Short Story Hour: Pickles

"How do they know? It's like every time I'm on the site, the posts have been specifically written for me based on my mood and what happened to me that day. Oh look - baby animals from Australia. Yes, I'm going to click on that because I had a bad day and I need some cuteness. A post about everything we learned from John Hughes/Molly Ringwald movies? Of course, I need to read that. It doesn't matter that I sit in front of a computer all day at work and that I have life things to do, I can still waste hours on that site and not even notice. Especially in the winter." Amelia sipped her wine. Her friend Natalie paused before responding, sipped her wine, and sighed.

"Are you implying that FuzzLife is spying on you?" Natalie was used to hearing insane things from Amelia. They had met freshmen year of college in a World Religions class and bonded over their ability to determine which class member was going to launch into some random and useless tirade about religion and the professor's bias. Amelia was right 96% of the time. It was amazing.

"Spying is such a strong word. I'm not likening FuzzLife to some shady government agency; there are too many baby otters and cat videos on the site for that to be true. I'm sure they track clicks and can analyze data on popular posts. My issue is not that. It's when something that I've discussed with someone shows up on the site a day or two later. That seems too coincidental to me. It's not like I have the app on my phone or something. They just seem to know." Amelia's cat, Pickles, jumped in her lap. The cat took her time getting comfortable. The she flumped into Amelia's lap.

"Cute collar. When did you decide Pickles need a pirate look?" Natalie asked.

"I bought it a few months ago. I couldn't resist a pink cat collar with a skull and crossbones motif. You know Pickles is a killer." The women laughed, thinking back to the story of Pickles killing two mice and leaving them at the foot of Amelia's bed. The sweet, tiny cat had viciously attacked the mice. They had been referring to Pickles as "Killer" ever since.

Pickles acknowledged her nickname with a loud meow and repositioned herself in Amelia's lap. She promptly fell asleep as the women moved onto another glass of wine and a new topic. Pickles figured she had at least an hour of nap time before her human would disrupt her by getting up. Her human was normally very accommodating when it came to being a pillow. But sometimes she didn't understand the cat/human contract and made sudden moves that disrupted Pickles and her precious nap. In those instances, Pickles made sure to run around the apartment at 4:30 am and knock things down. She wanted her human to understand that there were consequences when a nap is disrupted.

Cats are jerks.


Later that week...

"14 Cats Who Just Can't Anymore" Click.

"Which Sweet Vally High Character Are You?" Click.

"The Only 47 Waffle Maker Recipes You'll Ever Need" Click.

"35 Places You HAVE To See Before You Die Or Else" Click.

Amelia glanced at the clock on her computer and realized that two hours had passed since she sat down. Normally, she didn't bring work home with her but her intention had been to get ahead on a few projects she was working on so that she could leave work early on Friday. She had plans to go to open mic night with some friends at a local bar and she didn't want to have to rush from work to meet them. Her plans had been completely derailed by one click on a FuzzLife link. One click was all it had taken. She wouldn't have even bothered except that the post was about ways to organize small spaces and Amelia's apartment was exactly that. She figured the post would be helpful (and to some extent it was; she planned to implement two of the ideas over the weekend) but that one click had led to another one (when to throw out beauty supplies) and then to another (something to do with unlikely animal best friends) and finally to a post about her beloved Gilmore Girls. She had just finished re-watching season four (her favorite) and the post was about the hidden gems of the Dragonfly Inn. It was creepy how on point FuzzLife could be.

"Pickles, why did you let me waste so much time on this site? You should have stopped me."

The cat cocked her head to one side and meowed at Amelia. Normally Pickles got fed up with the lack of attention when the square box that makes noise was out. She would jump in Amelia's lap or lay across the warm box so that her human couldn't make the click-clack noise. Or she'd rub her face on it marking it as hers. When Pickles would do these things, Amelia would stop what she was doing and give Pickles the pets she deserved.

But Pickles didn't seem to care anymore. If her human wanted to use that click-clack maker all the time and laugh to herself, Pickles didn't see any reason to stop her.

Amelia had noticed the change in Pickles. At first she thought Pickles was just being a cat - that's what Amelia loved about cats. They had the right mix of neediness and aloofness. It suited her fairly introverted personality. Amelia loved that Pickles didn't always need to be petted and paid attention to; they could "ignore" one another or cuddle up on the couch. It was perfect. But the ultra aloof behavior continued and seemed to worsen. Amelia had taken Pickles in for her annual checkup a few weeks earlier and the vet had told her it was normal. Pickles still ate like a champ and played with her toys and wanted attention so she was fine. Just getting older was what the vet had told her.

She thought about it for a few minutes. Amelia noticed the changes in Pickles right around the time she got the new pirate collar. Pickles was the rare cat (so Amelia thought) that enjoyed wearing a collar. This was one of the reason Amelia tried to find "statement" collars. Pickles wouldn't wear costumes or sweaters (and Amelia would never make her) but she could rock a collar. Amelia thought Pickles strutted a bit more when she got a new one that she liked. The pirate collar had been a good choice. The pink stood out against her orange fur and it was a little cheeky and badass, just as Natalie had pointed out. Amelia thought Pickles like the collar; she was always positioning herself so that you could see it when she napped. Her cat contortions always seemed to leave that collar exposed. She wanted everyone to see it. On more than one occasion, Amelia's friends complimented the collar.

Maybe Pickles was just getting older. Amelia had to consider that and prepare for what that meant. She wasn't going to that today but it was something she kept in the back of her mind. She shook her head and refocused on her computer. She clicked away from FuzzLife, picked a new playlist to listen to (entitled So Tell Me What You Want - A 90s Pop Primer) and finally started her work project.

Pickles settled herself behind the computer against the warm part in the back. From her vantage point she could hear the click-clack but also other noises that sounded like cats howling. The Spice Girls, Stroke 9, The Soup Dragons, and Better Than Ezra played in rotation until Amelia finished her work.


The following Saturday...

Amelia's phone chirped - a new email awaited her. She checked her inbox; it was from a work friend and the message contained a link to a FuzzLife post. The message read:

"Thought you would enjoy this given our conversation on Thursday. Thanks for having us over for dinner!" Maggie

The post was about 90s fashion trends that were making a comeback. During her dinner party on Thursday, Amelia and several of her friends discussed the unfortunate return of high-waisted jeans and stirrup pants. None of them could fathom why hipster kids wanted to wear such horrible things. Amelia broke out some photos from her middle school years that featured an array of stirrup pants in every color. Why would anyone want to relive that?

The post was funny but Amelia also felt something else as she read through it. The list was eerily similar to the list of fashions her friends discussed. The article featured side by side comparisons of the look in the 90s with its 2014 twin. She though one of the 90s pictures looked Maggie and another one was definitely a picture of Amelia from the 8th grade. She knew that horrifying purple and green sweater. She clicked on the photo credit link and sure enough, it linked to her blog site and some photos she had posted when she wrote about attending her high school reunion.

"Okay. That's how FuzzLife does it. They read my blog." Amelia talked to herself. "That has to be it."

But it didn't make sense. Her blog could only be an explanation for a few of the posts she felt were directed right at her. Several of them were related to conversations she had with friends or family when they were visiting the apartment. When had she started to notice the posts and their "personalization"?

Amelia opened her computer and went to her browser history. She hadn't cleared it in a while so she was able to go back almost six months. She started to go through the history, looking at the links for FuzzLife articles. She grabbed some paper and started jotting down the titles that seemed to be the most personal. She noted the dates.

"How much time do I spend on the Internet? I could have learned a language or how to tango with the amount of time I waste online." Amelia was intrigued but also a little disgusted with herself.

Pickles jumped on the desk and startled Amelia. She had been so deep in thought that she hadn't noticed the cat come into the room. Pickles began to rub her head against the computer and purr loudly. Amelia reached out to pet Pickles. Pickles loved to be petted under her chin. Just as Amelia moved to do this, she noticed something on the pirate collar she had never noticed before. To a casual observer it would appear to be a flaw in the pirate design; an extra black circle next to one of the skulls. What had caught Amelia's eye was that the extra circle appeared to be blinking.

Amelia picked up Pickles and removed the collar. The cat immediately settled right across the keyboard as she had done in the past. Until Amelia bought the pirate collar. She placed the collar on the desk next to her notepad. She got up and walked around her apartment for a few minutes. It was both improbable and impossible that the cat collar and the posts would be linked. That's not how the world worked. At least that's that Amelia wanted to believe.

She sat back at her desk. She picked up the collar again and stared at the circle. It was definitely blinking. There was no doubt in her mind that it was blinking. Amelia glanced at the list of posts and dates again. The earliest post was dated one week after she bought the cat collar. That week there had been a post about holiday desserts for the Star Wars fan in your life. She and her brother had discussed making Star Wars cookies two days before she saw the post. The entire conversation flashed before her eyes: she and her brother had been shopping for their parents' presents and stopped at her apartment to drop the gifts off before meeting up with mutual friends for dinner. Amelia purchased Star Wars cookies cutters that same day and they were trying to decide if they could convince their parents to add the cutters to their annual cutout cookie making extravaganza. Amelia figured it would be easy as long as the Star Wars cookies didn't dominate the day. As long as mom got her angels, dad got his trees and blobs, and there were enough Belushi snowmen to go around, they would be fine.

Then two days later she emailed the link to the FuzzLife post to her brother with some comment about not going overboard. Amelia pulled up her calendar and started comparing post dates to her social plans. Almost every time she had friends over, a post would align to something that they had discussed or a song they listed to or a movie they watched. She thought back to her re-watch of Gilmore Girls and the Dragonfly Inn post. That was too specific not to be related.

Pickles meowed and rubbed her face against Amelia's hand. Pickles! Pickles had been trying to tell her all along. The cat's behavior had changed right after getting the new collar. It wasn't that Pickles liked the collar; she knew something was up and was trying to get Amelia to pay attention. She wasn't showing off; she was calling attention to the weird, almost unnoticeable transmitter in her collar.

"You've been trying to tell me. Pickles, you're such a good cat." Amelia held the cat close to her and heard the familiar purr that she loved. Pickles rubbed her face against Amelia's and didn't squirm as Amelia hugged her a little too much.

Amelia looked at the collar on her desk. No one would ever believe her. They'd call her crazy and paranoid. Or worse - a crazy, paranoid, cat lady. She stopped hugging Pickles and picked up the collar. She went to the cabinet where she kept the cat litter and cleaning supplies. She picked up a plastic bag and proceeded to clean out the cat's litter box. She dropped the pirate collar into the bag, tied it up, and took it down the hall to the trash chute. She returned to her apartment.

"Pickles, how would you like to be a collar free cat for awhile?"

Pickles meowed a few times and weaved around Amelia's legs. It was nap time and there was a sun patch waiting for her.

Lazy Movie Weekend: It's cookie time

I was a mediocre Girl Scout. When my family moved to Alabama, I joined the Troop 453 and enjoyed most of what I remember about being part of the troop. I'm fairly certain that my Super Seller patch was one of those "give everyone a patch moments" because I don't recall being very good at selling cookies. We had to go door to door and I wasn't good at trying to convince people they needed Thin Mints. Camping was not my thing but I do remember really loving the friendship circle and singing a song about friends. I still have my patch sash; my favorite is the one about visiting the nuclear power plant. I did not join another troop when we moved. Despite my Girl Scout mediocrity, I love the Girl Scouts and support them by buying cookies every year. I would totally be a troop leader if I had a daughter. I think the organization is a great way to teach girls and young women about leadership, positivity, and being awesome. And we all know Samoas are the greatest cookie ever made.

Today we celebrate the official start of summer with a trip to Beverly Hills, circa 1989 and meet the fabulous Phyllis Nefler and her Wilderness Girls. In true Phyllis style, let's pop open the champagne and break the Girl Scout cookies for Troop Beverly Hills.

•  I miss animated opening sequences in movies. Mannequin has a great one and so does Troop Beverly Hills. My favorite part is when they use hairdryers to combat a swarm of bees.
• Shelley Long! She's so funny in this movie and it's definitely her personality and her attitude that makes you love Phyllis Nefler. She might start out as vapid and shopping obsessed but she grows into the ideal Wilderness Girl troop leader. She also has no shame in this movie which serves her very well.
• This movie marks the big screen debut of Jenny Lewis. Before she was became an indie band front woman and solo singer (Rilo Kiley, Jenny Lewis & The Watson Twins, Jenny & Johnny), she was Hannah Nefler. I would say this is my favorite Jenny Lewis role but I would be lying. Her best film? The Wizard - a movie about a Nintendo competition.
• Remember that being a Wilderness Girl (like being an actual Girl Scout) is about being a good citizen. You know that I love being a good citizen.
• Do you think that if you are the head of the Wilderness Girls you get to eat cookies every day? 
• Why do all the movies that I write about feature women who can wear hats? You go Phyllis!
• Side ponytails, shoulder pads, scrunchies, and Jane Fonda workout attire - you know you want to rock all of these looks right now.
• This was also Carla Gugino and Tori Spelling's first movie. While I like Carla here, her best role is in the Pauly Shore epic, Son-in-Law.
• Y'all Kellie Martin's dad was Vince Fontaine in the movie version of Grease. 
• I love the parents of the Troop Beverly Hills - there's the dictator and his wife (based loosely on Imelda Marcos), the romance novelist and the lawyer, and movie director. They're all fantastic and awful all at the same time. 
• I lost count but if anyone knows how many time Phyllis says "fabulous" during the movie, I will bake you cookies.
• Velda Plendor - the Wilderness Girls district leader. Velda is funny scary. My favorite Velda line is "I'm a mother. I'm a widow. I'm an ex-Army nurse. First and foremost I'm a Wilderness Girl." 
• Poor Hannah - "Mom, could we spy on dad in the morning?"
• Phyllis Gem #1 - "In the wilderness of life we can never be too prepared."
• Phyllis Gem #2 - "I may be a beginner at somethings, but I've got a black belt in shopping.
• Phyllis's version of camping is closely aligned with my version of camping. I love the ghost stories around the fireplace, room service, and what I'm sure are fantastic sheets at the Beverly Hills Hotel.
• Jasmine's Phyllis impression is the best.
• It's Pee-Wee's Playhouse! It's Frankie Avalon and Annette Funicello!
• One of the things that's so great about this movie is the difference between Velda and Phyllis and how each of them defines the Wilderness Girls. Velda may have been with the organization longer but Phyllis truly understands what it means to be a Wilderness Girls.
• Mary Gross! This movie has so many wonderful people in it.
• For Jessica, "I haven't been to Jazzercise in three weeks!"
• I recall crying a bit when Chica's parents forgot her birthday. Phyllis and Rosa came through.
• Remember y'all too many accessories clutter an outfit.
• And now for a video break - it's Cookie Time! 


 


• Pia Zadora and Robin Leach and Cheech Marin and Ted McGinley too! This movie is so 1989 it actually has its own shoulder pads.
• If I did the math correctly, Troop Beverly Hills made something like $20K selling cookies. I think we're all in the wrong business.
• "Thank you. I'm a grownup person. I think I can take care of myself." Phyllis, I would like to believe this about myself but I'm not sure that it's always true. 
• I love that Phyllis gets drunk on Evian and there's a Valley of the Dolls reference that I'm certain I didn't understand when I was 10.
• The Wilderness Jamboree - 
• Phyllis becomes the leader that we all knew she was including a moment when she using shopping on Rodeo Drive to figure out directions.
• Velda is the absolute worst and gets what she deserves.
• the Red Feathers show their true colors.
• Troop Beverly Hills saves the day and proves that they have wilderness skills - the backpack stretcher.
• Phyllis Gem #3 - "We already won. We didn't quit. We didn't cheat. And we didn't call home when we were in trouble. We were a team."

I think we can learn a lot from Phyllis and Troop Beverly Hills - the value of friendship, being a good citizen, looking fabulous in hats, and of course, that we're all Wilderness Girls at heart.

Wondering which Troop Beverly Hills Character you are? There's a Buzzfeed quiz for that. For the record, I'm Emily (played by the adorable Kellie Martin).

Phyllis photo

The more you know...reality television edition

Reality television is not supposed to teach us anything. Not really. That's not why these shows were created. The premise of every show seems to be either "let's throw a bunch of strangers into a house, RV, kitchen, sewing room, jungle, or wherever else we feel like and see what happens" OR "let's film some family we deem weird or odd or stupid living their lives and sort of poke fun of them but really they're in on the joke (sort of)." You know from day one who the villain is and who you're supposed to cheer for. Even before hashtags became a thing we were always "Team Someone"; Twitter just made it more public.

I have watched a healthy amount of reality television. I was a huge Real World fan in the early years and I've been known to indulge in the Real Housewives of New Jersey. My second favorite reality tv show is Project Runway. It would be my favorite but Mondo didn't win his season and Anya won hers. I question the validity of a show that allows those two things to happen. While I don't think any of the shows I enjoy or hate watch aimed to teach me anything in particular, I've learned a few things from watching, intentional or not:

1. In a group of seven strangers, there will be one total tool, a virgin, and a girl who falls in love with everyone. (The Real World, 1992-1994 and 1998-2000 - the only seasons that matter)
2. If you're on a show that's premise is based on the fact that you can design and construct a garment, you should probably have basic sewing skills. (Project Runway)
3. Additionally, if you claim to want to be a fashion designer you should probably know some fashion history. It might be cool to know designers like Chanel and Valentino. (Project Runway)
4. It's okay to cry when a person you don't know but admire dies. (The Real World - San Francisco)
5. "Make it work" - always listen to Tim Gunn. Tim Gunn will never lie to you. (Project Runway)
6. Glen Hetrick's eyebrows deserve their own television show. (Face Off)
7. Every design must look expensive even if you are using place mats and garbage bags. This is the gosepl according to Nina. (Project Runway)
8. Ve Neil and I should be best friends. (Face Off)
9. Never get into an argument about politics, race, or poverty with people you've only just met and have been forced to live with for a year. (The Real World)
10. Michael Kors was a stand up comic in another life. Or he's just really good at reading people. (Project Runway)
11. How to make prosthetic pieces for creature effects. (Face Off)
12. That I probably shouldn't live in New Jersey. And if I ever do, I should always focus on living within my means. (The Real Housewives of New Jersey)

And most importantly:

“Honey, if you can’t love yourself, how the hell you gonna love someone else?"

If you've never seen RuPaul's Drag Race than you are missing out. As any fan of the show knows, the fabulous RuPaul signs off every episode with the above line and follows it up with "Can I get an amen?" I'm fairly certain that everyone watching the show shouts out "Amen" in response. It's just what you do.

If you're not familiar with the radiant RuPaul, watch this video for "Supermodel (Of the World)":

RuPaul's Drag Race is my favorite. It's genius - the premise of the show is that a group of drag queens compete against one another to be America's Next Drag Superstar. What could be better than that? From RuPaul and her girls, we've all learned the true meaning of the word "reading" and how many levels of shade actually exist in the universe. I've also learned a ton about makeup application (which I will never use but it's interesting) and how to perfectly execute an eye roll.

RuPaul is actually one the reasons that Drag Race is so popular and easy to watch: she's genuinely a good person, cares about the competitors, and while the critique may be harsh, it's meant to make the queen in question a better performer. I'm not 100% certain but I think when RuPaul laughs a drag queen in training gets her first wig. Joining RuPaul at the judges' table are Michelle Visage, a singer and radio personality, and Santino Rice, a Project Runway alum (season two - one of my favorite seasons). The trio is joined each week by some fantastic celebrities like Bob Mackie, Jackie Collins, Linda Blair, Khloe Kardashian, Neil Patrick Harris, and Sheryl Lee Ralph (to name a few). The final say is always RuPaul's but the judges' comments are always a treat.

The challenges are always odd and inventive and the runway portion of the show never disappoints. To say that every drag queen is unique is an understatement. This season's cast featured some gems - Milk, Vivacious, BenDeLaCreme, even Laganja (although I could not have taken another episode with her - she should change her name to Laganja Drama). My personal favorite is Bianca Del Rio. Her wit, style, and "realness" is refreshing. Bianca is not on the show to make friends - it's a contest. She's there to win. Thankfully, we have seen a softer side of Bianca emerge over the end of the season (acting as almost a drag mother to Adore and Trinity) and you know Ru likes her winners to be glamorous, talented, able to read a person, but also nice and caring. If Bianca doesn't win, I predict there will be a sequin riot at RuPaul's front door. Incidentally, Sequin Riot would also be the perfect name for a punk band fronted by Adore Delano. Adore, if you're reading this you should seriously consider the band as a career pathway. I will be your tour manager and help you sew costumes.

The crowning of America's Next Drag Superstar is this Monday. In honor of my favorite, Bianca Del Rio, I have created a cupcake that I'm tentatively calling "Rolodex of Hate Marble Cupcakes" - the swirl evokes both the spin of a Rolodex and the black and white wig she wore in episode six.

Maybe the real lesson of reality television is that you need to get out there and do you. Be creative, say ridiculous things, hone your Tim Gunn impression, make the world a more sparkly place - get out there and do it.

#teambianca

Bianca Del Rio image
Cupcakes by me

I don't want to dress up like a hipster

I knew that my love affair with Diet Coke was on its way to a full out break up when the first Taylor Swift Diet Coke commercial aired. Once the 22 year-olds start singing about being hipsters and hanging out all while drinking a frosty, delicious Diet Coke, you know that nothing will ever be the same again. I feel like Taylor Swift was sitting around one day in some adorable outfit trying to decide what words best described her latest romantic drama and she thought, "You know what? Diet Coke will never leave me or act like a jerk in public so I'll just write songs about how I feel when the caffeine kicks in and the bubbles get in my nose. But then I'll tell everyone it was about falling in love with that guy from that band everyone used to like (or actor that was in that famous movie). I'm a freaking genius."

Some people would just move on and continue enjoying Diet Coke. If they felt really strongly about Taylor's endorsement of Diet Coke maybe they'd switch to Diet Pepsi (if they like to make bad life choices) or maybe they switch to Tab (if they really miss the 1980s). Me, I quit drinking it entirely. Seemed like the right choice to make.

Obviously, this is a lie. Taylor Swift is not the reason I no longer drink Diet Coke. Interestingly enough, I did give this as a reason to one of my co-workers and he believed me. I'm not sure if that means that my co-worker is incredibly gullible or if he just thinks I'm the type of person that would give up soda entirely (not just Diet Coke) because a pop star I don't like endorsed the product. I'm not sure what that says about either of us.

Anyway, I decided to give up soda not too long after I purchased my Fitbit. I'm not what you would call athletic. The majority of my physical fitness comes from cleaning my apartment, dancing around my apartment, and occasional trips to the bowling alley. Or walking to Whole Foods to get a $9 salad for lunch. I'm more of an indoor kid; I like to read, watch movies, be creative, organize things. That's me. I do like to walk, especially outside, so the Fitbit appealed to me because it basically tracks steps. I walk so it's a natural fit. What I was unaware of until my friend told me was that I could also track my food and my sleep with a Fitbit. So it's not just a glorified pedometer. I took the plunge and bought my Flex in February.

And I immediately became obsessed.

The long and short of it is that the Fitbit is a fitness list. The tracker tracks my steps for me and allows me to see my progress day to day (and with lovely weekly reports). I enter my food on either the app or through the website. I track my food like a champ even if it's Twizzlers or that popcorn I had for dinner the other day. I can also add other activities to my log which increases my burned calories for the day. Did you know that shoveling snow burns 200 calories (on the low end) or that vacuuming burns 60? The sleep tracking is interesting too: I am a 98% efficient sleeper. I had a hard time believing this at first but it's been consistent since I got the Flex. More interesting is the fact that most of the times I wake up at night can be attributed to a certain feline that lives in my apartment. Having the Flex has made me more aware of what I do and what I eat. I also drink more water now than I probably have in my entire life. Thanks Fitbit.

This is my best day to date. I'm very proud of it.

I've tried other fitness apps before but have eventually lost interest. I think it's mostly because of the fact that they weren't tied to anything and didn't necessarily provide ways to really track what I was actually doing. I've also connected to several of my friends who have Fitbits. It's a nice encouraging community of people trying to be healthier. It's not really a competition. Really. I mean, I might occasionally think to myself that I want to "beat" one of them but it's all in fun. I also like that Fitbit sends me super encouraging emails and updates on my phone. It would be cool if Fitbit talked and if I could select the voice like on a GPS (I would select "attractive British guy"). That would make Fitbit even better. Oh and if it said things like, "You hit all your goals today. Go ahead and enjoy cupcake happy hour. You deserve it."

Since I bought Fitbit (I realize I'm referring to Fitbit as if it were a person - don't judge) I decided to make some other changes to go along tracking steps and water intake and sleep. Giving up soda was the biggest of these. I'm a fairly healthy eater (although I love cheese, nachos, and Twizzlers) but I do admit to having a soda problem. I never kept track but I probably drank more soda than a person should. I mostly stuck to diet but that doesn't really mean it was better for me. It's still chemicals and unnatural sweeteners so it can't be good. But, as we all know, it's delicious. A perfectly mixed fountain Diet Coke is so refreshing and wonderful. Add some Juan's Flying Burrito black bean and cheese nachos and you basically have the perfect meal. I thought I'd start small so I gave up soda for Lent. If I made it through forty days, I would give it up entirely. I succeeded - I haven't had a soda since March 5.

The first two weeks were the worst. I had occasional headaches which I attribute to my change in caffeine intake. I adjusted my coffee/tea drinking habits a bit and that took care of the headaches (not increasing just spacing out a little differently). I started drinking seltzer water for the bubbles and variety. I have a daily water goal and I usually go over the goal. There were two days that I really craved Diet Coke; I probably would have punched someone in the face if it meant that I could have one. But I did not punch anyone nor did I have a Diet Coke. I can do this.

The forty days of Lent have now turned into sixty-six days total. I have more energy which means I walk more (I'm up to around four miles at least three times a week). I meet my daily step goal of 10,000 steps more often. I don't get as annoyed with myself when I don't hit the goal. You have to take the good and the bad (as The Facts of Life tells us). I can honestly say I don't miss Diet Coke. We had a nice run but it's over.

So Taylor Swift, I give you Diet Coke. I hope you have a wonderful relationship and that Diet Coke treats you better than all the men in all of your songs. I hope when you dress like a hipster people take you seriously (especially the glasses). I hope Diet Coke makes you happy. Treat it well.

And I'm sure my comments have now secured me a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. At least Tina Fey and Amy Poehler will be there with me so I think we'll be good.

Marc Jacobs Diet Coke cans

A Neek and Misfit's Guide to Dating

Back in November I did a presentation at our annual company meeting about getting started with blog writing and why I write. One of the things I told the group was that you have to have a support group when you write. It can be comprised of your mom and your cat if that’s what you need in your life. For the record, my mom reads my blog regularly and Pumpkin is a cat so she can’t read. However, she’s very supportive when I talk out loud while I write. And by supportive I mean she naps and ignores me.

I’m lucky enough to have found a handful of other writers that I feel get me and my style and provide me with honest feedback even if it’s not what I want to hear. My dear friend Bad Shakespeare has visited the Island in past crossovers and today, you get to meet the wonderful Neek Confessional (or Jessica as I prefer to call her). We’ve discussed doing a joint post for awhile and having finally gotten ourselves together to do it.

Now if we could finally pull together our trip to DragonCon we’d be good to go.

Both Jessica and I like to indulge in the internet wonder that is Buzzfeed. We discovered this post from Buzzfeed Community member Doriean Stevenson back in February. Old timey dating advice is legitimately horrifying so we thought maybe we could add to the discussion. Part one of the post will appear here on the Island and part two will appear over on Neek Confessional. Think of it as a conversation between Jessica and I over drinks although we don’t live in the same state. I did drink wine while writing so that counts. #hemingwaywasadrunk

Note: It's best that you read Doriean's post first. My advice is in black, Jessica's in blue. It'll be the opposite on her post. Because reasons.

#1

There is a part in the classic Judy Blume novel Are You There God? It’s Me Margaret where Margaret and her friends decide to start doing bust enhancing exercises to speed up their development in the race to be the first one to get a bra (how little they really understand about the reality of bras). Their mantra: “We must, we must, we must increase our bust.” This move is about as useless as rubbing your stomach to reduce it’s size. See also every Buddha statue that has ever had its belly rubbed for luck. My suggestion: dress in clothes that flatter you and love what you got even if it includes a belly.

For the record, I never read Are You There God? It’s Me Margaret. I know I lose a lot of our “same person!” points for that, but I agree with the idea that bust enhancing exercises are about as useless as tummy shrinking rubs. If you really want bigger breasts, get surgery or have a baby (but please, please for the love of god don’t let that be your only reason to have a baby). If you really want a smaller stomach, do crunches and cardio and whatnot. It’s really not a big deal though. Think about wearing things that make you feel good and not stressing over your figure. Let your attitude define you, not your abs.

#2

I would counter with this statement: there are two types of men in this world - those that wear deep Vee neck t-shirts and those who don’t want to appear like Adam Levine d-bag wannabes. Until you get that Vee neck t-shirt problem under control, I’m going to continue wearing these earrings right over here.

Historically, ear piercing is one of the oldest types of body modification. There are references to earrings in ancient texts and art, the Bible, and Shakespeare. Earrings also have religious significance and are considered a rite of passage in many cultures. Furthermore, aren’t earrings one of the most popular gifts for birthdays and Valentine’s Day? 1912, you’re trying to ruin a perfectly good present opportunity.

I would cross counter with two more types of men that define the world - those that have a smidgen of common sense and those that wear tight, hipster pants.

I don’t know about you but getting my ears pierced was a huge deal for me, and also a lovely bonding moment with my father. I wasn’t allowed for quite a few years to get them pierced, because I had to wait until I was older. Then one Christmas my daddy gave me two pairs of beautiful diamond earrings as the sign that I was now old enough. Totally a rite of passage in my mind.

Also, since my ears are pierced this means I can wear lightsaber earrings. Don’t be a ruiner, 1912.

We are the same person! My dad also took me to get my ears pierced much to the horror of my mother. Dad bonding moments rock!

#3

Two movie references that refute this point totally:

1. Mannequin. Kim Cattrall came to life and fell in love with Andrew McCarthy. She was an Egyptian princess who gets reincarnated (I think) as a mannequin in modern day New York. She uses her awesomeness to help Andrew McCarthy design window displays for a struggling department store, taught us that the only thing to wear under fur is lingerie, and that Hollywood is a wonderful name for a sidekick
2. I don’t know if you’ve seen the Ryan Gosling movie Lars and the Real Girl. In the movie, Gosling is a very un-Ryan Gosling character; he’s shy, not very good with people (especially women), and a bit odd. Anyway, he gets an entire community to accept a life size sex doll as his girlfriend. Lars develops a more meaningful relationship with the doll than most people are able to develop with the actual people in their lives so maybe we can learn something from him.

Sometimes you have to work things out and real people don’t help you so you do what you have to do. Don’t settle for people who don’t value you. You’re better than that.

I didn’t see Lars and the Real Girl but the idea also reminds me of Her. Did you see that? Was that actually out already or is that later this year? Anyway Joaquin Phoenix falls in love with a computer program that has Scarlett Johansson’s voice. I didn’t see it either so I’m not entirely sure how it worked out, but I think the fact that we can list three movie examples between us proves your point. 

I didn't see Her because I have an aversion to Joaquin Phoenix but I'm sure it supports my theory completely. 

#4

My initial reaction to this was, “You just described most women I see out in the evenings in Clarendon.” - dressed to impress someone (not sure who), wearing expertly applied make-up (I wish I could apply eyeliner without stabbing myself in the eye), and traveling solo because no one lives near anyone in the greater DC area. The social lives of most 20 and 30 somethings in any metropolitan area is based on these elements. Frankly, I’m more bothered by a lone male than a lone female; there’s something inherently creepy about some dude at a bar by himself who hasn’t learned the word boundaries. This is probably why I’m still single.

After I thought about this for a bit, I realized that what really bothers me about this statement is that nothing has changed in 150 years. Even if the morals behind the statement have changed, women still have to spend time thinking about their safety when they go out alone (not that men don’t but women have to do this more often). I wanted to be funnier on this one but it just made me mad instead.

One of my friends refuses to let me walk by myself downtown, even if it’s just a situation where I park the car a block or two away then meet them at the bar. This actually makes me really mad. Yes, I think women have to be more aware of their safety than men, which is unfortunate, but I also think you shouldn’t assume I’m helpless. Maybe I have protective equipment in my person. Maybe I’ll whip out some BAMF defensive moves. You don’t know.

An interesting thing I took from this was not so much the makeup (meanwhile eyeliner is like the only thing I can do somewhat successfully) or the clothing, but the expression. Screw the meretricious look in their eyes. What you should really avoid are people of either gender that have that predator look in their eye NO MATTER WHO THEY LOOK AT. Avoid the hunter that’s in it for the thrill of the chase.

#5

Finally someone has explained to me why I’m still single! I haven’t just randomly been sitting on a guy’s lap if I’m interested in him. Clearly all of my social interactions with gentlemen have been wrong. The other thing that I love about this one is that I thought I’d have to wait until I was in my 70s before I could do ridiculous things and just shrug it off as “old lady prerogative”. Now I know that I’ve almost five years behind on this behavior and I could just start doing whatever now. You know, since I’m almost 35 and that is ancient.

I can’t be entirely certain, but I strongly suspect that at some point I *have* randomly sat on a guy’s lap. Apparently this hasn’t worked because I’m still too young. It doesn’t seem fair to have one set of dating behavior for under 30 and other rules for over 30. How am I supposed to keep track of so many rules??

I’m pretty excited though that I only have three years until I catch up to “crazy old lady” status. I see this as also giving permission for day drinking and saying whatever you want to people. This is probably why people write better as they get older (#hemingwaywasadrunk). This is going to be fabulous! 

People are better when they're older and I found proof with the lady walker/jogger/prancerciser that I share the walking trail with on Fridays. I bet she figured out the "sitting on a guy's lap" rules years ago.

#6

I was telling my father and brother about this particular item and both of them brought up lack of pasteurization in the 1880s as a reason that this made sense. I told them that they were not fun and they were no longer allowed to participate in the conversation.

Cheese is one of the perfect foods that exist in the world (potatoes and bread are the other two). Think of all the kinds! I have five types of cheese in the fridge right now. When I worked at the university, we used to get so excited about working an event that included cheese in the appetizer selection. Nothing says impossibly fancy than a cheese tray.

I’ll be bold for a moment: I would rather eat vegan cheese than no cheese at all.

It is one of my greatest regrets that I didn’t really like cheese as a child. There were some exceptions as I freaking loved cheese sticks (the breaded, fried kind. Not the stick of cheese that you eat in strips. Don’t try to pretend I was healthy as a child) but overall I didn’t really care for cheese. But now… amazing. And when you COMBINE cheese, potatoes, and bread, you have basically the best meal ever. Although I would also add onions and bacon to that meal. I am Scottish after all.
 

#7

I’m going to quote a true authority on manners, Cher Horowitz from Clueless: “So, OK. I don't wanna be a traitor to my generation and all, but I don't get how guys dress today. I mean, c'mon, it looks like they just fell out of bed and put on some baggy pants, and take their greasy hair—ew!—and cover it up with a backwards cap and, like, we're expected to swoon? I don't think so”

I think we can apply the same logic to the fact that tablecloths do not equal napkins. Basic manners are important in life and no one wants to sit across from a person (male or female) at a meal and deal with their poor table manners. Use your napkin, chew with your mouth closed, try to use the right utensils; none of this is difficult.

Did I tell you Cher was my 90s female lead match? I’m so happy you picked her quote! How can I possibly disagree with her wonderful life musings?

What I want to know is what exactly are these people doing at their dinner parties to worry about the expense of napkins! Unless you’re throwing a wedding reception I hardly feel like that’s a big splurge area, and I only mention a wedding since tons of people are invited so sheer numbers alone drives up the cost. Seriously, if you’re stressing over paying for napkins, what are you serving at this dinner party? Ramen noodles and boxed wine? That’s the type of meal that generates sarcasm, never mind whether or not people are already joking around. 

Ready for part two? Head over to Neek Confessional to continue the conversation.

Liz Lemon photo