Old Lady Concert Rules: A Frivolous Army

Old Lady Concert Rule #37: Just because you can, doesn't mean you should. 

I own all four solo KISS albums on vinyl. I don't share this because I think I'm cool (I'm not). It doesn't mean I'm a devoted KISS fan either; I only own the solo albums, The most devoted KISS fans would say that means I don't get to be in the club. I have a few singles in my iTunes library...all of which came from my brother's extensive KISS music collection. My top five favorite KISS songs are:

1. "Beth"
2.  "God of Thunder"
3. "Detroit Rock City"
4. "Strutter"/"Hard Luck Woman"
5. "God Gave Rock and Roll To You"

I'm not a deep cut kind of KISS fan. I own all four solo albums because I like collecting ridiculous things. These albums exist for no real reason except it was 1978 and KISS was the most famous band in America (maybe the world, but that might be pushing it). KISS's popularity wasn't just because they put out hit after hit; they put on a damn good show. It was theatrical and included pyrotechnics and costumes and makeup. They were making a ton of money, selling out stadium shows, and being rock and roll stars. The band, their manager, and their label thought, "Let's capitalize on this success by putting out four solo albums. Yeah, that's exactly what we should do." And they did! They made four full solo albums for the sole reason to make money. If this isn't an example of rock and roll hubris, I don't know what is. The albums failed spectacularly, and marked the beginning of the end of the original lineup of the band (Gene Simmons, Peter Criss, Paul Stanley, and Ace Frehley). Obviously, KISS never really went away, both in music and merchandising. You can legit buy anything with some level of KISS branding on it (I type this while looking at a Hello Kitty version of Starchild). I'm seeing them for the second time on Sunday on what is apparently their farewell tour. 

But seriously, these albums. I've owned all of these albums since 2008-ish, but have never listened to them fully or all at one time. I also only paid for one of them; the other three were gifts and they were all used. KISS received nothing from my purchases. In preparation for Sunday's concert, where none of these songs will be played, I thought I'd spend my week listening to all four albums and finally decide if this experiment was the dumpster fire of 1978 everyone says it was.

While there's no agreed upon order in which to listen to these albums, I decided on the bookend approach: Gene Simmons (the most ridiculous album), Paul Stanley, Peter Criss, and Ace Frehley (the best album).  

Like watching crap movies, I do these things so you don't have to. 

Gene Simmons

While my second favorite KISS song is "God of Thunder," Gene Simmons is my least favorite member of the band. I get it, without Gene there is no KISS, but that doesn't mean I have to like him. His solo album feels like what would happen if the 70s threw up on an album. I don't know if Gene has dirt on lots of people or if they were all like, "being on a KISS solo album is really good for my career, so sure I'll sing back up or be the weird talking voice on the worst song ever." Somehow he convinced all of these people to take part.. Donna Summer, Helen Reddy, Bob Seger, Joe Perry, and freaking Cher appear on this album. It's crazy pants and make absolutely no sense at all. 

The song with Donna Summer is a disco song. For a band that hated disco so much, it's weird that all four albums have at least one song that's reminiscent of a disco song or actually is one. 

Best Songs: "See You Tonite," "Radioactive," and " Near You/Nowhere to Hide" 

Worst Song: "Living in Sin" - this is the song that features Cher and the line "I'm living in sin at the Holiday Inn." I can't make this up. 

Song that would be better if someone else sang it: "Mr. Make Believe" - I feel like a Cassidy or maybe Davy Jones should have sang this song. It would have made more sense.
Weirdest Song: Gene singing "When You Wish Upon a Star." It makes no sense, but it exists and you need to listen to it too. 

Fun fact: Katey Sagal is a backup singer on this album. She also dated Simmons at some point.

Paul Stanley

The biggest issue with Paul Stanley's album is that it's not all that memorable. I imagine this is the album Paul would have made if he hadn't been a part of KISS. He would have ended up being a moderately famous solo artist who sang forgettable rock songs. Paul has a great voice, always has, so it's not unpleasant to listen to, just not that exciting. Basically, this is the album KISS would have made if they found their main singer on YouTube and he sounded exactly like Paul Stanley, but was less interesting. 

Best Songs: "Love in Chains," "It's Alright"

Worst Song: I don't remember enough of the other songs to pick a worst song. 

Song that would be better if someone else sang it: "Hold Me, Touch Me" is basically a Carpenters song. 

Fun fact: Keely came out of my bedroom during Paul's album. He hated the rest of this experience, mostly because my listening to records made it hard for him to get in living room window.

Peter Criss

As I was listening to this album, all I could think of was if Quentin Tarantino wasn't the kind of director he is, he could have used this album as the K-Billy's Super Sounds of the 70s soundtrack in Reservoir Dogs. It's the most bluesy (and that's being polite) of the four albums, and feels more old school rock and roll. The other thing that I couldn't help but notice is how quiet the album is. For the album from the drummer, you'd think it would be a little louder, but it's not. I was underwhelmed. 

Best Songs: "You Matter to Me," Hooked on Rock 'N Roll" 

Worst Song: There wasn't really a worst song since most of the rest of the album wasn't memorable.

Songs that would be better if someone else sang it: "Don't You Let Me Down" - another teen idol-y song. "Hooked on Rock 'N Roll" could be a Little Richard song. 

Weird lyrics I can't get over: 

"I was vaccinated with a victrolla needle

And now I'm hooked on rock 'n roll." 

That's not how vaccinations work. I hope everyone knows that. 

Ace Frehley

Hands down, this is the best album of the four. Not only would I listen to this album again in it's entirety, it lives up to the hype of being the best of the solo albums. This is the only album of the four that even comes close to being like a KISS album, and it's just fun to listen to. The single, "New York Groove" was the most successful song from any of the albums, reaching number 13 on the Hot 100. It's a cover of a song by the band Hello, a British glam rock band. Listening to the versions side by side is sort of like listening to Toto and Weezer's versions of "Africa" back to back; a faithful cover that makes you like both songs more than you did before. "New York Groove" is another song that's pretty close to being a disco song. I love this song, so I'm not going to complain, but seriously, it's a disco song. 

By far, my favorite part of the entire album was "Fractured Mirror." It's an instrumental piece and it's awesome. It showcases Frehley's skills as a guitar player. That's really what separates his album from the rest; he wasn't trying to do anything but make something that was going to be fun to listen to. 

Best Songs: "Ozone," "New York Groove," "I'm In Need of Love," and "Fractured Mirror"

There aren't any bad songs on this album. It rocks. All the songs are on YouTube, or you can go out an buy a used version on vinyl and enjoy it the way Ace Frehley and whatever deity you like intended. 

Are these albums terrible? Not really, but in no way were they going to make KISS more popular than they already were in 1978. It was a gamble that didn'tpay off and is one more thing that makes it easy to make fun of KISS if that's a thing you like to do. Ace Frehley's album is the best, and there are seven other songs across the other three albums I'd listen to again. What I find most amusing about these albums is the disco vibe. For a band that hated disco, they sure used it to try to make a buck. But I guess they got the last laugh when disco died and KISS lived on.

Coming soon: I enter a baking contest. Has everyone been lying to me about my baking or can I win a blue ribbon? 

Sometimes What Happens In Vegas Should Definitely Stay In Vegas

There should not be four Sharknado movies. If I want to be 100% honest, there shouldn't be any Sharknado movies. There should be a sequel or some other extension of the Firefly/Serenity universe or another season of Parks and Rec or another Spy movie but that's not how the world works. SyFy has built part of its brand on low budget-ish, oddball "horror/sci-fi/creature/freak weather phenomena" movies (I don't really know how to categorize them) so something like Sharknado was going to happen at some point in our collective history. People like sharks; I don't but people do. People also like escapist television (I really do). It makes sense to combine both of these elements to create the pop culture zeitgeist that is the Sharknado franchise. And so we have Sharknado 4: The 4th Awakens. Yes, that's it's actual name.

I try not to read too much about these movies before they happen. I enjoy being surprised by "celebrity" cameos, plot twists, and the inevitable shark-based puns. I'm still waiting for someone to put together the definitive list of ways sharks are killed in the movies. The cameos truly are the best part of any of the movies. My favorites all happened in the second movie; Downtown and Uptown Julie Brown, Biz Markie, and the cast of the Today show. Seriously, watching Matt Lauer kill a shark with an umbrella is the only time I've ever enjoyed watching him on the Today show. I take that back, my favorite cameo was George R.R. Martin in the third installment; he dies like all GoT's fans dreams of him ever finishing the series.

This year, for fun, the wonderful Neek Confessional (aka Jessica) and I decided to include a drinking game in our annual live tweeting/viewing extravaganza. Jessica was smart and took Monday off; I did not (new hires start on Monday so I have to be at work). Here's the game:

Next year, we should change puns to shark jokes but other than that, the drinking game worked well. I think I missed a lot of the cameos because I'm not up on my reality stars and MMA fighters. We also had a question of whether Fin's niece was being pouty or emo. I think we decided on pouty which is not the same thing. I finished my beer and a half and woke up just fine this morning.

So what does Sharknado 4: The 4th Awakens have to offer us? We learned the why having the world's largest ball of twine is important. We learned that some things should really stay in Vegas. We learned that marrying into the Shepard family is a poor life choice. We learned that while we were in Kansas, we definitely weren't in Kansas anymore. But most importantly, we learned that you can just throw a word in front of "nado" and you have a new weather phenomena that sounds terrifying - that's what Sharknado 4 gave us. By my count there were 8 types of nadoes in this film: regular sharknadoes, firenadoes, sandnadoes, bouldernadoes, lightningnadoes, lavanadoes, cownadoes, and nuclear sharknadoes. I hope I didn't miss any of them.

Apparently, sharknadoes were not enough. We, and by we I mean the makers of these movies, decided that the only way to up the "suspense" and the action of these movies was to add more types of made up-nadoes because that's how movies work. The cownado was probably the most effective; between Gilbert Gottfried shouting about cownadoes (as he does) and the sharks eating the cows in the cow/sharknado, it was pretty spectacular to watch. The nuclear sharknado at the end of the movie was pretty amazing too. It looked exactly like a nuclear cloud from a 1950s horror movie had a baby with the bomb at the end of the tv movie version of Stephen King's The Stand so vaguely realistic and yet sort of like a child drew it. I feel like that description could describe most of Sharknado 4 but that also seems sort of mean to say out loud.

What did I like about Sharknado 4? I enjoyed many of the cameos this year but admit that I may have missed a lot of them since I'm not as up on my reality show stars as I should be. My favorite cameos included Cheryl Tieg as Fin's mom, Vince Neil as Vince Neil, Alexandra Paul and Gena Lee Nolin as astrophysicists but really there to recreate their famous Baywatch slow motion running, Patti Stanger as a report (asking a matchmaking question of course), Paul Shaffer randomly playing a keyboard during a sharknado attack, and Carrot Top as the most unlucky Uber driver ever. Vince Neil's appearance led to my only excuse to ever tweet about Vince Neil:

PS - the answer is yes except that it won't matter because sharks.

My least favorite cameo was that of Stacey Dash as the mayor of Chicago. Now, if this was 1995 and we were discussing Clueless there would be no problem but it is 2016 and Stacey Dash has become that "celebrity" that needs to go away. I cannot with her. I can suspend my disbelief for literally everything else that happens in Sharknado 4, including that time April used sharks as a makeshift defibrillator, but I cannot and will not accept Stacey as the mayor of Chicago. Somehow this morphs into her being the Wicked Witch (a la The Wizard of Oz) including wearing striped socks AND having a house dropped on her. I get that most of the cast of every Sharknado movie is stunt casting but this just seems so wrong for so many reasons. She does ask the question that plagues these movies "Is Fin responsible for the sharknadoes?" It's a mildly valid question but I don't think we'll ever get the answer to this since it's been asked in three of the four movies without an answer.

We also find out the fate of April. If you remember from Sharknado 3 after she gives birth in the belly of a shark during her reentry into Earth from space (just go with it), April is possibly killed by spacecraft debris. Fans were invited to decided whether April lived or died; I voted firmly on the side of "April should die" because April is the worst. But apparently, the "April should live" camp was more vocal and won. Now, I say she's alive but she's not really. Her mad scientist father, played by Gary Busey (of course), has turned her into a cyborg. Not just any cyborg, a cyborg that somehow has a built-in reference to every sci-fi/fantasy/comic book movie made in the last 30 years. There's definitely a nod to the Star Wars franchise (some on Twitter even referred to her as a Sharknado Jedi - I'm so, so sorry Star Wars fans), there are references to Star Trek, the Terminator series, and at some point, April becomes a weird Iron Man without the suit but with some of the toys. April's entire existence reminds me of that Kristy Swanson movie from the 80s called Deadly Friend; there's something super creepy about her in the entire rest of the movie. Keep in mind that her husband and children all think she's dead so her reappearance as a sharknado fighting cyborg is traumatic to say the least. Her youngest child, the child born in the belly of a shark, refuses to recognize April as his mother. He says a shark is his mom. In fact:

It's not until the entire Shepard family decides to face the nuclear sharknado as a family (because "family rules" as Fin tells us), that Little Gil (seriously) decides Cyborg Mom is okay. He even pulls a chainsaw out of a rock (in a nod to Excalibur) to save his family when they've all been "eaten" by sharks Russian nesting doll style. The youngest Shepard has now battled sharks and won so he's truly one of them.

I'm going to admit that only about 15% of the movie makes any real sense. This sequel was so fast paced and moved through so many states that it was hard to keep up with where the family was, how many cameos I missed (we haven't even discussed Dog the Bounty Hunter and his weird Deliverance-like family of chainsaw aficionados), the "science" of why the sharknado and specifically the nuclear sharknado keep coming back (thanks to Al Roker for the explanation), and why Fin has a niece all of the sudden and she's hanging out with him, base jumping to safety, and generally kicking ass. I have no idea why she's here except that Nova is missing and there has to be a hot woman who's not Fin's daughter or wife because that's how these movies work. I thought it would be Fin's son's wife but she dies, setting us up for the end of the movie and the return of Nova.

Yes, Nova returns at the very end (literally the last 30 seconds) riding on top of the Eiffel Tower. I'm not even joking about this. She's been in Paris, as Fin's daughter so helpfully tells us (or maybe it was the niece). I wanted to believe she was there on vacation and finding her one true love but no, apparently, she's been fighting sharknadoes.

I guess this means there will be a fifth Sharknado movie and it will star Nova. Maybe she only appears in odd numbered movies (she was in the first and third installments). Maybe she (the actor) realized this one was a lost cause and held out for a movie where she is more of a central character. Maybe once and for all she will get her Shepard dude (I'm guessing it will be the older son since that's what the first movie told us would happen). Or maybe the next chapter of Sharknado will be free of the freaking Shepard family and Nova will be able to finally avenge her grandfather's shark attack death in the way she has always wanted...total shark annihilation.

I'll be here for you because I watch these movies so you don't have to.

Sharknado poster
Drinking game image by Jessica 
Tweet images by me (from my account)
Tweet image from @SharknadoSyFy

Your Resident Single Friend's Guide to What Not to Buy for Valentine's Day

Happy almost Valentine's Day! Are you ready for another holiday? I group Valentine's Day with New Year's Eve: I'm not really sure why it's such a big deal and why people get all crazy like. My fondest Valentine's memory is being the first "E" in an elementary school play. Good times. Or maybe I was the "I"; I just remember being part of the word and how much fun that was. We probably sang a song too. Wasn't elementary school the best? While the celebration of Valentine's Day is actually a product of the Middle Ages and the idea of courtly love, Valentine's Day as we know it is more closely associated with the 18th century and the practice of giving gifts, tokens, and cards (known as valentines) to your lover. It's this practice of gift giving that I'd like to focus on today.

 

As your resident single friend, I want to make sure that you take the time to really think about the gifts you give this Valentine's Day. I've worked in an office (schools count) for the last twelve years and I can say that it is the most competitive holiday for office gift giving. I've watched women (mostly) be reduced to tears because the guy they've been seeing (for years, months, weeks) forgot to send them anything while their co-workers receive every flower known to man. I've seen grown men have absolute panic attacks because they forgot completely or they realized too late that they bought an inappropriate gift. Valentine's Day is way too stressful. If you've ever seen the 1998 movie Overnight Delivery starring Reese Witherspoon and Paul Rudd you know that I'm right.

And so dear readers, I'm here to help you make smart life choices this Valentine's Day. I want you and your SO to be happy and stay together a long time (if that's what you want to do) and for there to be the hope that the person who loves you gets you at the same time. Here are my suggestions for what NOT to buy this holiday season:

1. Edible Arrangements. I love chocolate covered fruit as much as the next person; it combines the deliciousness of chocolate with the illusion that you're making a healthy snack choice. Edible Arrangements make sense for birthdays and random occasions where you feel that the recipient needs a little pick me up on a Wednesday afternoon. They do not scream "I love you and I think you're special and I want to spend my life with you." There's something mildly practical about an Edible Arrangement. Honestly, it's screams friend zone. I would reserve this gift (even with the added teddy bear) for teachers, your mom, and the co-worker whose birthday is next week and you have to get them something but you don't know them that well.
2. A Stanley Kubrick box set. I get it, Kubrick is a genius. We can debate the merits and missteps of his filmography over a few drinks sometime. Nothing about his films scream "give this as a Valentine's Day gift." I once overheard a young man on Metro chatting up a girl he clearly liked liked and he spent the entire conversation telling her to watch A Clockwork Orange. This is not the movie you recommend to a girl you like who has never watched a Kubrick film. You will not get anywhere with this suggestion - not to coffee, an actual date, and certainly not to anything remotely resembling a physical relationship. I dated a pretentious film buff and it was miserable. Had he opened with, "You have to see A Clockwork Orange," I would have run the other way much faster than I did. If you must buy movies, focus on something your SO actually likes or get them a subscription to Netflix so they can binge watch Gilmore Girls.
3.  Pajamagrams. I like to listen to 98 Rock on my drive to work (it's the rock station out of Baltimore for those not from the DMV). I'm a big fan of the Morning Show with Justin, Scott, and Spiegel. They're amusing, play more music than most morning shows, and I feel like they'd be fun to hang out with. Spiegel is the resident curmudgeon and has a lot of stuff and issues. I was listening last week and during a break an ad came on for Pajamagrams read by Spiegel. I associate Pajamagrams with my mom and Christmas not with Valentine's Day. The ad was specifically for the "Stimulate Her Senses" gift pack. I don't know if it was his reading or the ridiculousness of Pajamagrams trying to be sexy but I was laughing so hard I almost got in a car accident. Just go buy lingerie like a normal person or buy cozy pjs if that's more your SO's thing. Please don't buy a creepily named gift pack from Pajamagrams.
4. Monogrammed anything. Monogrammed gifts sound like a really great idea - no one will get confused if someone else has the same bag! There is a time and place for monogramming things: stationary sets, wedding accoutrement, sleep away camp gear but not Valentine's Day. No one wants stationary for Valentine's Day.
5. Singing telegrams. I have a co-worker who is in a quartet that offers singing telegrams for Valentine's Day so I'm in no way saying that these aren't a good idea. Actually, I think this is a delightful and creative gift for the right person. If you are dating/married to/hooking up with/talking to/etc/etc an introvert or a very shy person, this may not be the best gift idea. If they don't like attention directed at them, this is not the right gift. If the idea of a person dressed as Elvis singing Neil Diamond songs confuses and/or enrages your SO, this is not the gift for them. Think before they sing.
6. Tattooing their name on your person. Tattoos are a serious thing. They are with you forever. The decision to get a tattoo should never be rushed and you should consider the design carefully. Names are a dangerous choice even if you have the best intentions. Tattooing a person's name on your person is serious business. Look what happened to poor Johnny Depp and his "Winona Forever" tattoo; it was not forever. I don't even think that relationship made it past their appearance in a Tom Petty video. If you absolutely must get a tattoo for Valentine's Day, why not make it an experience you can have together? You can each get something that's distinctly you and you share in the thrill of getting inked.
7. A puppy or a kitten or a ferret. Pets sound like a good idea especially puppies and kittens. They're adorable and cuddly and make people smile. What people tend to forget are that pets are a major responsibility and should not be adopted on a whim. If you and your SO are not ready to take on the care and feeding of a live being, don't give a pet as a gift. Honestly, ferrets shouldn't be pets no matter what so just don't make that choice at all. 

Then what should I buy resident single friend? Stick to the classics: pretty flowers, chocolates, cute stuffed animals (and I mean plush not taxidermied), a fun event date, a romantic dinner. Keep it simple and heartfelt. If you want to get really adventurous make them a mix CD and illustrate the cover. Sometimes in the frenzy of gift giving for arbitrary holidays, it's good to stand back and remember that less is more and classic never goes out of style.

Have another quandary you'd like your resident single friend to help you with? Share in the comments and maybe I'll help you out in a future Island post.

Coming soon to the Island: I sign up for Date Lab and at least one online dating site. If I type it here I have to do it so there's not turning back.

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