Friday, January 22, 2016

The Island of Misfit Toys Fifth Annual Answer Your Cat's Questions Day

It's January so it must be time for our annual tradition of celebrating Answer Your Cat's Questions Day! Last year we tackled important questions like why I blocked the sunshine (you know, put up curtains), whether Jack White is a vampire, and solved the mystery of the big, red fabric monster (my new couch). This year, we tackle snow, working from home, and terrible additions to the English language. I hope she appreciates my attempts to answer her questions. If not, there's always next year.

1. What is snow and why can't I catch it? 
Snow is a form of precipitation that occurs during the winter months in many places in the world including where we live in Virginia. In the greater DMV, snow is something that strikes fear in the hearts of all residents forcing them to raid the shelves at local grocery stores as if they will never be able to leave their homes again. It also causes people to drive even worse than they already do (if you can imagine) even when there's no accumulation or reason to act like a moron. For kids, snow typically means a snow day and is something to look forward to and enjoy since school is canceled and it's okay that you didn't study for that Algebra test.

You live indoors and snow happens outdoors so you will never be able to catch the snow. You can spend all day batting your little paws at the window but the snow will always win. You should probably just take a nap.

2. Why are you home but not paying attention to me? It doesn't make any sense.
Today is a work from home day; something I rarely do but maybe should consider more often. Since I didn't take the day off, I'm not sick, and I have a ton of work to do, paying attention to you is not on my priority list until the afternoon. I promise at lunchtime and after 3 pm (when I move from my uncomfortable "office" at the dining room table to the couch) I will pay attention to you. Also keep in mind since all of the snow ever will be falling on Saturday, I won't be able to leave and we can hang out all day. Or you can choose to ignore me as is your preferred way of operating.

3. Can I have the shiny, warm box that makes click-y noises and you seem rather attached to? I mean, isn't all your stuff actually my stuff?
We have discussed the computer before. You're not allowed to have the computer and it would be really great if you could not lay on it, sit on it, or try to bat the mouse around like a toy. It's not a "mouse" in the way that you understand the word. And let's not pretend that you're "helping" me; you're not helping me in any way shape or form. Think of it this way, if you don't "help" me I can probably get work done faster which means I can focus my attention on your for the rest of the day. You decide which option you'd like more.

4. I was wondering about the other house that I sometimes have to go to. I suspect they're feeding other cats. Have I been replaced?
How did you find out about the other cats? Yes, you're right my parents have become the neighborhood cat feeders. Being a stop on the hobo bird trail was not enough for them so they've added stray cats to the mix. You haven't been replaced since the cats aren't allowed indoors, don't seem to like my parents, and are basically just part of the wild kingdom that exists in the backyard. Mom did make the mistake of naming one of them (Grey Poupon) but that doesn't mean she likes you less. Remember, you're the one they hand feed treats.

5. What is this magical covering on the bed? Why do you ever leave? It's so cozy.
Flannel sheets are the best aren't they? It's finally cold enough to use them so let's enjoy it while we can. Soon enough I'll be complaining about how hot it is and that summer is the worst.

6. Why did you make me watch The Real Housewives of Potomac
Did you really watch the show or were you napping? I agree though; it is rough to watch. I have to give it an episode or two more just to make sure I'm not passing judgement too soon. I also want to see how many times the word "etiquette" is used; that might be enough to keep me hooked for the entire season.

7. Did you know I actually need to sleep for 16-20 hours a day? It's science
You know about science now? That's awesome. I know that if you don't get your 18 hours you are a challenge to be around. Please, sleep away the day. I'll also let my mom know; she's always concerned that you sleep to much when you visit but she'll be fine once she knows that it's science and all. Also, you should consider making her your napping buddy the next time you stay there.

8. What does #squadgoals mean and can I scratch a person if they say it in front of me? 
You probably shouldn't scratch anyone for something they say; that's not really the way things work in a civil society (which apparently is what we live in). It's a stupid phrase and frankly, is one more thing in the world that adds unnecessary pressure to life. Instead of scratching I would suggest you use your best "I'm judging you" face the next time you hear someone say it and mean it.

9. Can I drive the car some time?
I'm going to say no to this one. There was a sketch from the good years of Saturday Night Live called "Toonces the Driving Cat." Toonces was not a very good driver and I have a feeling you would be an equally terrible driver. So no, you may not drive the car some time.

10. May I go about doing cat things now? Are we done?
When did you get manners? All of the sudden it's "may I" - that's very unlike you. It makes me think that you're up to something. Do you have plans to climb on top of the refrigerator and not be able to get down? Or maybe you're going to knock things off the table all day? Your politeness is suspicious but by all means go about your day and your cat things.

Have a question that you think Pumpkin would like answered? Add it in the comments and I'll do my best to get her an answer.

Christmas gift from a thoughtful and hilarious friend.

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