"And then you have to sacrifice a goat..."

Earlier this week, I found myself laying on the floor of my apartment in what I guess was corpse pose, waiting for my realtor to call me back. Keely sat on my chest and purred. He bores easily so it was only a few minutes before he scampered into my bedroom to watch birds or whatever is outside at 6:45 pm. I stayed on the floor for a little while longer. When I did eventually get up, I felt a little less stressed. Maybe it was the yoga pose, maybe it was the cat. I can't really tell you, but I do know I got up and didn't want to cry or punch someone. It was a good feeling.

Last time I posted here on the Island, I was on my way out the door to spend the weekend looking at properties. A lot has happened since that weekend; I looked at eight places (16 total), had a stress dream involving a dog that doesn't exist, fell in love with a condo, put an offer in on said condo (property #15), and have been playing the "let's hope the seller says yes to this perfectly normal thing I'm requesting" game over and over again. I had to write a letter, explaining why I was the only person who should get to buy this condo, including a picture of me and my cat son. This was prompted by the fact that I asked for coverage on closing costs in my offer, a totally normal thing to do, but apparently it made me into a monster. Since we all know Keely is the most handsome cat in the world, I'm sure you won't be surprised to learn that the letter did the trick, and we moved on to the next phase of the process.

Not the image I sent, but you can understand why including a photo of him was "important." I call this one "Keely on the Cover of Tiger Beat."

Y'all, buying a house is ridiculous. I don't know who came up with this process, but seriously, it's ridiculous. I'm incredibly organized, have a background in theatre, and work in corporate America, so my tolerance for checklists, nonsense, and unreasonable people is super high. I was not prepared to feel like an idiot 97% of the time, or feel like I was asking for something outlandish when I was not. I get it, it's a negotiation. It's someone else's home currently (not really, but you know what I mean). I am not, in any way, shape, or form, trying to take advantage of the seller. I'm also not an idiot, but feel this way daily. How many types of insurance are there and how many do we all need? And why does leaving my current insurance carrier feel like a breakup? How many copies of my tax returns, pay stubs, and 3rd grade report card do you need? Would you like a reference from the pet sitter I used when I lived in California? I'm sure I can track her down. If not her, how about a guy I went to high school with, but haven't spoken to in 20 years? We're friends on Facebook, so he knows what's up in my life.

My corpse pose moment earlier this week was brought to you by the appraisal process. We made it through the home inspection addendum with minimal argument; I asked for a few things to be fixed, the seller agreed. I signed the addendum while attending a Letters to Cleo concert. This feels like the least/most Gen X thing I've ever done, but whatever, I had to get it done. First, I had to pay $50 to have the condo association send a piece of paper to my lender. Was it printed in fancy ink or on special paper? No, it was not. It was prepared as an electronic document and emailed to the lender. Then, the actual appraisal took place. Of course, the condo appraised for less than my offer, so we had to go back with another addendum and more waiting and more negotiating and more stress. I offered something where we met in the middle; that's what a negotiation is supposed to include, and then I laid on the floor of my apartment and quietly tried to keep from yelling at people or sobbing uncontrollably. 

By some weird quirk of the universe, a Gilmore Girls marathon was on the UP network on Thanksgiving. My father also loves this show, so we ended up watching a large portion of the marathon, getting my mom and brother in on it too. (I believe we've mad them fans - my evil plan is working.) The season they were playing? Season Four, which is my favorite season of the show. In this season, the GG are going through buckets of change and not doing particularly well at managing it all. It's the season of the opening of the Dragonfly Inn, Rory's first year at Yale, Liz's wedding, Sookie's first kid, Lane moving out of the Kim household, and Sebastian Bach joining the cast. It's perfect on many levels. It's also a hard season to watch because it feels stressful for everyone, but that always makes me feel better. Fictional stress makes real stress easier to manage.

There is a scene in the episode called "The Incredible Sinking Lorelais" where Lorelai has a breakdown and ends up asking Luke to borrow money to finish the inn (not the way she wanted to ask him) after everything goes wrong for her. She's just come from being berated by her grandmother for the possibility that the inn will fail and tarnish the Gilmore name. A sink arrived that Sookie was supposed to approve, but Sookie didn't show up, and the sink went back to Canada. They don't have enough money to finish the inn. She hasn't talked to Rory in days. Luke is listening to her vent everything, and she talks about not having a partner (she's referring to a husband, not her business partner). This scene hit me hard this time around since I've been thinking the exact thing recently. Yes, I'm an adult lady who can do things, but it's exhausting. It's exhausting doing everything by yourself. Making decisions, paperwork, packing, managing everything. It's exhausting, but we're not supposed to talk about how being single is exhausting. Single people are supposed to be happy in our single lives, and not complain about being alone. We made a choice and we're supposed to accept it and move on. Blah, blah, blah.

Like Lorelai, I like my life a lot, but that doesn't mean it's not horribly stressful sometimes and too much to deal with. And yes, I know I'm lucky to have a supportive family and friends and colleagues. I'm incredibly thankful for them, especially two of my friends who have recently gone through this process and have been super helpful. It's just a lot, and I would like it to be over so I can move onto the fun part of this whole experience. There's a fun part, right? There has to be a fun part. If there's not a fun part, then signing 700 documents, reading all of the condo association bylaws and surveys, and watching 3 hours of an online training course on being a home buyer were all for nothing.

The final addendum was accepted, and now we move forward. If all things go well, I'll have the keys to my new home in less than two weeks. I plan to move in after Christmas, but in time for New Year's Eve. I'm hoping the path to closing is smoother than the path to get here and doesn't involve , I don't know, sacrificing a goat.

I've come to believe anything is possible (not in a Debbie Gibson kind of way) with the process of buying a home, so sacrificing a goal is not out of the realm of possibility.

On the next episode of House Hunters Northern Virginia*

*Not a real show.

I had a stress dream about buying a condo. In the dream, I bought this really beautiful condo in Arlington that's just at the top of my budget, but is worth the ridiculous condo fee (because all utilities are included and it's Arlington) and the weird parking lot that's like driving up a hill to a haunted house. At closing, the dude selling the condo tells me that I also have to take ownership of his dog because the dog comes with the condo. We argue about the fact that I don't want a dog as I already have the most handsome cat in the world and he would probably eat the dog. The seller was adamant that I take the dog. This went on for what seemed like eternity until my realtor stepped in and said he would take the dog on my behalf. The seller wasn't happy, but he agreed and I got my condo. My realtor took the dog and I woke up.

I don't know anything about dream analysis, but in terms of oddness, this ranks just after the time I dreamed that all of my leadership development program participants couldn't speak anymore so they needed to present their final projects to the executive team using only interpretive dance. I can make an assumption that the dog represents my apprehension in making a decision about buying a home, not because I dislike the place or it's a bad choice, but because it then becomes a "living" thing that will need care and feeding and my time. Can I manage all of these things? Am I spending too much? Is it the right place for me? It's a lot to think about and you know how I like to overthink everything.

As of yesterday, I've looked at fourteen places. This includes three townhouses and eleven condos. I've driven from Centreville to Fairfax to Kingstowne and all over Alexandria and Arlington looking at places. I've parked illegally three times, hoping my car would still be there when I returned. I've seen the horrors of people who think wall art is a good idea. I've seen so much bad carpet and terrible light fixtures. I've walked out of places asking myself, "Who lives here and why do they think someone else is going to take over this horror show?" I've also left places thinking "That was awesome. Too bad it's in a terrible neighborhood where I'd have to install more security cameras than a bank and get a Doberman." Of the fourteen places, only four have made the "might buy" list and at least one of them is under contract already. The other three are still sitting, waiting for me to do something. 

According to a quick Google search, fourteen viewings is slightly above the average number of places a person will view before buying a home. Apparently, the more places you view, the slower you're evolving as a buyer. I don't think the person who wrote that article has ever purchased real estate in Northern Virginia. I've looked at places within a few miles of each other and you would think I was on another planet. The stark differences between one condo and another is overwhelming. I went to one place yesterday that looked like it hadn't been updated since 1984. Another place had a creepy hallway straight out of The Shining. Thankfully, my realtor laughed when I made a "redrum" joke. Several other places are actually smaller than my one bedroom apartment (although they have more rooms), but they cost way more - what exactly am I getting out of this deal? If I followed the article's advice and purchased a place after only 8-10 viewings, I'd be living in a pit. I'm not evolving slowly, I have taste.

I've never really gotten into the show House Hunters, particularly not the ones where people are buying houses on islands. The couples always seem to have a huge budget for having a job that sounds made up, and don't seem to have ever spoken to one another about what they actually want in a house. However, the more condos and houses I look at, the more I think I might be turning into them minus the ridiculous job and crazy budget. I've actually thought and/or said enough of the phrases on the above card to get BINGO (I'll let you guess which ones). I'm looking at two more places today. I hope by the end of this round, I'll narrow down my contender list and make a decision. My realtor is being very patient (bless him) and is convinced I will find my home sooner rather than later. And then the fun of the offer and closing process begins.

What stress dream will I have next?

House Hunters Bingo