You Gotta Have Friends

In a previous post I talked about my need for a partner in crime. One of my biggest challenges since moving here has been making friends. While I’m a social person, I’m not an initiator. I won’t approach someone without a reason (even if I do really like their purse or they’re talking about something I’m interested in). I rarely strike up conversations with strangers (something I wish I had inherited from my mother). Once we’re introduced I’m fine but I need the other person (or a third party) to make the introduction and the first move. Dating and making friends have a lot of scary similarities; I'm challenged in both. Sad.

Even with my closest friends I sometimes struggle with connection. My best friends live in four different states and we probably don’t talk or email or write enough. Most of them are married and several have children. We're all busy with work and our lives. And time zone differences don't help much. But what I love about these ladies is that even if I don’t talk to them for weeks or months, when we do talk it the time doesn’t matter. Time seems irrelevant when you’re dealing with your life-long friends. Hopefully they’re reading this and know how much I miss them and think of them.

Allison, Kim & I in NOLA

I have a lot of close friends too. None of them live in California though. When I go to Arlington for work trips, I have the best time with my friends from work (I don’t want to call them work friends anymore since we socialize without needing work as the catalyst). Allison is a perfect partner in crime: she’s up for anything and isn’t afraid to be silly in public. These are wonderful qualities to have (especially when the person is your friend). Kim and Daniella are my oldest friends from work: they also live in two different states. We talk during the day through iChat, text and Facebook. They’ve gotten me through some stressful times and I’m amazed at how they keep their humor and grace no matter what. Amy is another excellent partner in crime. She was the first person to visit me in Alameda and I had such a great time exploring my new hometown with her. Amy made me try things even if I wasn’t 100% on board. There are others too; I don’t have the space to mention everyone but know that you’re awesome.  

Amy and I at the Winchester Mystery House

I knew a few people in the area when I moved here but none of them were people I was close to previously. I see them occasionally and I think that’s fine. I’ve become friendlier with one of my co-workers in the last few months. I think she’ll probably be one of my first local friends - she's great and is an initiator (that's the kind of friend I need). I've also met some people through the theater where I volunteer. They’re fun and interesting. I feel more creative when I’m around them. So I’m making progress but still feel like there’s work to be done.

I just finished reading an amazing book, MWF Seeking BFF by Rachel Bertsche. It’s like she’s been living in my brain for the last year. Like me, Rachel experienced a friend crisis when she moved. She moved to Chicago to be with her boyfriend (now husband) and struggled with not having any close friends in the area. The book focuses on her year of friending—she goes on 52 friend dates looking for “the One.” She chronicles all of the friend dates and methods she used for meeting people (and she tries everything). She also includes research and other writing on friendship. I underlined passages and took notes in the margin like I was in school and there would be a test. Her quest has been a huge inspiration. It’s made me think about myself, my friends and how I think and feel about making friends. I also have about 10 other books to read based on her resources. Friendship is fascinating stuff.

No one seems to want to talk about making friends. Bertsche talks a lot about this too. It’s okay to discuss being single and looking for a boyfriend but talking about wanting to find friends makes people uncomfortable. I’ve had several awkward conversations with people about this subject and I usually leave the conversation feeling bad for making them feel uncomfortable (which is totally ridiculous and I know this). People think that you’re depressed or lonely which makes most people pity you or think you're some kind of freak. I’m not even really lonely (I like to do certain things by myself—being independent is something I’m proud of). I would just like to be able to have a friend or a group to call on when I want to get drinks or do something. Or I’ve had a crap day at work and I just want to vent. Or I want to shop for shoes.

Making friends as an adult is hard work. When you don’t have the community feel of campus or other predefined social situations or shared connections through your established friends you have to work for it. I haven’t been doing that and I need to. No one can make friends for me. My mom can’t set up a playdate anymore. I mean, she could, but then I’d be that girl.

One of the other things in the MWF Seeking BFF that I was really interested in is the concept of a Dunbar number. The idea is that each person has a certain number of friends with whom a they can have stable social relationships.  There are certain types (lifers, close friends, casuals and acquaintances). The common number is 150. I don't have anywhere near 150 so I have room for more friends. My quest is not about replacing friends but adding new ones.

So I’m making 2012 the year of the friend. In addition to the health benefits of making new friends (another thing I love about the book-research supports that having friends makes you healthier), I’m also looking forward to all the people that I will potentially meet or that I’ve already met and will get to know better. This also fits nicely into my goals for 2012. Maybe I’ll find a live music buddy (or two or five) and friends are excellent inspiration. I’ve already taken a major step: I joined a club through Meetup. The group is here in Alameda and the members seem a lot like me; nice, creative, interesting women who want to enjoy where they live and meet new people.

Next Friday I’m going bowling with complete strangers. Maybe I’ll make some new friends and I’ll be working on my goal of going bowling more often. I consider this a win.

I had this song running through my head while writing this post. I have no idea why this song popped into my head given all the songs about friends and friendship but this is how my brain works. Enjoy!

Rachel Bertsche’s blog: http://mwfseekingbff.com/meet-rachel/
Tripping Daisy/Saturday Morning Cartoons song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4q5oLzL94MA

Interview with Robin Dunbar:  
http://www.guardian.co.uk/technology/2010/mar/14/my-bright-idea-robin-dunbar

Won't You Be My Neighbor

I have had a lot of neighbors in my life. Most have been decent and normal but like everything else in life, I've also had some pretty awful neighbors too.  In New Orleans, I had every variety of neighbor you can imagine. My “favorites” include:

·      The drug dealer—Nothing says neighbor of the year like the police pounding on your door at all hours asking questions about this moron. I have never figured out why my landlord put up with him.

·      The guy that looked like Riki Rachtman from Headbangers Ball—I had a huge crush on this guy. He was super nice too and fun to hang out with during hurricanes.

·      The guy that looked like Iggy Pop—Iggy and Riki lived in the same building so I always think of this apartment as the Rock N Roll Apartment. Iggy lived directly above me, listened to a lot of music I love (although louder than I would have liked) and fixed the pilot light on my water heater the day I moved in. He was a little intimidating but awesome.

·      The family that lived across from the cemetery—I lived a block away from a cemetery and this family lived right across the street. They were very nice but I always wondered if the little kids (they were around 5 or 6) had nightmares.

Even before Katrina, the neighbors I had tended to look out for one another. I was the only female in the building and the guys (Riki and Iggy primarily) made sure I made it to my apartment when I got home late and kept an eye on things when I was out of town. They were good eggs and I missed them all after the storm. Only one came back to the building.

When I moved to Virginia I didn’t get to know any of my neighbors. They fell into two categories:

1.     People I said hello to on the stairs or by the mailbox or in line at the shuttle. Conversation was limited to the weather, the lateness of the shuttle and maintenance in the complex.

2.     Annoying people. This included the bird people who moved in a few months before I left and the girl I call “bail bond girl.” She had skipped multiple court dates for writing bad checks and the bail bondsmen came by once to ask everyone in the building about. All I could tell him was that she had a much older boyfriend (like grandpa older).

California has been more like Virginia. In my last apartment, I didn’t really know anyone and considered most people pretty annoying. I had a lot of noisy and messy building neighbors. (Seriously, is it hard to clean up your mess in a shared laundry room?) My next-door neighbor was nice enough (she let me use her phone when I got locked out once) but she was a TMI kind of person. The first time we met, she told me way too much about her ex-girlfriend, their financial situation and her job. I was always a little overwhelmed by her in our rare exchanges (usually when the fire alarm went off) and we didn’t become neighbor friends.

My new building is quiet. I’ve only met one person officially (my next-door neighbor). We met the day I moved in but I haven’t seen her since. I’ve said hello to lots of others, held the door and elevator for people and had an awkward conversation about my Who Dat Nation t-shirt with a guy in the laundry room. I’m sure I’ll meet more of these folks as time passes (I’ve only been in the building 2 months). Here’s my favorite thing about this neighbors so far: they leave random things on a communal table in the foyer. I wish I was better at taking pictures every time someone leaves something but I’m never prepared. I’ve benefitted from this practice—someone left an unopened box of cat litter (the brand I buy). You can bet I took that. Cat litter is pricey and Pumpkin doesn’t have a job (being cute is not a profession).

Anyway, I did manage to take pictures of three of the oddest things I’ve seen on the table since I moved in. People have left a Costco size jar of snack mix, jeans, a holiday gift bag and magazines (thank for the Lady Gaga issue of Vanity Fair). None of those things seemed particularly odd. 

The bear-he started out by the trash in the garage. I couldn't help thinking there was a reason he was there.

Who doesn't love a boyfriend pillow? I haven't seen one of these since 1995.

This was today. And the ham is gone. So someone bought the canned ham, decided they didn't like it and someone else they decided they wanted to enjoy that. I'm just going to say gross.

Maybe this will be a regular post from the Island: what weird thing is on the table today?

Random holidays

I love random holidays. You know, donut day or National Hug Day (which also happens to fall on Squirrel Appreciation Day—I  would not combine the two). For years, my dad has sent me emails about these random days (usually food related) and it always makes my day. My friend, Jessica, also loves random holidays. She keeps a little calendar of them. I love that if I’m having a bad day or just need a laugh, I can ask Jessica and she usually has a random holiday to share. It might not be that exact day but then I can at least be prepared for what’s coming up next.

Yesterday, I emailed Jessica to let her know that today, January 21, is Squirrel Appreciation Day. I found this out because I follow Pee-Wee Herman on Twitter. (I also found out about National Soup Day from him—and I had eaten soup that day!)  Jessica replied to my email that tomorrow is Answer Your Cat’s Questions Day. What? I have never heard of this but it sounds awesome. I looked it up and there are a lot of websites out there devoted to answering your cat’s questions. I thought I spend some time this weekend answering Pumpkin’s questions or at least the questions I imagine she would ask me if she could talk. And don’t act like I’m crazy; anyone with a pet secretly wishes their pet could talk so that you wouldn’t feel so stupid talking to her when you’re home alone. Admit it.

Question: Why do you insist on keeping closets and cabinets closed? I know how to open them or will wake you up trying.

Answer: Contrary to your belief, this is not actually your apartment and the items in the closets and cabinets are not yours. I would like some of my things to remain cat hair free. Also, I don’t want you to get stuck or for something to fall on you when you insist on climbing up shelves you don’t belong on.

Question: I’m sitting on your lap. My tail is swishing. Don’t you know me well enough to realize you should stop what you’re doing because I’m going to scratch you?

Answer: This seems unfair. You sat on my lap and wanted me to pet you. I’m paying attention to you and you’re purring. You shouldn’t be so mean.

Question: Where you reading/working on that?

Answer: Yes, I was. But clearly you are more important and adorable than whatever it was that I was doing so I will stop for a few minutes, pet you and then return to what I was doing. Especially if your tail starts to swish.

Question: It’s 4:30 am on a Saturday. Why aren’t you up yet? I’m hungry. Don’t you love me?

Answer: Of course I love you but I don’t get up at 4:30 am on Saturdays. Some of us don’t get to sleep 18 hours a day so we need the hours we do get. And you won’t starve I promise.

Question: Where you sitting there? The space was open and warm so I figured you were just being nice but didn’t actually want to sit there anymore.

Answer: Yes, I was sitting there and no, I wasn’t just warming the space for you. There’s plenty of couch space for us both. You should learn to share.

Question: Are those boxes in the hall for me to play in?

Answer: Not really but I’m too lazy to take them to the recycling bins so for now they’re all yours. Don’t say I never gave you anything.

Question: I’m not allowed on the refrigerator or the counters—really? What if it’s an emergency?

Answer: It’s dangerous for you to be up so high especially since you don’t seem to ever have a plan for how to get back down again (other than to cry so that I can come help you). We don’t live close enough to the dog anymore so there is no “emergency” situation that would necessitate you climbing on either the refrigerator or the counters.

Question: How many Lifetime/Hallmark movies are you planning on watching this weekend?

Answer: Are you judging me? When I stay home and watch tv, I spend more time with you. You should like that. And the answer is none: I have lots to do this weekend and a Netflix movie so I’m all set.

Question: Aren’t I adorable?

Answer: Yes you’re adorable but that doesn’t mean you can climb on top of the refrigerator or the shelves in either of the closed closets.  It does mean that I will take a large number of pictures of you and post them on Facebook. And I’ll devote a blog post to you even though it makes me sound like a crazy cat lady. That’s love my friend.

Love is a battlefield

Are you singing the song right now? I know I am. I love 80s movies (who doesn’t?).  Clearly everything I know about boys and love I learned from 80s movies and Judy Blume. It’s quite possible that this is why I’m still single. Lately I’ve been  a bit more nostalgic than normal so I thought that I take a trip down memory lane and revisit my top five 80s movie loves and the love lesson I learned from each one.

5. Ronald Miller, Can’t Buy Me Love

An unexpected choice but also an awesome one. I looooove nerdy boys (nerdy boys who also are in bands, specifically drummers, are even better) and Ronald Miller is as nerdy as they come. I dare say he’s King of the Nerds (I think he’s even called that at some point in the movie).

Ronald pays his very popular neighbor, Cindy Mancini, to pretend to be his girlfriend. This results in a super cool makeover featuring vests and hair gel for Ronald, a spot at the cool kids’ table, several moments featuring seriously awkward poetry and Ronald’s eventual shunning and redemption. My favorite part is the fight in the cafeteria at the end of the movie—fake clapping rocks. I also love the dance scene—genius. Ronald learns how to really rock that vest and that’s not a fashion skill that all men can pull off.

Love lesson learned: Be yourself and people will love you.

4. John Bender, The Breakfast Club

Every girl has to fall in love with a bad boy (or two or ten) and Bender is supposed to be that boy but let’s face it, he’s really “bad boy light.” He’s broody, gets in trouble and is slightly mysterious but not dangerous or a total jerk (as many other bad boys are). At the end of the day, Bender is just a messed up kid who needs a hug.

Bender was a safe bad boy—good for pre-teen and teen girls to get a taste of what bad boys are like without getting their hearts broken outright. After Bender, we could all move onto punk rock boys in bands and the troubled poet in our English class. The most badass thing about Bender was that he got her (Claire) and there wasn’t anything she could do about that.

Love lesson learned: You can’t change a bad boy but they are fun to have around.

3. Duckie, Pretty in Pink

The great Steff/Blane debate will probably rage on for all eternity. Frankly, I don’t care for either of them in this movie and know that Andie deserves better. I do love James Spader (particularly in Secretary) and Andrew McCarthy (in Mannequin and bobble head form in Waiting for Guffman) but I just couldn’t see Andie (or myself) with either one of them.

The real deal is Duckie. We should all be so lucky to have a Duckie (seriously, I’m rhyming?). Quirky, funny, loyal—Duckie is the guy we all know we should be with but we ignore because someone else is cooler, richer or cuter (and typically a bigger jerk). Besides being an incredibly snappy dresser and holding his own with the Dice Man, Duckie was a generally nice guy. And he had all the moves (the dance to “Try a Little Tenderness” is classic). I always get a little teary at the end when he calls Andie stunning despite the fact that she’s wearing the most awful dress ever.

Love lesson learned: You always end up with the person you least expect even though they’re the most blatantly obvious person for you. And nice guys don’t finish last. Remember: Duckie found his Duckette at the end.

2. Jake Ryan, Sixteen Candles

The perfect guy and his car—do I have to say anymore? Well, of course I do. Jake Ryan was the ideal: beautiful, thoughtful (introspective about his love life while a party rages on, yes please) and he had the perfect car. In high school, I always had a crush on older guys. Jake Ryan gave me hope that seniors could fall in love with sophomores. Did I also mention that he was super dreamy? “If You Were Here” will always be one of my favorite songs; I almost cried when I heard the cover version in Easy A.

That's my Jake Ryan t-shirt. I think I'll wear it this weekend.

The greatest scene in the movie is at the wedding. Samantha goes back into the church to get her sister’s veil and when she comes out to meet her family everyone has left. As the cars pull away, there’s Jake Ryan leaning against his car and “If You Were Here” plays. Samantha doesn’t think he’s there for her but of course he is. The movie ends with their first kiss while they sit on a glass top table right over her birthday cake. Sigh.

Love lesson learned: Older guys are the way to go and always pass notes in class. Oh, and don’t give your underwear to a geek.

1. Lloyd Dobler, Say Anything

It’s been argued that Lloyd Dobler singlehandedly ruined things for guys forever. Chuck Klosterman wrote about it in Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs; Hank Stuever wrote about it in The Washington Post. Lots of women admit that they’re looking for Lloyd. He's fun, sweet, vulnerable, unexpected and truly awesome. He plays your song outside your window to win you back. When he gives you his heart and you give him a pen, he cries. He doesn’t want a career where he has to buy, sell or process anything.

At one point in the movie, Lloyd is hanging out with his cool female friends and Corey tells him, “No. The world is full of guys. Be a man. Don’t be a guy.” And you know what? Lloyd answers her by being a man. That’s why women love Lloyd and seek him out in their relationships. We don’t want to write 65 songs about you (and play them all tonight)—we just want to hear you play that one song outside our window at the most unexpected time.

Love lesson learned: Opposites attract, there is no such thing as “the perfect guy and his car” (as much as I love Jake Ryan) and having stellar taste in music is a must for any relationship to last.

I know what I'm doing this weekend: I'm going to pop some popcorn and reconnect with my 80s movie boyfriends.