Your Resident Single Friend Goes Speed Dating

"He's a sweet man and I hope he finds love...just not with me or you." 
-Emily reflecting on a speed date gentleman

I don't consider myself a particularly skilled dater. I didn't date in high school and we'll say my college dating was minimal, but fun and exciting in the way college romances are supposed to be (except the cheater, but I guess we all have one of those somewhere in our history). I know the kind of person I am and the pervasive hook up culture of my generation is not for me. Part of this is related to being a very strong introvert; we prefer deeper relationships, both romantically and with friends. The other part is that I seriously cannot deal with the game-like behavior that typically accompanies this sort of thing. I have zero time for that. 

While I've tried online dating with little success (or joy), I've never tried speed dating. The reference I have for speed dating is that scene in The 40-Year Old Virgin that is both horrifying and hilarious (video contains language and mature themes - you've been warned). The short version: in the space of an hour (usually), each attendee goes on 15-20 "dates," usually lasting 5-8 minutes in length. During that time, you talk with the person opposite of you (normally men rotate around the room) and are given a sheet for notes. After the event, the organization running speed dating provides attendees access to contact information for other attendees. And then you fall in love and live happily ever after...or something.

I'll admit that I didn't have the right perspective about speed dating. With limited data, I reduced it to an awkward evening of small talk with dudes who fall into two categories: the socially awkward and the smarmy. I don't really need more awkward in my life and smarmy dudes exist everywhere so having a concentration of them at one event seems unnecessary. So I avoided the idea of speed dating and continued living my life. However, as I don't want to die alone, I've made the decisions to put myself out in the world in situations where I may, in fact, meet a potential man-friend. In the new year, I'm planning on taking welding classes (mostly for art purposes) and some cooking classes, activities that appeal to a very broad section of humans.

I decided to include speed dating in this list of things I'm trying. I found a speed dating event via Goldstar, convinced my friend Emily to go with me, and set my expectation level to medium. I hope all of you have friends like Emily who will go do things like this with you even if they may not want to. Since this was a first time event for both of us, we really had no idea what to expect. How long would we have to talk with each person? How many people were actually involved? Would everyone be horrifying? How would we react if someone said something particularly awful? What if we did meet the man of our dreams? Was there a bar nearby? You know, the important things.

What occurred was well beyond my expectations, which were at medium so there was a lot of room for both success and failure. I met 15 men in the course of a little over an hour. The time was limited to five minutes and after the first couple of dates, it got easier. Of the 15, I would go out with three of the guys and want to be friends with three others. None of these guys were the physical type I go for (think Chief Hopper from Stranger Things), but they were funny, interesting to talk to for five minutes, polite, and not bad to look at. Interestingly, Emily had a similar experience with none of them being her physical type, but she connected with them because of their senses of humor and the fact that they seemed to be decent humans. We seemed to transcend the types we established for ourselves. This is a good thing.

Because I know you want to know, here are some highlights of the night. All dates have been given nicknames since I didn't mention there was going to be a blog:

• I walked into this event with a super positive attitude, combining the PMA of Bad Brains with my generally pleasant personality, my ability to be self-deprecating when needed, and the fact that I talk to people for a living. 
• At first, we thought we were going to be the youngest people in the group. The group definitely skewed older (mid-late 40s), but most of the guys I liked were around my age, younger or older by a few years. 
• Speed dating is an incredibly efficient way to date. While it has some of the same qualities as online dating, being in person and actually talking to someone makes it more palatable and fun. Rather than wasting hours swiping through profiles, I can spend an hour meeting 15 new people. One of the guys I would go out with framed it this way and I really like his perspective. 
• The majority of the women did not look like they were happy to be there. Apparently, Emily and I weren't the only friends who came together except we were the only two that had fun. Most of the women looked disinterested and only one of them would talk to us before things got started.  
• There were a few guys who came with friends as well. One pair met at a previous meet-up and became friends since they're both new to the area. Speed dating can be a gateway to speed friending.
• Some of the guys had prepared questions, either because this was not their first time speed dating or because they wanted to make sure they had something to ask. This was both endearing and a little jarring; I prepared nothing and was also not prepared for some of these questions. I really had to think about what the most romantic thing I'd ever done for someone (my response ended up being about baking an elaborate dessert for a guy's birthday which is less romantic and more about being a decent girlfriend but whatever). 
• The guys I liked and would go out with:
• Photographer Guy - what are the odds that one of the guys would work events at the museum where I'm a volunteer? We discussed art, expensive holiday parties, and Masons. He was also a very nice dresser.
• Drunk in Reston - Hands down my favorite guy of the evening. He made me laugh for three of the five minutes, with a discussion of why we decided to try speed dating and why there were so many first-timers in the group. We decided it was because they all found true love and never returned rather than to consider that it was crushing doom that kept them away. He may have been drunk; Emily and I couldn't be 100% on this.
• Alaska Guy - Just moved here from Alaska. We talked about travel, the eleven states I haven't been to, and his awkward first date of the evening who was definitely a regular speed dater and not in a fun way.
• The guys I'd want to befriend:
• Peach Pocket Square Guy: This gentleman (and I sincerely mean that) was the sharpest dressed of anyone present, male or female. He was one of the older guys and just the nicest person. I have zero romantic interest in him, but I would meet him for drinks and let him vet my dates. 
• Crushworthy - My second favorite guy of the night. He was one of the few that asked a creative opening question and opted to move his chair so we were seated next to one another rather than across from one another. That was a bold move. He and Emily would be well suited so I hope they connect. 
• Might Run Into Him at CVS Guy - He lives near where I work so it's very possible that I will run into him at the local CVS or various lunch places in the greater Herndon area. Nice guy, fun to talk to, but not someone I'd date. 
• The awkward/annoying:
• 3D Printer Guy - Yep, that's what he opened with. We were discussing our weekends and he went on and on about figuring out a new 3D printer. He also made a comment about one of the technologies used for it (which I didn't know), but the way he said it annoyed me. He also machine embroiders and scoffed at the fact that I hand embroider. He was boring and dismissive. 
• Ticket Scalper Guy - We spent the entire five minutes talking about music which would normally be a great topic for me. In that time, he dissed The Foo Fighters, Lady Gaga, and the 9:30 Club. I'm going to see The Foo Fighters in Memphis this coming May and I just saw Lady Gaga and the 9:30 Club is one of my favorite venues in the area. It was a lot of no for five minutes. He also shared that he never buys tickets in advance because he doesn't want to pay fees (which I get to some extent) so he just scalps tickets and hopes for the best. This annoys me.  
• Interview Guy - Speed dating does have an interview-like quality to it, but that doesn't mean it has to be like an interview. If you're a decent enough conversationalist, the questions turn into mini-conversations rather than rapid fire questions. This guy wasn't a great conversationalist so it did feel like an actual interview. 

What happens next? Personal information is shared via email with all attendees. This particular group uses an online portal, similar to what you'd use if you were part of a more traditional online dating site, to allow participants to connect with one another. The portal is open for two weeks after the event so I can log in and see if I have any mutual matches or messages. I can pick matches (which I've done) and message any of the guys whether I match with them or not. They only know I picked them if they pick me, but it doesn't limit the messaging feature. So the short answer is that I wait a few days to see if I match with anyone and then decide whether to message them or not.

I'm glad I went. I wasn't expecting love at first sight, but I also wasn't expecting it to be as much fun as it was. I enjoyed many of the brief conversations I had and I laughed a lot. Even the guys who were awkward or annoying weren't that terrible. I've had worse experiences online and at bars. These guys were tame, comparatively speaking. To paraphrase Emily, I want them to find love or whatever they're looking for just not with me or her. It was fun to do something really outside of my comfort zone. I'll keep you posted on what happens next.

Next on the Island: Lazy Movie Weekend Christmas Edition! Will it be the mildly inappropriate version of The Grinch starring Jim Carrey or a discussion of smiling is my favorite with Elf? You'll have to come back and find out.

Your Resident Single Friend: Doing things by yourself vs. Being lonely

Loyal Island readers will be happy to know that I completed and submitted my Date Lab application this past Sunday. Y'all keep me honest and now we wait and see what the dating geniuses/mad scientists at The Washington Post come up with when trying to find a suitable match for me. I answered all the questions as best as I could and was honest. I used this as one of my allotted photos:

Teddy is my favorite and I do genuinely like going to baseball games. That makes me a catch right?

Rather than dwelling on the idea that TWP may not find a match for me, I decided that I need to address something that comes up every now and then when I discuss my love life with my friends (both single and attached/married friends). Without fail, we eventually make our way to the topic of doing things by yourself versus being lonely. There is a difference and it's always interesting to see where my friends' opinions fall on this. I could make a lot of grand statements about personality types or the relationship status of the person but ultimately, those things are only part of the equation.The collective we places a lot of importance on having friends and networks of contacts and being social while also praising independence and uniqueness (although not outward weirdness). Quirky is cool as long as you can somehow turn that into something mainstream and can diminish the independence of the subject (this is why the Manic Pixie Dream Girl exists). Frankly, this is messed up and it's what causes my friends (and me) to get into heated debates about how doing things by yourself is not the same as being lonely. They may occasionally be connected but my personal experience has taught me that they are not synonymous despite what society and pop culture would like us to believe.

People, my friends included, assume that because I do things by myself that I am sad and lonely. The truth is that I like to do things by myself. This doesn't mean that I am lonely. I'm a fairly classic introvert and I happen to need time to myself. I'm not a fan of things like small talk and extreme group situations. I love Susan Cain's book and Ted Talk about the power of introversion. It's given me a lot to think about in terms of my relationships and communication style. The true balance of being an introvert is that you need both alone time and meaningful time with trusted friends. I don't need to talk to a ton of people at a happy hour; I need to spend time with a few friends during said happy hour talking, laughing, and enjoying ourselves. When I go home from that happy hour, I want to watch a little tv or read or do some writing. It's how I recharge and think through things. I'm not being a recluse or antisocial; I just need a little down time. That shouldn't be a bad thing.

I'm also incredibly independent and am absolutely fine with doing things by myself. Going to the movies alone is one of my favorite things to do; there is beauty in sitting in a dark theater watching any movie and not having to think about whether your companion is enjoying the movie or what you're going to do after. It's about the film and the story. Now there are some movies that are designed for groups (comic book movies, Magic Mike, the Pitch Perfect movies) but for the most part I prefer going alone. I also have no problem going to a restaurant by myself. I've spent enough of my professional life traveling for work that this is a non-issue for me. I bring a book, observe people (and make up stories about them), or just focus on the meal that I'm eating. There's nothing embarrassing about this. I understand that it's not for everyone though so I'm in no way trying to make anyone feel bad if this isn't their thing. However, I do believe that we have created unnecessary fear about dining alone. Some people have social anxiety about this (which is totally legit); others have simply chosen to believe the lies that dining alone means you are sad and pathetic. You're not.

To me, being able to be by yourself is something that all adults should be able to do regardless of their personality type or sociability. We all need time to recharge, think in a more focused way, and simply not have to be in the noise of daily life. Even the most social people need a break from time to time and you should be able to take a break with yourself.

I will concede that there are some events/situations that do not belong in the "do by yourself" category and can potentially be the stuff that causes a person to feel lonely. I've done several of these things by myself and have, on occasion, felt lonely while doing so. These are the times when it's good to call in your friends or a family member or bribe someone to be your date:

• Weddings - Being the single person at a wedding is the absolute worst (destination weddings are the worst of the worst especially if it's somewhere secluded or on the romantic side). I would never not go to a friend's or relative's wedding because of my single status but I would still know how potentially lonely it can be. Emotions run high at weddings and going alone often makes that worse. I have at least two weddings in the next year or so and I would rather beg/bribe any of my single guy friends to be my date than go alone. 
• Certain types of travel - I love to travel by myself but there are some types of trips that are better with a group or a friend or two. Road trips, cruises, and theme parks are so much better when others are around. I loved my solo trip to Paris but my one regret is not spending as much time out at night because I wasn't comfortable doing so alone. There are also certain countries I won't go to by myself. Traveling alone makes me feel brave and free but I also know that I have to be incredibly careful when doing so. Such is the world we live in.
• Concerts - Yes, I have been to concerts by myself and had a great time. However, I have more fun when I'm with friends or my favorite concert buddy, my brother. I'm especially fond of going to outdoor concerts with groups.
• Sporting events - I don't think I've ever gone to a sporting event by myself. Like concerts, games are more fun with a crowd. And I love to people watch so sharing those observations with someone else makes them even more entertaining. 
• Certain holiday events - I'm mostly thinking of holiday parties from around Thanksgiving through New Year's and then social holidays like Memorial Day and the 4th of July (picnic/BBQ season). It's the small talk that gets me at these types of events. I always want a partner in crime to get me out of awkward social interactions with strangers or acquaintances.
• Parties where you only know the host - This is the one type of social event that gives me social anxiety. I often find excuses not to go to these parties if none of my friends are going or I can't convince a friend to join me. I'm not the type of person that would just walk up to someone new and start a conversation (except at work because it's part of my job). I'd probably end up hanging out with the pet of the host rather than the other guests.
• Buying furniture or other significant purchases - Second opinions are helpful and insightful. Just because you have a vision about that new couch or car doesn't mean that the vision actually works. Or maybe it is absolutely perfect and your friend confirms your awesomeness. Win either way.

I think it's important to consider this as I think about the Date Lab application and the possibility of trying online dating again. Since I do like to do things by myself, how much of that will I lose if I start dating? Do I need a more introverted person in my life or would I be better suited to be with an extrovert? How much of this is tied to the fact that I don't want to have to have the "by myself vs. alone" conversation/argument with my friends anymore?

It goes back to the idea of a balance for the introverted - being able to be confident enough in my own need of alone time while balancing the desire to spend time with those important to me. Maybe I've missed that balance for all these years and that is why I'm Your Resident Single Friend.


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You get a date! And you get a date! And you get a date!

Here's the awesome/challenging thing about writing a blog - you have to do the things you write about because you published it online for the world to see. And then you promoted it on all of your social media accounts. Being a blogger is a wonderful accountability tool.

Several weeks ago I mentioned in a "coming soon" note at the end of one of my posts that I was planning to apply for Date Lab this spring. What's that? You're not familiar with Date Lab? Date Lab is my favorite part of The Washington Post Magazine. I started reading it when I moved back to the DC area in 2006 and quickly turned my mother into another super fan. The basics are this: two people are matched up and go on a date paid for by the paper (and agree to the fact that WP staff are responsible for setting them up). They agree to take photos on the date and be interviewed following the date. Most of them don't end in a second date but it's always fun to read and see how people's expectations differ from reality. My favorites are the older couples (especially the couple in their 70s from a year or so ago); they have their priorities in order.

I've been joking about applying for Date Lab for years. I'm not much of a dater and I'm naturally introverted so things like small talk and bringing attention to myself are not my favorite activities. When you date, you have to do both. It's weird because I talk for a living (teacher, trainer, docent) but it's different in a dating situation. I know I'm making excuses for my lack of a significant dating history but it's my blog so I can. Anyway, I decided that this would be the year that I would apply for Date Lab. There is no guarantee that I will be matched in the near future; the database is pretty big and there have been people who are married by the time Date Lab gets around to them. Maybe that's the real power of Date Lab; you put yourself out there and love or whatever finds you without their assistance.

But let's focus on the task at hand: completing the Date Lab application. When deciding to do any type of online dating you have to be prepared for answering a lot of questions about yourself that are probably not the types of questions you've spent time contemplating. That's probably why dating is hard; none of sit around thinking about the perfect date or even these "would you rather" questions. There should be some sort of class that we're all required to take that forces us to go through the process of really deciding what it is we want in a significant other and how to talk about yourself without sounding like an idiot. I don't think taking this class would mean that we'd never date awful people but at least we'd be more aware of the fact that we're making a poor life choice.

I'm taking some time off later this month (it's March use it or loss it PTO time) and decided that I would spend a bit of my staycation working on my Date Lab application and creating a Match.com account. The Date Lab application does not have a save and return option so I thought it best that I get prepared for this exciting endeavor by going through the questions in advance and having an idea of I will respond. I may have printed out the online form. My inner planner must control everything. It's not a long application but I do have to find some photos of me that I like (up to three!) and answer some rather difficult/interesting questions. Let's examine some of my favorites from the application:

• What is the first thing you do in the morning? Not a challenging question but is it too boring to say I make coffee, feed Pumpkin, check my email, and take a shower? On the weekends, I go to the gym before checking email. That's how crazy my morning gets. Should I have a more significant morning routine?
• Pitch your dating history as a tv show. I have no idea how I'm going to answer this question. How does this sound: Smart, sarcastic, but incredibly nice young woman expects too much from the guys she dates so she never finds the right one. Instead, she dates men that could only be described as man-children and watches more of her friends get married while hanging out with her cat and traveling? I'm guessing that's a bit too bitter. What if I dress it up with a fun friend played by Tina Fey or Neil Patrick Harris? People seem to like them.
• What ways are you very DC? I actually like this question a lot. Part of the challenge of dating for me is that I live here and I have an aversion to being too DC because that means something somewhat unpleasant to many people. I also don't want to be too NOVA because I'm not really from here and don't own it either. This is the problem with growing up with a transient suburban existence. I guess I would say that I'm very DC because I judge people based on whether or not they know how to navigate the Metro, their opinions on commuting, and whether they consider Arlington a suburb or a city. I also know that the best way to experience the monuments is at night. I'm very NOVA because I think it's problematic if a person doesn't know how to get to their house without using public transportation. You're an adult; you should know how to get home.
• What makes you a good catch? I'm sure I'm not the only one who struggles to answer this question. It's not that I can't but you have to strike a balance between talking yourself up and not sounding too full of yourself. I have a lot of varied interests so I can keep up in conversations, I like nerdy things so that will appeal to a lot of people, and I think I'm amusing and fun to be around. That's a start.
• Dream date - whom or what kind of person would you like to date? I'm assuming I  should avoid quoting the Bonnie Tyler song from Footloose so do you think asking for someone who is a combination of Andy Dwyer and Ben Wyatt from Parks and Rec and might also play the drums, hasn't been arrested/convicted of a felony, has a job, and likes cats is too much to ask for? I like slightly goofy and nerdy guys with good hygiene and who can cook. Liking the same/similar music would also be a plus.
• No-go - what would rule someone out? The easy ones would be a convicted felon, someone who clearly hates women (you know what I mean), someone without any manners, and someone who dislikes fun. Being employed would be nice. Should I include that I have an aversion to both Enya and Kid Rock, movies starring James Franco, men who wear incredibly skinny jeans and deep V-neck t-shirts who are not famous rock stars, and professional basketball? How much is too much?

There are about fifteen additional questions but they're fairly straightforward. I need to pick my theme song and the superpower I'd most like to have (I waiver between telepathy and teleportation), whether or not I'm religious (not particularly), eat meat (yes), or drink (yes please), and my Gilligan's Island scenario (three hour tour that gets stranded - who would you want to be with, what foods would you take, and what movies would you bring to watch). I also like the question about what differences I'd like my date to have from me; I had this conversation with several of my guy friends (always have guy friends to help give you perspective) and I feel pretty confident about my response to this question. I'd never want to date my twin in everything; musical tastes need to be similar enough and I don't see myself dating an incredibly conservative man. That would not start or end well.

Introspection is a good thing. When I was younger I didn't feel so great about myself; I was always comparing myself to my friends (skinnier, prettier, knows how to apply eyeliner) so it was just amazing when a guy paid attention to me and wanted to be around. I was less interested in thinking about whether or not we made sense or if he was what I wanted in a partner. Now, I'm less concerned with how I compare to others and more focused on how awesome I am. I think that's the key to dating; you have to be comfortable with who you are so you don't become someone else because of a guy. RuPaul said it best, “Honey, if you can’t love yourself, how the hell you gonna love someone else?"

I guess the only thing left to do is play my theme song over and over again and get this application done.

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Your Resident Single Friend's Guide to What Not to Buy for Valentine's Day

Happy almost Valentine's Day! Are you ready for another holiday? I group Valentine's Day with New Year's Eve: I'm not really sure why it's such a big deal and why people get all crazy like. My fondest Valentine's memory is being the first "E" in an elementary school play. Good times. Or maybe I was the "I"; I just remember being part of the word and how much fun that was. We probably sang a song too. Wasn't elementary school the best? While the celebration of Valentine's Day is actually a product of the Middle Ages and the idea of courtly love, Valentine's Day as we know it is more closely associated with the 18th century and the practice of giving gifts, tokens, and cards (known as valentines) to your lover. It's this practice of gift giving that I'd like to focus on today.

 

As your resident single friend, I want to make sure that you take the time to really think about the gifts you give this Valentine's Day. I've worked in an office (schools count) for the last twelve years and I can say that it is the most competitive holiday for office gift giving. I've watched women (mostly) be reduced to tears because the guy they've been seeing (for years, months, weeks) forgot to send them anything while their co-workers receive every flower known to man. I've seen grown men have absolute panic attacks because they forgot completely or they realized too late that they bought an inappropriate gift. Valentine's Day is way too stressful. If you've ever seen the 1998 movie Overnight Delivery starring Reese Witherspoon and Paul Rudd you know that I'm right.

And so dear readers, I'm here to help you make smart life choices this Valentine's Day. I want you and your SO to be happy and stay together a long time (if that's what you want to do) and for there to be the hope that the person who loves you gets you at the same time. Here are my suggestions for what NOT to buy this holiday season:

1. Edible Arrangements. I love chocolate covered fruit as much as the next person; it combines the deliciousness of chocolate with the illusion that you're making a healthy snack choice. Edible Arrangements make sense for birthdays and random occasions where you feel that the recipient needs a little pick me up on a Wednesday afternoon. They do not scream "I love you and I think you're special and I want to spend my life with you." There's something mildly practical about an Edible Arrangement. Honestly, it's screams friend zone. I would reserve this gift (even with the added teddy bear) for teachers, your mom, and the co-worker whose birthday is next week and you have to get them something but you don't know them that well.
2. A Stanley Kubrick box set. I get it, Kubrick is a genius. We can debate the merits and missteps of his filmography over a few drinks sometime. Nothing about his films scream "give this as a Valentine's Day gift." I once overheard a young man on Metro chatting up a girl he clearly liked liked and he spent the entire conversation telling her to watch A Clockwork Orange. This is not the movie you recommend to a girl you like who has never watched a Kubrick film. You will not get anywhere with this suggestion - not to coffee, an actual date, and certainly not to anything remotely resembling a physical relationship. I dated a pretentious film buff and it was miserable. Had he opened with, "You have to see A Clockwork Orange," I would have run the other way much faster than I did. If you must buy movies, focus on something your SO actually likes or get them a subscription to Netflix so they can binge watch Gilmore Girls.
3.  Pajamagrams. I like to listen to 98 Rock on my drive to work (it's the rock station out of Baltimore for those not from the DMV). I'm a big fan of the Morning Show with Justin, Scott, and Spiegel. They're amusing, play more music than most morning shows, and I feel like they'd be fun to hang out with. Spiegel is the resident curmudgeon and has a lot of stuff and issues. I was listening last week and during a break an ad came on for Pajamagrams read by Spiegel. I associate Pajamagrams with my mom and Christmas not with Valentine's Day. The ad was specifically for the "Stimulate Her Senses" gift pack. I don't know if it was his reading or the ridiculousness of Pajamagrams trying to be sexy but I was laughing so hard I almost got in a car accident. Just go buy lingerie like a normal person or buy cozy pjs if that's more your SO's thing. Please don't buy a creepily named gift pack from Pajamagrams.
4. Monogrammed anything. Monogrammed gifts sound like a really great idea - no one will get confused if someone else has the same bag! There is a time and place for monogramming things: stationary sets, wedding accoutrement, sleep away camp gear but not Valentine's Day. No one wants stationary for Valentine's Day.
5. Singing telegrams. I have a co-worker who is in a quartet that offers singing telegrams for Valentine's Day so I'm in no way saying that these aren't a good idea. Actually, I think this is a delightful and creative gift for the right person. If you are dating/married to/hooking up with/talking to/etc/etc an introvert or a very shy person, this may not be the best gift idea. If they don't like attention directed at them, this is not the right gift. If the idea of a person dressed as Elvis singing Neil Diamond songs confuses and/or enrages your SO, this is not the gift for them. Think before they sing.
6. Tattooing their name on your person. Tattoos are a serious thing. They are with you forever. The decision to get a tattoo should never be rushed and you should consider the design carefully. Names are a dangerous choice even if you have the best intentions. Tattooing a person's name on your person is serious business. Look what happened to poor Johnny Depp and his "Winona Forever" tattoo; it was not forever. I don't even think that relationship made it past their appearance in a Tom Petty video. If you absolutely must get a tattoo for Valentine's Day, why not make it an experience you can have together? You can each get something that's distinctly you and you share in the thrill of getting inked.
7. A puppy or a kitten or a ferret. Pets sound like a good idea especially puppies and kittens. They're adorable and cuddly and make people smile. What people tend to forget are that pets are a major responsibility and should not be adopted on a whim. If you and your SO are not ready to take on the care and feeding of a live being, don't give a pet as a gift. Honestly, ferrets shouldn't be pets no matter what so just don't make that choice at all. 

Then what should I buy resident single friend? Stick to the classics: pretty flowers, chocolates, cute stuffed animals (and I mean plush not taxidermied), a fun event date, a romantic dinner. Keep it simple and heartfelt. If you want to get really adventurous make them a mix CD and illustrate the cover. Sometimes in the frenzy of gift giving for arbitrary holidays, it's good to stand back and remember that less is more and classic never goes out of style.

Have another quandary you'd like your resident single friend to help you with? Share in the comments and maybe I'll help you out in a future Island post.

Coming soon to the Island: I sign up for Date Lab and at least one online dating site. If I type it here I have to do it so there's not turning back.

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We need more groundhog

 

Regular Island visitors know of my "addiction" to holiday themed Hallmark and Lifetime movies. I've seen most of the Hallmark movies at least twice and I believe I watched all of the new "Countdown to Christmas" movies this year. I've found these movies are best if you've had a glass or two of wine and maybe some chocolate or holiday cookies. The sugar and alcohol makes the improbable "plots" seem realistic and the horrible choices the heroines make bearable. You can even ignore the traditional gender roles and the notion that all love takes is some Christmas magic and glitter. Liking these movies makes me feel like a bad feminist but I can't help myself. I normally confine my watching to the winter holiday season. I like to give myself a bit of break and watch real movies and read more and have a social life.

Until now. 

If it wasn't bad enough that Valentine's Day candy was out before New Year's now Hallmark has introduced us to "Countdown to Valentine's Day". Hallmark is bringing out some of their oldies but goodies and premiering five new Valentine movies including one that stars Jason Lee and involves swans. Yes, Jason Lee now makes Hallmark movies. I wanted him to start singing a Stillwater song in the commercial. Maybe he does that in the actual movie; I haven't watch this one. Yet. The only new movie I've managed to watch is I Do, I Do, I Do. I admit that I feel asleep for about twenty minutes (I'm getting over a cold or something) but I don't think I missed much. I Do, I Do, I Do is Hallmark's attempt at making a Valentine's movie that is one part typical Hallmark love story and one part Groundhog Day. 

Don't believe me? Here's a plot summary: a young woman, Jaclyn, (who is a successful architect by the way) is dating a doctor/author who surprises her in front of the hospital she built with a proposal (that includes an incredible misuse of medical equipment) even though they've only been together for five months and he's terribly self-obsessed. Of course she says yes but the catch is that they have to get married on Valentine's Day which is in less than a week. Her sister tries to talk her out of this nightmare wedding (planned by the groom's overbearing mother) but she soldiers on and gets married. And then she begins to relive her wedding day over and over and over again. Did I mention she also starts to fall in love with the groom's brother (also a doctor who works in Africa) and she "dates" him as she experiences her time loop. The only way to break the loop is to get her wedding day right. This means finally standing up for herself, not marrying the douche-y doctor (this is an apt description if you watch the movie), and falling in love with the other brother.

Like Bill Murray's character Phil in Groundhog Day (which is one of my favorite movies and holidays), Jaclyn begins to realize that she controls what happens each time she relives her wedding day. While she doesn't go to the extremes that Phil does ("Don't drive angry"), she does have her moments of fun particularly at her mother-in-law's expense when she re-plans the wedding. Like Phil, she also realizes that she can use her time to learn and try new things and be daring with her life. It's not until she does the right thing by breaking off her engagement that her particular time loop is broken. Phil learns to be a better person; Jaclyn learns to be a person. 

I should really love this movie but I don't. I want to but I don't. It's not a bash you over the head Valentine's movie (woohoo) and for once the female lead has a career in a field that is not traditional (by Hallmark movie standards). But still it doesn't sit well for me. I could chalk it up to the missing groundhog but that's probably not it. I believe Hallmark missed a huge opportunity to get into the Groundhog Day movie business; I have three ideas for movies that all fit the Hallmark mold but also involve a groundhog and Groundhog Day. There were also opportunities for way more fun in the time loop than was had. Jaclyn does learn things like Italian and how to dance but she mostly spends her time secretly dating her future brother-in-law (which no one finds odd) and not trying to figure out why she's getting married in the first place. Jaclyn's sister is relegated to the background so often you forget she's there and the mother-in-law is so stereotypical it's not even funny.

None of those things are the reason I don't like this movie. I think what bothers me most is this notion that Jaclyn is fine with being average when given the most extraordinary opportunity she's probably ever been given. She gets to relive one day over and over again until she gets it right. Instead of really going for it she opts to do things that will only move her in the direction we all she's going in - to the arms of her future brother-in-law. There's a bit of dialogue at one point where she talks about wanting to go to Egypt because the pyramids are the reason she decided to become and architect. Instead of hopping on a plane and leaving, she stays to learn how to swim. The riskiest thing we see her do is have carbs and red meat at her wedding reception. Carbs and red meat!? I don't know what to say to that.

Think about it for a moment: if you were given the chance to relive one day over and over again until you got it "right" what would you do? For the sake of this discussion, I'll let you select the day that you get to relive. Would you end up in the same place you are today but with more knowledge and maybe some random new skills? Or would you be in a completely different life because you opted for a different path and now you're a different you? This is what I wanted Jaclyn to do; I wanted her to opt for a different path - to not end up marrying the other brother with two minutes left in the movie. 

I used to watch these movies as a distraction from the stress of the holidays or if I had a bad day at work but now I think I watch them to see how much the story will annoy me and how many times I will shout at the television. I can't stop watching them and yet I feel like a traitor to my gender for helping to perpetuate terrible stereotypes about love and dating and marriage. All of these movies center around falling in love in less than a week and getting married or engaged in the last two minutes of the movie. I want more for women than that and yet I have a problem turning the channel. Despite my own experiences and beliefs, I still love a happily ever after story. And I'm not alone. Even Roxane Gay, author of Bad Feminist, likes to watch Lifetime movies. I find this comforting.

(Side note: you should read Bad Feminist. It was one of the best books I've read in a long time. I have her novel, An Untamed State, in my need to read pile right now. Also, follow her on Twitter.)

I'll leave you with a photo of my Groundhog Day cookies and a link to some fun facts about this noble creature. I'm going to get started on my pitch for a new Hallmark movie entitled In the Shadow of Punxsutawney Phil - it involves a plot to destroy his home and the plucky scientist who wants to save the day. Until she meets an adorable child with an interest in preservation who just happens to be the son of the town sheriff who needs love and adventure in his life. Our scientist heroine must decide between saving the groundhog and true love. What choice will she make?
 

Groundhog Day still

What's the big commotion? Finding your television soul mate

Recently I had a conversation with one of my trusted guy friends, Matt, about the possibility of setting up an online dating profile. This is something that I've been hemming and hawing about for some time now and I decided that 2015 is as good a time as any to actually do this. Again. I have to try harder this time or something. Matt sort of agreed to provide his opinion on my profile should I actually go through with this. This is why all women should have a handful of trusted male friends and all men should have a handful of trusted female friends. I'm sure we serve other purposes (I'm excellent at reminding people to make smart life choices, assisting guys with shoe purchases, and serving as a fill in date to weddings) but really it's to make sure that we don't embarrass ourselves in front of people we may or may not have some form of romantic relationship with at some point in the future.

One of the other things we discussed was my criteria for guys - did I want to be with someone who was exactly like me or incredibly different? Was a more middle of the road guy my speed? My response to this question was simple: I would like to be able to watch television with my significant other. I'd like us to have a few shows in common; not every show but enough. Additionally, the guy would have to be someone who would occasionally watch a stupid Hallmark movie with me and I would in turn, watch something that I hate like basketball or procedural dramas. I don't think this is too much to ask but as dating profiles tend to be loaded with garbage and words I hate, I have a feeling this will be more difficult than it should be. I dream of a day when I can be honest in a dating profile in a way that doesn't make me sound like a spinster cat lady or a weirdo who has too many interests.

I'm not helping matters by re-watching my favorite television show of all time, Gilmore Girls. Anytime I re-watch this show, I reevaluate the way I view relationships and what I envision my future manfriend (is that more grown-up than boyfriend?) will be like. I started re-watching over the holidays and have not been able to stop (although I did pause long enough to hate watch the season premiere of Girls - we all need something to hate watch). I started with season four, my favorite season, and finished up season six, my least favorite season, last weekend. Lots of very significant things happen during these three seasons: the Dragonfly opens, Jason Stiles appears, Rory loses her virginity to Dean (sorry for the spoilers but seriously binge watch faster), Jess makes an appearance or two, Luke and Lorelei happen, and Logan enters Rory's life. I am firmly Team Logan and nothing will ever change that.

Both Lorelei and Rory have a lot of stuff going on in their love lives during these seasons so it's easy to lose focus and neglect a very important relationship going on in the background. No, I'm not talking about Kirk and Lulu but Lane and Zach. It's through re-watching the romance of Lane and Zach that I came to my criteria of wanting to be able to watch television with my significant other. Lane and Zach start off as bandmates in Hep Alien and eventually become much more. Lane and Zach are musical soul mates but have enough sense to have a few things that are just theirs (bluegrass music for Zach; Fleetwood Mac for Lane). I wouldn't be able to do that; I have in the past and it's meant having to listen to way more Kid Rock and Enya than anyone should ever have to listen to in their lives. I have learned that I can't make compromises when it comes to music but I am willing to be more open about television shows. It's weird I know, but it's me.

In season five there is an episode entitled "To Live and Let Diorama." During this episode, Lane, Rory, and Paris all enjoy a little too much of the Founders' Punch and end up lamenting their love lives to one another. Lane suspects Zach of having some sort of relationship with Sophie, the owner of the music store, played by Carole King (who is awesome in this role). Lane's suspects this because Zach declines to go with her to buy cleaning supplies, a chore they like to do together. This is how a drunken Lane confronts Sophie:

"You've not only been to New York; you've lived there, so you know where the best coffee and bagels are. But you don't know him like I know him. For instance I know what cleaning products he likes, do you?"

It's in this moment of this episode that it dawned on me that it is something small like knowing the favorite cleaning supplies of a person or being able to watch a television show together even if you don't love it completely that you find love actually. I, and most women my age, have been raised to believe that it is in the grand gesture, the song about them, the elaborate scheme to get your attention that one finds love. We neglect the little things and are disappointed when no one shows up at our house with a boombox to play our favorite song outside our window. Romantic comedies and sitcoms have made it hard out there for a single lady.

At minute 2:07 in the below video, Zach writes a "hit song" with Mrs. Kim (Lane's mom). I've had this song in my head for six days. I hope one day Todd Lowe will be on another television show playing a guy who used to be in a rock band and he makes plans for a comeback. He dusts off this song and it becomes the hit song Mrs. Kim asked him to write.

I plan to be watching that show and maybe, just maybe someone will be sitting next to me enjoying the show not because it's his thing but because it's something we do together.

Lorelei image
Lane and Zach image
Video

A Neek and Misfit's Guide to Dating

Back in November I did a presentation at our annual company meeting about getting started with blog writing and why I write. One of the things I told the group was that you have to have a support group when you write. It can be comprised of your mom and your cat if that’s what you need in your life. For the record, my mom reads my blog regularly and Pumpkin is a cat so she can’t read. However, she’s very supportive when I talk out loud while I write. And by supportive I mean she naps and ignores me.

I’m lucky enough to have found a handful of other writers that I feel get me and my style and provide me with honest feedback even if it’s not what I want to hear. My dear friend Bad Shakespeare has visited the Island in past crossovers and today, you get to meet the wonderful Neek Confessional (or Jessica as I prefer to call her). We’ve discussed doing a joint post for awhile and having finally gotten ourselves together to do it.

Now if we could finally pull together our trip to DragonCon we’d be good to go.

Both Jessica and I like to indulge in the internet wonder that is Buzzfeed. We discovered this post from Buzzfeed Community member Doriean Stevenson back in February. Old timey dating advice is legitimately horrifying so we thought maybe we could add to the discussion. Part one of the post will appear here on the Island and part two will appear over on Neek Confessional. Think of it as a conversation between Jessica and I over drinks although we don’t live in the same state. I did drink wine while writing so that counts. #hemingwaywasadrunk

Note: It's best that you read Doriean's post first. My advice is in black, Jessica's in blue. It'll be the opposite on her post. Because reasons.

#1

There is a part in the classic Judy Blume novel Are You There God? It’s Me Margaret where Margaret and her friends decide to start doing bust enhancing exercises to speed up their development in the race to be the first one to get a bra (how little they really understand about the reality of bras). Their mantra: “We must, we must, we must increase our bust.” This move is about as useless as rubbing your stomach to reduce it’s size. See also every Buddha statue that has ever had its belly rubbed for luck. My suggestion: dress in clothes that flatter you and love what you got even if it includes a belly.

For the record, I never read Are You There God? It’s Me Margaret. I know I lose a lot of our “same person!” points for that, but I agree with the idea that bust enhancing exercises are about as useless as tummy shrinking rubs. If you really want bigger breasts, get surgery or have a baby (but please, please for the love of god don’t let that be your only reason to have a baby). If you really want a smaller stomach, do crunches and cardio and whatnot. It’s really not a big deal though. Think about wearing things that make you feel good and not stressing over your figure. Let your attitude define you, not your abs.

#2

I would counter with this statement: there are two types of men in this world - those that wear deep Vee neck t-shirts and those who don’t want to appear like Adam Levine d-bag wannabes. Until you get that Vee neck t-shirt problem under control, I’m going to continue wearing these earrings right over here.

Historically, ear piercing is one of the oldest types of body modification. There are references to earrings in ancient texts and art, the Bible, and Shakespeare. Earrings also have religious significance and are considered a rite of passage in many cultures. Furthermore, aren’t earrings one of the most popular gifts for birthdays and Valentine’s Day? 1912, you’re trying to ruin a perfectly good present opportunity.

I would cross counter with two more types of men that define the world - those that have a smidgen of common sense and those that wear tight, hipster pants.

I don’t know about you but getting my ears pierced was a huge deal for me, and also a lovely bonding moment with my father. I wasn’t allowed for quite a few years to get them pierced, because I had to wait until I was older. Then one Christmas my daddy gave me two pairs of beautiful diamond earrings as the sign that I was now old enough. Totally a rite of passage in my mind.

Also, since my ears are pierced this means I can wear lightsaber earrings. Don’t be a ruiner, 1912.

We are the same person! My dad also took me to get my ears pierced much to the horror of my mother. Dad bonding moments rock!

#3

Two movie references that refute this point totally:

1. Mannequin. Kim Cattrall came to life and fell in love with Andrew McCarthy. She was an Egyptian princess who gets reincarnated (I think) as a mannequin in modern day New York. She uses her awesomeness to help Andrew McCarthy design window displays for a struggling department store, taught us that the only thing to wear under fur is lingerie, and that Hollywood is a wonderful name for a sidekick
2. I don’t know if you’ve seen the Ryan Gosling movie Lars and the Real Girl. In the movie, Gosling is a very un-Ryan Gosling character; he’s shy, not very good with people (especially women), and a bit odd. Anyway, he gets an entire community to accept a life size sex doll as his girlfriend. Lars develops a more meaningful relationship with the doll than most people are able to develop with the actual people in their lives so maybe we can learn something from him.

Sometimes you have to work things out and real people don’t help you so you do what you have to do. Don’t settle for people who don’t value you. You’re better than that.

I didn’t see Lars and the Real Girl but the idea also reminds me of Her. Did you see that? Was that actually out already or is that later this year? Anyway Joaquin Phoenix falls in love with a computer program that has Scarlett Johansson’s voice. I didn’t see it either so I’m not entirely sure how it worked out, but I think the fact that we can list three movie examples between us proves your point. 

I didn't see Her because I have an aversion to Joaquin Phoenix but I'm sure it supports my theory completely. 

#4

My initial reaction to this was, “You just described most women I see out in the evenings in Clarendon.” - dressed to impress someone (not sure who), wearing expertly applied make-up (I wish I could apply eyeliner without stabbing myself in the eye), and traveling solo because no one lives near anyone in the greater DC area. The social lives of most 20 and 30 somethings in any metropolitan area is based on these elements. Frankly, I’m more bothered by a lone male than a lone female; there’s something inherently creepy about some dude at a bar by himself who hasn’t learned the word boundaries. This is probably why I’m still single.

After I thought about this for a bit, I realized that what really bothers me about this statement is that nothing has changed in 150 years. Even if the morals behind the statement have changed, women still have to spend time thinking about their safety when they go out alone (not that men don’t but women have to do this more often). I wanted to be funnier on this one but it just made me mad instead.

One of my friends refuses to let me walk by myself downtown, even if it’s just a situation where I park the car a block or two away then meet them at the bar. This actually makes me really mad. Yes, I think women have to be more aware of their safety than men, which is unfortunate, but I also think you shouldn’t assume I’m helpless. Maybe I have protective equipment in my person. Maybe I’ll whip out some BAMF defensive moves. You don’t know.

An interesting thing I took from this was not so much the makeup (meanwhile eyeliner is like the only thing I can do somewhat successfully) or the clothing, but the expression. Screw the meretricious look in their eyes. What you should really avoid are people of either gender that have that predator look in their eye NO MATTER WHO THEY LOOK AT. Avoid the hunter that’s in it for the thrill of the chase.

#5

Finally someone has explained to me why I’m still single! I haven’t just randomly been sitting on a guy’s lap if I’m interested in him. Clearly all of my social interactions with gentlemen have been wrong. The other thing that I love about this one is that I thought I’d have to wait until I was in my 70s before I could do ridiculous things and just shrug it off as “old lady prerogative”. Now I know that I’ve almost five years behind on this behavior and I could just start doing whatever now. You know, since I’m almost 35 and that is ancient.

I can’t be entirely certain, but I strongly suspect that at some point I *have* randomly sat on a guy’s lap. Apparently this hasn’t worked because I’m still too young. It doesn’t seem fair to have one set of dating behavior for under 30 and other rules for over 30. How am I supposed to keep track of so many rules??

I’m pretty excited though that I only have three years until I catch up to “crazy old lady” status. I see this as also giving permission for day drinking and saying whatever you want to people. This is probably why people write better as they get older (#hemingwaywasadrunk). This is going to be fabulous! 

People are better when they're older and I found proof with the lady walker/jogger/prancerciser that I share the walking trail with on Fridays. I bet she figured out the "sitting on a guy's lap" rules years ago.

#6

I was telling my father and brother about this particular item and both of them brought up lack of pasteurization in the 1880s as a reason that this made sense. I told them that they were not fun and they were no longer allowed to participate in the conversation.

Cheese is one of the perfect foods that exist in the world (potatoes and bread are the other two). Think of all the kinds! I have five types of cheese in the fridge right now. When I worked at the university, we used to get so excited about working an event that included cheese in the appetizer selection. Nothing says impossibly fancy than a cheese tray.

I’ll be bold for a moment: I would rather eat vegan cheese than no cheese at all.

It is one of my greatest regrets that I didn’t really like cheese as a child. There were some exceptions as I freaking loved cheese sticks (the breaded, fried kind. Not the stick of cheese that you eat in strips. Don’t try to pretend I was healthy as a child) but overall I didn’t really care for cheese. But now… amazing. And when you COMBINE cheese, potatoes, and bread, you have basically the best meal ever. Although I would also add onions and bacon to that meal. I am Scottish after all.
 

#7

I’m going to quote a true authority on manners, Cher Horowitz from Clueless: “So, OK. I don't wanna be a traitor to my generation and all, but I don't get how guys dress today. I mean, c'mon, it looks like they just fell out of bed and put on some baggy pants, and take their greasy hair—ew!—and cover it up with a backwards cap and, like, we're expected to swoon? I don't think so”

I think we can apply the same logic to the fact that tablecloths do not equal napkins. Basic manners are important in life and no one wants to sit across from a person (male or female) at a meal and deal with their poor table manners. Use your napkin, chew with your mouth closed, try to use the right utensils; none of this is difficult.

Did I tell you Cher was my 90s female lead match? I’m so happy you picked her quote! How can I possibly disagree with her wonderful life musings?

What I want to know is what exactly are these people doing at their dinner parties to worry about the expense of napkins! Unless you’re throwing a wedding reception I hardly feel like that’s a big splurge area, and I only mention a wedding since tons of people are invited so sheer numbers alone drives up the cost. Seriously, if you’re stressing over paying for napkins, what are you serving at this dinner party? Ramen noodles and boxed wine? That’s the type of meal that generates sarcasm, never mind whether or not people are already joking around. 

Ready for part two? Head over to Neek Confessional to continue the conversation.

Liz Lemon photo