Your Resident Single Friend's Guide to What Not to Buy for Valentine's Day

Happy almost Valentine's Day! Are you ready for another holiday? I group Valentine's Day with New Year's Eve: I'm not really sure why it's such a big deal and why people get all crazy like. My fondest Valentine's memory is being the first "E" in an elementary school play. Good times. Or maybe I was the "I"; I just remember being part of the word and how much fun that was. We probably sang a song too. Wasn't elementary school the best? While the celebration of Valentine's Day is actually a product of the Middle Ages and the idea of courtly love, Valentine's Day as we know it is more closely associated with the 18th century and the practice of giving gifts, tokens, and cards (known as valentines) to your lover. It's this practice of gift giving that I'd like to focus on today.

 

As your resident single friend, I want to make sure that you take the time to really think about the gifts you give this Valentine's Day. I've worked in an office (schools count) for the last twelve years and I can say that it is the most competitive holiday for office gift giving. I've watched women (mostly) be reduced to tears because the guy they've been seeing (for years, months, weeks) forgot to send them anything while their co-workers receive every flower known to man. I've seen grown men have absolute panic attacks because they forgot completely or they realized too late that they bought an inappropriate gift. Valentine's Day is way too stressful. If you've ever seen the 1998 movie Overnight Delivery starring Reese Witherspoon and Paul Rudd you know that I'm right.

And so dear readers, I'm here to help you make smart life choices this Valentine's Day. I want you and your SO to be happy and stay together a long time (if that's what you want to do) and for there to be the hope that the person who loves you gets you at the same time. Here are my suggestions for what NOT to buy this holiday season:

1. Edible Arrangements. I love chocolate covered fruit as much as the next person; it combines the deliciousness of chocolate with the illusion that you're making a healthy snack choice. Edible Arrangements make sense for birthdays and random occasions where you feel that the recipient needs a little pick me up on a Wednesday afternoon. They do not scream "I love you and I think you're special and I want to spend my life with you." There's something mildly practical about an Edible Arrangement. Honestly, it's screams friend zone. I would reserve this gift (even with the added teddy bear) for teachers, your mom, and the co-worker whose birthday is next week and you have to get them something but you don't know them that well.
2. A Stanley Kubrick box set. I get it, Kubrick is a genius. We can debate the merits and missteps of his filmography over a few drinks sometime. Nothing about his films scream "give this as a Valentine's Day gift." I once overheard a young man on Metro chatting up a girl he clearly liked liked and he spent the entire conversation telling her to watch A Clockwork Orange. This is not the movie you recommend to a girl you like who has never watched a Kubrick film. You will not get anywhere with this suggestion - not to coffee, an actual date, and certainly not to anything remotely resembling a physical relationship. I dated a pretentious film buff and it was miserable. Had he opened with, "You have to see A Clockwork Orange," I would have run the other way much faster than I did. If you must buy movies, focus on something your SO actually likes or get them a subscription to Netflix so they can binge watch Gilmore Girls.
3.  Pajamagrams. I like to listen to 98 Rock on my drive to work (it's the rock station out of Baltimore for those not from the DMV). I'm a big fan of the Morning Show with Justin, Scott, and Spiegel. They're amusing, play more music than most morning shows, and I feel like they'd be fun to hang out with. Spiegel is the resident curmudgeon and has a lot of stuff and issues. I was listening last week and during a break an ad came on for Pajamagrams read by Spiegel. I associate Pajamagrams with my mom and Christmas not with Valentine's Day. The ad was specifically for the "Stimulate Her Senses" gift pack. I don't know if it was his reading or the ridiculousness of Pajamagrams trying to be sexy but I was laughing so hard I almost got in a car accident. Just go buy lingerie like a normal person or buy cozy pjs if that's more your SO's thing. Please don't buy a creepily named gift pack from Pajamagrams.
4. Monogrammed anything. Monogrammed gifts sound like a really great idea - no one will get confused if someone else has the same bag! There is a time and place for monogramming things: stationary sets, wedding accoutrement, sleep away camp gear but not Valentine's Day. No one wants stationary for Valentine's Day.
5. Singing telegrams. I have a co-worker who is in a quartet that offers singing telegrams for Valentine's Day so I'm in no way saying that these aren't a good idea. Actually, I think this is a delightful and creative gift for the right person. If you are dating/married to/hooking up with/talking to/etc/etc an introvert or a very shy person, this may not be the best gift idea. If they don't like attention directed at them, this is not the right gift. If the idea of a person dressed as Elvis singing Neil Diamond songs confuses and/or enrages your SO, this is not the gift for them. Think before they sing.
6. Tattooing their name on your person. Tattoos are a serious thing. They are with you forever. The decision to get a tattoo should never be rushed and you should consider the design carefully. Names are a dangerous choice even if you have the best intentions. Tattooing a person's name on your person is serious business. Look what happened to poor Johnny Depp and his "Winona Forever" tattoo; it was not forever. I don't even think that relationship made it past their appearance in a Tom Petty video. If you absolutely must get a tattoo for Valentine's Day, why not make it an experience you can have together? You can each get something that's distinctly you and you share in the thrill of getting inked.
7. A puppy or a kitten or a ferret. Pets sound like a good idea especially puppies and kittens. They're adorable and cuddly and make people smile. What people tend to forget are that pets are a major responsibility and should not be adopted on a whim. If you and your SO are not ready to take on the care and feeding of a live being, don't give a pet as a gift. Honestly, ferrets shouldn't be pets no matter what so just don't make that choice at all. 

Then what should I buy resident single friend? Stick to the classics: pretty flowers, chocolates, cute stuffed animals (and I mean plush not taxidermied), a fun event date, a romantic dinner. Keep it simple and heartfelt. If you want to get really adventurous make them a mix CD and illustrate the cover. Sometimes in the frenzy of gift giving for arbitrary holidays, it's good to stand back and remember that less is more and classic never goes out of style.

Have another quandary you'd like your resident single friend to help you with? Share in the comments and maybe I'll help you out in a future Island post.

Coming soon to the Island: I sign up for Date Lab and at least one online dating site. If I type it here I have to do it so there's not turning back.

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We need more groundhog

 

Regular Island visitors know of my "addiction" to holiday themed Hallmark and Lifetime movies. I've seen most of the Hallmark movies at least twice and I believe I watched all of the new "Countdown to Christmas" movies this year. I've found these movies are best if you've had a glass or two of wine and maybe some chocolate or holiday cookies. The sugar and alcohol makes the improbable "plots" seem realistic and the horrible choices the heroines make bearable. You can even ignore the traditional gender roles and the notion that all love takes is some Christmas magic and glitter. Liking these movies makes me feel like a bad feminist but I can't help myself. I normally confine my watching to the winter holiday season. I like to give myself a bit of break and watch real movies and read more and have a social life.

Until now. 

If it wasn't bad enough that Valentine's Day candy was out before New Year's now Hallmark has introduced us to "Countdown to Valentine's Day". Hallmark is bringing out some of their oldies but goodies and premiering five new Valentine movies including one that stars Jason Lee and involves swans. Yes, Jason Lee now makes Hallmark movies. I wanted him to start singing a Stillwater song in the commercial. Maybe he does that in the actual movie; I haven't watch this one. Yet. The only new movie I've managed to watch is I Do, I Do, I Do. I admit that I feel asleep for about twenty minutes (I'm getting over a cold or something) but I don't think I missed much. I Do, I Do, I Do is Hallmark's attempt at making a Valentine's movie that is one part typical Hallmark love story and one part Groundhog Day. 

Don't believe me? Here's a plot summary: a young woman, Jaclyn, (who is a successful architect by the way) is dating a doctor/author who surprises her in front of the hospital she built with a proposal (that includes an incredible misuse of medical equipment) even though they've only been together for five months and he's terribly self-obsessed. Of course she says yes but the catch is that they have to get married on Valentine's Day which is in less than a week. Her sister tries to talk her out of this nightmare wedding (planned by the groom's overbearing mother) but she soldiers on and gets married. And then she begins to relive her wedding day over and over and over again. Did I mention she also starts to fall in love with the groom's brother (also a doctor who works in Africa) and she "dates" him as she experiences her time loop. The only way to break the loop is to get her wedding day right. This means finally standing up for herself, not marrying the douche-y doctor (this is an apt description if you watch the movie), and falling in love with the other brother.

Like Bill Murray's character Phil in Groundhog Day (which is one of my favorite movies and holidays), Jaclyn begins to realize that she controls what happens each time she relives her wedding day. While she doesn't go to the extremes that Phil does ("Don't drive angry"), she does have her moments of fun particularly at her mother-in-law's expense when she re-plans the wedding. Like Phil, she also realizes that she can use her time to learn and try new things and be daring with her life. It's not until she does the right thing by breaking off her engagement that her particular time loop is broken. Phil learns to be a better person; Jaclyn learns to be a person. 

I should really love this movie but I don't. I want to but I don't. It's not a bash you over the head Valentine's movie (woohoo) and for once the female lead has a career in a field that is not traditional (by Hallmark movie standards). But still it doesn't sit well for me. I could chalk it up to the missing groundhog but that's probably not it. I believe Hallmark missed a huge opportunity to get into the Groundhog Day movie business; I have three ideas for movies that all fit the Hallmark mold but also involve a groundhog and Groundhog Day. There were also opportunities for way more fun in the time loop than was had. Jaclyn does learn things like Italian and how to dance but she mostly spends her time secretly dating her future brother-in-law (which no one finds odd) and not trying to figure out why she's getting married in the first place. Jaclyn's sister is relegated to the background so often you forget she's there and the mother-in-law is so stereotypical it's not even funny.

None of those things are the reason I don't like this movie. I think what bothers me most is this notion that Jaclyn is fine with being average when given the most extraordinary opportunity she's probably ever been given. She gets to relive one day over and over again until she gets it right. Instead of really going for it she opts to do things that will only move her in the direction we all she's going in - to the arms of her future brother-in-law. There's a bit of dialogue at one point where she talks about wanting to go to Egypt because the pyramids are the reason she decided to become and architect. Instead of hopping on a plane and leaving, she stays to learn how to swim. The riskiest thing we see her do is have carbs and red meat at her wedding reception. Carbs and red meat!? I don't know what to say to that.

Think about it for a moment: if you were given the chance to relive one day over and over again until you got it "right" what would you do? For the sake of this discussion, I'll let you select the day that you get to relive. Would you end up in the same place you are today but with more knowledge and maybe some random new skills? Or would you be in a completely different life because you opted for a different path and now you're a different you? This is what I wanted Jaclyn to do; I wanted her to opt for a different path - to not end up marrying the other brother with two minutes left in the movie. 

I used to watch these movies as a distraction from the stress of the holidays or if I had a bad day at work but now I think I watch them to see how much the story will annoy me and how many times I will shout at the television. I can't stop watching them and yet I feel like a traitor to my gender for helping to perpetuate terrible stereotypes about love and dating and marriage. All of these movies center around falling in love in less than a week and getting married or engaged in the last two minutes of the movie. I want more for women than that and yet I have a problem turning the channel. Despite my own experiences and beliefs, I still love a happily ever after story. And I'm not alone. Even Roxane Gay, author of Bad Feminist, likes to watch Lifetime movies. I find this comforting.

(Side note: you should read Bad Feminist. It was one of the best books I've read in a long time. I have her novel, An Untamed State, in my need to read pile right now. Also, follow her on Twitter.)

I'll leave you with a photo of my Groundhog Day cookies and a link to some fun facts about this noble creature. I'm going to get started on my pitch for a new Hallmark movie entitled In the Shadow of Punxsutawney Phil - it involves a plot to destroy his home and the plucky scientist who wants to save the day. Until she meets an adorable child with an interest in preservation who just happens to be the son of the town sheriff who needs love and adventure in his life. Our scientist heroine must decide between saving the groundhog and true love. What choice will she make?
 

Groundhog Day still

Lazy Movie Weekend: Valentine's Day Edition - You can do anything you want except smoke during a monologue

"I always wanted somebody who wouldn't care what hour you went to bed or what hour you got up, and who lived in the way Jack did."
-Louise Bryant, as quoted in Queen of Bohemia by Mary V. Dearborn

In college, three of my favorite non-major courses were history courses: a course on the American Revolution, on heroes in American History, and the history of the American Left. It's in this last course that I first saw the film Reds. Reds is Warren Beatty's sweeping 1981 epic about John Reed and Louise Bryant, journalists, lovers, spouses, and revolutionaries who are swept up in the October Revolution in Russia. Both would produce books about the experience: Reed's Ten Days That Shook the World focuses on the political and documents the events like a historian while Bryant's Six Red Months in Russia looked more at the day to day life following the revolution. She also interviewed many of the women who played important roles in the revolution and the fledgling government.

The film tells this story but also that of Reed and Bryant and their great love affair. Theirs was not an easy love story but it's a fascinating one. As much as Reds is about the tumultuous story of the American Left in the turn of the century and the rise of Communism in Russia, it's mostly a story of two passionate and stubborn people who found themselves in the most amazing places at exactly the right time.

Today's post isn't about Communism or politics; it's about love. I'm currently reading a biography of Louise Bryant and learning more about this complex and practically forgotten figure in the American Left. While I appreciate the look at feminism and the suffrage movement, what I'm enjoying the most right now is the story of Louise and John particularly the way that they described one another in letters and to friends. It's the kind of affection and mutual respect and admiration for one another that rom-coms just don't deliver. One of my favorite passages was from a letter she wrote while in France covering the war, "I just want my honey. Wherever he is, is home." And Reed described her as "wild and brave and straight, and graceful, and lovely to look at."Maybe people then were just better at talking about how they felt about one another. And, of course, they wrote to one another.

Granted, they were also awful to each other. Both believed, or claimed to believe, in the free love and having an open relationship even after they married. However, neither ever seemed (not in the film and not in the biography) to be able to deal with the jealousy and feelings that arrangement created. Regardless, they both had affairs. Lots of affairs. Most famously, Louise had an affair with the playwright Eugene O'Neil. Despite the hurt and betrayals, Louise and John (also called Jack) always found their way back to each other.

And that brings us back to Reds. Every time I watch this film, I fall into the story of Louise and John more and more. It wasn't my intention to make this movie my Valentine's Day tradition but two years ago it just sort of happened. It was on AMC on Valentine's Day and I had no plans so I ordered some takeout and spent just over three hours with two of my favorite actors bringing to life a fantastic and powerful story.

So comrades, let's watch Reds.

1. Musical theatre nerd alert: The music is by Stephen Sondheim y'all. It's such a wonderful score and excellent use of period songs that perfectly.
2. Beatty, who won an Oscar for Best Director for the film, began work on the "Witnesses" portions of the film as early as 1971. These were real people who were part of the action depicted in the film. Some knew Reed, Bryant, or both. Others were important in the various political and social causes of the day. Henry Miller, Roger Nash Baldwin (the founder of the ACLU), Dora Russell (a delegate to the Comintern with Reed), and Andrew Dasburg (a sculptor and one of Louise's lovers) are among the witnesses. What I like about these vignettes is that they add context and first person impressions where the film might not be able to go into more detail.
3. So many fantastic actors! Edward Herrmann (Mr. Gilmore) as Max Eastman, Paul Sorvino, Jack Nicholson as Eugene O'Neil, and the amazing Maureen Stapleton as Emma Goldman. Stapleton won an Oscar for Best Supporting Actress for her role.
4. I'd follow Reds era Warren Beatty anywhere - New York, Russia, Finland, back to Russia. It doesn't even matter. 
5. Diane Keaton is stunning - she takes up so much space on screen even when she says nothing. And there are moments when she looks at Jack or Gene (O'Neil) and it's sublime. One of her best lines, "I'd like to see you with your pants off, Mr. Reed." You can tell Reed was not expecting that.
6. "If you want to have freedom, you gotta go where the freedom is, don't you?" Jack to Louise as he tries to convince her to come to New York.
7. "What as?" Louise and Jack have the same conversation throughout the film about what she is to him (what is she coming to New York as is the starting point). For two people who were as progressive as they both were about so many things, they were really pretty traditional when it came to love and specifically about marriage. Of course, they would never want their friends to know that. I love the way they come back to this at the very end of the film. 
8. "You have to be a bit of a rebel to be an artist of any kind." a Witness. Word. 
9. I wish I could wear hats like Diane Keaton. Really, I wish I could be Diane Keaton.
10. Jack brings Louise white lilies - he remembered her favorite flower.
11. "I want to stop living in your margins." I love this line!
12. My favorite line of the entire movie: Eugene O'Neil to Louise after she ends their affair, "You can do anything you want except not see me and smoke during a monologue."
13. The poem O'Neil gives Louise - Jack Nicholson wrote an actual poem for Diane Keaton and that's what he gives her in the film.
14. I didn't know how involved Louise and Jack were in the formation of the Provincetown Players. It was the first modern theatre to produce original works by American playwrights (O'Neil being one of its chief writers).
    
15. The man on the train as they head off to Russia - he's basically telling dad jokes and they are extraordinary.
16. In the same scenes, Louise's fur collared coat. You just have to see it.
17. The film depicts them as partners in Russia not so much a married couple. This is partially true according to the biography I'm reading. Louise used their time in Russia to focus on their relationship but also became a more focused and accomplished writer during this time. They were not as separated before Russia, as the film suggests, but I do love watching them fall in love again against the backdrop of revolution. Because I'm a super sappy human being.
18. "I've heard you and Louise have decided to be happy." Max Eastman to Jack
19. I love the way Beatty used the witnesses over the action of the film. There's a great sequence of a birthday dinner for Louise (that he haphazardly prepares) over people describing him as "revolutionary." 
20. There was just so much going on socially and politically during their lifetime. How could you not get swept up into it? But on the other side, I can see how Louise would start to lose interest as she lost Jack to the party and politics.
21. And then Jack goes back to Russia and there is the epic story arc of the two of them trying to get back to one another (he to the US and she to Russia via Finland). If that's not love, I really don't know what is.
22. The Soviet Union asked the Finnish government to make filming difficult for Beatty and company. They didn't want to upset their larger and more powerful neighbor so the Finnish government complied.
23. "You separate a man from what he loves the most, what you do is purge what's unique about him. When you purge what's unique, you purge dissent. And when you purge dissent, you kill the revolution." Jack, before he attempts to leave Russia to go back to Louise.
24. I love the scenes between Louise and Emma Goldman throughout the film. One of the common themes in the biography I'm reading is how no one really took Louise seriously; she was John's wife and wrote sometimes. Even after their initial time in Russia and the success of her book, she wasn't taken seriously because she dressed well and cared about her appearance (which revolutionaries hate apparently). Emma was an important figure in Reed's life and didn't seem to care about Louise. Their shared scenes are about the evolution of Louise as a person, a feminist, and a writer.
25. The reunion at the train station. I've seen this movie 5 or 6 times and I cry every time. And then I continue crying until the end of the film. 

Reed died in Russia October 17, 1920. Louise was at his side when he died (as depicted in the film). He was buried in the Kremlin, one of the few Americans interred there. As was the tradition, Louise walked behind his coffin in the procession, alone.

Sometimes you just need a good old fashioned love story to renew your faith in humanity and love. I hope everyone enjoys their Valentine's Day and enjoys watching Reds.


John Reed and Louise Bryant
Warren and Diane
The Triangle