That's not how this works...

It's hard to explain the allure of movies like Sharknado or Sharknado 2. Neither film was particularly good but both were so bad that they were amusing. Two hours of ridiculous is sometimes exactly what I need in my life. I've written three posts about the movies and experienced my first true live tweeting event last year during the sequel's premiere. To say that I was excited about the third installment would be an understatement. I planned to live tweet with the wonderful Jessica (check out her blog Neek Confessional when you're done here) and was excited that the third movie was taking place at least partially in DC. What could be better?

I'll tell you what - the other two Sharknado movies. The third movie was many things: a long-form commercial for NBC and all of its holdings, ridiculous (in a less than good way), sort of funny, but ultimately just boring. It didn't have the same humor as the first two. Basically Sharknado 3 was trying too hard. It was too Sharknado-y if such a thing is possible. More importantly, it left me with way too many unanswered questions and none of them are about the science of these movies. If you have questions about the science of the Sharknado movies you should not be watching.

Let's dive in (see what I did there?) to the twelve questions left unanswered by Sharknado 3:

1. At the start of the movie after an inexplicable run through DC (more on this in a moment), Fin shows up at the White House to receive the Medal of Freedom from President Mark Cuban. Why is April, his wife who apparently loves him very much, not with him for this very important event? Sugar Ray is there (he played April's brother in the second movie) but she's not. Now she is pregnant and travel could be an issue but the woman gets on a space shuttle later in the movie with no mind to her unborn child so she couldn't have taken a train? I don't understand.
2. The entire sequence in DC is confusing. I've lived in the area a total of 12 years and I could not for the life of me figure out where Fin was for most of the section. It was filmed here so obviously they used real streets and scenery but none of it makes any sense. Is this how everyone views DC? Do all non-residents (and I'm grouping the DMV as residents) believe that the White House is next door to the Capitol? Do you think that the Secret Service just knows where a person would be and is automatically able to just be there?
   
3.  Why would the nation blame April and Fin for all the sharknadoes? Are they wizards? Do people believe in magic now? In the first movie, there's this bit of dialogue towards the end about government conspiracies being responsible for the sharknado so I get the paranoia but I don't get this. Is the movie trying to make a statement about fame and blame? 
4. What happened to Fin and April's son? The daughter, Claudia, is a central figure in this movie (she's 18 now, totally knows her way around a gun, and watches a sort of dorky guy die after kissing her - you know, normal teenage girl stuff) but no son. There is a quick line about him after Nova reappears ("Still not a stripper.") but that's it. And then the decision is made to make Nova seem like she's going after Fin...a lot. And in a creepy way. If the fourth movie does not bring this guy back and let him finish the sharknadoes once and for all, I quit all further Sharknado movies.
5. Has Frankie Muniz aged? Or is he living in some sort of environment that preserves his youthful appearance? He's 30 years old. 
   
6. As in the first two movies, cameos abound in Sharknado 3. However, the third movie moves beyond musicians, NBC personalities, and original Mtv VJs. There seemed to be more political figures and pundits in this movie than any of the previous ones. Is appearing in Sharknado 3 (or future movies) the new way to maintain political relevance? Michele Bachmann, Anthony Weiner, Ann Coulter, and Jerry Springer (technically a politician) all make appearances. 
7. While we're on the subject of cameos, do you want to know why the next Game of Thrones book isn't done? It's because George R.R. Martin is too busy making a cameo in Sharknado 3. He dies just like all of your dreams about finding out what actually happens in the book.
8. We've established that no one knows how the White House or DC works, but I have to ask do you really think this is how military bases work? There is no way in any version of the universe that these clowns would be allowed on a military base because Fin's the guy that saved New York from a sharknado. I don't care who he knows and who his dad ends up being (more on this in a moment) that's not how this works.
9. Nova was a favorite character of mine from the first movie. It was disappointing that she was not in the second one; April is boring and terrible. Nova is a better lead. My question is this: why did she and Fin end up in their underwear after the first plane crash? Is there some phenomena surrounding a crashing plane that sucks the clothes off of a person? Furthermore, where did they get their new outfits once they got out of the water?
   
10. The cameo you've all been waiting for: David Hasselhoff! Actually, I wasn't waiting for this at all but I can totally see him as Fin's dad. Makes absolute sense. But let's be honest, who would trust David Hasselhoff to pilot a space shuttle? 

    

    PS - Benefit Cosmetics was on of the favorites on this tweet. Day made.

11. Sharknado 3 is one big commercial for NBCUniversal from the move to Orlando to the other properties like the "Today" show and NASCAR but what about the fact that the mission control center for NASA was really a Comcast call center? I have no proof of this whatsoever but seriously this is the only thing in the entire movie that makes any bit of sense.
    
12. Lots of improbable things happen at the end of the movie involving a space mission, sharks living in space (a rejected Muppets title - probably), April in space, and April giving birth in the belly of a shark as it plummets from space back to Earth. As I'm not concerned with the science of this movie, the only important question to ask is this: Should April live or die? The makers of the franchise want us, the viewing public, to decide her fate. You can vote over at SyFy if you're so inclined. I would counter this question with this: Does it even matter and do we care? April is my least favorite character so I wouldn't be sad if she wasn't part of the next movie. I think the missing Shepard son needs to own the fourth movie and maybe take on the mantle of sharknado slayer from his dad. He and Nova can reunite and they'll both have a reason to continue the shark revenge plan Nova has had since the first movie. That's the only thing that makes sense in the grand scheme of these movies. 

There you go; I watched Sharknado 3 so you don't have to. You can thank me later.


Esurance meme
Frankie Muniz
Other images by me

They're called male entertainers

A few years ago my company held its annual meeting in Indianapolis. This event tends to go long into the night as we have an awards ceremony and party after the day long meeting. I, of course, am an old woman so I was in bed by the time the following event did or did not happen. Apparently there was an after-after party in one of the rooms that got a little loud. Hotel security was called and the party broke up. Guess who complained about the noise?

Channing Tatum.

Now as I've already mentioned, I was not directly involved but heard the story the next day from several people. It made me laugh and whenever I see any movie that Channing Tatum is in, this is what I think of first. I can't help myself.

Now if you live in a cave or maybe don't ever leave your house, you may be unaware that Magic Mike XXL is now playing in theaters. The movie tells the tale of a group of male strippers, I mean male entertainers, on a last hurrah kind of road trip to a stripper convention in Myrtle Beach. That's pretty much the plot. Unlike its predecessor, Magic Mike, the sequel is light and fluffy and full of really, really attractive people taking off most of their clothing. The first movie was darker, Steven Soderberg-y, and played a bit like a morality tale. I saw the first movie on HBO because I couldn't bring myself to see it in the theaters by myself. Normally, going to movies by myself is my favorite but Magic Mike falls into one the categories of movies that should never be seen alone.

To review those categories are:

1. Comic book movies or movies based on any popular novel series
2. Romantic comedies 
3. Buddy comedies
4. Old school horror movies
5. Women-centric movies (Pitch Perfect, Bridesmaids, etc.)
6. Movies that feature ridiculously attractive casts

Magic Mike XXL fits into categories 3, 5, and 6. It's definitely a buddy comedy; these guys (Mike, Richie, Tarzan, Tito, and Ken) are the best of friends. Three years has not broken their dude bond and the trip is part of the process of forgiving Mike for leaving them to start his dream life (you remember: custom furniture business, no more stripping, and a lovely woman). This is really the only plot point outside of the trip. Mike is struggling to keep his business afloat and Brooke is no where to be found. Like the other guys, Mike is trying to figure out his path. The road trip and last stripper convention are like one weird StrengthsFinder assessment.

Thankfully, my friend Jordana was game to join me for the movie. We opted to go to one of the movie theaters that has the recliner seats. Seriously, always go for the recliner seat theater if you can. This is definitely a movie for the ladies; there were maybe two men in the theater (I'm guessing husbands or boyfriends). I had read and heard from other friends that the movie was more event than anything else. They were not wrong and that brings me to category 5. Surprisingly, it's a very feminist movie when you get down to it. Women are not objects in this movie; they are queens to be worshipped and treated with respect. I appreciated that women of varying ages (from 20s through 50s and older) and body types were represented. These guys are super hot sages when it comes to love and sex; we should all just randomly hang out with strippers (I mean male entertainers) who are on a trip of self discovery.

The crowd at the AMC Courthouse was both what I expected and what I couldn't have anticipated. I can only imagine that this is what it's actually like to go to a strip club (I've never been to one and don't plan to go to one anytime in the future). Even before Mike starts his routine to "Pony" the audience was cheering and whooping at the screen. We could hear one group of women discussing going to Myrtle Beach next summer (I don't really think the convention is a real thing). There were several "thank you Jesus" shouts  and more giggling than I've experienced at movie in recent months. It was just so funny and sincere and earnest. Mike and his boys did exactly what they set out to do: entertain us and make us smile.

My favorite moments:

• Richie's gas station dance to "I Want It That Way" - he got the clerk to smile.
• The Vogue off
• The cake/cookie debate between Mike and Zoe
• Rome's entire existence
• The fact that Elizabeth Banks is in this movie with an awesome Southern accent.
• Troy from Community and Michael Strahan are both in this movie. Inexplicably.

I don't believe I can do this movie justice. Frankly, you should just go see it. It's worth it.

Next week: On Wednesday, I'll be live tweeting Sharknado 3. You can follow me @eringarland2 for all the fun. I'll also be discussing the third installment here next weekend.

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Lazy Movie Weekend: You got into Harvard Law?

What do I remember about 2001? It was the year I graduated from college and won a theatre department award (which was pretty cool). It was also the year that I moved to Hawaii to live with my parents because I had absolutely no idea what to do with my life. When you don't know what to do with your life, it's probably best to go back home to the people who love you most. And you know, live in paradise while you figure it out.

2001 was also the year that the world met Elle Woods. As portrayed by the amazingly talented Reese Witherspoon, Elle Woods is exactly the right heroine a person needs when approaching actual adulthood. When we meet Elle she is the picture of California, sorority girl perfection: blonde, tan, accessorized, and just about the nicest person you could ever want to meet. She's the president of her sorority and is anxiously awaiting a proposal from her "perfect" boyfriend, Warner. Elle's friends love her and she can spot a nasty saleswoman a mile away. Elle is on top of the world.

And then everything goes wrong. Legally Blonde is about a lot of things: female friendship, fashion, law school, how East Coast people are super mean, the power of a mani/pedi. When I re-watched the movie this weekend, I realized that it's also about figuring out what you want in your life especially when no one believes that you can be anything more than what's "expected" of you. That's the real power of Elle Woods; she becomes something that no one expected and she does it honestly and from the heart. It's refreshing and incredibly feminist. So let's grab an entire box of chocolates and some champagne and settle in for Legally Blonde.

1. The movie begins in the best way possible with the infectious "Perfect Day" by Hoku. She just happens to be Don Ho's daughter. This song occasionally pops into my head for no reason and then morphs with Lou Reed's "Perfect Day" which is a very different song.
2. There are so many things happening in the opening sequence it's hard to keep up. Elle's getting ready for her day, the sorority is coming together to celebrate her impending engagement, there's Clinque Happy perform (a staple for all women in the late 90s/early 2000s). 
3. Hey look it's Robin (Kimberly McCullough) from the soap opera General Hospital! My mom has watched GH forever and I watched it on and off when I was in high school. Robin Scorpio was my favorite character and I was surprised (and pleased) to see her pop up here. Also I love her hair.
4. The scene is the clothing store establishes Elle's smarts even if you don't realize it yet. 
5.  I need a line of friends waiting to help me leave the house everyday. That would be outstanding. 
6. Warner is the kind of guy that everyone thinks is a really great person but is really horrible. Elle's surprise at the course the dinner takes is best summed up with this line: "You're breaking up with me because I'm too blonde?"
7. Serena and Margot are right about one thing: mani/pedis are a cure all for everything. I have experienced this myself numerous times. There's something soothing and therapeutic about having your nails done. It's also where Elle hatches her brilliant plan: she'll just go to law school.
8. Y'all it's Agnes DiPesto from Moonlighting! Allyce Beasley was so wonderful on that show and she's great here too. Despite her misgivings about Elle's ability to get into Harvard, she never tells Elle not to apply. In fact, she tells Elle what she has to do to get in. 
9. Once Elle sets her sights on Harvard, there's no turning back. She's supported by her friends (her parents, not so much) and starts prepping for the LSATs and has a Coppola make her admissions video. Question: which Coppola? Any guesses? There are a lot of them so who do we think it is?
10. A perfect score on the LSAT is 180. Elle scored a 179. Just saying.
11. Given my experience in undergrad admissions, the Harvard Law School admissions committee is even funnier to me now than when I first saw the movie. I know that most high school students think all admissions decisions are made this way. "Aren't we always looking for diversity?" 
12. Everyone at Harvard is mean. Elle tells her adorable dog, Bruiser, "Don't be scared. Everyone will love you." It's as much for her as it is for him but it's just not true. No one likes her and they have no idea why "Malibu Barbie" is at Harvard. 
13. One of my favorite quotes (although I love orange): "Whoever said orange was the new pink was seriously disturbed."
14. Elle's first day of law school outfit is amazing. She tones down the pink in favor of more "studious" greens and blues and even adds some glasses for good measure. I will say that her notebook/pen combo needed more work for someone who wants to be seen as a "serious law student."
15. Warner: You got into Harvard Law? Elle: What, like it's hard? 
    
16. Holland Taylor! It's a shame that she was on that horrible Charlie Sheen tv show but she is pretty great as Professor Stromwell. 
17. Enter Luke Wilson (my favorite Wilson brother) and Selma Blair. There are just too many great actors in this movie. Of course Emmett (Wilson) is a nice guy who tries to help Elle out and of course Vivian (Selma) is Warner's fiancee and the absolute worst.
18. If you are not a fan of Jennifer Coolidge then I don't know if we can be friends. She is hilarious in everything she's in including that Hillary Duff Cinderella movie. Paulette is my favorite character in the movie. We'll get to the bend and snap soon enough.
19. "Don't forget to bring your own Merlot." Avoid any party where this is part of the invitation.
20. Elle enters the party dressed as a Playboy Bunny. Now most of us would have hightailed (see what I did there?) out of that party upon realizing that it was not a costume party. But not Elle. She sized up the situation, stood tall, and owned it. We should all have the confidence of Elle at that party every day.
21. "I'm never going to be good enough for you am I?" and "I'll show you how valuable Elle Woods can be." are rallying cries. It's not about Warner anymore; it's about doing something for herself for a change. And doing it in an exceptionally great and Elle Woods way.
22. Y'all it's Carl from The Breakfast Club! Apparently he lives in a trailer in Boston. I guess that's better than a van down by the river.
23. Elle versus Warner in Callahan's class - it's a great moment where she proves she's smart and smarter than most of the people in the room. Watching the reactions of everyone else is the best part of this scene.
24. "Oh! And it's scented. I think it gives it a little something extra, don't you think?" Maybe pink, scented resumes are the way.
25. Callahan: "Do you think she woke up one morning and said, "I think I'll go to law school today?"
26. And then Elle gets one of the internship spots. She seems to be the only one of the interns that does anything. Best quote from this sequence: "Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don't shoot their husbands, they just don't." Also, Ali Larter joins an already stellar cast (she is also amazing in the Resident Evil movies too) as Brooke Taylor Windham, fitness guru and possible murderess.
27. The Bend and Snap sequence: I need to know if anyone has ever successfully used this move. Elle's stats about it's effectiveness are pretty amazing but really ladies, does this work? Also, check out Elle's shoes in this scene. They are amazing (as is the majority of her wardrobe).
28. Another question: how does Elle actually get all of her "necessities" into the prison for Brooke? I don't think any of those items are on the approved list.
29. I've spoiled a lot of things here for you (you've had 14 years so deal with it) but I'm not going to tell you Brooke's alibi. It's for her to tell.
30. Lots of good relationship changes in the second half of the movie. Emmett continues to encourage Elle to be the best she can be; Elle and Vivian start on their path to friendship, and Warner shows how awful he actually is. And so does Callahan. 
31. As stereotypical as the scenes with Enrique are, it's a nice lead in to Elle becoming the lawyer we all know she is. Her intuition starts to open the case up a bit and seriously, Elle would never wear last season.
32. Raquel Welch and Linda Cardellini are also great as the ex-wife and stepdaughter. I love how Elle goes from unsure law student to fledgling lawyer in just a few minutes. "The rules of hair care are simple and finite. Any Cosmo girl would have known."
    
33. Fun Fact: Reese Witherspoon has 40 different hairstyles in the movie.
34. The final scene at graduation was added to the film after test screenings took place. Test audiences wanted to know what happened to everyone. Witherspoon was in England filming another movie so her part was filmed separately from the audience and then edited together. I've always thought Luke Wilson looked really weird in this sequence and I was right. He had already started filming The Royal Tenebaums and had shaved his head. He's wearing a wig. 
35. And of course, Elle proves that we can all get what we want if we work hard, don't lose faith in ourselves and others, and frankly, just be nice to one another. Let's end this the way we began with a "Perfect Day."

Like it's hard
Courtroom scene
Orange is the new pink
IMDB

Short Story Hour: Pink Ponies of Doom - The Bake Off, Part Two

I gazed out into the audience of the high school gym and saw a cluster of black and pink shirts, towards the front. They seemed to be singing and dancing in the aisle; I couldn't quite tell. The original Pink Ponies of Doom had decided that the only way to support me in the 100th Annual Franklin Hills Bake Off was to make t-shirts featuring my of my favorite My Littel Ponies from childhood. The front of the shirt featured the sweet, friendly faces of the ponies but the back made them into modern day punk baking badasses. Some spiked pony hair, a few tattoos, and I believe Cotton Candy was even sporting a leather jacket and a nose ring. I'm not sure if it was their intention to scare the older women away from the contest or to just be funny. I'll take whatever I can get at this point. My bakery staff and a few other friends were also sporting the shirts and cheering loudly.

I stood behind my table waiting for the third round of judging to begin. It was down to me, Nora Williams, and Fern Allen. The other six contestants had been eliminated in the cookie and cookie bar rounds. Poor Marva hadn't even made it to round two. Nora was a two time bake off winner and Fern held the record for ten wins. I had already proved I was no slouch; I scored perfectly (150 points) in the first two rounds. The Pink Ponies of Doom cookies were a hit; the judges loved the texture and the combo of sweetness and tanginess of the strawberry cream cheese. I was ahead of Fern by ten points; she lost points for sloppy edges in the bar round. Her raspberry lemonade bars were amazing but sloppiness was a rookie mistake.

The third round was the pie round. Pies were judged on three categories: crust (50 points for texture and flakiness); filling (50 points for taste, overall flavor, and consistency), and creativity (50 point for theme, inventiveness, creative ingredient). Judges could dock points for presentation from any of the categories. 

My entry was a S'Mores pie with homemade graham cracker crust (I made the graham crackers too), homemade vanilla bean marshmallows, and a Nutella chocolate filling. Indulgent did not even begin to describe this pie. The richness of the marshmallow and Nutella was balanced by the graham crackers (not too sweet). It was the perfect pie. Nora made her award-winning peach pie with a crumble topping and Fern kept to her theme with a key lime pie (she was going for beverages of summer). Both looked delicious and super simple; no fancy lattice work or odd ingredients. 

The top two bakers would advance to the final round: original cakes. We would have two hours to assemble our cakes in the school kitchen with the help of one assistant. All bakers had to come prepared to advance through all rounds; I had spent the better part of last night creating sugared oranges and fondant creamsicles for my Orange Creamsicle cake. What as more summery than that?

The judges were finally finished with their pie tasting and were deliberating in hushed tones. The gym was noisy; the high school pep band played and people shouted for their favorite baker. It was hot on the little stage; the lights were fixed on each of us like we were on a televised baking competition. My fan club kept cheering for me and dancing in the aisles to the music of the band. Neither Nora nor Fern talked to me or to each other; they had their game faces on.

The band went silent. The judges had come to a decision. The head of the Bake Off committee, Kathleen, stepped on stage with the results."What a great competition so far! Are y'all having fun?" Kathleen's enthusiasm was infectious. The crowd cheered.

"This is one of the closest bake offs in recent history. Our two final bakers are only separated by two points. Our first finalist, advancing to the final round with 443 total points, Fern Allen!" Fern's family shouted and cheered for her.

Kathleen gave them a few seconds to quiet down. "And our second finalist, moving forward with 445 points and keeping her lead, Maeve Lucas!"

I was shocked. Not only was I advancing I had almost gotten a third perfect score. I'd find out later what I lost points for. Kathleen continued, "Fern holds the record for bake off wins with ten under her belt. This is Maeve's first bake off although most of us enjoy her desserts and pastries every day at The Rolling Pin."

"Our bakers and their assistants will have two hours to assemble their final creation: an original cake. The cake round will be judged on taste and texture for both the cake and the frosting, creativity, and adherence to the baker's selected theme. Bakers, your time begins now!" The crowd roared as Fern and I ran back to the kitchen where our assistants waited.

Jake, my assistant, was at our station and had started removing items from our boxes. Ovens were heating and we set to work preparing the cake batters. My plan was to create layers of vanilla cake with a light homemade orange curd as the filling. The orange vanilla frosting would have that something extra from the orange zest. I had three shades of orange selected for the frosting; my intention was to swirl the colors around the cake similar to the push-pop version of the creamsicle that I loved so much as a child. I'd finish it with sugared orange slices and the hand-rolled fondant creamsicles. Nothing super flashy; just fun and refreshing. Like a creamsicle.

Neither of us could see what was happening over at Fern's station. She didn't look happy with her assistant (her granddaughter) but her cake was coming along nicely. I could smell root beer so I assumed she was making a root beer float cake. It smelled delicious.

Time passed quickly and before I knew it we were down to the last thirty minutes. Jake and and I were applying the finishing touches to the decorative elements of the cake and checking for any errant frosting or anything else that could throw off the presentation. All but one layer cake had baked evenly; a little cut off the top had evened it out nicely. Kathleen popped in to give us our ten minute warning. Our cakes needed to be on stage before the ten minutes were up. I inspected the cake one last time, touched up the flourish on top, and decided it was done. I couldn't do anything else at this point. I glanced across the room at Fern; she had already started on her way out the door. Her granddaughter was far ahead of her holding the door and staying out of the way. Jake and I followed suit. My hands were shaking as I walked on stage. I made it to my table without dropping the cake or falling on my face. 

The crowd counted down the last ten seconds with the type of enthusiasm normally associated with basketball games. The Pink Ponies of Doom were the loudest as far as I could tell. The buzzer sounded; it was over. We presented our cakes to the judges, explaining the ingredients, our special touches, and how the cake fit into our theme. Kathleen did the honors of serving the judges, measuring each slice to ensure they received equal amounts. Fern and I headed to our cheering sections while the judges deliberated. 

"You've got this," Lizzie greeted me with a hug and a bottle of water. "Fern has been making some variation of that cake for years. The judges have to be tired of it."

I smiled but was unsure. "Well, she's won ten times. She must be doing something right." Daisy had already planned the after party, win or lose. Before we knew it, the judges had made their final decision.

"Bakers to the stage please. It's time to announce this year's winner!" Kathleen's announcement got the crowd on its feet. Fern and I made our way back to the stage. We shook hands before heading to our tables.

"Alright Franklin Hills, I have the name of our top baker in this envelope. The winner will receive a trophy, a recipe feature in next week's Franklin Hills Gazette's weekend section, and a $500 gift certificate for the Baker's Square. Thanks to the Baker's Square supply store for sponsoring this year's bake off." 

The applause died down and Kathleen opened the envelope. "This year's Franklin Hills Bake Off champion wowed the judges in each round with inventive ingredients, attention to detail, and a whimsical theme that was carried through each creation. With a near perfect overall score, this year's winner is...Maeve Lucas!"

I had unseated ten time winner Fern Allen. I won. Tree house dreams and plastic ponies helped win baking contests. I collected my prizes and posed for photos with my friends and the mayor and Fern. With a soft smile and wink, she vowed revenge next year. 

My cheering section adjourned to The Rolling Pin to celebrate. I placed the trophy out front behind the counter for all to see. Lizzie, Daisy, and I posed for an updated photo enjoying a Pink Ponies of Doom cookies. All that was missing was the tree house.