Lazy Movie Weekend: Late Night Double Feature Picture Show

Fall has finally come to the wilds of Northern Virginia, so it's time to put on my unintentional Freddy Krueger sweater, eat way too many mellowcreme pumpkins, and settle in for evenings with my favorite Halloween movies. While I do love scary movies, my favorite Halloween movies tend to fall into one of three categories: scary comedies, creature features, and creepy movies. Creepy movies usually fall into the ghost story/psychological horror category rather than including things like psycho killers or possessed dolls. Give me a House on Haunted Hill or The Others over a Saw any day of the week. Granted, I enjoy all of the classic slasher movies, but stopped watching the countless remakes and the torture porn genre that came to popularity in the early 2000s. Not my thing, but by all means, go watch people be sewn together as a human centipede or cut their legs off to get out of Jigsaw's torture chamber. You do you when it comes to scary movies.

Scary comedies are probably my favorite of the three, since I don't feel the need to sleep with the lights on or watch cartoons after watching a scary comedy. Movies like Shaun of the Dead, Haunted Honeymoon, most of what's shown on Freeform during 31 Days of Halloween (yes, it's 31 days now because they understand that Halloween is superior to Christmas), and the entire Ghostbusters franchise are all part of this category. Most of these movies aren't that scary, but every now and then, there's a little spooky element to keep the audience on their toes. I also happen to love old school creature features like the ones Universal released in the 1930s and 1940s; The Wolf Man, Frankenstein, The Bride of Frankenstein, Dracula, and the original, non-Tom Cruise version of The Mummy are some of the best horror movies ever.

When I was younger, I was fearless about horror movies in a way that I'm not today. This is how I came to watch The Exorcist in my early teens, alone in the dark paneled basement of our townhouse in Burke. I'd watch anything once, and then be terrified later. In the mid-late 1990s, stations like USA, TBS, and WGN played midnight movies and local cable access stations still did a Saturday afternoon movie. It was usually a creature movie, from the 1950s or 1960s, so I saw my fill of Attack of the Killer Tomatoes, The Creature from the Black Lagoon, and all of The Toxic Avenger movies. It's also through these shows that I was introduced to movie hosts like Morgus (in New Orleans only), Joe Bob Briggs, and the greatest of all time, Elvira, Mistress of the Dark. They'd show movies, do commentary, and make fun of the terrible special effects, overacting, and thin plot lines of every movie. They also knew their horror, so I'd get recommendations for other things to watch, some of which I like (old school Vincent Price movies) and some of which I didn't (gore fests by some of the great Italian horror directors).

It also helps that my brother is horror fan too. It's from him that I get my love of Stephen King books and (most) movies. He tormented me with Freddy Krueger when we were younger, but that's part of the job of being a big brother. He'll go see horror movies with me if my friends don't want to, and loves a good zombie movie. As much as I have him to thank for my love all creepy, I know that I have wildly different tastes from him on a lot of these movies. He's not as big into classic horror as I am, and doesn't understand my love of cheesy sci-fi movies of the 1950s. I'll forgive him for that since he's the only person I can text during episodes of American Horror Story with ridiculous questions like "Why does the antichrist have to be a creepy Vampire Lestat/Willy Wonka/Glee club member reject? Why can't he just wear a hoodie and look like a normal person?" and he'll answer me honestly.

Anyway, for my first official Halloween post of October, I thought I'd return to my love of scary-ish comedies and revisit two movies from my childhood that I will love forever and will fight anyone who thinks they're terrible. I haven't really watched either of these movies as an adult and definitely never had anything to drink while watching either, so I thought instead of doing a complete breakdown of each movie, I'd watch them with a little wine and the eyes of an adult (since apparently I am one). So, grab your wine of choice, some popcorn, and maybe some mellowcreme pumpkins and join me for The Monster Squad (1987) and Elvira, Mistress of the Dark (1988).

The Monster Squad was called a lot of things when it was released in 1987, but a great movie was not one of them. Often compared to the more successful Goonies (the mom is the same in both movies, which is funny), The Monster Squad is, at its heart, an homage to the great Universal creature features of the 1930s. The big five villains, Dracula, Wolf Man, the Mummy, the Creature from the Black Lagoon, and Frankenstein's Monster, show up in a modern suburban town to find an amulet and bring about the end of the world. They don't anticipate the Monster Squad, a group of preteen monster movie fans who figure out the plan, and try to put a stop to Dracula's nefarious plan. Released a year later, Elvira, Mistress of the Dark is the type of movie Elvira would have watched on her show. She plays a version of herself, a horror hostess who wants to open a show on Vegas (Cassandra Peterson, the actress behind Elvira, was a Vegas showgirl in her early career). A long-lost great aunt dies and leaves Elvira her house, dog, and recipe book in Falwell, MA. She drives her custom Macabre Mobile (her badass Elvira car) to claim her inheritance and discovers she's actually the descendant of a powerful witch and has to use her powers to save the world from evil great uncle who wants to become an all-powerful being and rule the world.

Basically, these are two versions of the same movie. I've never watched them back to back before, so it wasn't until I planned my double feature that I realized the similarities within the plots. Most 80s movies were about a ragtag group of people trying to save the day, so it's not surprising that these two would share a similar plot. Obviously, they achieve their grand finales in very different ways and with very different stories along the way. Neither were particularly well-received at the box office, but both are huge cult favorites. There's a documentary out about The Monster Squad called Wolfman's Got Nards (which was almost the title of this post), focusing on the fandom of the movie (I haven't seen it yet, but it's supposed to be great). Elvira is a huge draw on the horror con circuit and is genuinely one of the nicest celebrities I follow on Twitter. She even had her own spectacular at Knottsberry Farm

What I love about these movies is how ridiculous they are, but how wonderfully connected to old school horror movies they are. There's nothing hipster-y or modern about either movie and this is exactly why I watch them. I feel like a kid again when I watch them, minus the dark paneled basement. That's Halloween to me: a little scary, a little silly, and always fun.

Happy Halloween! Pleasant Nightmares (as Elvira would say)!

Lazy Movie Weekend: Sometimes the final girl sucks

Happy Halloween! As is my Halloween tradition, we begin today's post with the greatest Halloween song of all time:

If you haven't seen the 1986 gem The Worst Witch, you need to get on that stat. If anyone wants to buy the $100 copy on Amazon for me, I won't say no.

Horror movies are high on my list of wonderful things about Halloween. Yes, I'm aware that I can watch a horror movie on any day of the year, but watching horror movies on or around Halloween is better than watching them on a random Tuesday in April. The chill in the air, the sugar hangover from eating too many mellowcreme pumpkins (not a thing - you can never have too many mellowcreme pumpkins), the fact that it's sweater season, all of these things make watching horror movies so much more fun. I've written several posts over the years, detailing some of my favorites. I plan on spending this year watching two of my favorites, Halloween (the original) and Shaun of the Dead, which isn't a horror movie per se, but I like my scary/funny balance so it stays.
 
Instead of talking about what you should watch, I'd like to spend this Lazy Movie Weekend steering you away from two movies that are only scary in how much of a disappointment they both are. I grew up watching terrible movies on WGN and USA's Up All Night. I've seen the Swamp Thing movies and Troll 2 and countless other crappy horror movies where things like boom mics were visible and costumes were probably made by a group of third graders. What usually happens with these movies is that they're so terrible, they walk down the path of awful and end up being moderately amusing. Or at least an option for my very own Mystery Science Theatre 3000 episode from the comfort of my couch. I'm game to take a gamble on a straight to video release or a Netflix original because it might become one of these types of movies if it doesn't end up being very good. My friend, Emily, committed herself to a "31 Days of Halloween" movie/show challenge. She planned to watch at least one Halloween movie (horror/family/thriller) each day for the entire month. I joined her recently for dinner and a few Halloween movies. We made terrible choices.

I love a horror movie with a strong female lead. Some of the best horror movies, the original versions of Halloween, Friday the 13th, A Nightmare on Elm Street, and Texas Chainsaw Massacre all feature strong female characters and helped to create the concept of "the final girl." A final girl is the last person standing at the end of a horror movie, after the psycho killer or malevolent force has killed everyone she ever loved. It's almost always a young women, hence the name. There are a handful of final guys, but it's far less common. The 1990s and early 2000s were a great time for final girls in horror, giving us Sydney, Alice, and Julie James (Scream, Resident Evil, and I Know What You Did Last Summer respectively). There have been some great final girls in more recent movies too (Cabin in the Woods, anyone?). Final girls are badass and will fight until the bitter end of the movie. Both of the movies Emily and I selected had such great potential for final girls, but they failed miserably.

Up first, Final Girl starring Abigail Breslin and Wes Bentley. I've had this movie on my Netflix list for awhile now. The premise is promising: Wes Bentley's William trains Abigail Breslin's Veronica to be a killing machine. She then proceeds to go after a group of young men who kill blonde women for no apparent reason. It all takes place in the 1960s in the woods of a nondescript American town. The movie is terribly boring. It's not a horror movie, but it had all the elements of a great thriller, which always qualifies a movie for inclusion at Halloween. The plot was confusing; was William saying the younger men killed his family or were somehow connected to the "bad man" that did? Did we really need a mommy/incest story line for one of the dudes? Why would anyone go to the woods with a bunch of dudes they just met? What is up with the girlfriend's poofy bangs? The most satisfying part of this movie, other than the end, was watching the Frank Sinatra wannabe character get an axe to the chest. I only wish Veronica had punched him in the larynx first. Our time would have been better spent re-watching Little Miss Sunshine (for optimal Abigail Breslin) or American Horror Story: Hotel (optimal Wes Bentley).

If Final Girl failed to be interesting, the second movie, Abattoir, just failed. Again, the premise is the stuff of great horror movies: a journalist and a cop team up to figure out of why a mystery man is buying properties where tragedies take place (murders, suicides, etc.) and then removing the room where the tragedy took place. Of course, it's personal since the journalist's sister and her family are killed. Turns out the mystery man is building an abattoir (a slaughterhouse, if you are not familiar with this term or don't listen to Nick Cave), filled with death and despair. Julia and her cop buddy (the brother from Across the Universe looking like a heroin addict) have to figure out how to save her sister's soul and destroy the house. Cool premise, right? It has all the makings of a great horror movie and it was filmed in Louisiana (from what I could tell) so there are some wonderful settings that add to the creep factor.

Man, does it fail. The movie is set in the present but Julia, played by Jessica Lowndes, better known for her roles in Hallmark holiday movies, really loves the 1950s. In a better movie, this would be a quirky and endearing. Not here. It's annoying and mildly confusing. There's a weird cult plot line that feels like it should have been the focus of the movie but isn't (or maybe a separate movie). The romance between Julia and the cop is forced; I've seen more sparks in a Hallmark holiday movie (and they only kiss in the final two minutes of those movies so this is saying a lot). Dayton Callie is the mystery man and is appropriately creepy. He was great on CSI as the guy they thought was the Miniature Killer. But he can only do so much. The brightest spots were two of my favorite New Orleans actors, Bryan Batt and John "Spud" McConnell, making appearances as Julia's boss and the small town sheriff, respectively. They couldn't save this mess either.

I didn't even stay to watch the end. As I'm an old person and go to bed at 9:30 during the week, I had to drive home from Emily's house. She watched the last 20 minutes without me and reported that I missed nothing. Like the rest of the movie, it was confusing and she wasn't quite sure who all died in the end. You should know who died at the end of horror movie.

What we enjoyed most about this movie was reading the reviews on IMDB. Since the movie was so terrible, Emily and I spent a good portion of our time reading the reviews aloud. Here are some highlights:

• I am still mourning my money that I wasted on this turd of a movie at the fantasy film fest. Sitting trough this felt like a root treatment without anesthesia, wearing Spanish boots while listening to Justin Bieber. I seriously doubt that most of positive ratings are authentic. It is a really bad movie. Period.
  
• I seriously wish there was a way to give negative numbers. This movie was awful. Nothing made sense.
  
• What is this? Why are there so many positive reviews? This film doesn't feel like it needs to explain any of it's "creative" decisions to you. Oh yeah it's a 30's reporter working at a 50's newspaper driving a 50's car in a modern setting. What? That's not creative and not how you do things, I felt like this was a sequel or that I needed some kind of explanation before hand, or some visual clues, something, anything, but no this movie just expects you to just go with it. But it doesn't feel right, it feels forced and uneven and wrong. I mean can you honestly tell me that when you saw her talking to her sister that it felt right, and that that didn't bother you? I don't know what was the goal here. It's a mess.

(These are printed as they appear on IMDB; I have not corrected grammar or edited in anyway. Click the link above to read more, including some questionable positive reviews.)

I think Brian Tallerico sums it up best as "one of the most baffling and ineffective horror films of the year." I haven't figured out how any of those positive reviews even exist. It makes no sense. Julia could have been an epic final girl, but nope, she's a waste of a perfectly good vintage wardrobe.

My advice, dear Island readers? Plan your Halloween horror movie viewing carefully. Don't listen to Netflix when it recommends a movie to you based on your previous viewing of The Craft; that recommendation will lead you to Final Girl. You're better off re-watching both seasons of Stranger Things and thanking the Duffer brothers for giving us the treasure that is Chief Hopper.

Until next Halloween...

Lazy Movie Weekend: Pumpkin's Guide to Halloween Movies

I love Halloween. Fall is my favorite season so fall holidays, Halloween and Thanksgiving, are my favorite holidays. I love candy, scary movies, and creativity. It's such a fun holiday regardless of how you celebrate it. I haven't really dressed up in years but I used to take a lot of time to come up with a costume. My favorite costume I ever wore was when I went as Barbie's friend Midge in college.  Yes, I said the full name all evening long. Yes, that is my apartment in the background. Yes, we had poster for The Usual Suspects in our living room. Say Anything was in my room.

I was also a super cute witch in elementary school and/or a "questioning my life choices" witch; you can decide.

I even have a cat named Pumpkin. Contrary to popular belief (of maybe five people), Pumpkin's name was not chosen specifically for its connection to Halloween. Nope, my parents, brother, and I voted on her name and Pumpkin won in a best of three voting cycle. Cinnamon, Pōpoki (which is Hawaiian for cat), and Nutmeg were options. Naming cats should maybe not be any member of my family's day job. Since Pumpkin was so helpful during the blizzard in January and helped us all get ready for a great summer, I thought she would do a great job helping prepare a Halloween movie marathon for this weekend. There are only 10 (she sleeps 18 hours a day so we have to be picky when selecting movies). There's a mix of family friendly and not so family friendly movies; Pumpkin is allowed to watch R rated movies but only with an adult.

Grab you popcorn, mellowcreme pumpkins (far superior to candy corn), and raid the candy bowl and settle in for Pumpkin's Top 10 Halloween Movies.

1.  Hocus Pocus (1993): Pumpkin firmly believes if you don't like this movie, you can't be friends with us. It means you don't like fun and silliness and the glory that is Bette Midler in every movie. It also means you miss out on the greatest cat sidekick ever, Binx. Pumpkin questions his cat nature since he doesn't sleep 18 hours a day but appreciates his determination and love of family. She's also totally supportive of my continued crush on both Thackery Binx (pre-cat conversion) and Omri Katz (who actually captured all of our hearts on the short-lived TV show Eeerie, Indiana). Best parts: toss up between "I Put a Spell on You" and Midler, Sarah Jessica Parker, and Kathy Najimy delivering most, if not all, of their dialogue. It is a joy to watch.  
2. Carrie (1976): Periods freak people out. Don't pretend that's not true. Stephen King is a master of horror for lots of reasons but to use the start of menstruation and the meanness of teenage girls to make a young girl realize her telekinetic powers? Genius. Pumpkin has never read the book (I read it for the first time at age 13) but we've watched this movie plenty. There are lots of terrifying moments: the creepy crucifix Carrie's religious mother keeps in their in-home chapel (which is also weird and creepy for completely different reasons), Carrie walking through town after the prom, drenched in pig's blood and blowing everything up with her mind, everyone's feathered hair. But the kicker is the very end of the movie. Amy Irving, the final girl of this movie (basically), is visiting a grave and paying her respects. And then the worst thing ever happens. Pumpkin doesn't want to spoil it for you but every time we watch this, that part freaks her out so much (in addition to Creepy Jesus) that she has to watch It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown before even considering going to bed. 
3. The Exorcist (1973): This is the horror movie to end all horror movies. There have been many remakes of The Exorcist and many sequels but none can even come close to the creepiness of the original. If the music doesn't get you, then the cinematography will. The shadows and the way scenes are framed make you dread whatever is coming next. As horror movies go, it's actually a "quiet" movie, meaning an axe-wielding psychopath isn't chasing co-eds the entire time. The fear is real not just because it was inspired by real events but because the very idea of demonic possession is so out there that our brains (and cat brains) can't really process it. If you're ever in Georgetown, make sure to go visit The Exorcist steps. Pumpkin recommends not watching this one alone or with the lights out because you'll never sleep again.
4. Shaun of the Dead (2004): After watching The Exorcist, it's probably a good idea to balance out your movie marathon with something a little lighter and Shaun of the Dead is an excellent option. This is the movie that gave us Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, and Edgar Wright. It's a comedy at it's heart but as with any good zombie movie, there are some moments that will both gross you out and make you jump a little. Pegg plays our titular hero, Shaun, a lazy guy whose girlfriend is tired of having all their dates at the Winchester (a pub that will come in handy later) and who struggles to find his place in life. Then people start turning into zombies and Shaun needs to save the day. In addition to the zombie movie tropes we all know and love, Pumpkin particularly likes the fight sequence at the Winchester that is possibly the best use of a Queen song in a movie other than Wayne's World.
5. Freaks (1932): The most amazing thing about this movie is that it was considered controversial in 1932 when it was released. The movie was banned in cities around the country and people were genuinely terrified by the "freaks" presented in the film. Tod Browning, the film's director, cast actual circus and freak show performers in the film which heightened the terror. People don't like to be confronted by difference especially in the ways we see here. The film centers around a traveling circus and the freak show performers. An aerialist and the strongman scheme to steal money from one of the freaks, a midget named Hans, and then kill him. The rest of the freaks are onto the pair and spend the majority of the film trying to talk Hans out of marrying the woman and then exacting revenge on her and her lover when the time is right. It's a great early horror movie and has gone onto influence a lot of other horror movies and shows, including American Horror Story: Freak Show (season five). Watch if you like subtle horror movies and tales of revenge (which Pumpkin loves).
6. The Addams Family/Addams Family Values (1991 & 1993): Is there a more perfect movie pair than Raul Julia and Angelica Huston as Gomez and Morticia Addams? The original television series is wonderful but these two movies are perfect. Pumpkin prefers to watch both as a double feature because it's the only way to truly enjoy them. The mixture of camp, creep, and hilarity are what make these movies so delightful. I was in middle school when these movies came out so I know some of the jokes were lost on me then but aren't they wonderful now! All the wonderful characters are there; Cousin Itt steals a lot of the scenes he's in. Probably the most terrifying part of either of these movies is the fact that MC Hammer wrote a song for the first film. Enjoy the video here. 
7. Rocky Horror Picture Show (1975): Where does one even begin with this movie? Tim Curry is flawless as Dr. Frank N. Furter; his delivery of both lines and songs are a master class in how to be campy, a little scary, and sexy in a gender-bending kind of way. Barry Bostwick (PS - originated the role of Danny Zuko on Broadway in Grease) is probably why a generation of women love nerdy, nerdy dudes. Susan Sarandon is singing "Touch-a, Touch-a, Touch-a, Touch Me" is definitely an underappreciated moment of feminist abandon. The entire supporting cast is zany and creepy and bizarre. "Don't Dream, Be It" is the anthem we all need all the time. It camp and science fiction references and abandon. Pumpkin has never gone to see it in the movie theater but I can assure you it's a great experience and you should go out and see it right now. As for the recent Fox remake starring Laverne Cox and a bunch of people I don't know (except a severely underutilized Ben Vereen and a post-stroke Tim Curry), Pumpkin slept through it. Laverne Cox channeled Tina Turner and was made to wear Frank N. Furter's heels but she was the only thing exciting about the entire movie. Stick with the original.
8. The Worst Witch (1986): Way before Pumpkin entered my life, I used to wait with anticipation (do your best Frank N. Furter impression if you must) for Halloween because HBO would show The Worst Witch every day after school for the entire month of October. Now if I want to watch it, I can add DVDs to my Netflix account, pay $90 for a used copy on Amazon, or watch a pirated version on YouTube. Sigh. This is the greatest movie about a pre-teen witch that doesn't involve Hogwarts ever made. Fairuza Balk stars as Mildred Hubble, the worst witch at Miss Cackle's Academy for Witches. Her spells don't work, she turns a classmate into a pig, and at one point, makes herself invisible. She has no hope of ever meeting The Grand Wizard (Tim Curry again and the only male in the movie) or moving up in school. Despite Mildred's lack of witching skills she is able to thwart a plot involving Mrs. Garret's evil twin sister and becomes the hero of Halloween. And at some point Time Curry sings this song which as an adult seems like the weirdest song to throw into a movie set at an all girls' witch academy. Pumpkin loves this movie because during the cat ceremony at the beginning of the story, Mildred gets a tabby cat rather than a black cat like everyone else. She would have preferred to get an orange tabby but not everyone gets to bask in the wonder of a tiny, orange cat.
9. Near Dark (1987): There are a lot of vampire movies out there; some are funny, some are creepy and weird, some are supposed to be scary and probably are in a 1940 horror movie kind of way. And then there's Near Dark, Kathryn Bigelow's biker/Western vampire movie that was part of a resurgence of vampire movies in the eighties (The Lost Boys would be another one). Adrian Pasdar was the farm boy who falls in with a group of nomadic vampires including Jenny (who turns him), Severen (a psycho vampire played by Bill Paxton), Homer, the creepy kid vampire (who would go on to play the brother in Teen Witch), and Jesse, the father of them all. What's cool about it is that it's actually more of a Western than a straight up vampire movie. It's gory in the right places and beautiful in the way it's filmed. Vampire movies often drift into the ridiculous and this one never does. Pumpkin respects that; she likes her vampire a little more dirty than sparkly. 
10. Halloween (1978): The original final girl, Laurie Strode, makes her debut in John Carpenter's classic slasher film. Halloween is now a franchise but the original will always be the best one. Pumpkin always felt that the later films were too complicated by plot twists and unnecessary characters (although she did enjoy Halloween: H20). One of the creepiest elements of the movie is the score. There's not an actual score; Carpenter "composed" the music himself. It's a single piano melody played at 10/8 (or what I'm told is called complex 5/4 meter). It's chilling to listen to and helps establish the mood of the entire film. Halloween helped to establish many of the rules of slasher and horror films from the final girl to the creepy mask to the fact that teenagers should never have sex on Halloween if they want to live. It also inspired some of my own writing. Pumpkin always hides when the music plays but firmly believes all Michael Myers really needed was a kitten and he wouldn't have killed so many people. Kittens make everything better. 

Keep in mind there are lots of Halloween movies out there. Pumpkin's favorites are in no way the only ones to watch but they'll get you started. She also wants to remind you that dressing your cat up for Halloween, even if it is just a tiny witch hat, is stupid and will lead to your cat plotting new ways to torture you. Happy Halloween!

Unintentional Freddy Krueger

Fall is my absolute favorite season. The crisp air screams possibility. I love that I can start wear my favorite sweaters and scarves but that it's still warm enough for just a light jacket. Of course there's also candy corn and apples and a small amount of pumpkin flavored things (I prefer pumpkin cookies and pie - that's it). I've been looking forward to getting my crock-pot out so I can make stews and soups and what about casseroles!? It's perfect casserole weather. My favorite holidays, Halloween and Thanksgiving, are just around the corner. They always seem to get the short shrift as Christmas creeps into our lives earlier and earlier every year. I know Christmas can't help itself but we can all play our parts in keeping the madness at bay. I bought some new Halloween kitchen towels and a skull cup from Target earlier this week. The skull cup looks nice on my desk at work.

It's unfortunate that our first truly fall like weekend happens to be accompanied by the impending doom of Hurricane Joaquin. I'd like to believe that this weekend will just be a weekend of rain and heavier than normal wind rather than a full out hurricane. Regardless of which weather event actually occurs, I decided it would be best if I focused on the positive side of needing to spend the majority of my time indoors this weekend. There are only 29 days left until Halloween and we have lots of movies to watch.  And frankly, 13 Nights of Halloween just aren't enough.

Three years ago I wrote a post centered on my favorite Halloween movies. I suggested 50 whole movies to get you through until Halloween. This year I thought I'd help you create the ultimate movie marathon by suggesting groupings of these movies. I like a little bit of everything when it comes to scary movies and more family friendly seasonal fare. In addition to the list of movies let's rejoice in the return of American Horror Story and the premiere of The Evil Dead tv series on Starz (on Halloween of course).

What do you need to really enjoy a fall movie marathon? Popcorn, Twizzlers (never Red Vines - we're not animals), wine (your choice), and a pillow to hide your eyes behind if you're so inclined.

Let's begin...

Sleeping with the Lights on for the Rest of the Week - these are serious horror films that involve exorcism, creepy little girls, and a clown. Just remember I warned you.

• The Exorcist
• The Shining
• IT
• Carrie (mostly because of the creepy Jesus statue and the very end of the movie)

Funny and Mostly Family Friendly Fare - I know Raul Julia is no longer with us but what do you think it would take to get another Addams Family movie? We could pick up with Wednesday as an adult or maybe Morticia has finally been able to join the dark forces' hellish crusade.

• The Addams Family 
• Addams Family Values (although this really is more of a Thanksgiving movie)
• The Worst Witch
• Hocus Pocus
• Haunted Honeymoon
• Coraline
• ParaNorman (although this movie is a bit scarier than I expected)

Tim Burton's Brain - Some of my favorite movies are Tim Burton movies.

• Corpse Bride
• Beetlejuice
• The Nightmare Before Christmas
• Edward Scissorhands 
• Frankenweenie
• Sleepy Hollow

Old School Villains - I bought a sweater this week that unintentionally evokes the image of Freddy Krueger. It's my new favorite sweater.

• Halloween
• The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
• Nightmare of Elm Street
• Friday the 13th
• The Mummy, Dracula, Bride of Frankenstein, The Wolfman (old school Universal creature features)

Cult Classics - None of these are particularly scary (although Near Dark and Repulsion are close) but they're all awesome.

• Rocky Horror Picture Show
• Cat People 
• Freaks
• Near Dark
• Repulsion
• Evil Dead trilogy 

 Creepy Not Scary - You can also add any other movie Vincent Price was in. He was never overtly scary, just creepy and sinister.

• The People Under the Stairs
• The Haunting (1963)
• Rosemary's Baby
• Let the Right One In
• House on Haunted Hill (1959)
• The Others

I've provided six movie marathons to get you started. Add more to the comments because yes, I've left off almost every vampire movie ever made, Ghostbusters, and Child's Play. Don't get mad, give suggestions. If these weren't enough Crimson Peak opens October 16th. I'm not saying I took the day off to go see it but I did take the day off so I should probably use that time wisely and go see this movie. That's really all that makes sense. 
 

Unintentional Freddy Krueger sweater - do you think I should use this on my online dating profile with that caption?

Hurricane Joaquin

Anything can happen on Halloween

Howdy Island readers! I hope you enjoyed our crossover extravaganza. Thanks for reading and look for future crossovers coming soon - Bad Shakespeare will visit us again.

I love, love, love Halloween. It's my favorite holiday. I love Halloween decorations, themed food, costumes, and above all else, the movies. I love horror movies and family-oriented Halloween movies and cheesy Halloween movies equally. You have to have a little light to balance the dark. I like scary movies of all kinds but my favorites are ghost/haunting movies and zombie movies. I also really enjoy a good vampire movie (sorry, Twilight fans I just don't buy it) and I do like 70s and 80s slasher movies like the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre or Halloween. I can't stand the torture porn slasher movies that are popular now and I hope that they'll go away sooner rather than later.

I can remember the first time I ever saw The Exorcist, the first movie that truly terrified me. I was about 12 or 13 years old and I watched it in the basement (a finished basement with dark wood paneling), at night with the lights off, by myself. Because I'm a moron. It was one of the greatest cinematic experiences of my life and I continue to enjoy scary movies to this day because of The Exorcist. I get chills when I hear the score or see the poster. It's that scary and that good. No other exorcism themed movie will ever compare to this classic. No one should even try because they will fail.

Anyway, I really got into horror movies and books because of Stephen King. My older brother read his novels and passed them along to me. I remember reading Carrie for the first time. It's a truly terrifying novel and the Sissy Spacek film is another movie that terrified and still terrifies me. The creepy Jesus statue the mother has in the closet? The ending? I don't want to ruin it for anyone but I remember jumping out of my seat the first time I saw that last scene. Brian DePalma is a genius. And let's be honest: we all thought there was a girl in our high school that was Carrie and we thought something terrible would happen at prom. Or maybe that was just my group of friends. The other thing that impressed me about the book was how honestly and accurately Stephen King depicted teenage girls and puberty. Girls are awful and Carrie's mom knew it (even though she was off the charts crazy). I get chills just thinking about Piper Laurie saying, "They're all gonna laugh at you."

My other favorite King books are Christine, Salem's Lot, IT, and The Stand (and I like the film versions of all of them too). Let's talk a little about IT. The very notion of a villain that materializes as a clown named Pennywise is enough to make my skin crawl. I have never, ever liked clowns. I think they're creepy and unnecessary. There is nothing, absolutely nothing funny or amusing about a clown. I can't stress this enough. Stephen King hit so close to my actual fears that the book just creeped me out to the point that I had nightmares about it. But I still loved it and reread it several times.  And then the tv movie version came along. And Tim Curry starred as Pennywise. Dr. Frank-N-Furter and The Grand Wizard (two of my favorite Curry roles that are not frightening at all) was now the creepiest clown ever. Around the time this movie came out, I was also watching old black and white creature movies like The Wolf Man and Frankenstein. I think a character like Pennywise has a definite link to those creature features.

Despite the dread or the terror I feel when I watch a horror movie, there's something magical about sitting in a dark theatre (or your parents' basement or your living room) and watching that terror unfold or not knowing what's going to happen next. Goosebumps and jumping in your seat. If you're with someone, do you grab their hand when you get spooked? Or hide your eyes like my friend Jessica? Do you check under the bed before you go to sleep? Do you keep the closet light on? Or the shower curtain open? The shock, the fear - that's why we keep watching.

So because it's almost Halloween and I like you, here are my top 50 suggestions for the perfect horror/Halloween movie fest. I like to mix terrifying with hilarious so my list tries to balance that for you. Unless otherwise noted, I'm referring to the original versions of these movies. I'm not a huge fan of remakes but occasionally one comes along that I enjoy.

1. The Exorcist 
2. Carrie
3. The Worst Witch
4. Freaks (This is why I love my DVR-this is on this week while I'm at work and I already have the recording set. It's one of my favorite films of the 30s.)
5. Night of the Living Dead
6. The Omen 
7. It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown
8. Rocky Horror Picture Show
9. The Shining
10. The People Under the Stairs
11. Teen Witch
12. Near Dark (Possibly one of the most unexpected and awesome vampire movies ever.)
13. Cat People (The 1942 version is creepier but I also love the version from the 80s.)
14. Halloween
15. Hocus Pocus
16. Salem's Lot
17. The Haunting (1963)
18. Rosemary's Baby (You know who's awesome in this film? John Cassavetes.)
19. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
20. House of Wax (Any of Vincent Price's horror movies are worth a view. They're creepy but also really campy so you know they're fantastic.)
21. Suspiria
22. Let the Right One In (I'm told the English version Let Me In is also very good but I haven't seen it.)
23. The Addams Family 
24. Bride of Frankenstein
25. Psycho
26. Shaun of the Dead
27. Repulsion
28. The Others
29. Dawn of the Dead
30. Fright Night
31. The Craft 
32. Maximum Overdrive
33. IT
34. The Mummy (1932-I also really like the first one starring Brendan Fraser. Classic Universal storytelling in both.)
35. Zombieland
36. Planet Terror
37. House of Haunted Hill (1959-The remake in the late 90s was decent but this is classic Vincent Price.)
38. Nosferatu (I saw the original silent film a few years ago and it's really amazing. The shadows are the best part.)
39. Corpse Bride
40. Nightmare on Elm Street
41. Pet Sematary
42. Alien
43. Scream
44. An American Werewolf in London
45. The Nightmare Before Christmas (Honestly, I can watch this movie all year long.)
46. Evil Dead, Evil Dead II, Army of Darkness (You really can't watch one without watching the others so I've decided they count as one on the list.)
47. Misery
48. Haunted Honeymoon
49. Sleepy Hollow (You can decide if you want to watch the cartoon version or the Johnny Depp version. I like them both.)
50. Buffy the Vampire Slayer (I know most people prefer the tv show to the movie but I love the movie. Kristy Swanson is hilarious and Paul Reubens steals every scene he is in. It's worth the watch.)

I like to mix a funnier or less scary movie with a creepy one and then repeat. It's easier to convince friends who don't like scary movies that they'll be okay if they get to laugh too. Or sing or talk like a Valley girl.

Happy Halloween Island readers! I'll leave you with this: