Sharknado Time Machine

Not too long ago, I wrote about the anticipation I always feel when attending a concert. When I'm really into a band and have been looking forward to the show, my expectations around what is going to take place go into hyper-drive. I have a list of songs I want to hear. I want the band to fun and not too aloof, but aloof enough if that's their thing. I don't know if other people feel this way when they go to shows. Maybe it's just me.

I feel this way about specific types of movies as well. Movies that fall into this category include: MCU movies, anything based on a musical, movies based on books I love, Quentin Tarantino movies, any movie involving a combination of Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, and Edgar Wright, and Star Wars universe movies. Of course, I also love really terrible things so I have to add one major movie type to this list:

SyFy's Sharknado franchise.

 

No one is ever going to say that any of the Sharknado movies are great pieces of cinematic art. They weren't created to be such things. If I wanted high art and sharks, well, I don't know that there is a movie that's both. SyFy movies are supposed to be fun and ridiculous, low on the budget, high on the suspension of disbelief. They're the equivalent of Hallmark Christmas movies for sci-fi/horror set. When the first Sharknado movie premiered way back in 2013,I thought it was hilarious. It reminded me of all those terrible movies I'd stay up late watching when I was a teenager. Like Troll 2 before it, the first Sharknado was campy, totally unbelievable, and the perfect summer movie. Who knew it would become a huge pop culture phenomenon and every celebrity would want to make an appearance in future movies? Who could have predicted that the creators and cast would stick around for six whole movies? But it did and they did.

The summer release of a Sharknado movie became an event. People live Tweeted the movies and created drinking games and themed parties. There's even a book called How to Survive a Sharknado. I know this because my brother bought it for me. On a few occasions, I had a long distance viewing party with my friend, Jessica. I got into the spectacle of the spectacle. A new Sharknado movie was something I looked forward to, even going as far as to put it on my calendar. SyFy had me hooked.

The first three movies were good in the way these types of movies are good. I spent the first movie counting how many ways sharks were killed during the movie and lamenting, but predicting the death of John Heard. The second movie featured both of the Julie Browns (from MTV) as well as everyone who ever worked at NBC/Universal (I assume it's a job requirement to make an appearance). The third one took place partially in DC and Nova returned. My favorite thing about the fourth movie was that I got to make a joke about kickstarting Vince Neil's heart and the Sharknado Twitter-verse thought it was funny (because the Sharknado Twitter-verse is a thing). The fifth movie gave us something none of knew we needed: the Sharknado Sisterhood. I would watch an entire movie about the sisterhood if that was a thing.

Anyway, I didn't even realize the sixth movie was happening. Yes, the fifth one left us with a cliffhanger involving time travel and the youngest son and other stuff I don't really remember. That means very little in the life span of a SyFy movie or really anything that people love. Just because there should be a sequel or another season of something, doesn't mean we get it (I'm looking at you, Joss Whedon). A few weeks ago, it dawned on me that I hadn't heard anything about a sixth movie. I checked Google and found out it was a thing and marked down the date on my calendar.

I have no idea what I watched last night.

I DVR-ed the movie when it originally aired and finally got around to watching it last night. Twenty-two minutes into the movie, I still wasn't really sure what was going on. It was originally about defeating the first sharknado and there were dinosaurs and people who died in the last movie were alive again. April, my least favorite character, learned how to fly a pterodactyl. There was a capacitor, like in Back to the Future. But then they were time traveling, sort of following youngest son Gil, who had come from the future to save the family in the fifth one. He was searching for them, but apparently you can only go back in time once. Eventually, there was an army of evil April robots and we made it back to the original shady deal boat from the very first movie. And then the sharknados stopped and the Shepard family was whole again and Nova was going back to college and John Heard never died...because the sharknados never happened.

Or something.

The Last Sharknado jumped the shark. I would argue that the Sharknado jumped the shark three movies ago, but hey, I'm not a studio executive who makes decisions about what does and doesn't get made. Am I sad I watched the sixth one? Absolutely not. There are three reasons for this:

1. Neil deGrasse Tyson
2. Alaska Thunderfuck
3. Christopher Knight

I expected none of these people to appear in a Sharknado movie, but here they are in the same one. Neil deGrasse Tyson and Alaska even appear in the same section of the movie, which is probably something neither one of them ever thought would happen. Who would cast an astrophysicist and a drag queen as Merlin and Morgana respectively? The Sharknado people, that's who. This specific sequence was the reason I enjoyed the first movie so much. It was over the top, including Merlin declaring, "Who needs science when you have a dragon?" and Fin pulling Excalibur from the stone, except that the sword's blade was in the shape of a chainsaw. Alaska/Morgana disappears with a trademark Alaska "Byeee" that was everything it needed to be and more.

Christopher Knight, better known as Peter Brady (the best Brady brother), was oddly endearing as Nova's grandpa. It's his death, at the jaws of sharks, when Nova is a little girl that leads her to her destiny as a sharknado fighter. This section also gets into a story line that comes up frequently in these movies: Fin being the worst. He and Nova argue about whether she should save her grandpa's life, with Fin being the worst and telling her she can't. Of course, things don't go as planned, and we end up with an army of evil robot Aprils. Christopher Knight as grandpa was the most genuine example of family goodness in the movie. It was another unexpected moment.

The sixth Sharknado was a lot like going to see a band I really like and all they played were crappy songs from their terrible new album; not quite what I wanted but not completely unenjoyable. I've done my job and watched all six movies so you didn't have to.

More importantly, if I don't want to enter a room with the confidence of a mediocre white man, I can enter a room with this thought instead:

Sharknado motivational poster
Frye meme
Merlin

That's not how this works...

It's hard to explain the allure of movies like Sharknado or Sharknado 2. Neither film was particularly good but both were so bad that they were amusing. Two hours of ridiculous is sometimes exactly what I need in my life. I've written three posts about the movies and experienced my first true live tweeting event last year during the sequel's premiere. To say that I was excited about the third installment would be an understatement. I planned to live tweet with the wonderful Jessica (check out her blog Neek Confessional when you're done here) and was excited that the third movie was taking place at least partially in DC. What could be better?

I'll tell you what - the other two Sharknado movies. The third movie was many things: a long-form commercial for NBC and all of its holdings, ridiculous (in a less than good way), sort of funny, but ultimately just boring. It didn't have the same humor as the first two. Basically Sharknado 3 was trying too hard. It was too Sharknado-y if such a thing is possible. More importantly, it left me with way too many unanswered questions and none of them are about the science of these movies. If you have questions about the science of the Sharknado movies you should not be watching.

Let's dive in (see what I did there?) to the twelve questions left unanswered by Sharknado 3:

1. At the start of the movie after an inexplicable run through DC (more on this in a moment), Fin shows up at the White House to receive the Medal of Freedom from President Mark Cuban. Why is April, his wife who apparently loves him very much, not with him for this very important event? Sugar Ray is there (he played April's brother in the second movie) but she's not. Now she is pregnant and travel could be an issue but the woman gets on a space shuttle later in the movie with no mind to her unborn child so she couldn't have taken a train? I don't understand.
2. The entire sequence in DC is confusing. I've lived in the area a total of 12 years and I could not for the life of me figure out where Fin was for most of the section. It was filmed here so obviously they used real streets and scenery but none of it makes any sense. Is this how everyone views DC? Do all non-residents (and I'm grouping the DMV as residents) believe that the White House is next door to the Capitol? Do you think that the Secret Service just knows where a person would be and is automatically able to just be there?
   
3.  Why would the nation blame April and Fin for all the sharknadoes? Are they wizards? Do people believe in magic now? In the first movie, there's this bit of dialogue towards the end about government conspiracies being responsible for the sharknado so I get the paranoia but I don't get this. Is the movie trying to make a statement about fame and blame? 
4. What happened to Fin and April's son? The daughter, Claudia, is a central figure in this movie (she's 18 now, totally knows her way around a gun, and watches a sort of dorky guy die after kissing her - you know, normal teenage girl stuff) but no son. There is a quick line about him after Nova reappears ("Still not a stripper.") but that's it. And then the decision is made to make Nova seem like she's going after Fin...a lot. And in a creepy way. If the fourth movie does not bring this guy back and let him finish the sharknadoes once and for all, I quit all further Sharknado movies.
5. Has Frankie Muniz aged? Or is he living in some sort of environment that preserves his youthful appearance? He's 30 years old. 
   
6. As in the first two movies, cameos abound in Sharknado 3. However, the third movie moves beyond musicians, NBC personalities, and original Mtv VJs. There seemed to be more political figures and pundits in this movie than any of the previous ones. Is appearing in Sharknado 3 (or future movies) the new way to maintain political relevance? Michele Bachmann, Anthony Weiner, Ann Coulter, and Jerry Springer (technically a politician) all make appearances. 
7. While we're on the subject of cameos, do you want to know why the next Game of Thrones book isn't done? It's because George R.R. Martin is too busy making a cameo in Sharknado 3. He dies just like all of your dreams about finding out what actually happens in the book.
8. We've established that no one knows how the White House or DC works, but I have to ask do you really think this is how military bases work? There is no way in any version of the universe that these clowns would be allowed on a military base because Fin's the guy that saved New York from a sharknado. I don't care who he knows and who his dad ends up being (more on this in a moment) that's not how this works.
9. Nova was a favorite character of mine from the first movie. It was disappointing that she was not in the second one; April is boring and terrible. Nova is a better lead. My question is this: why did she and Fin end up in their underwear after the first plane crash? Is there some phenomena surrounding a crashing plane that sucks the clothes off of a person? Furthermore, where did they get their new outfits once they got out of the water?
   
10. The cameo you've all been waiting for: David Hasselhoff! Actually, I wasn't waiting for this at all but I can totally see him as Fin's dad. Makes absolute sense. But let's be honest, who would trust David Hasselhoff to pilot a space shuttle? 

    

    PS - Benefit Cosmetics was on of the favorites on this tweet. Day made.

11. Sharknado 3 is one big commercial for NBCUniversal from the move to Orlando to the other properties like the "Today" show and NASCAR but what about the fact that the mission control center for NASA was really a Comcast call center? I have no proof of this whatsoever but seriously this is the only thing in the entire movie that makes any bit of sense.
    
12. Lots of improbable things happen at the end of the movie involving a space mission, sharks living in space (a rejected Muppets title - probably), April in space, and April giving birth in the belly of a shark as it plummets from space back to Earth. As I'm not concerned with the science of this movie, the only important question to ask is this: Should April live or die? The makers of the franchise want us, the viewing public, to decide her fate. You can vote over at SyFy if you're so inclined. I would counter this question with this: Does it even matter and do we care? April is my least favorite character so I wouldn't be sad if she wasn't part of the next movie. I think the missing Shepard son needs to own the fourth movie and maybe take on the mantle of sharknado slayer from his dad. He and Nova can reunite and they'll both have a reason to continue the shark revenge plan Nova has had since the first movie. That's the only thing that makes sense in the grand scheme of these movies. 

There you go; I watched Sharknado 3 so you don't have to. You can thank me later.


Esurance meme
Frankie Muniz
Other images by me

Wasn't Dylan the surfer?

Well Island readers, it has happened. I have watched Sharknado. And it was glorious.

As I discussed this weekend, I have a special affection for movies like Sharknado. They're not great movies (not even really good movies) but they're entertaining enough and sometimes I need a break from all the seriousness of life and feminism and helping to create the world changers of tomorrow. Sometimes I just want to watch 90210 Steve chainsaw his way out of the belly of a shark.

Let's discuss the entire social media phenomenon that is this movie. There is not built-in fan base for a movie like this. Sure, you might follow SyFy on Twitter (like I do - I like the show "Face Off") and maybe you like previous movies like Mega Python vs. Gatoroid (featuring both Debbie Gibson and Tiffany) or Sharktopus (with the lesser know Roberts sibling, Eric) but I wouldn't classify that as a fan base. Not like the fan base summer blockbusters like Iron Man 3 or Star Trek have. It's not right to assume but I'm going to assume that no one was sitting around saying, "I'd love it if someone made a movie that appealed to my love of sharks, unusual weather phenomena, and stars of the 1990s." This is probably a small demographic of people (although I know you exist out there somewhere and probably have your own tumblr account or maybe a con).

I would have preferred to watch Sharknado with others but I know in my heart of hearts that most of my friends cannot and will not sit through this movie no matter how much I bribe them (homemade cookies! or marshmallows!) or if they've had too much to drink. Pumpkin was disinterested (to say the least). So I tackled Sharknado on my own. I did not have a chainsaw (like 90210 Steve) nor did I have a ingenious idea to stop the sharknadoes. It was just me, my notebook, and my love of the ridiculous.

There are lots of things I absolutely love about Sharknado. Here are the most important things you need to know about Sharknado (And there are "spoilers" - seriously, it's a movie about tornadoes that drop sharks on people. If you don't know how this is going to play out, I can't help you.)

1. The movie begins on a boat somewhere off the coast of Mexico. There are shady dealings on this boat and lots of stereotypes. I like to think that the sharks that attack the boat are really there to exact revenge for the real sharks in the world who are poached and action movie stereotypes. 
2. It's Ian Zerring - Steve from the original cast of Beverly Hills, 90210. He's almost 50 (this will be important in a few minutes) but still looks like he could hang out at the Peach Pit. Although people would probably find him a tad bit creepy. He's the hero/surfer/bar owner of this tale. 
3. Oh John Heard! What happened? You were the hot zoologist in Cat People, the attractive and affable dad in the Home Alone franchise - when did you decide to be the Gary Busey of SyFy movies? At least you saved a lady and her dog with your bar stool before your untimely shark death.
4. Did 90210 Steve just kill a shark with a surfboard?
5. "Sharks don't like vegemite?" 90210 Steve to Baz, his Aussie friend, after Baz is mauled by a shark.
6. Do people in this movie not watch the news? All throughout the movie I kept thinking, "Why was no evacuation plan put in place?" I know the state of California has plans in place for significant events like massive earthquakes so why was nothing put in place? And why was no one watching television? This seems totally weird to me. I mean, I don't expect any governments to have a sharknado plan but I do expect a certain amount of emergency preparedness even in a movie like this. 
7. "Don't forget taco Tuesdays." Maybe they can have shark taco Tuesdays next week. Just saying...
8. For real, a shark was just killed with a pool cue. By a waitress named Nova who has unresolved shark issues. 
9. Please note that the Ferris Wheel at the Santa Monica can kill you if it becomes untethered (unmoored?) during a sharknado. 
10. 90210 Steve and company decide to go to Beverly Hills (ha!) to check on his wife and kids even though he's not really part of the family anymore and Tara Reid (his wife) has a new boyfriend. And his daughter hates him. And his son is in Van Nuys at flight school (also important to the plot). What we need to learn from this is: A. 90210 Steve is a good father. B. He and Tara Reid seem really young to have such old children (he's 49, she's 37 so the math is okay) and C. His family is the worst. He should have just stuck with the waitress, the drunk, and the Australian.
11. And they take the 405! Freeway jokes, in spite of sharknadoes, are the best.
12. "There are sharks out there. You don't have to go out there." John Heard (before his epic death scene)
13. "By the way, I'm not a stripper." Nova (who's name is actually Jenny) I can't blame Tara Reid for thinking this at the start but clearly Nova is here to fall in love with Tara's flight school attending son so she and 90210 Steve can get back together at the end of the movie. Don't you watch movies ever?
14. If anyone has a definitive list of all the ways sharks are killed in this movie, I would love to see it. I counted surfboard, pool cue, gun, bookcase, gun, and bomb. I'm sure I missed a few along the way. There was a lot going on.
15. 90210 Steve, Tara, and their daughter - is this really the best time to discuss his involvement in your lives? There are sharks swimming in your living room and your boyfriend (Tara Reid) was just eaten. Get the eff out of your house now. 
16. Also, why is Tara Reid wearing a white sweater? And why did it never look dirty? She waded through bloody water at one point. The sweater should not be that white anymore.
17. Is 90210 Steve really repelling down a bridge to save children from a bus in shark infested waters? 
18. "I hate sharks. I'm from Wyoming." The bus driver/actor before his meets his untimely death in the most ironic yet saw it coming moment of the movie (so it's probably not really ironic at all).
19. How long do sharks live outside of water?
20. Government paranoia is rampant in this movie. The liquor store guy even claims that they know what kind of cheese he likes. And the sharknado was caused by global warming. 
21. I know understand why celebrities and the very wealthy drive Hummers.
22. Best dialogue: Nova: Why is there a retirement home next to an airport? Claudia (90210 Steve's daughter): Because old people can't hear.
23. Let's talk science for a moment: I know very little about the science of tornadoes let alone sharknadoes but I am certain that dropping bombs into the tornadoes from a helicopter will not "equalize" the tornado and cause it to disappear. And real talk, wouldn't that just mean the sharks would fall to the ground faster and kill more people? Did we really think this through?
24. Sharks killed Nova/Jenny's grandpa. So sure, she's game to throw bombs into a tornado from a helicopter flown by a dude she just met who isn't really a pilot. And she also likes him.
25. The shark vs. chainsaw scene is epic and awesome as a stand alone scene but honestly is even better within the action of the movie. You should really watch the build up to this scene to really get the weight of what just happened. 
26. "I really hate sharks." Nova. The sun comes up, the family is reunited, Nova has a new boyfriend (probably), and improbable activities stop improbable weather. And L.A. goes back to having to just worry about earthquakes.

There you have it - everything you need to know about Sharknado but were afraid to ask. I hope I didn't ruin it for you. Did I enjoy this movie? Absolutely. It was everything I expected from a movie called Sharknado and more. Will I watch it again? Only with a group of friends, some wine, and my suspension of disbelief firmly in place.

Because sharks and tornadoes

I loved the tv show Mystery Science Theater 3000 (or MST3K for us cool kids). Comedy Central ran the show when I was in high school and the Sci-Fi Channel (before their re-branding as SyFy) ran it for three seasons after that. The show was awesome: an evil scientist traps a guy and some robot sidekicks in space and they have to watch really terrible movies (you know for science). Instead of just watching them, they add their own commentary to the movie. Joel, the guy (and later Mike), Crow, Tom Servo, and Gypsy were the freaking best. It's because of MST3K that I've seen Steve Reeves movies, Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, Cave Dwellers, and Zombie Nightmare. I think that Lazy Movie Weekend is my blog version of MST3K. Anyone who has ever watched a movie with me (particularly one I love) knows that this is what I do when I watch movies. I can't help myself. I blame Tom Servo.

I have an affection for terrible movies like some people have affection for hedgehogs or superheroes. Seriously, I wrote an entire post about Xanadu. I don't understand why people don't like that movie - it's amazing (and awful all at the same time). MST3K wasn't my only source for B movies. There was also Morgus on tv in New Orleans (a fantastic mad scientist played by Sid Noel Rideau). Before the USA network decided to run NCIS marathons all the time, it was the home of Up All Night and marathons of terrible movies like the Swamp Thing movies or Troll 2 or any creature feature made in the 50s and 60s. And WGN out of Chicago (that everyone seems to have with cable), ran the classic Universal creature features like Dracula, The Mummy, and Frankenstein. These are not scary movies - there's a certain amount of creepiness in many of them and certainly some of the most inventive uses of low budget special effects out there but they're fairly tame movies in terms of the creep factor. One of my favorite parts of watching these movies was to try to spot where the costume didn't quite make it to the end of an actor's arm or cover their entire neck. Most of these movies are thin on plot, big on horrible dialogue, and always have a fairly attractive cast that's put into some kind of peril or has to save the world from radioactive, giant spiders (or ants) or robots. There's always a neat resolution at the end where the scientist character tells the remaining characters (and us) how the giant spider came to be or how the robots rose up and took over. I loved them as a teenager and I love them now. I honed my suspension of disbelief skills by watching these movies. I feel like this skill helps me most when I watch romantic comedies.

Anyway, I was at a work event in Florida this week so I've basically been out of the loop on everything since Monday. I happen to love this particular work event but I also miss sunshine and sleeping. My flight was delayed so I didn't get home until close to 1 am (and I got up and went to work on Friday because I'm a boss). I was traveling with Kyli, a friend and fellow trainer. Kyli and I are have similar travel styles so despite our delay and other people's inability to navigate airports and maybe the rudest person I've ever encountered at an airport Starbucks, we managed to have a good time and a few laughs along the way. At one point, Kyli was looking through her Facebook newsfeed and saw all these posts about sharknadoes. Neither of us had any idea what anyone was talking about.

We missed out on the greatest movie event ever - SyFy's Sharknado.

When she first said it, I couldn't decide if Kyli was talking about some kind of massive shark death somewhere, something related to Shark Week, or an obscure weather phenomenon. I mean, no one knew what a derecho was until two years ago so why not a sharknado? I was also very tired so I also thought I might have misheard her. Kyli looked up "sharknado" on Google and we discovered that it's a movie about sharks being sucked into tornadoes and then being dropped out of the sky where they promptly eat people. Or are killed by Steve from Beverly Hills, 90210. The Twitter comments I saw last night were awesome - Mia Farrow was even watching. Sharknado owned social media in a way that Hollywood blockbusters only dream about. I think this review just about sums it up.

I'm not entirely sure where to start with the idea behind Sharknado and you know what? It doesn't matter. Movies (and books and tv shows) are there to help us escape from the dailiness of our lives. Had a bad day? Watch Waiting for Guffman or Tommy Boy because if Corky and fat guy in a little coat don't make you laugh than you have no soul. Break up with your boyfriend? Music & Lyrics or Say Anything both work. You'll cry but you'll also laugh and a little bit of your faith in love will be restored. Need to prepare for the impending zombie apocalypse? Simon Pegg's got you covered; Shaun of the Dead is really the only zombie prep movie you need to watch.

I've had a long week of presenting, standing for long periods of time, and smiling a lot (smiling is not always my favorite) so going home to watch Sharknado would have been the ideal activity for me to do. But Sharknado is not on again until Thursday. I'm not entirely sure what I will do with my time between now and then. Thanks to Kyli, I have lots of Buzzfeed articles to keep me entertained.

I have seen the only part of the movie that probably matters: the shark versus 90210 Steve and his chainsaw. It is exactly what I expected from a movie called Sharknado starring Tara Reid, 90210 Steve, and John Heard (who was in an equally terrible movie in the 80s called Cat People - it may get its on LMW treatment at some point). Please let there be a sequel.

Warning: this is a little gross so maybe don't watch it if you're eating breakfast or something that is red. Or you don't like the use of chainsaws in unexpected ways.  UPDATE: Apparently the video below has been removed. You can watch the scene over on SyFy's official movie page.

All we need now is Joel, the bots, and some popcorn.