Saturday, January 25, 2014

My third attempt to understand the creature that lives in my house

I have sneezed about fifty times today. Every time I'm about to sneeze poor Pumpkin looks at me and leaps off the couch. My cold has interrupted her planned Saturday of napping and ignoring me. The last time I got up to make tea, she took over my spot on the couch and I feel bad moving her. She looks really comfortable. And she's super cute.

Cats are basically wild animals - this is not opinion it's science. Bradshaw's research makes sense. We haven't bred cats to do anything but be cute, eat, and sleep. Domestication hasn't made them anything more than what they already were so their behavior is basically unchanged by the humans in their life. Also, cats are jerks - cuddly, adorable jerks. This is also science. Pumpkin proves this often enough - paw in my face at 4 am or that unblinking stare that means I'm not welcome in her space (even though it's space I pay for). Look at that glare. Occasional jerk behavior aside, I hate to think about a day when this little creature won't be sleeping on a pillow (that was not purchased for her use) without a cat care in the the world or making me rethink wearing black pants.

Once a year I attempt to learn a little bit more about Pumpkin by participating in National Answer Your Cat's Questions Day. It was earlier this week and being the horrible pet mother that I am, I'm late in getting around to Pumpkin's queries. I think she's okay with my tardiness; the heater has been of particular interest this week as the polar vortex has returned.

So let's begin the 3rd Annual Island of Misfit Toys Answer Pumpkin's Questions Day!

  1.  What is behind the cabinet doors in the bathroom and why am I not allowed inside? All of the secrets of the world are behind the cabinet doors in the bathroom. If you are allowed inside and find the secrets, the world will end. Seriously. The world will end. I know it looks like cleaning products (that might be harmful if you rub your little face on them) and toilet paper, but the world will end if you get inside. Stay on your side of the doors and we'll be fine.
  2. Don't you get up at 6 am? I thought we agreed on 6 am. You are correct - I do get up at 6 am. Most days. Some days, I like to sleep in until 7 or 8. Humans call these days "weekends". I know that you are just as much a creature of habit as I am but sometimes I'm not going to get up when you want me to. You're not the boss of me...all the time.
  3. Why can't I have my pictures taken at JC Penney like that cat on the interwebs? There are two reasons: 1. you don't have a condition that makes your legs pop out of place when you walk like the cat in this story and 2. Society is unfair when it comes to how people perceive men and women and their pets. If little Winslow had not had a condition most people would have dismissed his male owner as eccentric and cut still but odd. If the owner had been a women, she would have been dismissed as a crazy cat lady who would die alone and then Winslow would eat her if she wasn't discovered right away. I don't make the rules and I have a feeling no amount of female empowerment and breaking glass ceilings will ever remove the crazy cat lady/spinster image from the world. Also, you get car sick. I doubt that would make for a fun portrait session.
  4. Have you noticed that I don't jump on the counters that much anymore? Why yes, I have noticed. I assume this is because you've switched out the kitchen counters with the bathrooms counters. I guess this is an improvement.
  5. How many Hallmark Christmas movies did you watch this year? That is none of your business. If I remember correctly, you sat on my lap or right near me throughout all of them so I'd say that you enjoyed movie night(s).
  6. Why don't you ever get mad at me when I throw up my food? It's not like you did anything wrong or broke something. Obviously, you ate your dinner too fast and you've paid for it so there's not reason to get mad at you. Cat vomit is not my favorite thing but it comes with being your pet mom. Next time, eat slower. 
  7. I thought my name was Pumpkin - why do you call me Peanut all the time? Your name is Pumpkin but sometimes I call you Peanut. People have nicknames and so can cat's and that's yours. It's not like you answer to anything I call you so I doubt it matters all that much anyway. You could just pretend like it's your secret identity and create some kind of world around that. I know that would take up valuable napping time but it's worth considering.
  8. What does this photo of me (below) remind you of? It reminds me of Gmork in the movie The Neverending Story. Gmork is the werewolf that the Nothing sends to kill Atreyu. There's this part when Gmork appears out of the darkness and you in the the shopping bag reminds me of that. If I had been walking past without knowing you were in the bag, you probably would have jumped out to try to get my feet.

  9. You do realize that was a very weird answer? I don't think it was at all. I've shown this picture to two other people and said the exact same thing and neither of them thought it was weird. One of them agreed with me.
  10. What is all that white stuff outside? I tried to bat at it through the window but it wouldn't go away. That's snow. Snow is a terrible thing that happens during the winter. It causes the people of Northern Virginia to become even worse drivers than they already are (I know that's hard to believe), schools shut down, and everyone goes to the store to prepare for the coming apocalypse. I guess snow is pretty to look at if you don't have to go out in it and you like winter but it's not my thing. You're from Hawaii so I don't think you'd like it if you were allowed outside.
  11. So I'm not allowed in the bathroom cabinets. What about the bathtub? I find your bathroom habits a little weird. I thought cats weren't supposed to like water but you seem obsessed with the bathtub and shower. If you want to hang out there by all means have at it. My only request is that you wait until I'm done in the shower before making your appearance. It's weird and wet cat on the couch is not one of my favorite things.
  12. Are we done? Isn't my naptime? Isn't it always naptime for you? By all means, nap away. Just try to nap on your pillow or the heater. The computer is off limits as is my Kindle, the tv remote, and my coat.
Thanks for joining Pumpkin and I for another Answer Your Cat's Questions Day. I can't wait to see what Pumpkin asks me next year.

Coming soon to the Island: I pretend I'm 10 and go roller skating, Lazy Movie Weekend returns with a helpful Valentine's Day edition, I finally get around to admitting that I'm doing everything wrong when it comes to waffles, and I return to my novel to see if anything I wrote actually makes sense.

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