Lazy Movie Weekend/Your Resident Single Friend: Woman in Peril

Regular visitors to the Island know I take my Lazy Movie Weekend duties seriously. I watched all six Sharknado movies so you didn't have to. That's how much I care about your movie watching; I watch crap movies so you don't have to waste your time. I grew up on a steady diet of B horror movies, 80s teen comedies, and musicals. I'm really good at suspending disbelief. I own Troll 2 on DVD AND have seen the documentary about the movie. I have seen the Ghoulies movies and Killer Klowns from Outerspace more than once. I will legit watch Teen Witch every time it's on. I love a terrible movie.

Which is why getting an email from Netflix a week or so ago about a new movie release should have been my jam. Just the name is enough to entice the bad movie fan in me: Secret Obsession. Is it a woman in peril movie? Does the main character have a weird collection of dolls that live in her house and it's creepy to go in because they're always watching you? Is it about a person with a secret family? What about a cult movie? You know I love movies about cults.

If you guesses "woman in peril" you are correct. Secret Obsession is about a woman named Jennifer who wakes up in a hospital after having been in an accident. She doesn't remember anything because her head injury has caused amnesia. When she wakes up, a man claiming to be her husband is there. She doesn't remember him, but his knowledge of her back tattoo is enough personal information for the hospital to accept the fact that this dude is her husband. Apparently, they're a sister hospital to the one in the original version of Overboard (it was a birthmark in that movie). Dennis Haysbert, the only actor in this movie I know, plays a detective investigating the case. Of course, he has some dark past and it makes him a workaholic. There's also a guy in dark shadows whose purpose we never understand, a nurse who is probably going to get sued along with the entire hospital staff for their poor job of vetting the husband, and some other police officers who don't seem to have anything better to do, but rag on Dennis Haysbert. The "husband" is blandly handsome, as are all leading men in women in peril movies, and his facial hair is questionable. (The actor who played the "husband" was in the movie The Help. He's the second most famous person in this movie, but I had to look that up so it doesn't count).

Given what I've shared, you probably know how this going to go down. Jennifer, played by Brenda Song (from Disney Channel shows), eventually figures out things are not what they seem and starts to fight for her life. In addition to her head injury, she also had a broken foot (I think), so a lot of the movie is her limping around and getting up and down a flight of steps super fast for an injured person. We learn that the fake husband killed four people, including her real husband and her parents. Seriously, he killed her parents. These aren't so much spoilers as things you probably knew happened, but were just waiting for confirmation. It ends as these movies always end, with a contrived attempt by the cop to save the day and the bad guy getting what he deserves. NPR reviewed the movie, and hit on everything I feel about this movie. Thanks, NPR.

I've been thinking a lot about this movie since watching it, and I'm left with two questions:

1. Why did Netflix send me an email about Secret Obsession? I love when Netflix reminds me about upcoming new seasons of shows I watch like Stranger Things and Queer Eye, but what about my viewing history says "Watching this terrible movie about a dude who thinks it's okay to kill people to get the woman he "loves" to notice him and love him back is how I would like to spend my Sunday evening"? My Netfilx viewing habits are pretty focused on a few Netflix original shows, GBBO, some Netflix original movies, cat documentaries, and any programming about cults. Is it because I fit into specific demographic? Is it because I watched one of their terrible holiday movies? Did everyone with a Netflix account get that email? 
2. When did Netflix decide to become Lifetime? Lifetime was built on the women in peril genre. Sure, broadcast networks used to do a "Movie of the Week" or "Saturday Afternoon Movie" that was usually a woman in peril movie, but Lifetime really cornered the market on this genre. I would estimate 80% of its programming is women in peril movies. The other 20% is split between Designing Women reruns, poorly cast biopics, and holiday movies. I was so surprised when they started doing holiday movies; it seemed so out of character for them. And I'm not knocking Lifetime. I've watched these movies for years, and I know they will always supply me with my fix. They're also responsible for some decent movies like the movie version of Reviving Ophelia and they aired the documentary, Surviving R. Kelly. The upcoming Patsy Cline/Loretta Lynn biopic looks promising. Netflix has had a pretty good track record of original movies lately, most notably Wine Country and Always Be My Maybe (which is my favorite movie of 2019). This is why I don't get the existence of Secret Obsession. Is it as NPR suggests; is Netflix trying to dominate all genres and niche markets? Did someone complain that there weren't any women in peril movies available on the streaming service (PS: there are)? Did whoever greenlights movies for Netflix have a bad day? I don't understand.

At the end of watching this movie, I texted my friend Emily. We exchanged messages about the movie earlier in the week after having both received the email. She watched it a few days before me, and confirmed that I predicted the plot from just watching the trailer. One of my texts to her was about how this movie promotes a culture of toxic masculinity. As I watched this movie, that was all I could think of. Not the terrible acting or predictable plot, but that this dude created a situation in which he couldn't take no for an answer. Jennifer didn't know he was "in love" with her. She married a man she loved. Fake husband couldn't see that as a no. He killed her husband and her parents. When she figured out he wasn't who he said he was, he hit her and chained her to a bed. If she hadn't killed him, he would have killed her. That's how this always ends. I can make fun of Netflix and Dennis Haysbert, but at the end of the day, this is what I walked away with after watching this movie. 

As much as I love watching terrible movies, I think I have to stop watching women in peril movies. Like procedural dramas, I've had enough of them and their sister genre, cutesy holiday movies. My need for them has passed. While I'll think fondly of the times we had together, our relationship has come to an end. People change, and I can't watch these movies anymore. The fun is gone. They just make me sad and a little angry. I guess it's back to cult documentaries and baking shows for me.

Next time on the Island: I discuss how I'm doing everything wrong when it comes to parties. 

And now my life is complete

Yesterday at work, I was talking with one of my co-workers about summer vacations. I'm not a huge summer vacation person; the beach isn't really my thing (as I lobster in the sun) and I find traveling to places where it's as hot or hotter than where I live unsatisfying. When I was a kid, we usually moved over the summer, so our vacation was usually a trip to Detroit on the way to wherever we were moving. I usually go on trips in the spring and fall. They're my favorite seasons and traveling in the US is amazing in both seasons because everywhere I travel looks like a postcard. Anyway, I told my co-worker I was taking a few days off in August to participate in a baking contest. Her response was: You live such a creative life! I smiled and took it as a compliment.

The funny thing about this comment was that I don't always feel that creative. I know I do a lot of creative things: make glitter purses, embroider all the things, sew, bake elaborate confections, volunteer at a museum. Sometimes, though, I have zero creative energy to do these things. I have three unfinished embroidery projects in my house right now. I know I need to finish them, but I come home from work and just don't have the energy to work on them. Preparing for a tour, something I truly love doing, is like having a second job (although one where I get to make vagina jokes and make fun of the myth of the white male genius painter). 

What I've come to realize is that I'm often too ambitious in my creative endeavors. I put a lot of pressure on myself to make a certain thing or write a specific thing. Doing that saps the creativity right out of me. Comparing myself to other artists and crafters is equally draining. What I've realized recently is focusing on small projects may be the best way for me to get over my overachiever, perfectionist tendencies and enjoy the creative process. Yes, that's it exactly.

Enter the button maker. 

I don't know your life, but I can tell you one thing about mine: I have wanted a button maker since I was twelve years old. I would love to say it was the release on one of my favorite movies, Empire Records, that inspired me but that movie wasn't out yet. Maybe it was because I went to my first concert the year prior, and started buying concert merchandise like buttons. Maybe it was because I was going through my 1960s/hippie phase, and buttons were a big thing. I don't really know. All I know is that I've always wanted a button maker.

I asked for one a few times over the years, but no one ever bought me one. Yes, I'm now an adult and can buy my own things, but I always come back to the idea that this would be the easiest gift in the world to get me. A button maker or a label maker...I am easily pleased. Finally, for my birthday this year, my friend Anita bought me a button maker. My life is now complete.

Button making is easy and surprisingly soothing. I could make buttons for hours if that was all I needed to do in my life. The tricky part is to the get the placement of the image or words right on the button; the model I have is for 25mm buttons, the smallest size. Images are easier than words, but anything will work.

We hit the jackpot with some old magazine Anita brought over. One was a Rolling Stone issue on the greatest albums from the 90s. The album covers were the perfect size to cut out and make into buttons. Between the two of us, I think we made over a dozen buttons. They're amazing and I will wear them with pride.

I also made a fabric button (lower left, green flowers) and embroidered a design on some denim (under the Nirvana album). I used too thick of a thread for that one, but definitely think the embroidery buttons could be a fun, small project. And that's the thing about buttons: it's a little project that takes less than a minute to make. Can't draw or paint or embroider? No problem! You can still make a button. All you need is a cutout image and the button maker. It's also a low impact arm workout; who doesn't love any activity that combines fitness and art?

I'm convinced there is such as thing as a "button making zone." Had we not decided to start watching Stranger Things, I'm pretty certain I would have just kept making buttons all afternoon. I've started collecting little pictures and magazine pages to turn into buttons. I'm practicing tiny lettering so I can fit words on the buttons in the right position. Some people meditate, I make buttons.

So now, dear Island readers, what should I name the button maker? I feel like it needs a name. Any suggestions?

Coming this summer to the Island: a few new Lazy Movie Weekend posts, I enter the Arlington County Baking Contest, and Keely helps you ease your way out of summer (because he's a very smart cat).