An existential crisis

As regular Island readers know, I love being a good citizen. When I say "good citizen," I don't mean someone who follows all the rules or never questions why things are the way they are. I mean a person who cares deeply for her community and country, especially when doing so is hard or the motivation is lacking. To me, a good citizen is someone who participates - by voting, protesting, paying taxes, getting involved, getting angry, crying while watching convention speeches and montages. It's also about small things like putting your cart back and not cutting people off in traffic. I'm the type of person who gets excited about jury duty, and then doesn't have to serve (side note: I have now served on a jury and it was one of the most heart-wrenching experiences of my life).  

One of my favorite "good citizen" activities has always been volunteering on various political campaigns. I've been doing this since I was 17 and handed out flyers for Mark Warner's first Senate run. It's fun, despite the horrible things old ladies in Southwest Virginia call you (rhymes with punt), and I like having the backstage look at what happens in state or local campaign offices. I was so excited in 2016 to campaign for Hillary Clinton. I canvassed, I phone banked, I registered voters, and I worked as a poll place greeter. I felt energized in way I hadn't felt since that first campaign 20 years earlier. It wasn't that I didn't feel like part of something bigger in other campaigns (Obama's first term comes to mind), it's that this race felt uniquely personal. 

And then I woke up on November 9th. 

I was gutted. I couldn't believe she didn't win. I knew I it was going to happen before I went to bed on Election Night; I stayed up until Florida was called, but I had this hope that I'd wake up the next morning and it would all be revealed as a horrible joke. And here we are, almost four years later, living in the most messed up timeline in a long time. Trump's America in 2020 is a disaster and he is an embarrassment. Existing in this country at this time is exhausting. As Governor Michelle Lujan Grisham (NM) said during the DNC, Trump's presidency is "an existential crisis." I don't think I've ever agreed with a statement more than this. I feel it in bones how exhausting it is. I have never in my entire life thought about the presidency more than I have since he was elected, and none of it is good. I'd like to return to a life where I don't spend so much time thinking about what disaster is going to happen next. Or what stupid, racist thing he's going to say next. Or worry that the Post Office is going to collapse and one of my neighbors won't get his medication on time (I'd go get if for him if I could, but that's not the point and it comes from the VA). I legitimately can't think about what another four years of this will do to all of us. 

And so I did what good citizen me does, I stayed up late on two school nights and watched nights three and four of the Democratic National Convention. I figured that the convention, which I've watched every presidential election cycle since 1996, would cheer me up a bit, or at least give me some hope. I missed the roll call vote from night two, but watched it on YouTube. It's amazing; take the 40-ish minutes and watch the whole thing. Then go watch Michelle Obama and Jill Biden's speeches from the first two nights. They're wonderful.

I opted to watch nights three and four so I could watch Joe Biden and Kamala Harris accept their nominations. There were times when I was moved to tears: Gabby Giffords's speech, the segment on gun violence victims, young climate change activists, domestic violence survivors discussing Biden's role in getting the Violence Against Women Act (which needs to be reauthorized now), anything about Beau Biden. Other times, the speeches and videos were energizing and made me so proud to be a citizen and a member of this party. Yes, I was annoyed Mike Bloomberg had any time and Julian Castro had none. I understood why some speakers had more time. Elizabeth Warren will always be my candidate (excellent BLM message in background). I loved President Obama's "fiery" (you know, Obama fiery) speech, and cannot wait for Vice President Kamala Harris. 

The moment I was most moved by and have been sitting with since Thursday was during Joe Biden's acceptance speech. It was probably the best speech I've ever seen him give; he wasn't a candidate, he was a President. I forgot what a having an articulate President looks like, what a leader looks like. It was overwhelming to watch (in a very good way). The part of the speech that hit me the hardest was when Biden offered his condolences to those lost to the pandemic. I started crying; that was the moment that did it. We haven't had any sort of national mourning or memorial for those lost. Unlike past national tragedies, we haven't come together as a nation to mourn. I could rationalize that because the pandemic is still raging in the US, it's hard to nationally mourn, but that's only part of it. The problem lies with the person currently occupying the White House. Biden did, in a few minutes, what the president should have done, but hasn't. The contrast between these two men could not be any clearer. 

I know I'm being a bit of a broken record these days, but I can't stress enough how important it is for everyone to vote. It's not just about being a good citizen; it's about fighting for the soul of this nation. I can't stress that enough. Please don't stay home or vote third party because Joe Biden wasn't your candidate. He wasn't mine either, but I understand, and I think a lot of people grumbling about him understand, he's the candidate we need right now. What I saw during the DNC was a unified party, something we haven't had in a long time. We need that to defeat the Impostor in Chief. 

I really want to go back to a time when I wrote about movies, my ridiculously handsome cat, and day trips to Dinosaur Land, but I can't do that right now. I hope that sometime in 2021, maybe around the middle of January, I'll be able to return to our regularly scheduled Island. Until then, this is what you get. Reminders to vote, be decent to one another, and wear your damn mask. 

(This photos are from an embroidery piece I finished a few months ago. One side is a song lyric, the other side is a graphic representation of the lyric. This lyric is from "People Have the Power" by Patti Smith.)

In which I discuss TikTok with my dad

My dad's a funny guy. It's a subtle humor, unless he's telling a dad joke. He's very good at dad jokes. Since I don't go anywhere except the store, and my parents don't really go anywhere except doctor's appointments, I see them once a month (approximately). Back in May, I was visiting and catching up with my dad before dinner. I was telling him amusing Keely stories and talking about work. My dad shifted the conversation to a topic I wasn't expecting. It went something like this:

My dad: Do you know what TikTok is?

Me: Yes...

My dad: I want to watch those videos of the female comedian who's doing the parodies of Trump. How do I set up an account? 

Me: You don't need an account. Let's search for them instead. 

And scene. Apparently, The Washington Post ran an article about Sarah Cooper and Kylie Scott that very morning and he wanted to see the videos because he thought they sounded hilarious. We talked about ways around having an account, how he could search for them or I could send him links (I don't have TikTok, but I am a fraction better at the internet than my dad). I don't know if he finds them on his own now, but I do send him links occasionally, so there's that. Can you imagine what my dad's TikTok account would be like? Videos of him being annoyed at squirrels for eating the plants? Him and my mom talking about the various birds who hang out in their backyard? In addition to squirrel hate and bird watching, my dad's hobbies include going to the commissary/grocery, complaining that he can't hear the dryer when the cycle ends, and watching Hallmark movies and shows on HGTV. You know what, I'd watch those TikTok videos even if he wasn't my dad. They'd probably be unintentionally hilarious and incredibly practical. 

Anyway, this isn't about my dad as much as it's about the fact that my dad thinks the 45 is a joke and his love of the parody stylings of Sarah Cooper should tell you something important about the way people are consuming media and news these days. Neither of my parents like the 45; they didn't vote for him and want nothing more than to see him out of the White House and in prison. They've never been what you'd call liberal, but since the 45 was "elected," there has been a very distinct shift in their politics and social justice opinions. It reached peak hate during the impeachment hearings, particularly around the treatment of Lt. Col Alexander Vindman. I have never seen my dad that angry at the government. Everyone has their moment, and I guess that was his. It's been even worse since March; I've had conversations with them about race and politics and police brutality that I never thought I'd have. It's been a fascinating almost six months. 

Real talk: the recent announcement of an Executive Order banning TikTok has nothing to do with the security issues the platform has been criticized for since it's launch. That may be used in the discussion around the order, but that's not the reason. If that were the reason, that would mean the 45 cares about people other than himself, and we know that's not true. The order is aimed specifically at Sarah Cooper and the TikTok teens who "ruined" the Tulsa rally. Both Cooper and TikTok teens/K-Pop fans take up so much real estate in the 45's brain, it's no wonder he's saying bizarre things during interviews. It has to enrage him that more people would rather watch Sarah Cooper than an actual press conference. And the kids? How dare they! 

More importantly, we should be discussing this Executive Order for one very specific reason:

He signed an Executive Order about TikTok instead of doing anything useful about the pandemic.

In his most recent very stupid interview with Jonathan Swan, the 45 actually said "it is what it is" when asked about the 150K+ people who have died due to COVID-19. Are you fucking kidding me? I say that when the cat throws up on a yoga mat or I have to sit in traffic going south on 95 on a Saturday at 10 am. That is not how the President of the United States is supposed to react to the deaths of his citizens, especially since he and his administration sat by and watched this happen. They had the power and the means to do something, and didn't. He has the audacity to sit in this interview and throw his hands up as if there was nothing he could do about it. I don't blame the 45 for COVID-19, but I blame him for the botched response, the crap economy, and the deaths of 150,000+ Americans. He owns all of those things because he did nothing. No wait, he did something. He spread lies and disinformation and withheld plans because only "blue states" were being impacted. This is apparently how presidents behave. 

For those of you still supporting this monster/moron, what is actually wrong with you? (Also, why are you reading my blog? Is it for the cat posts?) How do you sleep at night knowing that he allowed so many to die? Knowing that so much of this could have been prevented? I don't sleep well all the time; it might be the cicadas and frogs outside my house, but it's mostly the ideas that you as a voter exist and that he is the President. I guess I wasn't designed to understand you, but I hope between now and November you wake up and realize he doesn't care about you, your family, or your life...unless you have lots and lots of money or are a racist.

For the rest of you, everyone who is exhausted and angry and scared, I implore you

VOTE!!!!

If you didn't do it back in June when I originally asked, take time now to get your voting plan in order: 

• Get the address of your physical polling place. For those of you who already are registered, check to see if it moved. This happens all the time, and can cause confusion when you go to vote. 
• Know the hours polling will be open - if you are in line before the end of polling hours, you can still vote. 
• Understand the identification requirements for your state.
• Check into mail-in and absentee ballot rules for your state. Not all states are allowing for mail-in ballots because of COVID-19. so you need to know what you're able to do and how to do. 
• Educate yourself on the ballot. You need to know what positions and ballot initiatives will be on the ballot. Find candidates that support your values and learn about initiatives because your tax dollars pay for them. 

Normally, I'd offer to drive people who need rides to vote, but I volunteered to be an election day worker this year. I don't know if I been accepted yet, but I'll be busy that day, so I won't be able to take people to vote. Please figure this out now. This is the one election where you can't wait to the last minute to figure this out. 

Voting is legitimately what we have left, not just to deal with the 45, but to deal with the people who enabled him. They had the power to stop him, but have opted instead to be greedy, horrible people at our expense. Teach them a lesson, and vote them right out of office (I'm looking at you, voters in Tennessee, Kentucky, South Carolina, and Maine). They're as much of the problem as him, and they don't deserve to serve in Congress.

A final word about TikTok - Sarah Cooper and the TikTok teens will be fine. They will/already have found other ways to get things done. Sarah Cooper is a capable, hilarious human. We'll still see her videos when she posts them. And the teens? Well, if the 45 had raised any of his children he'd know that taking things away from teenagers never works. If they want to do something, they'll figure out how. Not only will they figure out how, but the new solution will be at least ten times more effective and a hundred times more embarrassing for the parent. Teenagers are pretty inventive, so good luck with that.

Stay safe. Wear your mask. Wash your hands. Be nice to one another. Vote. Black Lives Matter. 

Knots

I can stitch a French knot. 

This isn't remarkable, not really. Most seasoned embroiderers can stitch a French knot. Hell, most beginner embroiderers can do a French knot. I, however, have never been able to do them. I've been embroidering for almost 15 years, and it's one of those stitches that I could never grasp. I tried different techniques, but my practice knots were a big old mess. So I avoided French knots when I would create a piece. I learned ways to fake it, and my embroidery didn't suffer because I couldn't make a knot. Most people I make things for don't know what a French knot is, so it's fine. I can make a really beautiful piece with a back stitch, split stitch, and some cross stitches. 

Then I had an idea. Back in February, I asked my friend Kelly if she'd like to try an art experiment. I wanted to see what my embroidery would like over a painting. I don't paint, but Kelly is a gifted painter. I thought it would be fun to collaborate on something, and see if this would work. Embroidering on paper is one of my favorite things, but I had only done small scale work before (cards, little experiments in my sketchbook). Kelly agreed to try it out, and I gave her free reign over the subject and no timeline. Whenever she got to it would be fine. I was in no hurry to do anything. 

Well, of course, the universe has a way of making things happen. As we both stayed at home like good citizens, we had more time to devote to creative projects. By the end of April, I had four paintings in my house, waiting for me to embroider. Two landscapes and two florals. The second I opened the package I knew one thing: I would have to learn how to stitch a French knot. The flowers demanded French knots. And I didn't want to disappoint them. 

I taught myself how to embroider in 2006. I had finally come back to New Orleans after evacuating from Hurricane Katrina. I wrote about my post-K experiences in New Orleans at the start of the pandemic; there are a lot of parallels between the two experiences. It's not the same, but it's not not the same. One of the reasons I picked up embroidery was that I needed something to do in the evenings, in the quiet. Things weren't open, especially not when I first came back right after Thanksgiving. Most of my friends weren't back or weren't coming back, so I spent a lot of time alone. Work was weird (this is an understatement) and often mentally exhausting. Curfews were in place and the National Guard was still in town to help maintain order/peace/whatever. It was and wasn't New Orleans. Teaching myself to embroider gave me something to do that didn't require anyone else to be around, and I had everything I needed to make stuff, so I didn't have to go out. 

Keep in mind this was 2006, so while the internet was a big part of all of our lives, it wasn't what it is today. There weren't hundreds of YouTube channels devoted to embroidery. Sublime Stitching, the design studio where I bought my first kit, was one of the few companies around. The first kit included transfer patterns (I still have many of them), a hoop (still use it), a stitching guide, and some fabric to get started. Most of the basic stitches, back stitch, split stitch, stem stitch, were relatively easy to pick up. If you can do those three, you can embroider. I would eventually add chain stitch, satin stitch, and various techniques for the leaf stitch to my stitch repertoire. Some of my stuff was good, some of it was a hot mess. I embroidered postcards, place mats, pillowcases, bar towels, cloth napkins. I made gifts for people (I doubt they use any of it) and I made things for myself (I used everything until it fell apart). Embroidery kept me grounded in a time when nothing worked the way it was supposed to and everything was sad all the time.  

Since then, I've embroidered when I had time or the mood struck me. A few years ago, I started Wine & Crafts Day with some friends, and I used that time to embroider when I wasn't working on glitter purses. But I didn't challenge myself. It was all stuff I could do without thinking much - just pick the thread colors and stitch away. There's nothing wrong with that, but it's not particularly fulfilling as a hobby or as art. 

When stay at home orders began, I was working on my first commissioned piece. The wife of one of my co-workers saw the Tiger Stadium piece I made for my brother and asked me to make one for her. Once I finished that piece at the end of March, I needed to keep going. Once again, embroidery was filling the time I would normally have been out doing other things or commuting. The Tiger Stadium piece is my own design, so I decided to do more of my own patterns. I did one for Mardi Gras. I started designing embroidered postcards. And then there were the paintings. I needed to work on the paintings. 

Which brings me back to the French knot. My embroidery library has grown quite a bit since 2006. I decided to try one of my newer books, Edgy Embroidery, first before trying a YouTube video. I don't know if it was the visual guides in the book or author Renee Rominger's "you can do it" style of writing, but for whatever reason, the stitch finally clicked for me. I stitched a French knot. 

I can't even begin to tell you how incredibly satisfying it was to make these first three French knots. Fourteen years! Maybe I needed the muscle memory of 14 years worth of other stitches to finally make this happen. I don't know. I have no idea how the brain actually works. Thankfully, my brain decided to fully embrace the French knot. Not only can I stitch knots on fabric, but I figured out how to do them on paper. Carefully. 

Armed with my new stitch knowledge, I designed the stitch patterns for the two floral painting, including lots of French knots. I needed to make up for 14 lost years with no French knots. Making French knots is soothing. I know most embroiderers hate them, but do them anyway since they add texture and dimension to a piece. But I really love them. I feel about French knots the way some people feel about yoga - relaxed and quiet. French knots quiet my brain. 

Since finishing the paintings, I've started incorporating French knots in other projects too. I did a few kits recently, and was excited to see French knots included. 

I'm working on my first embroidered portrait and it has French knots. I took a little artistic license and made the knots a little smaller than the pattern indicated. I'm mildly obsessed with the result:

I have a bunch of projects to work on once I finish the portrait, and one of them is a project made entirely of  French knots. I made my own pattern, and plan to use shades of orange and pink to fill in the design. If I like it, I plan to make this pattern into a series with some additional touches. If I don't like it, well, I'm going to like it. It's French knots in orange and pink. I didn't know I needed French knots in orange and pink until I was sitting at home for the 40th or 50th day in a row and finally figured out how to stitch a French knot. 

Thank you Jenny Hart (of Sublime Stitching) for teaching me to embroider 14 years ago (not in person, but you know what I mean) and thank you Renee Rominger for teaching me how to make a French knot. And thank you Kelly for agreeing to try this whole painting/embroidery experiment that "forced" me to learn the French knot. I look forward to our next collaborative piece, whatever that may be.

Who knew tiny stitches would help me find some level of control in an otherwise chaotic universe?

Stay safe. Wear your mask. Wash your hands. Be nice to one another. Vote. Black Lives Matter.