Saturday, January 14, 2017

The Sixth Annual Answer Your Cat's Questions Day or Why I'm Still Single (probably)

There are fewer things truer than the fact that y'all love Pumpkin. I get it; she's adorable, she's equal parts cuddly and affectionate AND throws shade like she took a master class from RuPaul, and she's hilarious. As I've said before, if Pumpkin were a person she'd be Gretchen Wieners from Mean Girls.

So much cuteness. So much sass. Some days, it's overwhelming to live with such a creature. As has been the practice here on the Island for the past five years, I like to pause every January and let Pumpkin ask me whatever compelling questions she has in celebration of Answer Your Cat's Questions Day. I don't make up these holidays, I simply provide the information you need to move forward in your life and celebrate said holidays. Normally, we'd be celebrating next week but I'll be at the Women's March on Washington so I'm moving this up a week.With that, we begin this year's questions.
  1. Where is my heater? Why is it gone? I don't understand. Well, little one, we moved to a brand new apartment that was built after 1965 so we don't have an ancient heating/air conditioning system. I know you really enjoyed laying on the radiator but we don't have one anymore. What we do have is the cable box (your second favorite place for napping), two huge windows, and a brand new scratch post. The closet is also huge so have fun hiding in there when you're feeling antisocial.
  2. Why does everything smell so new? Where did our house smell go? We've only been in our new apartment for a week and it was renovated right before we moved in so it definitely smells like fresh paint, new appliances, and brand new carpet. I know you've been trying really hard to rub your little face on everything since you arrived last Saturday but it takes time to make everything I own yours again. In between napping for 18 hours, sitting on my lap, and eating, I'm sure you'll get to everything by the end of the month. Even the new stuff I had to buy because new apartment = obligatory trip to Ikea.
  3. What is that noise? Where the hell are we? Paris? When did you watch Spaceballs? Are you changing your sense of humor to align more closely with Mel Brooks? I always thought your sense of humor was more of a feline version of Daria. That sound is what humans call a fire alarm. I don't know if someone pulled the alarm or if it went off for a real reason, but sometimes fire alarms go off and our job is to bundle up, get you in the carrier, and evacuate. Hopefully, it's warmer than 20 degrees and the fire department shows up promptly. 
  4. So I "understand" that we moved so I'll move on to more pressing matters. Did you keep my box? I really liked that box. Which box would that be? I feel like you were attached to multiple boxes during the move. Was that the one you sat in on occasion or the one where you sort of looked like either Gmork from The Neverending Story or like a boss telling an employee some bad news? Also, when did you learn about air quotes? I don't remember teaching you about air quotes. Side eye, yes. Air quotes, no. I know you love boxes but we really can't have them around forever. Most have been recycled and the rest are waiting on our little balcony to be recycled when I feel less lazy and like I want to carry more boxes downstairs. Or we get our fancy concierge trash service recycling box. Yes, that's a thing.
  5. Current events question: Now that Joe Biden is no longer the Vice President, do you think he'll be friends with us? He's my favorite. That is a really great question! He is a national treasure and we need to do everything we can to become friends with him. I don't know that our favorite VP will be in DC much once he leaves office. I have it on good authority that he'll be setting up shop at the University of Pennsylvania doing good things and carrying on his work in cancer research and generally being awesome. Lucky for us, we have an in at Penn so we might just get a picture of him from time to time. If you need a Joe Biden fix, we can re-watch the surprise Medal of Freedom ceremony from earlier this week. We're not crying, not crying at all. 
  6. You realize when I said "us" in the above question, I really meant me? You fully embrace your status as an old lady cat by being just a little mean every day don't you? Here's the thing: You're a cat. It'll be much easier for me to meet Joe Biden than you. You should be nice to me and I'll consider putting in a good word for you.
  7. When are the flannel sheets coming back? You learned about flannel sheets last year during the blizzard. I agree we need to bust them back out this week as it's supposed to be cold again. You've been doing a pretty good job of worming your way under the covers at night so I think you'll be just fine until I do laundry and put the flannel sheets back on the bed.
  8. You bought me a mountain! This isn't so much a question as a statement on you finally realizing that I'm queen of all I see. You like the new scratch post! I admit I was holding out for one with a hammock on top but I couldn't find one of those that would fit in our new apartment without taking all of the space. This new one is pretty good; you do look like you're on a mountain when you sit on top of it. Let's make sure to remember how much you love your mountain when you need to scratch something; I really like our carpet and don't want to replace or repair it anytime soon.
  9. I'm sorry for having an "accident" in the kitchen the other day. Can you forgive me? Wait, are you apologizing for doing something you shouldn't have done? Someone mark this day down in the history books. All jokes aside, moving is stressful and you were simply telling me that you were upset since you can't talk and apparently like me enough not to use me as a scratching post. These things happen; it's why we invest in paper towels and cleaning products. Hopefully, you're feeling less stressed now and can start to enjoy our new place and find some new napping spots. I promise the rest of the boxes will be gone by the end of the weekend. 
  10. Last question: Why can't I go in that other room? Are you keeping secrets in there? Yes, I'm keeping secrets in the laundry room. That's where every human keeps secrets. We store them between the dryer sheets and the stain remover. That's exactly how secrets work. 
If you have more questions that you think Pumpkin would like to know the answers to, post them in the comments and I'll answer them as best as I can. Enjoy some additional photos of Pumpkin in her new home.

Next weekend on the Island: I'm participating in the Women's March on Washington so next week's post will be available on Sunday. I'll recap the march and talk about #WhyIMarch.

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