Lazy Movie Weekend: What Happens in Vegas...

I'm not a Las Vegas person. I've been to Vegas three times, and can safely say it's not my jam. I'm not into gambling, buffets, or overpriced shows. If I want to pay a lot of money to see a musical, I'll go to New York. My favorite Vegas memory would be from my third trip, a work trip. I got in later than planned, so by the time I got to the car rental counter, only two cars were left. Who knew in a 24/7 town like Las Vegas, Enterprise would run out of cars? Anyway, I was first in line with a reservation and priority status in front of two guys who also had a reservation, but not priority status. The rental agent gave me the option of a white minivan or a Toyota Corolla. I, being the really amazing human I am, took the minivan. I hope those guys had a great time and participated in the types of shenanigans that people who drive Toyota Corollas get involved in. I don't know what those shenanigans are, but I'm sure they're super fun. Viva Las Vegas...or something.

While Vegas isn't my vacation jam, I do enjoy watching movies and tv shows set in Vegas. I have been known to spend the better part of day watching reruns of the original CSI. I may or may not have recorded an episode yesterday because it was a Lady Heather episode. She was one of the best featured characters in that show's history. Las Vegas on camera, even on a show like CSI, always looks so full of possibilities. It's shiny and glamorous, despite the fact that people die in very weird ways according to CSI. Anything can happen in Las Vegas, and a very attractive CSI team will be on the case should the thing that happens be terrible and lead to a homicide.

My four favorite Vegas movies are Viva Las Vegas, Casino, Ocean's Eleven (2001), and Ocean's Thirteen. Of these movies, I'll watch the two Ocean's movies anytime they're on. They're part of a small group of movies that I'm incapable of not watching, even if edited for television. Also included in this group are You've Got Mail, Legally Blonde, and Funny Girl. There's a certain comfort in watching these movies, but also now that I've seen them dozens (maybe hundreds) of times, I can do other things while watching. I know what's going to happen, so if I walk away for few minutes, it's okay.

The Steven Soderbergh version of Ocean's Eleven is a remake in that it's a heist movie set in Las Vegas and the leader of the gang is a guy named Danny Ocean. The 1960 version starred Frank Sinatra, Sammy Davis, Jr., Dean Martin, Peter Lawton, and the rest of the Rat Pack. To say that it's self-indulgent film would be too nice. The Rat Pack were playing shows in Vegas at night so they decided to make a movie. It's kind of boring; even Julia Roberts has been quoted as saying she fell asleep trying to watch the original. If you really feel the need to watch the original, I might recommend watching the HBO movie The Rat Pack instead. Don Cheadle plays Sammy Davis, Jr., so there's that. The movie is mentioned at some point, and William Peterson plays JFK. His handsomeness far outweighs watching Sinatra and company gallivant around Vegas.

Anyway, there are actually four Ocean's movies in the current series: Eleven, Twelve, Thirteen, and Eight. I've made the joke several times that the only way these movies could get better is with a musical version called Ocean's Five, Six, Seven, Eight. I'm still waiting for this to happen.

Part of the allure of Ocean's Eleven is how freaking cool it is. Danny Ocean walks out of prison in a tux. Rusty is teaching poker to teen idols, which is one of the funniest parts of the movie. Carl Reiner and Elliot Gould are part of the crew. Don Cheadle's accent is questionable, but still charming. Tess curates a museum in a casino, which is weird and cool at the same time. They're all super fashionable and handsome. It's a pretty movie to watch. Even Andy Garcia as the bad buy isn't all that bad. I like to imagine Terry Benedict is really just his character from the disastrous Godfather Part III in a different timeline. Just when you think they're going to get caught or the plan is going to fail, you realize it was all part of the plan from the start. Danny knows things. They all work together in a way that is both enviable and dazzling. It just works, and you believe every bit of it. Everything is for sale, and Danny and his crew use that to their advantage time and time again. Despite the fact that they're doing illegal things, I never want Danny and company to get caught. I want them to steal the money from Terry Benedict. Damn the man, save Vegas!

Ocean's Twelve is a garbage movie, so you have my permission to skip it entirely. The magic of Eleven and Thirteen have to do with Vegas. The location makes both movies seem plausible, because you expect ridiculous over the top scams to happen in Vegas. Taking the action to Europe and including Tess as part of the scam just doesn't work. It's boring, and Catherine Zeta-Jones is terrible. The only good thing about Ocean's Twelve is that Eddie Izzard is in the movie. That's it.

Ocean's Thirteen brings us back to where we belong - Vegas. Reuben, played perfectly by Elliot Gould in all four movies, has been wronged by casino owner Willy Bank (Al Pacino). The crew comes back together to pull off one more caper and ruin Bank in the process. The plot of this movie is more implausible than Eleven, but that makes it even more worth watching. The layers of the scam are truly amazing. I can't help but love every minute of this movie, from the ridiculous disguises to the revolution at a dice making plant to Linus's (Matt Damon) fake nose. Again, every time you think they're going to be caught, they make it through and the payoff is amazing. David Paymer is my favorite part of this whole movie; he has a truly Vegas ending. If you haven't seen any of these movies, watch them in order (skipping Twelve). You have to see them in order.

I saw Ocean's Eight with my parents as part of my birthday celebrations last year. I love this movie. It doesn't take place in Vegas, but still works completely. New York is another place that I don't love as much as everyone thinks I should. I love movies set in New York for almost exact same reason I love movies set in Las Vegas; it appears to be a magical place full of dreams and awesomeness. In Ocean's Eight, we meet Debbie Ocean, Danny's younger sister. She walks out of prison in an evening dress, so you know they're related. Debbie gets her gang together, an all female crew, to steal famous jewelry during the Met Gala. If the awesome cast wasn't enough (Cate Blanchett, Mindy Kaling, Helena Bonham Carter, Sarah Paulson, to name a few), the fashion is amazing. We're also treated to the genius that is Awkwafina. I want her to be in every movie. I like my heist movies with a healthy side of revenge, and we get that here in full effect. We also get Cate Blanchett doing her best Bowie, Reuben makes an appearance, and the ladies win in the end.

There's probably some deep psychological reason for why humans watch the same set of movies or tv shows over and over again. All I know is that I like fun things and three of the Oceans movies are super fun. It's nice to see super glamorous people do illegal things and get away with it. I feel no shame in wanting them to win.

If you don't have anything better to do this week, might I suggest my Vegas Movie Marathon? It's best watched while enjoying a cocktail and wearing your fanciest pajamas.

Erin's Vegas Movie Marathon 

1. Ocean's Eleven
2. Viva Las Vegas
3. Ocean's Thirteen
4. Casino 
5. The Rat Pack (this might be available on Netflix)
6. Vegas Vacation
7. Swingers (only a small part of the movie takes place in Vegas, but I group it here anyway)
8. Bonus movie: Ocean's Eight

Next week: We wrap up May with a look at what I did this month in my 40th year on Earth. Coming in June, we'll discuss actually turning 40, wearing a dress with rainbows, and celebrating one year with Keely!

When I was eleven

I'm almost 40 years old and I don't have children. It's not because I don't like kids or didn't at some point want them; I just haven't found anyone I wanted to have children with. All but one of my serious boyfriends were really great humans, but we weren't the right human for me to decide "you should father my kids." I could adopt or have children without a partner, but that's not what I want for me or for these hypothetical kids. So yes, I could do this, but I don't want to. I have a choice. I made a choice not to have children. Every woman should have the ability to make a choice about having children, whether it's having a kid, not having them, having an abortion, or putting a kid up for adoption. I've had friends struggle with infertility, and be told that they couldn't adopt (apparently 35 is too old). I've had two friends decide to have abortions. It took years for both of them to share that information with anyone. And I have friends who are awesome moms, and do the best for their kids every day. I'm not the only childless one either. Women deserve to make these decisions, and to not have to feel like less than or a criminal because we make the decision that is right for us and our family.

The current state laws being passed/considered in places like Alabama, Georgia, and Missouri are creating a no win situation for young girls and women. Most of these laws are being created by men who clearly don't know how the female reproductive system works. They don't understand fertility cycles or how miscarriages happen. They're creating laws that criminalize being female and remove autonomy from women. These laws aren't about religion or morality, as they are often portrayed. These laws are about power. IT'S ABOUT POWER. If we cared about women's health or the health of children, these would not be the laws we'd be focusing on. But it's not about what's best for women. It's about controlling women.

We are at an important place in the history of who we are as a nation. We've been in this place since the 45 took office in 2016. There have been glimmers of hope, from the marches to the new slate of representatives in Congress to the fact that most of the horrible things end up being struck down in courts. This is the exact opposite of who we really are as a country. We, and I mean the collective we, have a responsibility to correct this narrative. If you're not doing your part today, you need to be. You need to get on board now before there is nothing left to save. I get it, this is not an easy topic for anyone. Abortion has been painted as moral problem for decades, not a health issue. These laws threaten to send us back to a place where women have to take their health to dangerous places.

When I was 11 years old, I liked New Kids on the Block, She-Ra, had a Smurf sleeping bag, and spent time choreographing dances with my friends during sleepovers. I really liked rainbows and unicorns. I had five favorite stuffed animal, including a panda who went everywhere with me. I barely liked boys, let alone understood how babies actually worked. I could keep a goldfish alive for a few weeks with adult supervision. I was, in no way, shape, or form, capable of being someone's mother.

I want you to take a few minutes and think about what you were doing when you were 11 years old. What was your favorite thing to do? Who were your friends? What did you do when you came home from school? Maybe some of you have memories similar to mine. Maybe you had to help take care of younger siblings, but you weren't their mom. You didn't have to carry a baby to term and then give birth. You didn't have to deal with what that meant. You didn't have to face jail time for aborting that baby while your rapist got off with a light sentence because he's a "good Christian." I hope you didn't have to continue living in a house with your abuser. What were you doing when you were 11 years old?

If nothing else has propelled you to take action and do something, from voting to volunteering to donating to giving a damn, now is the time to finally do it. Now is the time to take a stand. Now is the time to start having uncomfortable conversations with your family and friends. I've done this a few times with my parents since the election, and it's not great, but it has to be done. They know I will take to the streets and the polls so no woman has to go back to the alleys and basements to make choices about her health. I will not sit quietly by while a male politician talks about the criminality of abortion one day, but then pays for his mistress to have one the next. This is not who we are. We aren't Gilead, but dangerously close to being there.