Lazy Movie Weekend: What Happens in Vegas...

I'm not a Las Vegas person. I've been to Vegas three times, and can safely say it's not my jam. I'm not into gambling, buffets, or overpriced shows. If I want to pay a lot of money to see a musical, I'll go to New York. My favorite Vegas memory would be from my third trip, a work trip. I got in later than planned, so by the time I got to the car rental counter, only two cars were left. Who knew in a 24/7 town like Las Vegas, Enterprise would run out of cars? Anyway, I was first in line with a reservation and priority status in front of two guys who also had a reservation, but not priority status. The rental agent gave me the option of a white minivan or a Toyota Corolla. I, being the really amazing human I am, took the minivan. I hope those guys had a great time and participated in the types of shenanigans that people who drive Toyota Corollas get involved in. I don't know what those shenanigans are, but I'm sure they're super fun. Viva Las Vegas...or something.

While Vegas isn't my vacation jam, I do enjoy watching movies and tv shows set in Vegas. I have been known to spend the better part of day watching reruns of the original CSI. I may or may not have recorded an episode yesterday because it was a Lady Heather episode. She was one of the best featured characters in that show's history. Las Vegas on camera, even on a show like CSI, always looks so full of possibilities. It's shiny and glamorous, despite the fact that people die in very weird ways according to CSI. Anything can happen in Las Vegas, and a very attractive CSI team will be on the case should the thing that happens be terrible and lead to a homicide.

My four favorite Vegas movies are Viva Las Vegas, Casino, Ocean's Eleven (2001), and Ocean's Thirteen. Of these movies, I'll watch the two Ocean's movies anytime they're on. They're part of a small group of movies that I'm incapable of not watching, even if edited for television. Also included in this group are You've Got Mail, Legally Blonde, and Funny Girl. There's a certain comfort in watching these movies, but also now that I've seen them dozens (maybe hundreds) of times, I can do other things while watching. I know what's going to happen, so if I walk away for few minutes, it's okay.

The Steven Soderbergh version of Ocean's Eleven is a remake in that it's a heist movie set in Las Vegas and the leader of the gang is a guy named Danny Ocean. The 1960 version starred Frank Sinatra, Sammy Davis, Jr., Dean Martin, Peter Lawton, and the rest of the Rat Pack. To say that it's self-indulgent film would be too nice. The Rat Pack were playing shows in Vegas at night so they decided to make a movie. It's kind of boring; even Julia Roberts has been quoted as saying she fell asleep trying to watch the original. If you really feel the need to watch the original, I might recommend watching the HBO movie The Rat Pack instead. Don Cheadle plays Sammy Davis, Jr., so there's that. The movie is mentioned at some point, and William Peterson plays JFK. His handsomeness far outweighs watching Sinatra and company gallivant around Vegas.

Anyway, there are actually four Ocean's movies in the current series: Eleven, Twelve, Thirteen, and Eight. I've made the joke several times that the only way these movies could get better is with a musical version called Ocean's Five, Six, Seven, Eight. I'm still waiting for this to happen.

Part of the allure of Ocean's Eleven is how freaking cool it is. Danny Ocean walks out of prison in a tux. Rusty is teaching poker to teen idols, which is one of the funniest parts of the movie. Carl Reiner and Elliot Gould are part of the crew. Don Cheadle's accent is questionable, but still charming. Tess curates a museum in a casino, which is weird and cool at the same time. They're all super fashionable and handsome. It's a pretty movie to watch. Even Andy Garcia as the bad buy isn't all that bad. I like to imagine Terry Benedict is really just his character from the disastrous Godfather Part III in a different timeline. Just when you think they're going to get caught or the plan is going to fail, you realize it was all part of the plan from the start. Danny knows things. They all work together in a way that is both enviable and dazzling. It just works, and you believe every bit of it. Everything is for sale, and Danny and his crew use that to their advantage time and time again. Despite the fact that they're doing illegal things, I never want Danny and company to get caught. I want them to steal the money from Terry Benedict. Damn the man, save Vegas!

Ocean's Twelve is a garbage movie, so you have my permission to skip it entirely. The magic of Eleven and Thirteen have to do with Vegas. The location makes both movies seem plausible, because you expect ridiculous over the top scams to happen in Vegas. Taking the action to Europe and including Tess as part of the scam just doesn't work. It's boring, and Catherine Zeta-Jones is terrible. The only good thing about Ocean's Twelve is that Eddie Izzard is in the movie. That's it.

Ocean's Thirteen brings us back to where we belong - Vegas. Reuben, played perfectly by Elliot Gould in all four movies, has been wronged by casino owner Willy Bank (Al Pacino). The crew comes back together to pull off one more caper and ruin Bank in the process. The plot of this movie is more implausible than Eleven, but that makes it even more worth watching. The layers of the scam are truly amazing. I can't help but love every minute of this movie, from the ridiculous disguises to the revolution at a dice making plant to Linus's (Matt Damon) fake nose. Again, every time you think they're going to be caught, they make it through and the payoff is amazing. David Paymer is my favorite part of this whole movie; he has a truly Vegas ending. If you haven't seen any of these movies, watch them in order (skipping Twelve). You have to see them in order.

I saw Ocean's Eight with my parents as part of my birthday celebrations last year. I love this movie. It doesn't take place in Vegas, but still works completely. New York is another place that I don't love as much as everyone thinks I should. I love movies set in New York for almost exact same reason I love movies set in Las Vegas; it appears to be a magical place full of dreams and awesomeness. In Ocean's Eight, we meet Debbie Ocean, Danny's younger sister. She walks out of prison in an evening dress, so you know they're related. Debbie gets her gang together, an all female crew, to steal famous jewelry during the Met Gala. If the awesome cast wasn't enough (Cate Blanchett, Mindy Kaling, Helena Bonham Carter, Sarah Paulson, to name a few), the fashion is amazing. We're also treated to the genius that is Awkwafina. I want her to be in every movie. I like my heist movies with a healthy side of revenge, and we get that here in full effect. We also get Cate Blanchett doing her best Bowie, Reuben makes an appearance, and the ladies win in the end.

There's probably some deep psychological reason for why humans watch the same set of movies or tv shows over and over again. All I know is that I like fun things and three of the Oceans movies are super fun. It's nice to see super glamorous people do illegal things and get away with it. I feel no shame in wanting them to win.

If you don't have anything better to do this week, might I suggest my Vegas Movie Marathon? It's best watched while enjoying a cocktail and wearing your fanciest pajamas.

Erin's Vegas Movie Marathon 

1. Ocean's Eleven
2. Viva Las Vegas
3. Ocean's Thirteen
4. Casino 
5. The Rat Pack (this might be available on Netflix)
6. Vegas Vacation
7. Swingers (only a small part of the movie takes place in Vegas, but I group it here anyway)
8. Bonus movie: Ocean's Eight

Next week: We wrap up May with a look at what I did this month in my 40th year on Earth. Coming in June, we'll discuss actually turning 40, wearing a dress with rainbows, and celebrating one year with Keely!

Sharknado Time Machine

Not too long ago, I wrote about the anticipation I always feel when attending a concert. When I'm really into a band and have been looking forward to the show, my expectations around what is going to take place go into hyper-drive. I have a list of songs I want to hear. I want the band to fun and not too aloof, but aloof enough if that's their thing. I don't know if other people feel this way when they go to shows. Maybe it's just me.

I feel this way about specific types of movies as well. Movies that fall into this category include: MCU movies, anything based on a musical, movies based on books I love, Quentin Tarantino movies, any movie involving a combination of Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, and Edgar Wright, and Star Wars universe movies. Of course, I also love really terrible things so I have to add one major movie type to this list:

SyFy's Sharknado franchise.

 

No one is ever going to say that any of the Sharknado movies are great pieces of cinematic art. They weren't created to be such things. If I wanted high art and sharks, well, I don't know that there is a movie that's both. SyFy movies are supposed to be fun and ridiculous, low on the budget, high on the suspension of disbelief. They're the equivalent of Hallmark Christmas movies for sci-fi/horror set. When the first Sharknado movie premiered way back in 2013,I thought it was hilarious. It reminded me of all those terrible movies I'd stay up late watching when I was a teenager. Like Troll 2 before it, the first Sharknado was campy, totally unbelievable, and the perfect summer movie. Who knew it would become a huge pop culture phenomenon and every celebrity would want to make an appearance in future movies? Who could have predicted that the creators and cast would stick around for six whole movies? But it did and they did.

The summer release of a Sharknado movie became an event. People live Tweeted the movies and created drinking games and themed parties. There's even a book called How to Survive a Sharknado. I know this because my brother bought it for me. On a few occasions, I had a long distance viewing party with my friend, Jessica. I got into the spectacle of the spectacle. A new Sharknado movie was something I looked forward to, even going as far as to put it on my calendar. SyFy had me hooked.

The first three movies were good in the way these types of movies are good. I spent the first movie counting how many ways sharks were killed during the movie and lamenting, but predicting the death of John Heard. The second movie featured both of the Julie Browns (from MTV) as well as everyone who ever worked at NBC/Universal (I assume it's a job requirement to make an appearance). The third one took place partially in DC and Nova returned. My favorite thing about the fourth movie was that I got to make a joke about kickstarting Vince Neil's heart and the Sharknado Twitter-verse thought it was funny (because the Sharknado Twitter-verse is a thing). The fifth movie gave us something none of knew we needed: the Sharknado Sisterhood. I would watch an entire movie about the sisterhood if that was a thing.

Anyway, I didn't even realize the sixth movie was happening. Yes, the fifth one left us with a cliffhanger involving time travel and the youngest son and other stuff I don't really remember. That means very little in the life span of a SyFy movie or really anything that people love. Just because there should be a sequel or another season of something, doesn't mean we get it (I'm looking at you, Joss Whedon). A few weeks ago, it dawned on me that I hadn't heard anything about a sixth movie. I checked Google and found out it was a thing and marked down the date on my calendar.

I have no idea what I watched last night.

I DVR-ed the movie when it originally aired and finally got around to watching it last night. Twenty-two minutes into the movie, I still wasn't really sure what was going on. It was originally about defeating the first sharknado and there were dinosaurs and people who died in the last movie were alive again. April, my least favorite character, learned how to fly a pterodactyl. There was a capacitor, like in Back to the Future. But then they were time traveling, sort of following youngest son Gil, who had come from the future to save the family in the fifth one. He was searching for them, but apparently you can only go back in time once. Eventually, there was an army of evil April robots and we made it back to the original shady deal boat from the very first movie. And then the sharknados stopped and the Shepard family was whole again and Nova was going back to college and John Heard never died...because the sharknados never happened.

Or something.

The Last Sharknado jumped the shark. I would argue that the Sharknado jumped the shark three movies ago, but hey, I'm not a studio executive who makes decisions about what does and doesn't get made. Am I sad I watched the sixth one? Absolutely not. There are three reasons for this:

1. Neil deGrasse Tyson
2. Alaska Thunderfuck
3. Christopher Knight

I expected none of these people to appear in a Sharknado movie, but here they are in the same one. Neil deGrasse Tyson and Alaska even appear in the same section of the movie, which is probably something neither one of them ever thought would happen. Who would cast an astrophysicist and a drag queen as Merlin and Morgana respectively? The Sharknado people, that's who. This specific sequence was the reason I enjoyed the first movie so much. It was over the top, including Merlin declaring, "Who needs science when you have a dragon?" and Fin pulling Excalibur from the stone, except that the sword's blade was in the shape of a chainsaw. Alaska/Morgana disappears with a trademark Alaska "Byeee" that was everything it needed to be and more.

Christopher Knight, better known as Peter Brady (the best Brady brother), was oddly endearing as Nova's grandpa. It's his death, at the jaws of sharks, when Nova is a little girl that leads her to her destiny as a sharknado fighter. This section also gets into a story line that comes up frequently in these movies: Fin being the worst. He and Nova argue about whether she should save her grandpa's life, with Fin being the worst and telling her she can't. Of course, things don't go as planned, and we end up with an army of evil robot Aprils. Christopher Knight as grandpa was the most genuine example of family goodness in the movie. It was another unexpected moment.

The sixth Sharknado was a lot like going to see a band I really like and all they played were crappy songs from their terrible new album; not quite what I wanted but not completely unenjoyable. I've done my job and watched all six movies so you didn't have to.

More importantly, if I don't want to enter a room with the confidence of a mediocre white man, I can enter a room with this thought instead:

Sharknado motivational poster
Frye meme
Merlin

Lazy Movie Weekend: Comfort Movies

I never thought that I'd feel the way I feel about January about the month of June. June is my birth month, peonies are in bloom, and a hint of summer is in the air. If we lived in a normal world, June would be the absolute best. But seriously, it seems like June is going on forever. Every day some other terrible thing happens and just when you think people can't get worse, they do. It's overwhelming and depressing. I try not to get caught in the dumpster fire that is Twitter, but I follow a lot of political figures, activists, and regular humans who comment and I can't look away. It's not healthy; I know, but I can't help myself.

It's in times like these that I find myself turning to my old standby to make myself feel better: I watch funny movies and shows that make me feel better. I like to call these movies "comfort movies." A comfort movie (or show) is like mac and cheese or warm brownies; they make you feel loved and cared for no how you really feel.

I encourage you to enjoy some mac and cheese or brownies while watching my Comfort Movie Marathon. You'll thank me for this later.

1. To Wong Foo,Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar (1995) Admittedly, I could write an entire post about this movie, but I feel strongly that it should be included here first. This movie has everything: drag queens, Robin Williams, small towns, strawberries, Chris Penn at his Chris Penniest, RuPaul. In 1995, a movie starring Patrick Swayze, Wesley Snipes, and John Leguizamo as drag queens seemed revolutionary and odd, but in a great way. I will watch this movie anytime it's on and laugh as much as I did the first time. Swayze and Snipes play Vida and Noxxema, two queens on their way to a national drag competition in Los Angeles. They take Leguizamo's Chi-Chi, a less experienced queen, under their wings. On the drive to L.A., they come up with the four rules to becoming a drag queen, look flawless even with the top down, and change the lives of an entire town. There are some wonderful moments and also some problematic things (particularly the racist language toward Chi-Chi and the gay man savior plot line), but all in all, it's a fun movie. Blink and you'll miss Lady Bunny. 
2. Waitress (2007) I saw the musical version of this charming movie back in May and have been thinking about the movie ever since. If you haven't seen Adrienne Shelly's quirky comedy, stop what you're doing right now and watch it. Shelly was an indie movie staple in the late 90s and early 2000s; Waitress was her final film (she was murdered during the film's production) and she wrote the script while pregnant with her daughter, Sophie. The film centers on Jenna, a small town waitress and baker with a terrible husband, who finds out she's pregnant. She spends much of the movie making up pies and writing letters to her unborn baby. She's less than thrilled about becoming a mom. Even if you've never had a baby or a bad husband, there's something so relatable about Jenna and her situation. Shelly plays Dawn, another waitress, who almost steals the movie from Keri Russell (post-Felicity). Andy Griffith plays Old Joe and Nathan Fillion is Jenna's doctor. 
3. Under the Tuscan Sun (2003) Diane Lane stars as Frances Mayes in the movie adaptation of Mayes' memoir. After a horrible divorce, Frances goes to Italy at the encouragement of her best friend (the wonderful Sandra Oh) and ends up buying a villa in Tuscany. You know, as one does. She sets about renovating the villa with the help of a rag tag group of Polish workers, learns about olives from her neighbor, helps two star-crossed lovers find happiness, buys a white dress, and creates a family for herself in Tuscany. One of my favorite characters is Katherine, an aging actress who evokes the elegance and beauty of 1960s Italian cinema and inspires Frances to live her life. I'm not usually a fan of the whole "woman makes over her life in another country" genre (I'm looking at you Eat, Pray, Love), but I can't help loving this movie.
4. Shaun of the Dead (2004) The first of the Three Flavours Cornetto Trilogy movies, Shaun of the Dead is one of my favorite zombie comedies. It has the creepiness and gore of a traditional zombie movie, paired with the humor of every British comedy I love. This is the movie that gave the world Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, and Edgar Wright. Pegg plays Shaun, a lovable loser, who has to save his sort of ex-girlfriend, his mum, and his friends when a zombie plague hits London. One of my favorite parts of the movie is the fight sequence set to Queen's "Don't Stop Me Now." It's genius. The whole Cornetto Trilogy is worth watching over and over, but Shaun of the Dead will always be my favorite. 
5. GLOW (2017) Season two of the Netflix series just dropped this week, so I haven't had a chance to watch it yet. I loved the first season and the documentary about the actual Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling show. It's funny, empowering, and has just enough nostalgia. Come for Alison Brie, stay for Marc Maron. My plan is to binge watch season two this week. The neon is calling.
6. Thor: Ragnorak (2017) I'm a big Thor fan. The Thor movies are my favorite standalone Marvel Universe movies. The first movie of the three is the best one, even if Natalie Portman is the worst. Dark World isn't as terrible as everyone makes it out to be; the Viking funeral is one of the most beautiful scenes and scores in all of the Marvel movies combined. Anyway, Thor: Ragnorak is like living in a 1980s arcade game; it's bright and loud and super fun. The movie was directed by Taika Waititi, the genius behind What They Do in the Shadows. In addition to Thor and Loki, we get a Valkyrie, a bizarre Jeff Goldblum, and the return of the Hulk. Oh, and Hela arrives and destroys everything, as she does. This movie is a set up for Avengers: Infinity War, but what movie in the MCU isn't these days?
7. Queer Eye (2017) If you didn't watch the original Bravo show back in the day, get yourself over to Netflix and watch the new series (seasons one and two are available now). The premise is the same: five gay men spend a week helping a nominated man (in all but one case) turn his life around. This includes a makeover, life coaching, and home renovation. I liked the original show, but love the reboot. There's an emotional element to the new series that didn't exist as strongly in the first series. This show is doing more to help combat toxic masculinity than I ever imagine it could do. The men the Fab Five help show emotions and open up in a way that's powerful and uplifting. There are moments that are stressful, like in season one when the group is pulled over and it doesn't seemed planned and moments that are hilarious (basically anything involving Jonathan). It's a power show on many levels; one of my favorite episodes focuses on a transgender male, who underwent top surgery six weeks before the Fab Five appear. It's an unexpected episode on many levels. Make sure you have Kleenex handy when you watch the show. 
8. Best Worst Movie (2009) Summer is the time to watch a documentary, right? Best Worst Movie is a documentary about the making of the cult movie Troll 2. Troll 2, like most cult movies, is terrible. The plot centers around a family who moves to the country and becomes the target of vegetarian goblins who want to turn them into plants so the goblins can eat them. I saw Troll 2 when I was 11 or 12 and thought it was hilarious, but terrible. The documentary is directed by Michael Stephenson, who starred in the movie as Joshua, the youngest son and hero of the movie. Despite its cult following, Stephenson was embarrassed by the movie, but came to love it after discovering the rabid fan following the movie has. You don't have to watch Troll 2 in order to watch Best Worst Movie, but I would highly recommend watching them together.
9. Brooklyn (2015) I'm going to admit that I have not read the book this movie is based on, although I do own it. It's currently sitting in one of my stacks of books to read around my apartment. I love the fashion of this movie (it's set in the 1950s) and it's beautifully filmed. Eillis comes to America from Ireland to work in a department store and find a new life. She meets a young man and falls in love. Brooklyn is comfort and love and possibility.
10. Girls Trip (2017) I love this movie so much. I missed it in the theatre when it originally came out, and regret that immensely. It's hilarious and raunchy and fabulous. It's everything wonderful and painful about female friendship. And it takes place in New Orleans! Tiffany Haddish is life in this movie; I don't know how they made it through filming some of her scenes without laughing the whole time. Four college friends reunite during Essence Festival under the guise of a girls trip. Of course, they're all going through things in life and need one another to make it through. Queen Latifah, Jada Pickett-Smith, and Regina Hall round out the group and they are amazing. If you want to laugh out loud a lot, this is the movie for you.

We all need to take a break from the news and being part of the resistance every now and then. Comfort movies (and shows) will always be there for you. Embrace the comfort movies!

Coming soon to the Island: more from the front line of being a good citizen, I attempt to get back into writing at work, and the old lady concert rules come out in full effect. Summer is the greatest!

The Sisterhood of the Traveling Sharknados

I'm not entirely sure what I just watched. It might have been an Indiana Jones homage. It might have been a classic sci-fi creature. It's possible it's a weird rom-com. Or maybe a long-form advertisement for extreme sports. It's very possible it's a religious movie that also involves time travel. A lot of things happened in the space of this movie and we've been set up for more. But I still have no idea what I just finished watching. I was treated to a nice little interview featuring the creator and director of the Sharknado films, Anthony C. Ferrante, last Friday and on top of proving he is the nicest human being in the film industry, he basically confirmed that we will be watching Sharknado movies for the rest of our lives.

I'm torn on this. On one hand, I love the Sharknado movies. They're ridiculous, campy, completely unbelievable, and a wonderful testament to the power of social media to drive fandoms. The cast and crew seem dedicated to making these movies and from what Ferrante says in the interview, they commit to the most ridiculous ideas because they're enjoying being part of this franchise. Many of them, most notably Ian Ziering and Tara Reid, have salvaged their careers with these films. On the other hand, I don't actually believe we need any more of these movies. Five was way too many despite the fact that there are some delightful things in the fifth one (we'll get to these shortly). I'll continue to grapple with my love/hate/love/hate relationship with these movies and provide the service I always promise you: I watch these movies so you don't have to BUT you can feel like you did.

Let's dive into Sharknado 5: Global Swarming (pun intended).

1. There are an incredible amount of movie references in this one. I can only assume Ferrante was watching Stranger Things between movies and was like, "I'm going to do my homage to everything ever because I can! With sharks!" We've got, and these are just the ones I caught, Indiana Jones, a Godzilla reference, Back to the Future, James Bond references, an Infinity Stones/Marvel inspired plotline, the Brendan Fraser Mummy movies, and possibly a veiled Terminator reference although I may just be projecting that one.
2. Remember nothing good ever comes of repelling into cave or spelunking. Nothing.
3. Nova! She's actually back this time (seriously she was what was missing from the entire second and fourth movies). Nova belongs to the single greatest creation of the sharknado universe (yes, I just typed that sentence): the Sharknado Sisterhood. Seriously, why are we only now learning that they exist? More on the sisterhood shortly. "Please tell me you've started a band not a cult." Funniest thing Ian Ziering has ever said in his entire career.
4. I don't think they know how NATO or British people work. No one says "chap" that much.
5. Of course the sharknados are from the past and there are basically Infinity Stones at certain places around the world (Stonehenge, the pyramids) to keep it all in check. Of course this is why these things happen. It's not the Shepard family despite the fact that they are always in the middle of it. I know I said before that I don't blame them but now I'm not so sure.
6. Don't touch anything you find in a cave under Stonehenge, especially if it's surrounded by sharks. Haven't you ever watched a movie in your life?
7. "Don't aggravate the sharks." Say it in a delightful British accent for the full affect.
8. Took 15 full minutes for a "London Bridge is falling down" joke.
9. Normally the cameos make me laugh but we have to talk about Bret Michaels (which may also be the title of my first memoir for no apparent reason but that it's a great title). What is this even about? Why is he in London? Why is he randomly walking down the street? Why does he randomly have a guitar and starts playing once attached to the bus? Does he die? I missed it if he did. Why is Bret Michaels here? Vince Neil made sense in the one he was in; he was in Las Vegas which is basically the only place Vince Neil can feel like a normal human. There is literally no reason for Bret Michaels to be in London.
10. I still really dislike April and spent most of this movie cringing every time she speaks...which is often. Oh and she flies. Remember, she's a cyborg now.
11. So Gil, the youngest Shepard child, gets sucked into the sharknado, Fin rides a shark into Buckingham Palace so he can stop it from killing the Queen, and Charo is the Queen of England. All of this happened before the opening title sequence.  
12. Slow motion running = tragedy has occurred.
13. "We should have never gone into that cave." Understatement of the year.
14. Y'all, Nichelle Nicols is in this movie. Uhura is in this movie. But so is the Dance Moms woman, Chris Kattan, and Geraldo Rivera so maybe her appearance is negated by Geraldo. I don't know if there's some form of cameo math at work here. For everyone that's cool and amusing, there are six that are stupid.
15. And suddenly we're in Switzerland because now the sharknado is actually a transporter and people who are sucked into it just end up in another country. Maybe the sharknado isn't all that bad if you don't have to deal with the airlines anymore.
16. Meanwhile back in Kansas (literally), the other Shepard son is preparing a bunker of sorts with a weird old guy and foreshadowing his ultimate demise. The Shepard kids get the short end of every stick in these movies.
17. How does this movie even work? They're in Australia now and there are sharks in the water (where they belong) and April is injured even though they all jump in punching sharks in the face. I really thought she would die at this point and then Fin and Nova would end up together as the Goddess of Inappropriately Aged Co-Stars intended. 
18. Wait, is this movie actually about women running the world? Is Beyonce going to burst in and save the world by dropping a new album, having triplets, and having flawless hair all at the same time? The Sharknado Sisterhood is the part of this movie that I was expecting the least but love the most. It's like every 90s movie involving a woman in a cat suit met up with Wonder Woman and the Women's March and this is what we got. Olivia Newton-John is here making both Grease and Xanadu references and making April over in a way that would make Sandy proud but makes me rage-ful. She also says, "Don't get too physical."
19. Tony Hawk! My favorite cameo of this film because obviously skateboarding will save the world.
20. "The Paxton Initiative" - is that a reference to Bill Paxton? I really hope it is.
21. So now we're in Brazil and we've learned that the stone they took is one of several (See? Infinity Stones.) that allows a person to control the sharknados. And of  course a shady dude (played by Greg Louganis) steals it so we get a car chase through sharknados via Italy.
22. Which leads us to Downtown Julie Brown and Pope Fabio. Apparently, Downtown Julie Brown is an emissary of the Pope. Nothing makes sense anymore.
23. The sharks have gone nuclear and are heading to Japan because of course they are.
24. "Clear your mind of all thoughts." Shouldn't be hard with this movie.
25. They've created a Sharkzilla! I repeat, they've created a Sharkzilla!
26. There's the Xfinity plug I was waiting for. It took almost the entire movie for it to appear. Crazy.
27. Followed closely by our required "Today Show" appearance. Thank goodness for Kathie Lee, Hoda, and Al. I enjoy every instance of Al beating sharks to death with a baseball bat.
28. The Sisterhood arrives in Japan dressed for battle like they're going to either a stripper convention or a very dark bachelorette party. Nova jumps into the Sharkzilla/sharknado to save Gil (yes, we're still trying to save him although I've made no reference too him because too much is going on). And then Nova dies. Yes, of all the people to die, Nova dies. Fucking Shepard family ruins everything.
29. The only thing missing from this movie is Gilbert Gottfried. Oh wait, there he is, introducing us to "safarinados." If he had only screamed "Damned, dirty sharks" this movie would be complete for me. 
30. So they try to go back to Stonehenge to right the wrong of removing the stone but end up in Egypt at another temple to sharks (sure) located in a pyramid. Have we not learned anything, remaining members of the Shepard family? Don't touch anything. Don't go in the secret tomb you opened when you touched stuff. And don't turn on the ancient machine that you think might stop the sharknados. You'll just mess it up like you mess up everything else. 
31. And then...April dies. She sacrifices herself to save the world. Or something. Her somewhat grief-stricken husband picks up her cyborg head, ties it into a hobo pack, and starts his journey to find any survivors. 
32. Just when you thought we were at the end of these movies, Dolph Lundgren appears in a time machine/truck claiming to be future Gil Shepard. He's come back to save the world and bring everyone back from the dead (because all of the Shepards except Fin are dead). So they're going back in time because now we're in Back to the Future (they even used the same font). "Where we're going, you don't need a license." What I don't "understand" about this part is this: if he's gone back to the past and to the future to stop the sharknados, is Gil going to write himself out of history? Because if the first sharknado doesn't occur, his parents never get back together and he doesn't exist. Is that what the next movie is going to be about? 

There are about fifteen things I excluded from this list because as I was writing it I was thinking to myself, "this might be why I'm still single." I love suspending disbelief, particularly for campy, ridiculous sci-fi movies but at some point, the logical side of my life takes over and I'm back to where I was at the beginning of this post...I have literally no idea what I just watched.

Like all good things, it may be time for this one to come to an end.

Although, if Anthony C. Ferrante wants to make spinoff series of movies about the Sharknado Sisterhood, I'd be on board with that. I'd even send some suggestions to you about how to be better when it comes to creating strong female action heroes. I'm helpful that way.

Coming soon: I try StichFix and let some stranger on the internet select clothes for me. Let's see what she comes up with my first "fix." I'll also share my distrust of Pinterest and how to wear dinosaur themed clothes at work. We also need to tackle the glory that is GLOW (series and documentary) and tackle my fourth attempt at getting my meal planning act together. This time, it features chia seeds. All coming your way this August on the Island!!

Lazy Movie Weekend: My brain is a genius

Normally when I sit down for a Lazy Movie Weekend, I watch a movie I've seen so many times I could quote the entire movie to you without having to watch it. I love every movie that I cover in these posts so I've always struggled with the idea of writing one about a movie I'm seeing for the first time. But I also like a challenge and what better way to challenge my movie watching/blogging skills then to let someone else select the movie for me? This weekend's movie was selected by my friend Michael. You might remember him as Bad Shakespeare from a few crossover posts we did previously. Michael is a movie aficionado; he sees all the movies and while we may disagree on Billy Joel, we usually agree on movies. Except La La Land; I'm never going to love La La Land like he does. I'd be the one being interrogated in this SNL sketch because of my feelings towards this movie. I'm a monster.

Regardless of our differing opinions on that movie, I decided to take Michael's suggestion for a LMW post and watch the mockumentary, Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping. I was not disappointed. I'm not entirely sure what I am when I comes to this movie but disappointed is not involved. I don't know if this movie is for everyone, but I think you should check it out just in case it's exactly for you. It recently premiered on HBO and I hope this will help it become the cult movie it is. With that said, take a walk over to your Aquavision refrigerator, let it play you a song, and grab some carrots (cut into one of nine shapes), join me for Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping.

• At it's heart, this is a movie about friendship. Thank goodness it begins with a "before they were famous" friendship montage. If I'm ever famous, I would like there to be a "before they were famous" friendship montage made of me. Everyone needs this kind of montage to remind them of who they truly are.
• The Style Boyz - I want them to be a real band who goes on tour so I can go to the show and relive my adolescence except with humor and alcohol. Akiva Schaffer is my favorite Lonely Island member and slowly steals this movie from Andy Samberg beginning in the Style Boys videos.
• So many cameos! If you blink you'll miss every member of the SNL cast from Samberg's years to the present plus all of the musicians: Questlove, Nas, Carrie Underwood, Usher, Mariah Carey. Ringo Starr is in this movie! Genius.
• Conner4Real is loosely based on Jutin Bieber and it's hard not to think of the Biebs throughout most of the first part of the movie. Samberg nails the narcissistic, clueless pop star perfectly. It's like he's been practicing for this movie his whole life.
• No thank you Adam Levine cameo. At least he's not wearing a deep V-neck shirt like always. 
• Mariah Carey talking about the Conner4Real song "Humble" is one of the funniest things Mariah Carey has done in her entire life.
• Tim Meadows! I told you every SNL cast member is in this movie. Tim Meadows needs to be in more movies. He's a national treasure.
• Two new job goals: umbrella wrangler and perspective manipulator. I may have had to pause the movie to get myself under control after the perspective manipulator was explained.
• So the songs. This wouldn't be a movie about a popstar if there weren't songs. The first new single Conner releases ("surprise releasing it on Thursday at noon) is called "Equal Rights Song." It's a parody of the Macklemore song "Same Love" and is so laughingly terrible you can't stop watching. I put the Lonely Island guys up there with Weird Al on their ability to write great parody songs. Pink, on a unicorn at one point, makes a cameo in this song and you can't help but love her more.
•  Emma Stone! Can she be a popstar for real? "Costco samples like a motherfucker" should be everyone's catchphrase.
• When we return to Lawrence, now living on a farm, we're basically watching every episode of CSI that involved the origins of a serial killer. So perfect.
• Aquaspin - this is probably our future. Our appliances will come preloaded with crap music and then eventually try to kill us. It's like a terrible U2 album meets Maximum Overdrive. 
• Paula (the great Sarah Silverman): "We'd like to get to the point where Connor is everywhere, like oxygen or gravity or clinical depression."
•  CMZ! I laughed so hard at these segments. They all nail the TMZ impersonations. At the end, when they get sad about their lives until they can show James Franco at a Denny's? So funny.
• Joan Cusack as Conner's mom! I love her. She should probably be in every movie.
• Ditto to Justin Timberlake. Describing his catering business and how Conner likes carrots in nine different shapes. If you don't like Justin Timberlake we probably can't be friends.
• "Finest Girl (Bin Laden Song)" so not my jam but a bizarrely wonderful moment on tour with Conner4Real.
• "Things in My Jeep" - Lawrence's rap song is the kind of rap song I'd probably write. 
• "Thirty Seconds to Mars is the name of the band. It's not a fact." - Harry (I snorted when he said this.)
• And then the story returns to the downfall of Conner, the rise of Hunter the Hungry, and the plan Owen has to "parent trap" Conner and Lawrence to get the Style Boyz back together. There might also be an appearance by Seal, a wolf attack, and a short sequence with Imogen Poots during this chaos.
• The Donkey Roll! I can totally see this being a thing at middle school dances. 
• "There's not fun in collating." Harry is the best.
• Was that Doyle at the turtle funeral? 
• "We're three Tom Pettys AND the Heartbreakers." Lawrence
• And then we end at an awards show called the Poppies. It's a song called "Incredible Thoughts" and it features Michael Bolton, a person dressed as a fish, and the kind of stream of consciousness song writing that would probably be called insane if Lawrence had become a serial killer rather than rejoining the pop band he once belonged to. It's amazing. And yes, that was Weird Al.

In the great tradition of Christopher Guest movies, Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping joins the list of my favorite mockumentaries. It's ridiculous, hilarious, and so over the top. You have to see it to believe it.

Have a movie you want to get the Lazy Movie Weekend treatment? Let me know by posting in the comments. I'll do my best to cover it in a future post.


Popstar poster

Lady Parts, Part Deux: Wonder Woman

Scene: A group of small children, ages 7-12, are playing in an enormous backyard. It's the mid-1980s and it's summertime.

Boy: I want to be Princess Leia.
Girl: You can't be Princess Leia; you're a boy. I want to be Princess Leia.
Boy: I can be Princess Leia if I want to be.
Girl: Fine, then I'll be Wonder Woman.
Boy: Wonder Woman doesn't have anything to do with Star Wars.
Girl: I don't care. I'm Wonder Woman and you can't make me change.
Boy: Fine. It's stupid but fine.
Girl: Wonder Woman isn't stupid. Stop being mean. Princesses aren't mean.
Boy: (Grumbles and walks away.)
Girl: (Stands in a defiant Wonder Woman pose.)

End scene.

This particular scene happened a few times when I was growing up. One of my friends always wanted to be Princess Leia when we played Star Wars in the backyard. I would always get mad because he was a boy and in my 7 year old mind, boys couldn't be princesses (Note: boys and girls can be whatever they want. Adult me gets it). Then one day I decided to be Wonder Woman instead and the world felt right. They were both princesses and strong and powerful. If he wanted to be Princess Leia, he could be. I wanted to be an Amazon.

Wonder Woman is my favorite superhero; always has been. Hers was the only comic I read regularly back when I read comics regularly and she was the only reason I watched cartoons like Superfriends and Galactic Guardians. I found Batman and Superman and all the other dudes exhausting in their dark pasts and unnecessary doubt of Wonder Woman's abilities. She's the only DC comic hero I enjoy. I watched the Lynda Carter series in syndication; she is the reason I wanted to be Wonder Woman. She was strong and smart and didn't take crap from anyone. That's who I wanted to be. I was obsessed with Greek mythology at that time and the Amazons were among my favorite characters. All of this was so different than everything else I was presented with: Disney princesses, Barbie, and even She-Ra, Princess of Power. Don't get me wrong; I loved Disney and Barbies too. But they weren't everything and they weren't adventure. Wonder Woman was adventure.

So to say that I was excited when I heard we were finally going to get a Wonder Woman movie would the the understatement of the year. I was excited and cautious; there hasn't been a good DC superhero movie in ages. Would this version of Wonder Woman become one more failure in the DC Universe? If it was, would it mean that we'd never see any of the other wonder female superheroes in their own movies rather than being sidekicks to the boys? This new movie is every discussion/debate/conversation/argument women have ever had about existing.

Which is exactly as the creator of Wonder Woman would want it to be. He'd want us to debate Wonder Woman and her role as a feminist icon because he created her to be one. William Moulton Marston created Wonder Woman to make people think about the roles women play in society. I recently finished Jill Lepore's book The Secret Life of Wonder Woman, part biography of Martson and part discussion of how Wonder Woman came to be. He was a psychologist, writer, lawyer, and inventor of the early forms of the lie detector. He was in his teens and early 20s during the suffrage movement in the US, hearing speakers like Alice Paul and Lucy Barnes discuss suffrage and the place of women in society. He knew Margaret Sanger, the mother of the birth control movement, and would marry a member of her family. He had a complex family situation. He believed women were equal to men and should work outside of the home, govern, and lead the lives they wanted to lead. He used his wives (read the book to get this full story) and Sanger as inspiration for his version of an Amazon. I think he would have loved how Wonder Woman was used in the late 1960s as a bridge between second wave feminists and older suffragist sisters in earlier generations. And he would love the new film version of his creation.

Martson would have jumped head first into the discussion around the women-only screenings of the film hosted by Alamo Drafthouse. He would have enjoyed Austin mayor, Steve Adler's, response to criticism that the events are exclusionary to men. I went to one of these screenings, at the Alamon in Ashburn, and it was wonderful. The ticket sales from all of these events went to organizations which support women and women's issues (In Christy's Shoes was the organization for Ashburn). These particular organizations need support more now than ever given the current administration's plan to dismantle anything remotely helpful for women. What I experienced was a fun evening, watching a great movie in a theatre full of wonder women. We did not, as I'm sure some people who complained about these screenings think, sit around and plot the destruction of man. We laughed a bit louder at some of the more adult humor in the film (There are penis jokes!). We sat in hushed awe at the women of this film, living their Amazonian lives. We cheered loudly when Wonder Woman entered No Man's Land. There were women in costume and so many great t-shirts (I wore a classic WW logo shirt). It was a group of women enjoying a great film about a superhero that means so much to all of them. Like when the lady Ghostbusters graced the world with their humor and awesomeness, nothing bad happened to the men of the world because we had some women-only screenings of Wonder Woman.

Wonder Woman was everything I wanted it to be: origin story, love story, and an opportunity for some really amazing women to kick ass. If you're not impressed by the Amazons, particularly Robin Wright as Antiope, you weren't paying close enough attention to the what you were watching. Gal Gadot is striking as Diana (Wonder Woman). She's also funny, smart, and strong; all the things I wanted to be when I pretended to be Wonder Woman as a child. The rest of the cast is great; Chris Pine as Steve Trevor, Lucy Davis as Etta (a favorite of mine from the early comics), Connie Nielson as Hippolyta, and the bad guys, Danny Huston and Elena Anaya. I can't spoil the big bad for you but it's a good one. There's so much to watch and take in along the way. Patty Jenkins, the director, has made a DC superhero movie that is the right combination of dark and light. She and her production have captured what is wonderful about Wonder Woman and her love of mankind. Wonder Woman didn't leave Themyscira to follow a man; she left to help protect mankind from the evils of war. As she says at one point, "It's about what you believe. And I believe in love. Only love will truly save the world." 

We need more messages like this from our superheroes, fictional or otherwise.

Lazy Movie Weekend: We can have fun, but we cannot be wild

Friends are important. I've written about this a lot here on the Island and in my professional life. As I posted on the Facebook this week, sometimes you realize that you need your "let's ditch touring colonial homes to go to Myrtle Beach to dance and meet boys" friends and sometimes you need your "I'd slice open the belly of a tauntaun to protect you on Hoth" friends. Sometimes you need both (and you should always plan on being both at some point in your life). One of the most challenging things about friendship, to me at least, is distance. We don't live in a world where people stay in the same place their whole lives (most of us don't) so we don't live down the street from our best friend or even in the same city or town. We may find new friends as we move and settle elsewhere but it's never the same.

I'm lucky that one of my oldest friends (I've known her since the 7th grade) still lives in the area so I always have a partner in crime, but my closest friends, my girls from college, are all over the place. That point was driven home a few weeks ago when I visited Ocracoke. I don't know how many times Kelly and I discussed how we wished we lived nearer to one another. Alas, that is not the way life is currently working.

This exact theme is at the heart of this weekend's Lazy Movie Weekend. It's one of my favorite movies of all time and is about friendship and new beginnings and whether or not it is appropriate to do modern ballet at a beauty pageant (the answer will be revealed below). The girls in the film are all about to go their separate ways after high school and want one last adventure. Yes, friends, I'm talking about 1989's Shag the Movie. This movie has everything: Myrtle Beach, an Elvis-esque teen idol, a dance contest, perfect hair, and Scott Coffey. Let's put on our Shagging shoes, grab a few beevos, and have the most fun watching Shag the Movie.

• I own this movie on VHS. Because of this, I had to take it to my parents' house to watch since they still have a VCR. My mother thoroughly enjoyed this because she loves the music. Fun fact: she was a freshman in high school in 1963, the year in which Shag is set.
• In addition to Phoebe Cates and Annabeth Gish, 80s teen movie queens (for Fast Times at Ridgemont High and Mystic Pizza, respectively), this movie featured the next generation of some very famous families including Bridget Fonda, Page Hannah (sister of Darryl), and Tyrone Power, Jr. This was a super big deal in 1989.
• "Every damn thing has to happen when you're in a damn hurry." Luanne (Page Hannah). Luanne is arguably the most quotable character in this movie and that is saying a lot. 
• Best beauty advice ever: don't wear dark lipstick. Followed closely by the rule of not letting any of the other girls drive her car. Mrs. Clatterbuck was a smart lady. 
  
• Girls "kidnapping" their friends is a thing and it always will be. At least in this instance, Luanne, Pudge, and Melaina are planning something fun for Carson rather than say, making her go to breakfast in her pajamas or accidentally killing her with a jawbreaker (see 1999's Jawbreaker for more details on how this last one worked). Come to think about it, we should just stop this practice immediately.
• I can't think of anymore Southern names than Melaina, Carson, and Harley. Hearing their names makes me want to say things like "I'm just sayin' is all" and "I mean" and throw a "y'all" in at every possible opportunity. 
• Can we bring back the fashion of this movie? Maybe not all the halter tops (although they all look adorable on these ladies) but the dresses and the skirts and the shoes and the cigarette pants. We all need these back in our lives. Even Vogue agrees with me.
• Does anyone have one of those nail polish dryers? I mean, I would never get a gel manicure again if I had one of those. A hair dryer is not the same.
  
• Carson: I think eyeliner is trashy. Melaina: I wear eyeliner. Carson: Well, it looks good on some people. Only true friends can have this type of dialogue.
• How many times does Luanne say "Melaina" in an exasperated way in this movie? I lost count and we're only 20 minutes in.
• Places like the Pavilion just don't exist anymore. I'm not saying this is why the world sucks but it's possible it's part of the reason. The look on Pudge's face when she sees it for the first time is my proof.
• "Why can't girls ask boys to dance?" Pudge (Annabeth Gish) is my favorite of the four girls. I suspect I'm halfway between Pudge and Luanne if I was deciding which girl I would be.
• We already missed the "meet cute," if you consider throwing a condom full of beer at their car a meet cute so enter Buzz and Chip. If those aren't 60s guy names I don't know what are.
• "I got news, you're gonna lose." Melaina to the trashy girls Suette and Nadine (I lied those are the most Southern names of all time). Melaina decides to steal Nadine's man and win Miss Sun Queen instead of Suette. Melaina is a force.
• Big Bob is literally the guy your mother told you not to date, including the car and inability to understand the word no.
• Shaving cream and tissues - this is what they do to get back at Melaina? I don't get it.
• "This is the most fun." Pudge although this phrase is used throughout the movie and I've said it at least six times since I watched the movie on Tuesday. It's my new favorite way to describe everything.
• Pudge and Chip dance. He tries to tell her he's a bad dancer but he's a liar. If this movie doesn't make you want to learn the Shag and the Madison, I can't help you.
• I know everyone is supposed to be all abuzz over Buzz (see what I did there?) but Chip is the only game in town. I love Scott Coffey; he is my biggest 80s holdover crush. If you've never seen Shag, you may remember Scott from Satisfaction (the one with Justine Bateman and Julia Roberts and they're in a band and Liam Neeson is awkwardly involved) or maybe Mulholland Drive. He's a director now. Check out Adult World for a taste of his directing abilities. Anyway, I love Chip. He's sincere, dorky, polite,  clueless, and he can dance. He's perfect (and he aged well).
  
•  No Melaina, you should not do modern ballet to the tune of "Dixie" while waving around a Confederate flag. I don't care that this is 1963 and you're in South Carolina; it's still a terrible idea. As Luanne says, "Modern ballet is trashy." You should recite Scarlett's "Yankees in Tara" speech instead. It's much more dignified as a talent for the Miss Sun Queen pageant. 
• Remember when people got discovered at things like beauty pageants and dance contests? Simpler times with no Ryan Seacrest.
• Of course, Carson calls Harley (her fiance) because she feels guilty about flirting with Buzz. Of course, Harley has to come Myrtle Beach. 
• Jimmy Valentine! If he's not a mini-Elvis I don't know who would be considered that. The actor also appears in one of the only Gywneth Paltrow movies I can tolerate. His teen idol is awesome, exactly what I imagine the life of a 60s teen idol is like. 
• Luanne trying to make Melaina feel better about the one piece bathing suit: "You, Melaina, you are a flower of the South."
• "Holy pajamas." Chip's reaction to Suette's trashy modern ballet routine and a wonderful phrase. 
• The house party! Melaina basically makes Luanne invite Jimmy Valentine over and then things get out of hand and everybody gets knee-walking drunk (you know what I mean). Of course, this leads to Luanne and Harley becoming a thing, Carson and Buzz disappearing on a boat, and Pudge and Chip falling asleep in a bathtub. You know, like every party you went to in college.
• Chip's comment about falling in love but not having to because he met Pudge and he could just write to her instead is the most heartbreaking moment of this entire movie. Pudge, you're my girl.
• And then morning comes. As does the maid to tell everyone that the Senator (Luanne's daddy) is on his way. Additionally, we have to deal with the end of the elaborate "where's Carson?" ruse and awkwardly discuss how her having sex with Buzz makes her "wild." I guess it makes her "wild" in a 1963 kind of way.
• Harley's logic about getting married and not calling off the wedding is the worst logic I have ever heard about getting married ever. He is every bit a proper Southern gentleman.
• Note: Never follow Melaina's advice when it comes to boys. It will only lead to hurt feelings and no partner at the Shag contest.
• I love the sequence with Chip and the Senator. It's earnest and endearing all at the same time.
• The Shag contest is the best part of this movie. Pudge and Chip and "Stagger Lee." I said before and I'll say again, if this movie doesn't make you want to dance (even if you're terrible like me), we can't be friends. The video is below for you to cherish as I do.
  
• Carson: Luanne, why don't we just go up there and say "This was our last weekend together, and we didn't feel like going to Fort Sumter and touring goddamn colonial homes. We wanted to go to the beach and meet boys and go to wild parties and dance." I mean why can't we tell them the truth? Exactly, Carson, why can't we?
• Of course every movie has to end with the singing of your high school anthem because that's how movies work. At least they all look absolutely lovely while singing it.
  
  
   

I don't know about y'all but I'm going to go call some of my friends, learn all the choreography (by the great Kenny Ortega), and find some wonderful party dresses. That sounds like the most fun.

Going out image
Pudge & Chip
Cruising
Poster
Scott Coffey
End of the movie 

Sometimes What Happens In Vegas Should Definitely Stay In Vegas

There should not be four Sharknado movies. If I want to be 100% honest, there shouldn't be any Sharknado movies. There should be a sequel or some other extension of the Firefly/Serenity universe or another season of Parks and Rec or another Spy movie but that's not how the world works. SyFy has built part of its brand on low budget-ish, oddball "horror/sci-fi/creature/freak weather phenomena" movies (I don't really know how to categorize them) so something like Sharknado was going to happen at some point in our collective history. People like sharks; I don't but people do. People also like escapist television (I really do). It makes sense to combine both of these elements to create the pop culture zeitgeist that is the Sharknado franchise. And so we have Sharknado 4: The 4th Awakens. Yes, that's it's actual name.

I try not to read too much about these movies before they happen. I enjoy being surprised by "celebrity" cameos, plot twists, and the inevitable shark-based puns. I'm still waiting for someone to put together the definitive list of ways sharks are killed in the movies. The cameos truly are the best part of any of the movies. My favorites all happened in the second movie; Downtown and Uptown Julie Brown, Biz Markie, and the cast of the Today show. Seriously, watching Matt Lauer kill a shark with an umbrella is the only time I've ever enjoyed watching him on the Today show. I take that back, my favorite cameo was George R.R. Martin in the third installment; he dies like all GoT's fans dreams of him ever finishing the series.

This year, for fun, the wonderful Neek Confessional (aka Jessica) and I decided to include a drinking game in our annual live tweeting/viewing extravaganza. Jessica was smart and took Monday off; I did not (new hires start on Monday so I have to be at work). Here's the game:

Next year, we should change puns to shark jokes but other than that, the drinking game worked well. I think I missed a lot of the cameos because I'm not up on my reality stars and MMA fighters. We also had a question of whether Fin's niece was being pouty or emo. I think we decided on pouty which is not the same thing. I finished my beer and a half and woke up just fine this morning.

So what does Sharknado 4: The 4th Awakens have to offer us? We learned the why having the world's largest ball of twine is important. We learned that some things should really stay in Vegas. We learned that marrying into the Shepard family is a poor life choice. We learned that while we were in Kansas, we definitely weren't in Kansas anymore. But most importantly, we learned that you can just throw a word in front of "nado" and you have a new weather phenomena that sounds terrifying - that's what Sharknado 4 gave us. By my count there were 8 types of nadoes in this film: regular sharknadoes, firenadoes, sandnadoes, bouldernadoes, lightningnadoes, lavanadoes, cownadoes, and nuclear sharknadoes. I hope I didn't miss any of them.

Apparently, sharknadoes were not enough. We, and by we I mean the makers of these movies, decided that the only way to up the "suspense" and the action of these movies was to add more types of made up-nadoes because that's how movies work. The cownado was probably the most effective; between Gilbert Gottfried shouting about cownadoes (as he does) and the sharks eating the cows in the cow/sharknado, it was pretty spectacular to watch. The nuclear sharknado at the end of the movie was pretty amazing too. It looked exactly like a nuclear cloud from a 1950s horror movie had a baby with the bomb at the end of the tv movie version of Stephen King's The Stand so vaguely realistic and yet sort of like a child drew it. I feel like that description could describe most of Sharknado 4 but that also seems sort of mean to say out loud.

What did I like about Sharknado 4? I enjoyed many of the cameos this year but admit that I may have missed a lot of them since I'm not as up on my reality show stars as I should be. My favorite cameos included Cheryl Tieg as Fin's mom, Vince Neil as Vince Neil, Alexandra Paul and Gena Lee Nolin as astrophysicists but really there to recreate their famous Baywatch slow motion running, Patti Stanger as a report (asking a matchmaking question of course), Paul Shaffer randomly playing a keyboard during a sharknado attack, and Carrot Top as the most unlucky Uber driver ever. Vince Neil's appearance led to my only excuse to ever tweet about Vince Neil:

PS - the answer is yes except that it won't matter because sharks.

My least favorite cameo was that of Stacey Dash as the mayor of Chicago. Now, if this was 1995 and we were discussing Clueless there would be no problem but it is 2016 and Stacey Dash has become that "celebrity" that needs to go away. I cannot with her. I can suspend my disbelief for literally everything else that happens in Sharknado 4, including that time April used sharks as a makeshift defibrillator, but I cannot and will not accept Stacey as the mayor of Chicago. Somehow this morphs into her being the Wicked Witch (a la The Wizard of Oz) including wearing striped socks AND having a house dropped on her. I get that most of the cast of every Sharknado movie is stunt casting but this just seems so wrong for so many reasons. She does ask the question that plagues these movies "Is Fin responsible for the sharknadoes?" It's a mildly valid question but I don't think we'll ever get the answer to this since it's been asked in three of the four movies without an answer.

We also find out the fate of April. If you remember from Sharknado 3 after she gives birth in the belly of a shark during her reentry into Earth from space (just go with it), April is possibly killed by spacecraft debris. Fans were invited to decided whether April lived or died; I voted firmly on the side of "April should die" because April is the worst. But apparently, the "April should live" camp was more vocal and won. Now, I say she's alive but she's not really. Her mad scientist father, played by Gary Busey (of course), has turned her into a cyborg. Not just any cyborg, a cyborg that somehow has a built-in reference to every sci-fi/fantasy/comic book movie made in the last 30 years. There's definitely a nod to the Star Wars franchise (some on Twitter even referred to her as a Sharknado Jedi - I'm so, so sorry Star Wars fans), there are references to Star Trek, the Terminator series, and at some point, April becomes a weird Iron Man without the suit but with some of the toys. April's entire existence reminds me of that Kristy Swanson movie from the 80s called Deadly Friend; there's something super creepy about her in the entire rest of the movie. Keep in mind that her husband and children all think she's dead so her reappearance as a sharknado fighting cyborg is traumatic to say the least. Her youngest child, the child born in the belly of a shark, refuses to recognize April as his mother. He says a shark is his mom. In fact:

It's not until the entire Shepard family decides to face the nuclear sharknado as a family (because "family rules" as Fin tells us), that Little Gil (seriously) decides Cyborg Mom is okay. He even pulls a chainsaw out of a rock (in a nod to Excalibur) to save his family when they've all been "eaten" by sharks Russian nesting doll style. The youngest Shepard has now battled sharks and won so he's truly one of them.

I'm going to admit that only about 15% of the movie makes any real sense. This sequel was so fast paced and moved through so many states that it was hard to keep up with where the family was, how many cameos I missed (we haven't even discussed Dog the Bounty Hunter and his weird Deliverance-like family of chainsaw aficionados), the "science" of why the sharknado and specifically the nuclear sharknado keep coming back (thanks to Al Roker for the explanation), and why Fin has a niece all of the sudden and she's hanging out with him, base jumping to safety, and generally kicking ass. I have no idea why she's here except that Nova is missing and there has to be a hot woman who's not Fin's daughter or wife because that's how these movies work. I thought it would be Fin's son's wife but she dies, setting us up for the end of the movie and the return of Nova.

Yes, Nova returns at the very end (literally the last 30 seconds) riding on top of the Eiffel Tower. I'm not even joking about this. She's been in Paris, as Fin's daughter so helpfully tells us (or maybe it was the niece). I wanted to believe she was there on vacation and finding her one true love but no, apparently, she's been fighting sharknadoes.

I guess this means there will be a fifth Sharknado movie and it will star Nova. Maybe she only appears in odd numbered movies (she was in the first and third installments). Maybe she (the actor) realized this one was a lost cause and held out for a movie where she is more of a central character. Maybe once and for all she will get her Shepard dude (I'm guessing it will be the older son since that's what the first movie told us would happen). Or maybe the next chapter of Sharknado will be free of the freaking Shepard family and Nova will be able to finally avenge her grandfather's shark attack death in the way she has always wanted...total shark annihilation.

I'll be here for you because I watch these movies so you don't have to.

Sharknado poster
Drinking game image by Jessica 
Tweet images by me (from my account)
Tweet image from @SharknadoSyFy

Lazy Movie Weekend Double Feature, Part 2: Come for the aliens, stay for the bromances?

I love action movies. Always have. Car chases are fun to watch, explosions are pretty great, and who doesn't love a good fight? The thing about action movies is that there's a spectrum when it comes to quality. Independence Day: Resurgence skirts the line between adequate, not terrible alien movie and super cheesy, terrible alien mess. Did I love it? Not really but I didn't hate it either. Is it the worst movie I've ever seen? Absolutely not and people who are saying this obviously didn't see Rocky & Bullwinkle (seriously Robert DeNiro?) or the Matthew Broderick remake of Godzilla. Those are the types of movies that make me want my money back. Broderick, I'm still waiting on my $7 (unless I charge interest).

Since I don't write reviews I thought instead I'd talk about the movie focusing on three areas: What's Missing, Things I Loved/Need More Of, and WTF Moments. And yes, there will be spoilers. Because I'm terrible. Grab some popcorn because this movie is the very definition of popcorn flick.

What's Missing (Really, Who's Missing)

• Will Smith: Let's just get this one out of the way. Will Smith didn't return to play Captain Steven Hiller. I'm sure he realized that this was not going to be a great movie and didn't really need him. He's busy being part of the Suicide Squad so there's that. I have zero problems with his absence; I don't think he's a great actor and the original character made me irrationally annoyed. I did enjoy the oil painting of him hanging in the White House - a tribute to a true American hero.
• Margaret Colin: Who is Margaret Colin? Only the love of David Levinson's (Jeff Goldblum) life in the first movie. Colin's Constance worked for President Whitmore and was a wonderful counter to David throughout the movie. They got back together at the end. I expected Constance to be here but there is no mention of her at any point in the 2 hour movie. Not even David's meddling and lovable father, Julius, mentions her. What happened to Constance? If someone knows what happened to her, please let me know. Maybe I missed it but I really don't think that I did.
• Adam Baldwin: I love Adam Baldwin. Frankly, the original movie could have benefited from more Adam Baldwin so I'm sad that there's zero Adam Baldwin in the sequel. I'll admit that the addition of William Fitchner in the sequel helps (more on this shortly) but it's not the same.
• Mae Whitman: Mae Whitman played President Whitmore's daughter in the original movie. She was adorable and everything we could ever want from a little girl in an alien movie. Apparently, her character's name in ID was Patricia but I don't recall her ever being referred to in this way. Everyone calls her "munchkin" and it's perfection. Whitman is a very talented actor, most recently starring in the high school rom-com The DUFF. Anyway, she's been replaced by Maika Monroe. Monroe just isn't Patricia Whitmore and it's sad that Whitman is missing. There have been lots of articles about why she's not here; I hope this isn't true but I'm not naive enough to believe that Hollywood isn't the terrible place we all think it is. 

Things I Loved/Need More Of 

•  Vivica A. Fox: At least Jasmine is back to make us remember what was good about the first movie. I always considered her the heart of the first movie; she's a good person, a good mom, a good friend, and also happens to be a stripper. In the sequel, she's become a doctor (obviously) and selflessly puts herself in harm's way. I wanted more of her in this movie because frankly, heart is just one of the things missing from Resurgence. Also, the only movie Vivica A. Fox should die in is Kill Bill Vol. 1 because she had it coming.
• Julius Levinson: If you don't love Judd Hirsch's meddling dad, Julius, you don't like funny things. He's in a significant amount of the movie but it's not as much fun as the first one. He does get saved by some kids and then drives them into the middle of an all out alien war so that's something. 
• Jeff Goldblum in a tank top: Let's all admit it: Jeff Goldblum is the sexy/nerdy older dude we all love. He's been that way since early movies like Earth Girls Are Easy and The Fly and only got better in the original Jurassic Park and the original ID. There's something missing in this version of David Levinson; maybe it's Constance's absence. Or possibly more tank tops.
• General Adams: Confession: I watch the only okay Adam Sandler remake of The Longest Yard whenever it's on tv because of William Fitchner. He's not even in that much of the movie but it's worth it. Fitchner is a super talented actor and has one of those faces that's interesting and handsome all at the same time so you just sort of stare at him. Like Adam Baldwin in the first movie, this movie could have used 100% more General Adams and he's already in most of the movie. Honestly, you could get rid of the whole Jake/Dylan story line and just give us more General Adams.
  
  
• Jake's backstory: We get that he almost killed Dylan Hiller in a training exercise and that they "hate" one another. We also get that he's super dreamy and engaged to Patricia Whitmore. But what's the deal with the story of being left at a camp during the War of 1996 (that's a thing)? Was he one of those other children hanging out with Dylan and Munchkin at Area 51? I need to know more even if I don't particularly care for him as a character.
• President Whitmore channeling Lone Starr: I have loved Bill Pullman since the first time I saw the movie Spaceballs. He was a great leading man president in the first ID and I was glad to see him back in the sequel. At the beginning of the movie, he's the crazy, old man version of himself but by the climatic end, we see the true President Whitmore and he looks the way I imagine Lone Starr would have looked had we ever gotten a Spaceballs sequel.
  
• Warlord Umbutu/Floyd the Accountant buddy comedy: These are, by far, two of the weirdest characters added to the mix of this movie. At the beginning, when we meet both, they barely talk to one another and Floyd is intimidated by the warlord. By the end of the movie, they're killing aliens side by side like they were born to do so. I think these guys deserve a spinoff buddy comedy movie. I'd watch that.
• Brent Spiner as Dr. Brakish Okun: I only add him here because I didn't think he was going to be in the movie...I thought he died in the first one. Always trust the crazy guy in movies like this.

 And finally...

WTF Moments, Or Things I Could Do Without/Don't Understand

•  Science apparently doesn't exist in this movie: I get that this movie is set in a future time where we have used the technology and knowledge left behind by our alien invaders. I don't believe that all that technology would have been able to solve this issue: the Earth and the moon don't have the same atmosphere. If David and Jake need spacesuits to walk around on the moon, how is it possible for all of them and the fighter pilots to move between Earth and the moon with no visible signs that they were impacted by the change in atmosphere? #sciencedoesntmatterinscifiactionmovies
• The Bromances: Why are there so many bromances? Is it the mid-2000s and we're watching a movie starring Jason Segel and I don't know, Jonah Hill? We've got Charlie and Jake, Jake and Dylan, Jake and David, Warlord Umbutu and Floyd, Whitmore and Levinson, Dr. Okun and Dr. Isaacs, and even Whitmore and retired General Grey. I like that dudes are being confident in their friendships in movies and pop culture but this seems like way too much bromance for one movie.
  
• Charlotte Gainsbourg: I have no problem with her being in this movie EXCEPT that if we're going to not cast Mae Whitman because she's not considered "conventionally beautiful" (bullshit) than how did we get to Charlotte Gainsbourg? She's a talented and beautiful actress as well but doesn't scream "alien popcorn flick actress" even if she's playing a psychologist. There's something really off about her being in this movie. I want to like her but I don't.
• Sela Ward as President Lanford: You just can't rally behind this President. There's nothing inspiring about her. No rallying speech, no woman of the people vibe; she's just there. I was not sad when the safe location where she was located was destroyed by aliens. I was excited by the person who ended up being sworn in as President. I'll let this one be a surprise.
• Patricia Whitmore: It's not that Maika Monroe is a bad actor; she's fine but I don't believe her/ It ruins the plots she's involved in. Not a fighter pilot, not the daughter of the President who saved us all, not a member of the current president's staff. She's just boring even in the scenes with the lesser Hemsworth. Patricia gets some terrible dialogue so it's really not her fault. I just wish she was...more. 
• Smug dudes: The first ID had Will Smith, this one has Liam Hemsworth as Jake Morrison. He's kind of like a combination of Will Smith and Harry Connick, Jr. from the first one; he mugs a lot, is sort of funny, and you don't wish for his death. However, you do hope he'll stop talking and just kill the damn alien queen already.

While the new President (again, I can't tell you who it is) has a rather rousing speech to the world right before the end battle with the aliens (that is of course resolved before the 2 minute countdown runs out), it does not hold a candle to the original. 

 Happy Birthday America! 

Make smart life choices this weekend - don't set things on fire, drive responsibly, and remember to hydrate and wear sunscreen.

Images:
Fab Four
Bromance 1
Whitmore