Thursday, January 22, 2015

The Island of Misfit Toys Fourth Annual Answer Your Cat's Questions Day

Since discovering the existence of National Answer Your Cat's Questions Day in 2011, I have attempted each year to answer the questions that Pumpkin seems to want answered. She's a pretty smart cat and this year she's got some hard-hitting questions for me. I hope she knows that I did my best.

1. What have you done with my couch? What is this big, red fabric monster that smells funny and blocks the heater?

At some point in every adult human's life, they make a decision to purchase more "grown-up" furniture. Since we didn't move (say thank you) this year I decided to redecorate the apartment instead. The "monster" is my new couch. There are several things that you should like about this new couch: you can hide behind it, it's squishier (probably not the technical term), and it has more pillows. Also, our dear friend Christian made some fantastic memes out of you hiding behind it. You're a pretty funny cat. You should figure out how to put that comedic talent to use. Pet rent ain't cheap.

2. Why have you blocked the sunshine from my life? Don't you love me?

I didn't "block the sunshine," I put up curtains. Not just any curtains, thermal curtains. They're supposed to keep the apartment warmer in the winter and cooler in the summer. I hope these will keep the energy bills down and to make our home more comfortable. You can still see the sun and laze about in its warm glory.

3. Okay, I get the warmness but what about my patrol duties? How am I supposed to patrol? 

I leave the blinds open for you so you can jump on the window sill and behind the curtains to continue your patrol duties. The curtains don't prohibit you from keeping up on your patrol. I would never, ever want you to stop your patrol duties. How would I know about the threats of birds that are outside and the bugs you don't seem to be able to catch and whatever it is that you chase around the apartment at 3 am? Your patrol duties can continue. Calm down.

4. What happened to my hedgehog?

I thought you'd enjoy some cat grass; it's recommended by your vet so you can enjoy plants without eating something that will kill you. This is why I bought you the hedgehog planter and successfully grew the cat grass (you know I kill all plants so this is pretty great). Like so many other things, you got too excited and dumped the hedgehog on the carpet making a dirt mess. Thankfully, the hedgehog survived but the cat grass did not. This is why we can't have nice things. I'm sorry you miss the hedgehog but for now, you're not allowed to have things like this. Maybe we can try again this spring.

5. Movie question: Do you think that Jim Jarmusch was implying that Jack White is a vampire in the movie Only Lovers Left Alive?

When did you watch this movie and why are you interested all of the sudden? Is it because I have a minor Tom Hiddleston obsession? Is it because you watch movies when I'm not home? You know I don't like you watching R rated movies when I'm not home; stick to nature programs and reruns of Night Court. The movie takes place in Detroit, Adam and Eve drive past Jack's childhood home and talk about how much they like him, and at times, Adam resembles a later White Stripes era Jack White. I'm not sure if Jarmusch is implying that White is a vampire but he's saying something about rock stars and eternity. And the starkness and beauty of Detroit.

6. Why did you lock me in the bathroom for a whole day? Don't you like me? 

Of course I like you. As a thank you for renewing my lease this year, the apartment complex scheduled a free carpet cleaning for the apartment. Since I can't trust you to just sit somewhere when strangers are in the apartment and I have to you know, go to work, I had to put you somewhere safe. The bathroom was the best option. I put your food and water in there and your favorite pillow. I came home early that day so you wouldn't have to be in there longer than needed. Don't you think the carpets look really nice now? They managed to get the laundry detergent spill stain out which makes me super happy.

7. How many more seasons of Gilmore Girls are left to watch? I was hoping you'd re-watch Treme instead.

Technically there are four seasons left; I started with season four this time and have the final season left and then I should probably go back and watch seasons one-three. I agree that we should re-watch Treme sometime soon but I don't think I can do it right now. I have life stuff to do and watching certain episodes of that show make me homesick and sad. Let's focus on other things like reorganizing the pictures that are hanging up in the house. I know you'll be a big help with that project, ignoring me when I ask if the pictures are straight. You're always a big help around the house. 

8. Last question: Why is there a painting on top of the cabinets in the kitchen? It's sort of in the way.

Remember when we had that other cat visit us months ago and she got stuck in the inexplicable opening up there? After that incident I got the feeling that you might try the same thing so I left the painting I put up there so that you wouldn't end up stuck. I like to think that I take good care of you and this is just one more way to protect you from getting involved in a situation for which you have no exit strategy.

Thanks for joining Pumpkin and me for this year's Answer Your Cat's Questions Day. Hope that you enjoyed Pumpkin's questions; she always comes up with some good ones. It also looks like she figured out that the "monster" is her friend.

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