This time last year I was contemplating what 2013 would bring and hoping that this year would be a good one. I was also thinking about personal growth and how I would tackle my 34th year on this planet. I settled on being the leading lady of my own life. Eventually, I selected a few key ways I thought I could quantify this quest. Throughout the year, I've chronicled my progress on these items along with my musings on movies, music, and how we're all doing everything wrong. As the year draws to a close, I can honestly say that I feel less like the best friend and more in charge of my leading lady life. I did a lot of what I set out to do: try new things, bring new people into my life and spend time with those already there, be more adventurous in fashion, and travel somewhere I've always wanted to go. My year looked something like this:
I wrote a novel in a month (November). Now I know that I can write a novel and now I can go back and edit this one and start on the next idea (which will not be written in a month and will require heavy research and maybe a visit or two to Detroit).
Traveled to Paris (alone) for a birthday champagne toast at the summit of the Eiffel Tower. I did other things too but seriously this was pretty cool and definitely a highlight of my year.
Designed and created my first Lego purse. I had so much fun with this and will return to the world of Lego purse creation in 2014. I have several that I'm designing right now and hopefully will have them done by the end of January. Who knows where this will lead?
Wrote 66 Island posts this year (including this one).
Made some new friends, joined an album club, and went out more than I probably have since college. That's pretty good for an introvert like me.
Shopped my closet, found a pair of boots I love, and added skirts and dresses into the rotation so I don't wear jeans every day of my life.
Read 50 books this year. The national average is 4. And I took November off.
Convinced several senior leaders to participate in a contest where one of them would have to dress as Santa and another as an elf. For the children (for charity). Shocked when most of them came through and it was a successful event overall.
Gave a short presentation on this blog at a work event that was very
well received. This was the highlight of my professional accomplishments
this year.
That's a lot of stuff. What's been most revelatory for me is that I focused on what I wanted to do and accomplish and not so much on what others might expect or want me to do. That's a change for me; I'm a natural counselor in the sense that I'm usually most concerned for others and what they're doing and how their actions impact their lives. And how I can help. That's why I was so good at being the best friend. What I discovered this year is that you can be both the leading lady of your own life while still being the best friend in others' lives. You don't have to sacrifice one to be the other. Like everything in life, it's about balance, focusing on what you want, and telling people the truth.
People often lament leaving a certain time in their lives. I read a lot of articles this year in which the author discussed his/her desire to relive their twenties and I can honestly say I don't want to go back. I'm more confident and interesting in my thirties and I'll probably be even more awesome in my forties and fifties and beyond. It has taken me 34 years to be good with the person that I am and this year has been particularly helpful in that journey. I am not perfect and I don't have to be. It's not easy to say that but it's true. Leading ladies aren't perfect - that's just something the movies has made us believe.
The quest doesn't end because the calendar does. I just move to the next chapter. A new year is all about possibilities.I don't have to have it figured out to know that it's going to be a great year and I'm going to do some amazing things. I just know. And knowing is half the battle (as G.I. Joe tells us).
Thanks for visiting the Island in 2013. I hope that you'll come back in 2014. Lots of good things are coming your way: my love letter to Treme and New Orleans, a post about waffles, some more Lazy Movie Weekends, we'll make it to the 200th post, and I'll make my annual attempt to answer Pumpkin's questions on Answer Your Cat's Questions Day. It's going to be an exciting 2014 here on the Island!
Happy New Year from the Island!
Make smart life choices - have a DD or take a taxi if you're out partying like it's 1999.
Congratulations! You are reading the 100th Island of Misfit Toys blog
post! Do you feel amazing? Has your life been forever altered? Let's
hope so. Thanks for reading and I hope that you'll stick with me for 100 more. If Google brought you here from the dark recesses of a search, I hope you enjoy your visit and come back again soon.
So what to discuss on this historic day? I thought about this a lot and had several ideas planned. I settled on this one today because I'm supposed to be working towards a goal this year and what better way to check in on that goal than to talk about it for the millionth time? Back in the heady last days of 2012, I shared my goal for 2013: to be the leading lady of my life. One would think that this would be a super easy thing to do. But when you've been the sidekick most of your life, it's hard to step into the spotlight of leading lady. I'm trying, I really am.
I also figured out some things I could do to quantify this goal since there has to be a way for me to know that I've achieved the goal at the end of the year. Or at least made progress. One of the ways that I thought I could quantify this goal was to "Be more daring in my fashion choices and dress like a leading lady." Originally I thought I'd make progress towards achieving this by wearing a pair of purple skinny jeans my mother gave me. Skinny jeans are not my favorite fashion trend but I liked this pair for whatever reason. Unfortunately, I have failed at wearing these pants so far. The boots I bought really don't work and I have not been able to move past that yet. Let's put it this way, I have a vision and that vision includes boots. Yes, I could wear other shoes but when you're a leading lady, you're cultivating a look. Until I find the right boots, those jeans will stay in the closet staring at me and judging me.
Another thing that often stops me from being more daring in my fashion choices is the very casual work environment of my office. I can wear jeans every day. I used to joke that I could probably wear pajamas to work and no one would say anything but that's not really true anymore. Anyway, working in a casual office makes it harder to try more things because it's obvious you're trying something. Or people think that you have a date (thank you dear co-worker for asking me about this every time I wear a skirt) or something official is happening during the day. I had a conversation with a co-worker recently in which we both revealed that we wear some variation of the same five outfits each week. This made me sad.
So I did what I think a leading lady would do (no, not go on a shopping spree - I am not made of money): I looked in my closet to see what was really in there. I found some pretty great things that I forgot I even owned - girly tops, pink things, dresses I usually only wear in the spring or summer, skirts, so many skirts. All I really needed to do was mix some things together, buy some tights, and reassess my shoe collection. And that, my friends, is exactly what I did. If this was an actual movie, there would be a fun montage of me trying on all the clothes set to a fantastic soundtrack with really flattering lighting. I vote for some Go-Go's and maybe the Soup Dragons for the music.
It's fascinating to see the reactions of people to a small thing like a pair of purple tights. But reactions there were when I rocked purple tights this week. It wasn't about being outlandish or over the top (I wore gray and black as a balance). It was about having a little fun on a Wednesday and not wearing jeans for the 500th day in a row. I love my jeans but I'm so bored with them. I got compliments from people and felt confident in my appearance that I usually only feel when I get my hair cut (you know the new haircut feeling I'm talking about). I felt like I had pulled off being a leading lady for once and dare I say it, I felt pretty.
And also, I'd like to point out that I'm regularly wearing skirts in cold weather. Like a boss.
The same day I wore the purple tights, I also read two articles about women and their inability to admit that they're pretty. The original article, "Why Can't Women Think They Are Pretty" hit close to home because I've often felt the same things the author describes. Women and girls are taught to be modest but also that appearance is so important to happiness and fulfillment. So what are we supposed to do? Admit we're pretty and be accused of being vain? Be modest all the time and not ever take pride in something? Can we ever do anything without feeling bad about it later? Feeling pretty and being able to admit it is empowering and God forbid any of us feel empowered about anything.
The second article "Why Don't Women Say 'I'm Pretty?' Here Are Ten Reasons", takes it a little further. I appreciated the different takes that the author's friends had on why we don't say "I'm pretty" with ease. Again, I found myself agreeing with all of them. I tried (in vain) to remember a time when I have said "I'm pretty" and the only thing I could come up with was when I was much younger and used to change clothes all the time (like a fashion show that my mom didn't appreciate). I'm certain that when I was 6 or 7 I thought I was pretty and had no problems telling anyone that. Now, I would probably never say that out loud even if I might occasionally say it in my head. And that is unfortunate.
Here's the thing: in order to truly be the leading lady of my own life, I have to embrace all the things about my life that I love, like, and loathe (and apparently only use words beginning with an "l"). It's taken me 30ish years to be happy with who I am, what I look like and how I feel about living in my particular body and world. I can admit I'm pretty and damn anyone who doesn't agree or thinks I'm being vain. I am never going to look like anyone in a magazine ad or a fashion show and that's fine. But I can have fun with fashion and let it be part of who I am. If it's purple tights one day and a polka dot dress the next, then so be it. Let the fashion flag fly. That's what this leading lady is going to do.
And because I know only like four of you know who the Soup Dragons are:
Well kids, it's that time of the year again. A time when we all make a list of all the things we are or aren't going to do this year. As much as I like lists, I never make resolution lists. It always seems like a waste. Am I going to go to the gym everyday because I resolved to do so? No, I've been resolving to do so for years and it never seems to stick.
Instead of resolutions, I like to plan to do a few things/goals/activities (or just one) that I'd like to try or try to do more often this year. I don't really consider these resolutions since it's not a huge deal if I don't do them and frankly, none of them make me feel bad about myself (which resolutions typically do). I've always felt that resolutions were invented so that we'd all feel guilty about something all the time and then hate ourselves a bit more because we didn't meet the expectation of the resolution. Why do that to yourself? I'm certainly not going to and hopefully, the things I decide on this year will be fun and exciting. Anything we try to do should empower us and that's the point of what I do every year.
Last year, my list included seeing more live music (I sort of did this but only once I moved back to Virginia), writing more (DONE), going bowling more often (I went once but with strangers so I'll consider that a draw), helping Anita Smallin make National Postcard Writing Month happen (we'll just have to try harder this year), and to be the leading lady of my own life.
It's the last one that I'd like to focus on today. Here is what I wrote last year:
Be more like Kate Winslet’s character in The Holiday. I love this
movie and I identify with Kate’s character the most. One of my favorite
parts of the movie is when her next-door neighbor (the fantastic Eli
Wallach) tells her to be the leading lady of her own life. He recommends
all these wonderful classic movies that have leading ladies who are
extraordinarily independent and awesome. The women and eventually Kate,
have gumption and moxie. That’s what I will strive to do this year.
This, Island readers, is what I will do this year because I only did a so-so job last year. I've often felt like the sidekick in my own life. If I had to pick the characters I most identify with on my favorite tv show, Gilmore Girls, it would be Lane and Sookie. Lane and Sookie are Lorelei and Rory's sidekicks (when Lorelei and Rory aren't busy being each other's sidekicks). I get it, they're not Gilmores but you know what? They're awesome and they deserve leading lady status as much as those Gilmores. I've always felt like Lane (mostly) - quirky, way into music no one else likes, and an introvert (not shy, just not an engager).
Sidekicks wait. They go on "adventures" with friends, wait for others to make things happen. You know what happens when you wait for others? Nothing - you sit at home watching Hallmark movies and thinking about all the things that you could be doing.
Back in March, I wrote about being labeled "pretty, funny, or smart" by a teacher of mine as it related to the Rush Limbaugh/Sandra Fluke incident about contraceptives. I've been thinking about that particular post again lately because I've had a series of conversations (mostly with other women) that lead me to believe that we still think that you can only be one of these things. I am tired of thinking that being independent and smart and quirky are somehow bad things and relegate us to sidekick status. That the capacity to do things by yourself or alone (not be lonely) is somehow a bad thing. It is not. That because I'm independent and quirky and smart and do things by myself, no guy will ever love me (which someone told me recently - apparently I'm intimidating and quirkiness has been taken over by hipsters so it's not attractive and I should dial down the quirkiness) and that I am only my job because clearly that's all anyone ever is. You know, if you're not a mom (because then I would be mom first, career second - apparently). Are you kidding me? Is this still where we are for women and girls?
It's unfortunate that so much of our lives are spent not liking anything about ourselves. Or we spend so much time trying to be something for other people. Why do we do that to ourselves? I feel like since I entered my 30s I have truly liked who I am, what I look like, and what I do with my life (career, hobbies, etc.). It's fascinating to me that it took me until I hit 30 to really feel that way. I just want to be happy and enjoy my life and stop trying so hard to be things I'm not. I want to be like the 3rd grader who dresses as a different historical figures that she likes (male or female) because she has fun doing it and is learning something at the same time. Because she is being the leading lady (in a lot of ways) of her own life.
So my plan for 2013: be the leading lady of my own life.
I will leave you with the wise words of the poet/rocker Liz Phair. Because we all are extraordinary.
Video from youtube.com
PS - Thanks for reading in 2012! I hope that you come back in 2013. I promise more lazy movie weekends (we haven't talked about The Warriors or Moonrise Kingdom yet and we need to) and there will be another Bad Shakespeare/Island of Misfit Toys crossover at some point (I may or may not talk about superheroes-you won't want to miss that). And don't forget about Paris in June-it's going to be amazing.
