I don’t have children. I hope that one day I will and that my future husband and I can come to an agreement on a few things before we begin our family. Future husband will need to agree to the following:
1. We will not purchase a minivan. I can’t see out of them and feel like I’d be putting our children in danger if I had to drive them around in one.
2. Under no circumstances can we ever have a pet named Mr. Jingles.
3. Each child has to have its own name. No juniors, the IIIs or girls named after some relative they’ll probably never meet.
And most importantly,
4. Our children cannot be ironic statement babies.
Alameda is often described as “where hipsters come to breed” and ironic statement babies are everywhere. Since moving here I've encountered the ironic statement baby more times than I ever thought possible. The ironic statement baby is a baby being pushed in an expensive stroller (or grocery cart if we're at the store) by a hipster parent and the baby is wearing an ironic statement onesie. You know the onsesies I’m talking about: some random 70s or 80s rock band (like KISS) that hipsters hate but it's cool to hate so they wear the shirt as a statement (but only if it’s “vintage” or at least looks that way). That statement has now landed on your baby. Your baby should not be an ironic statement–it's a baby. He or she should wear something with cute animals because babies are cute and ironic statements are not.
Now I’ll admit that I have some hipster tendencies. I like The Decemberists and Wilco, owls, buying albums not downloading music, Wes Anderson. But I can’t stand skinny jeans, people who wear oversized glasses but don’t really need glasses, dancing, Helvetica. I don’t want to begrudge anyone their preferred lifestyle so be a hipster until you find something cooler just let your babies be babies. That’s all I’m saying.
One day I hope your ironic statement baby forms a KISS cover band in your garage and rocks it as Gene Simmons in full makeup and platform boots. My kid will probably be the drummer and I'll drive them to their gigs because I like KISS and support them un-ironically.
I just won’t be driving them in a minivan.