Lazy Movie Weekend: Dammit, Mahoney!

There are three things you should know about me before you continue reading this edition of Lazy Movie Weekend:

1. I watched a lot of age inappropriate movies when I was younger (say between the ages of 11-14). My parents are in no way to blame for this; I'm sneaky. This horrifies my mother to this day.
2. Since I don't have cable anymore, I rely on Netflix and Prime Video for my televised entertainment, so I've been binge watching random shows and re-watching a ton of movies.
3. Once I start down an entertainment path, I can't stop until I reach the end. I will watch all twelve seasons of Murder, She Wrote. Oh yes, I will. 

I don't remember the first time I watched Police Academy. The movie was released in 1984, so I was only five years old. I'm guessing it was around the time the fifth movie, Police Academy 5: Assignment Miami Beach was released, so 1988. This was the 1980s: there was no rating system on cable television, USA Up All Night existed, and if your house had a second television in the paneled basement, chances are you got away with watching whatever as long as you went to bed on time. I've watched so many ridiculous and terrible movies in my lifetime, but I can honestly say I love them all. For every Troll 2, there is a Moving Violations. One is just bad, the other has some redeeming value. Or better yet, there's a UHF.

I love the Police Academy movies. Yes, there are a lot problems with these movies that I can talk about at length, and will talk about a bit today, but at the end of the day, they're the perfect example of one of my favorite sub-genres of 1980s comedies: the misfits/ragtag group of (insert whatever they are) band together to save something (the day, community center, city) by (break-dancing, selling cookies, being police officers). If you tell me a movie is about a ragtag group doing something good for their community, I will watch the hell out of that movie. I like movie citizens being good citizens, especially if they do it in a zany way.

Since I've been relying on streaming services for television entertainment since I moved, I've found myself watching the most random mix of movies and shows. This week, I watched High Spirits, a terrible movie from 1988, which stars Steve Guttenberg, Darryl Hannah, Liam Neeson, Beverly D'Angelo, and Peter O'Toole. It's a comedy about an Irish castle that's trying to save itself from closing by inventing ghosts, when if fact, it already has them. Hilarity ensues. I also watched Girls Just Want to Have Fun, featuring the amazing Helen Hunt. For whatever reason, watching High Spirits made me wonder if the Police Academy movies were available on either service. I hit the actual jackpot: all seven movies are currently on Netflix. I don't know if Netflix is listening in on my conversations or knows how much I love these movies and wanted to give me a present. I don't even care. I spent the week watching all seven movies, and it was wonderful. And yes, that means I watched five movies starring Steve Guttenberg in one week. Not all heroes wear capes.

I'm not going to go the traditional LMW route with a long list of each movie and what's going on when. I don't want to write about these movies for the next seven weeks. Instead, I thought I'd talk through some of the highlights and low lights of the series. One note: this was the first time I watched the seventh movie, Police Academy: Mission to Moscow. It came out in 1994, and I was past watching these movies on the regular by then. Let's grab some donuts (couldn't help myself), and dive in for Police Academy.

• As I mentioned, my favorite sub-genre of 1980s and 1990s movies is the misfits/ragtag group of people banding together to save whatever it is that needs saving. Why wouldn't we eventually get to a police version of this? In every movie in the series, the cadets and eventually officers save the day. From riots to gangs to the governor being kidnapped the Police Academy team is your go-to group of misfit cops.
• Carey Mahoney - the leader of the group. We live in a world where Steve Guttenberg was once considered a sex symbol (that's literally the premise of Three Men and a Baby). In addition to the early Police Academy movies, he was also in Cocoon, Short Circuit, and Diner. He had a long stage career and would eventually get into directing and producing (his production company is named after his high school drama teacher). In the early movies, Mahoney was the troublemaker, the one leading the madcap adventures, and stealing hearts. Kim Cattrall and Sharon Stone both play love interests for him. He's loyal to Commandant Lassard (more on him in a minute) and you can see how much fun the core cast must have had making these movies. They have a true rapport and Guttenberg's Mahoney is a big reason for that.
• The women of Police Academy. It would be easy to dismiss these movies because of some of the more problematic elements within them, specifically the movies "comedic" take on race and gender. In re-watching these movies, I realized how powerful the women actually are. I'm not claiming the Police Academy movies are feminist, but none of these women need to be saved nor do they take the nonsense lightly. Leslie Easterbrook (Callahan) and Marion Ramsey (Hooks) are tough in their own ways, and take no shit from any of these men, both on the force and criminals. Sharon Stone plays a journalist in the fourth movie, and she ends up flying a plane to help catch prisoners who've planned a jailbreak. The women of Police Academy should have their own movie. I'd watch a Callahan/Hooks spin-off in a heartbeat. 
• Lovable, bumbling Commandant Lassard. If you watched Punky Brewster as a kid, you knew George Gaynes as the foster dad on the show. That was one of my favorite shows, and he was the perfect blend of curmudgeon and lovable tv dad. He played Lassard, the lovable but accident prone leader of the Police Academy in every movie. The officers all love him and want to help him be successful. He also has a pet goldfish he takes everywhere, and is probably one of the franchise's best sight gags. He's everyone's grandpa. Gaynes died in 2016 so he won't be making an appearance in the new movie if it ever happens. I hope maybe Mahoney gets to be the new Commandant. 
• The best villain and sidekick combo in a comedy series - Captain Harris and Proctor. G.W. Bailey is hilarious as Captain Harris, the scheming foil to Commandant Lassard. He wants to be in charge of the Police Academy so badly that he will get in the way no matter what. Proctor is his equally inept sidekick. They provide some of the best laughs in the movies and the cadets always manage to make a joke out of them. His spin as a ballerina in the seventh movie made that movie worth watching. If the Police Academy movies aren't enough G.W. Bailey for you, check him out in the first Mannequin movie.
• The supporting cast. Bubba Smith (Hightower), David Graf (Tackleberry), Marion Ramsey (Hooks), Michael Winslow (Jones), and Leslie Easterbrook (Callahan) appear in most, if not all, of the movies in the franchise. They each bring a fun element to the movie from Hightower's tough guy who's really a sweetheart to Tackleberry's gun nut, these movies don't work without this group. Bobcat Goldthwait was even in three of the movies. Ensemble casts can be challenging, but there's a lot of balance in the movies. We know Guttenberg and Matt McCoy are the "stars," but they can't do it alone.
• Matt McCoy, the poor man's Steve Guttenberg. Guttenberg left the franchise after the fourth movie, and Matt McCoy took his place in the fifth and sixth installments as Lassard's nephew Nick. While not as good as Mahoney, Nick has a a certain late 1980s hero's charm about him. He was also the husband in The Hand That Rocks the Cradle. Try watching that movie after seeing him in these movies; it's so hard to take him seriously.
• I randomly know someone who was in the third movie. Back in college and right after, I worked as box office manager for a musical theatre company, Summer Lyric Theatre (SLT). One summer, we did a production of The Sound of Music, and Ed Nelson was cast at Captain Von Trapp. Nelson is probably best known for playing Michael Rossi on the tv series of Peyton Place. He was born New Orleans, went to Tulane, and eventually made it as an actor in Los Angeles. He eventually came back to New Orleans and that's when I met him at SLT. Nelson played the governor in the third movie, who gets kidnapped during a battle of the police academies, and of course, Mahoney and team save the day. I never got to ask him about being in the movie, but it's fun to see him in the movie. He passed away in 2014 after a long acting and teaching career. 
• The seventh movie, Mission to Moscow. I didn't see this movie when it was released in 1994. I watched it for the first time today. It's exactly what you think a movie about the Russian police bringing Lassard's team to Russia to help stop a Russian mobster will be. Did I mention the Russian mobster is played by Ron Perlman (yes, Hellboy) and that Claire Forlani (her feature film debut) and Christoper Lee are also in the cast? The mobster has created a video game that's taken the world by storm, and wants to create a new version that will install a code on every machine it's played on so he can get access to all computers everywhere. Yes, this move about computer fraud and a phishing scheme...in 1994. I like this one better than Assignment Miami Beach, but not as much as Citizens on Patrol. 

There's been talks for the last few years that an eighth movie, Police Academy: Next Generation is in the works. The original production team is on board, and Steve Guttenberg is named as the director. It would be interesting to see what kind of shenanigans the newest team of misfits would get involved in. I would be 100% here for it. 

I don't know if Netflix and Prime Video are reading this or listening to my conversations, but if you're taking requests, here are some of my favorites that I would love to see again (yes, a few of these can be rented on Prime, but I need them to be included in my membership):

• Feds - Rebecca De Mornay and Mary Gross as FBI recruits? Sign me up!
• Moving Violations - a movie about traffic school featuring the youngest (I think) Murray brother, John in the lead role.
• Modern Girls - Daphne Zuniga, Virginia Madsen, Clayton Rohner, Cythina Gibb & shenanigans around L.A. - what more do you want in a movie? 
• Just One of the Guys -The bad guy from Karate Kid is in this movie being an even bigger asshole, so you know it's going to be a great movie. 
• Plain Clothes - Another favorite sub-genre of mine: adult (usually a dude) goes undercover in high school to solve a crime and ends up falling in love with a teacher. 
• Pump Up the Volume - I have this movie on DVD, but not everyone is so lucky. It's basically a movie about students' rights to education and free speech packaged as a Christian Slater movie with a killer soundtrack. 
• Sing - the 1989 Peter Dobson/Lorraine Bracco musical, not the cartoon. Yes, Lorraine Bracco was in a musical about a New York City high school about to close, but of course, the students band together to try to save. Musical version of my favorite sub-genre of movies. 

Lazy Movie Weekend: There's Something About Jessica

In the last year or so, I've witnessed two different people stop along the side of a busy county parkway to pick up a bag of garbage someone else left on the side of the road (or maybe it fell out of the bed of a truck). Both people put the bag of garbage in the truck of their car, and drove off to dispose of the garbage and feel good about doing their part to help keep our lovely county nice and clean. Being a good citizen is a beautiful thing.

Both times, my brain went in the exact opposite direction when I witnessed both of these good citizens being good citizens. Because I have consumed a steady television diet of procedural dramas and true crime documentaries, I immediately thought to myself, "What if there's a body or body parts in those bags? They just put body part garbage bags in their trunks AND their fingerprints are all over the bags, so if the bag is found in the dump and the police analyze it, they're going to be a suspect in a murder all because they were being good citizens." This is legitimately how my brain works. I would never, ever pick up a bag of trash on the side of the road because I've seen every episode of CSI at least three times and I know better. Marg Helgenberger has taught me well.

I know, I know. My brain is a weird place to exist. Just last week, one of my co-workers asked me something and when I answered in an oddly specific way, he looked at me like I was an alien. Everyone has their own way of thinking, and apparently, my brain likes to go the true crime route in most situations. I don't know why, but that's how it works. The most recent incident happened not too long after I started watching season one of Murder, She Wrote on Amazon Prime. My inner Jessica Fletcher, because we all have one, is on overdrive.

Murder, She Wrote was a drama series that ran on CBS from 1984-1996, back when tv shows had over twenty episodes each season and you had to be home in time to watch or tape a show so you wouldn't miss out. It starred international treasure Angela Lansbury as a retired English teacher from a small Maine town who becomes a famous mystery writer and helps whatever local police force solve murders whenever she happens to stumble into a situation where a murder occurs. And one occurs all the time. It doesn't matter if she's in her little hometown of Cabot Cove or jet-setting around the world, murder seems to follow Jessica everywhere. And she's always a step ahead of the police and always unmasks the killer.

I haven't watched an episode of Murder, She Wrote since the early 1990s. I used to watch it with my grandma when we'd visit Detroit. She liked mysteries and horror fiction (me and my brother got into horror fiction because of her). I decided not to get cable when I moved, so I've been relying on Netflix and Amazon Prime for my entertainment. I've binged Schitt's Creek, AJ & the Queen, the Aaron Hernandez docuseries, and the Netflix docuseries about the cat killer who internet sleuths tracked online after he killed an actual person. I stumbled upon Murder, She Wrote as I was building my watchlist on Prime, and decided to dive in last week. I know how to rock a Friday night - Murder, She Wrote, wine, and a cat snoring. Perfection.

Anyway, I'm not even done with season one and I'm completely overwhelmed by the sheer number of famous people who were on this show. There's an entire Wikipedia page devoted to guest stars of the show. Here's a quick sample of the guest stars so far (I'm on episode 14):

• Jose Ferrer
• Martin Landau
• Lynn Redgrave
• Lorna Luft 
• Genie Francis
• Jerry Orbach
• Leslie Nielson
• Gabe Kaplan (there was another guy from Welcome Back, Kotter on a separate episode)
• Milton Berle
• Jeff Conway
• Vickie Lawrence 
• Andy Garcia
• Robert Goulet
• Jo Anne Worley

Depending on how many seasons I decide to watch, I'll be treated to guest appearances by Armand Assante, Michael Beck, George Clooney, Maxwell Caufield (freaking Rex Manning), Piper Laurie, and Janet Leigh. Was appearing on Murder, She Wrote the hot, hip thing to do in the 1980s? I don't know, but I'm 100% behind this.

Guest star awesomeness aside, I'm intrigued by the overall concept of Jessica Fletcher. One fan theory posits that Jessica is, in fact, a serial killer. If you only look at the Cabot Cove episodes, over 200 murders occur over the course of the series in town with a population under 4000 people. Does death just follow this woman or is she really a devious serial killer, leaving death and destruction in her wake? If she's not the killer, it's very possible her nieces and nephews are. Her nephew, Grady, is involved in two cases in season one and would go on to be a recurring character throughout the rest of the series. Two of her nieces and a cousin are also involved in cases. How does so much murder find one family?

Jessica is a lady about the world. She's a widow and doesn't have any children of her own, so she travels all over the place. After her writing career takes off, she goes to New York, Los Angeles, San Francisco, Boston, New Orleans, and some random island in the Mediterranean. She has friends and family everywhere and is such a jet-setter. She helps two Russian ballerinas defect to the US, and ends up in Congress after the congressman from her state ends up dead. She also solves his murder, and helps the other congressman (who just so happens to be the dad from The Monster Squad) from Maine pass a bill to protect the cove.

Did I also mention that all the old, rich dudes on this show want to get together with Jessica? Her energy, her smarts, and her quick wit are like catnip to these dudes. I admire her ability to flirt without being awkward (not my skill set). She's never prim, but always proper and it's so much fun to watch her let go in her very Jessica Fletcher sort of way. She never loses her cool, and never gives too much away. There's something very feminist about her, although I doubt she'd be the first person to come to mind when you think feminist heroes, but the pieces are all there. Smarts, a photographic memory, awesomeness, nerves of steel, crime solving skills - Jessica Fletcher is my hero. She would appreciate my apprehension at picking up garbage bags on the side of the road. And if we followed those body part containing garbage bags to the dump, Jessica would find the killer in no time, putting the local police to shame with her mad skills.

Do yourself a favor, and spend your weekend solving mysteries with Jessica Fletcher. You'll be glad you did.

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Lazy Movie Weekend/Your Resident Single Friend: Woman in Peril

Regular visitors to the Island know I take my Lazy Movie Weekend duties seriously. I watched all six Sharknado movies so you didn't have to. That's how much I care about your movie watching; I watch crap movies so you don't have to waste your time. I grew up on a steady diet of B horror movies, 80s teen comedies, and musicals. I'm really good at suspending disbelief. I own Troll 2 on DVD AND have seen the documentary about the movie. I have seen the Ghoulies movies and Killer Klowns from Outerspace more than once. I will legit watch Teen Witch every time it's on. I love a terrible movie.

Which is why getting an email from Netflix a week or so ago about a new movie release should have been my jam. Just the name is enough to entice the bad movie fan in me: Secret Obsession. Is it a woman in peril movie? Does the main character have a weird collection of dolls that live in her house and it's creepy to go in because they're always watching you? Is it about a person with a secret family? What about a cult movie? You know I love movies about cults.

If you guesses "woman in peril" you are correct. Secret Obsession is about a woman named Jennifer who wakes up in a hospital after having been in an accident. She doesn't remember anything because her head injury has caused amnesia. When she wakes up, a man claiming to be her husband is there. She doesn't remember him, but his knowledge of her back tattoo is enough personal information for the hospital to accept the fact that this dude is her husband. Apparently, they're a sister hospital to the one in the original version of Overboard (it was a birthmark in that movie). Dennis Haysbert, the only actor in this movie I know, plays a detective investigating the case. Of course, he has some dark past and it makes him a workaholic. There's also a guy in dark shadows whose purpose we never understand, a nurse who is probably going to get sued along with the entire hospital staff for their poor job of vetting the husband, and some other police officers who don't seem to have anything better to do, but rag on Dennis Haysbert. The "husband" is blandly handsome, as are all leading men in women in peril movies, and his facial hair is questionable. (The actor who played the "husband" was in the movie The Help. He's the second most famous person in this movie, but I had to look that up so it doesn't count).

Given what I've shared, you probably know how this going to go down. Jennifer, played by Brenda Song (from Disney Channel shows), eventually figures out things are not what they seem and starts to fight for her life. In addition to her head injury, she also had a broken foot (I think), so a lot of the movie is her limping around and getting up and down a flight of steps super fast for an injured person. We learn that the fake husband killed four people, including her real husband and her parents. Seriously, he killed her parents. These aren't so much spoilers as things you probably knew happened, but were just waiting for confirmation. It ends as these movies always end, with a contrived attempt by the cop to save the day and the bad guy getting what he deserves. NPR reviewed the movie, and hit on everything I feel about this movie. Thanks, NPR.

I've been thinking a lot about this movie since watching it, and I'm left with two questions:

1. Why did Netflix send me an email about Secret Obsession? I love when Netflix reminds me about upcoming new seasons of shows I watch like Stranger Things and Queer Eye, but what about my viewing history says "Watching this terrible movie about a dude who thinks it's okay to kill people to get the woman he "loves" to notice him and love him back is how I would like to spend my Sunday evening"? My Netfilx viewing habits are pretty focused on a few Netflix original shows, GBBO, some Netflix original movies, cat documentaries, and any programming about cults. Is it because I fit into specific demographic? Is it because I watched one of their terrible holiday movies? Did everyone with a Netflix account get that email? 
2. When did Netflix decide to become Lifetime? Lifetime was built on the women in peril genre. Sure, broadcast networks used to do a "Movie of the Week" or "Saturday Afternoon Movie" that was usually a woman in peril movie, but Lifetime really cornered the market on this genre. I would estimate 80% of its programming is women in peril movies. The other 20% is split between Designing Women reruns, poorly cast biopics, and holiday movies. I was so surprised when they started doing holiday movies; it seemed so out of character for them. And I'm not knocking Lifetime. I've watched these movies for years, and I know they will always supply me with my fix. They're also responsible for some decent movies like the movie version of Reviving Ophelia and they aired the documentary, Surviving R. Kelly. The upcoming Patsy Cline/Loretta Lynn biopic looks promising. Netflix has had a pretty good track record of original movies lately, most notably Wine Country and Always Be My Maybe (which is my favorite movie of 2019). This is why I don't get the existence of Secret Obsession. Is it as NPR suggests; is Netflix trying to dominate all genres and niche markets? Did someone complain that there weren't any women in peril movies available on the streaming service (PS: there are)? Did whoever greenlights movies for Netflix have a bad day? I don't understand.

At the end of watching this movie, I texted my friend Emily. We exchanged messages about the movie earlier in the week after having both received the email. She watched it a few days before me, and confirmed that I predicted the plot from just watching the trailer. One of my texts to her was about how this movie promotes a culture of toxic masculinity. As I watched this movie, that was all I could think of. Not the terrible acting or predictable plot, but that this dude created a situation in which he couldn't take no for an answer. Jennifer didn't know he was "in love" with her. She married a man she loved. Fake husband couldn't see that as a no. He killed her husband and her parents. When she figured out he wasn't who he said he was, he hit her and chained her to a bed. If she hadn't killed him, he would have killed her. That's how this always ends. I can make fun of Netflix and Dennis Haysbert, but at the end of the day, this is what I walked away with after watching this movie. 

As much as I love watching terrible movies, I think I have to stop watching women in peril movies. Like procedural dramas, I've had enough of them and their sister genre, cutesy holiday movies. My need for them has passed. While I'll think fondly of the times we had together, our relationship has come to an end. People change, and I can't watch these movies anymore. The fun is gone. They just make me sad and a little angry. I guess it's back to cult documentaries and baking shows for me.

Next time on the Island: I discuss how I'm doing everything wrong when it comes to parties. 

Lazy Movie Weekend: What Happens in Vegas...

I'm not a Las Vegas person. I've been to Vegas three times, and can safely say it's not my jam. I'm not into gambling, buffets, or overpriced shows. If I want to pay a lot of money to see a musical, I'll go to New York. My favorite Vegas memory would be from my third trip, a work trip. I got in later than planned, so by the time I got to the car rental counter, only two cars were left. Who knew in a 24/7 town like Las Vegas, Enterprise would run out of cars? Anyway, I was first in line with a reservation and priority status in front of two guys who also had a reservation, but not priority status. The rental agent gave me the option of a white minivan or a Toyota Corolla. I, being the really amazing human I am, took the minivan. I hope those guys had a great time and participated in the types of shenanigans that people who drive Toyota Corollas get involved in. I don't know what those shenanigans are, but I'm sure they're super fun. Viva Las Vegas...or something.

While Vegas isn't my vacation jam, I do enjoy watching movies and tv shows set in Vegas. I have been known to spend the better part of day watching reruns of the original CSI. I may or may not have recorded an episode yesterday because it was a Lady Heather episode. She was one of the best featured characters in that show's history. Las Vegas on camera, even on a show like CSI, always looks so full of possibilities. It's shiny and glamorous, despite the fact that people die in very weird ways according to CSI. Anything can happen in Las Vegas, and a very attractive CSI team will be on the case should the thing that happens be terrible and lead to a homicide.

My four favorite Vegas movies are Viva Las Vegas, Casino, Ocean's Eleven (2001), and Ocean's Thirteen. Of these movies, I'll watch the two Ocean's movies anytime they're on. They're part of a small group of movies that I'm incapable of not watching, even if edited for television. Also included in this group are You've Got Mail, Legally Blonde, and Funny Girl. There's a certain comfort in watching these movies, but also now that I've seen them dozens (maybe hundreds) of times, I can do other things while watching. I know what's going to happen, so if I walk away for few minutes, it's okay.

The Steven Soderbergh version of Ocean's Eleven is a remake in that it's a heist movie set in Las Vegas and the leader of the gang is a guy named Danny Ocean. The 1960 version starred Frank Sinatra, Sammy Davis, Jr., Dean Martin, Peter Lawton, and the rest of the Rat Pack. To say that it's self-indulgent film would be too nice. The Rat Pack were playing shows in Vegas at night so they decided to make a movie. It's kind of boring; even Julia Roberts has been quoted as saying she fell asleep trying to watch the original. If you really feel the need to watch the original, I might recommend watching the HBO movie The Rat Pack instead. Don Cheadle plays Sammy Davis, Jr., so there's that. The movie is mentioned at some point, and William Peterson plays JFK. His handsomeness far outweighs watching Sinatra and company gallivant around Vegas.

Anyway, there are actually four Ocean's movies in the current series: Eleven, Twelve, Thirteen, and Eight. I've made the joke several times that the only way these movies could get better is with a musical version called Ocean's Five, Six, Seven, Eight. I'm still waiting for this to happen.

Part of the allure of Ocean's Eleven is how freaking cool it is. Danny Ocean walks out of prison in a tux. Rusty is teaching poker to teen idols, which is one of the funniest parts of the movie. Carl Reiner and Elliot Gould are part of the crew. Don Cheadle's accent is questionable, but still charming. Tess curates a museum in a casino, which is weird and cool at the same time. They're all super fashionable and handsome. It's a pretty movie to watch. Even Andy Garcia as the bad buy isn't all that bad. I like to imagine Terry Benedict is really just his character from the disastrous Godfather Part III in a different timeline. Just when you think they're going to get caught or the plan is going to fail, you realize it was all part of the plan from the start. Danny knows things. They all work together in a way that is both enviable and dazzling. It just works, and you believe every bit of it. Everything is for sale, and Danny and his crew use that to their advantage time and time again. Despite the fact that they're doing illegal things, I never want Danny and company to get caught. I want them to steal the money from Terry Benedict. Damn the man, save Vegas!

Ocean's Twelve is a garbage movie, so you have my permission to skip it entirely. The magic of Eleven and Thirteen have to do with Vegas. The location makes both movies seem plausible, because you expect ridiculous over the top scams to happen in Vegas. Taking the action to Europe and including Tess as part of the scam just doesn't work. It's boring, and Catherine Zeta-Jones is terrible. The only good thing about Ocean's Twelve is that Eddie Izzard is in the movie. That's it.

Ocean's Thirteen brings us back to where we belong - Vegas. Reuben, played perfectly by Elliot Gould in all four movies, has been wronged by casino owner Willy Bank (Al Pacino). The crew comes back together to pull off one more caper and ruin Bank in the process. The plot of this movie is more implausible than Eleven, but that makes it even more worth watching. The layers of the scam are truly amazing. I can't help but love every minute of this movie, from the ridiculous disguises to the revolution at a dice making plant to Linus's (Matt Damon) fake nose. Again, every time you think they're going to be caught, they make it through and the payoff is amazing. David Paymer is my favorite part of this whole movie; he has a truly Vegas ending. If you haven't seen any of these movies, watch them in order (skipping Twelve). You have to see them in order.

I saw Ocean's Eight with my parents as part of my birthday celebrations last year. I love this movie. It doesn't take place in Vegas, but still works completely. New York is another place that I don't love as much as everyone thinks I should. I love movies set in New York for almost exact same reason I love movies set in Las Vegas; it appears to be a magical place full of dreams and awesomeness. In Ocean's Eight, we meet Debbie Ocean, Danny's younger sister. She walks out of prison in an evening dress, so you know they're related. Debbie gets her gang together, an all female crew, to steal famous jewelry during the Met Gala. If the awesome cast wasn't enough (Cate Blanchett, Mindy Kaling, Helena Bonham Carter, Sarah Paulson, to name a few), the fashion is amazing. We're also treated to the genius that is Awkwafina. I want her to be in every movie. I like my heist movies with a healthy side of revenge, and we get that here in full effect. We also get Cate Blanchett doing her best Bowie, Reuben makes an appearance, and the ladies win in the end.

There's probably some deep psychological reason for why humans watch the same set of movies or tv shows over and over again. All I know is that I like fun things and three of the Oceans movies are super fun. It's nice to see super glamorous people do illegal things and get away with it. I feel no shame in wanting them to win.

If you don't have anything better to do this week, might I suggest my Vegas Movie Marathon? It's best watched while enjoying a cocktail and wearing your fanciest pajamas.

Erin's Vegas Movie Marathon 

1. Ocean's Eleven
2. Viva Las Vegas
3. Ocean's Thirteen
4. Casino 
5. The Rat Pack (this might be available on Netflix)
6. Vegas Vacation
7. Swingers (only a small part of the movie takes place in Vegas, but I group it here anyway)
8. Bonus movie: Ocean's Eight

Next week: We wrap up May with a look at what I did this month in my 40th year on Earth. Coming in June, we'll discuss actually turning 40, wearing a dress with rainbows, and celebrating one year with Keely!

Lazy Movie Weekend: Kickstart My Heart

One of my favorite Chuck Klosterman books is Fargo Rock City: A Heavy Metal Odyssey in Rural North Dakota. I think it was the first of Klosterman's books I read, and it was definitely the one that made me laugh out loud the most (my favorite is Killing Yourself to Live). Chuck grew up in rural North Dakota listening to the dulcet tones of every metal band you can name and many you probably can't. He breaks down the genres of metal and discusses his love of it all. One of my favorite sections is his discussion of Motley's Crue's album, Shout at the Devil and the title track. This was the Crue's second studio album and the one where they were accused being devil worshipers. Both Klosterman and the Crue would note that they weren't shouting with the Devil, but at the Devil. Subtle difference, but clearly not devil worship.

The 1980s were a magical time of, well, spandex, pop princesses, early rap stars, and the debauchery of the Sunset Strip and everything associated with it. As the opening narration of the Netflix movie The Dirt tells us, everything sucked about the 80s. I'm not sure I 100% believe that, but I get where movie Nikki Sixx is coming from; the 80s weren't great, but they were tolerable. Lots of really fun and fascinating pop culture comes from the 80s, including the wonder that is glam metal, or hair metal if you want to be a jerk about it. Glam metal is my favorite sub-genre of metal. It combines my love of loud/aggressive music with the sparkle and weirdness of glam music.

Glam metal had its beginning in the 1970s when KISS, Alice Cooper, and Cheap Trick (yes, they belong here) added theatrical elements to their performances and used costuming and makeup to create specific personas onstage. In the 80s, every other band was a glam metal band: Motley Crue, Def Leppard, Ratt, Twisted Sister, Van Halen (the David Lee Roth era), and Quiet Riot were some of the big names. Poison, Cinderalla, and Warrant would come later. This was the kind of music metal dudes could rock out to, but girls could dance to, so it was a perfect. I started listening to glam metal because my brother listened to it, and I was heavy into David Bowie/Roxy Music/T-Rex/70s punk bands so the pieces all sort of fit together. By the late 80s/early 90s, I was over boy bands and onto real music. Glam metal was a perfect.

I've seen a lot of these bands in concert, but at much later points in their careers. My second real concert was a Def Leppard concert in 1992 (I've seen them 3 times). I saw KISS, Motley Crue, and Alice Cooper at various times between 2008-2014. These show are among some of my favorite concerts; devoted fans, fun performances, and a commitment to a the glam metal aesthetic.

I shouldn't love the movie The Dirt as much as I do, but I can't help it. The 80s, particularly in the world of the Sunset Strip and glam metal bands, was about decadence and breaking rules and being the most rock and roll band you could be. That's why this movie is so perfect. It's based on the joint autobiography/oral history of the band of the same name (I haven't read it, but now I want to), and gives us some glimpses into the personal lives of the band before they became Motley Crue. We get to see Tommy Lee's super suburban family, and Nikki Sixx's crazy mother. We learn the name of Mick Mars's degenerative bone disease. I'm still trying to decide if Vince Neil was a kept man before joining the band; he had a rich girlfriend and it seemed like he might have been. Anyway, the movie moves from their humble beginnings in L.A. to their mega-stardom and inevitable crash. It's like a long-form VH1 Behind the Music, but one that was written by a super hormonal teenage boy who's been snorting coke and drinking Jack Daniels for a week.

This movie is not for everyone. If you don't want to watch Nikki Sixx shoot heroin into his neck or see the car crash that killed Hanoi Rocks drummer, Razzle Dingley, you probably shouldn't watch this movie. If lots of random sex and drug use and drinking bothers you, don't watch this movie. If cursing makes you clutch your pearls, definitely don't watch this movie. If you're cool with this or at least can tolerate it, grab a glass of Jack Daniels and settle in with me for The Dirt.

• "He makes a lot of bad choices." Nikki Sixx describing Tommy Lee during the intro voiceover. If ever there was an understatement, this is it. 
• "Mick Mars - he's an alien." Seriously, I love this movie and I'm on 5 minutes in.
• I never knew Tommy Lee came from such a ridiculously normal family. It's kind of crazy. I guess I thought he was raised by wolves in a parking lot or something similar.
• I have realized that because I'm sober, I'm too sober to watch this movie. I will continue on, but seriously, this movie would make a great drinking game. 
• Mick Mars will always be my favorite member of the band. Dude has a serious medical condition, but could play. He seems like a guy who could tolerate/participate in a lot of nonsense, but also needed his quiet time away from the party. He's played by probably the most well-known person in this movie, Iwan Rheon, from Game of Thrones. He is amazing in this role and my favorite part of the movie.
• When looking for a singer, the guys were looking for someone who would be a combination of David Lee Roth and David Bowie. They got Vince Neil, and I can see both Roth and Bowie in young Vince Neil.
• There's a lot of breaking of the fourth wall in this movie. Every member of the band does it, as do the band's manager, Doc, and the A&R guy from Elektra Records (played by Pete Davidson). 
• "Don't ever leave your girlfriend alone with Motley Crue." Probably the most accurate statement in this entire movie.
• I never realized how much Vince Neil and Rod Stewart had in common until I watched this movie. Neil is like the glam metal version of Stewart's man tart. 
• "Come have a talk with your Uncle Oz." The section with Ozzy Osbourne was spectacular. I don't doubt that any of this happened, but it's so bizarre that I have to wonder. When I saw Sabbath a few years ago, Ozzy reminded me of an old grandpa shuffling around in his pjs. This is not that Ozzy.
• Bless the Crue's manager, Doc. "Motley Crue did stupid things because they were Motley Crue." 
• Things shift dramatically for the band following the death of Razzle from Hanoi Rocks and Neil's first attempt at sobriety. This is also when Nikki Sixx discovers heroin and Tommy Lee meets Heather Locklear. 
• This is when the movie becomes a mix between Behind the Music but with more swearing, and a reality tv show. Tommy Lee's life on the road segment would have made great reality tv back in the day. 
• Nikki: "Is there even still a Persia?" Heroin Dealer: "There has to be; that's where the cats come from." This is the exchange before the dealer injects Nikki with the heroin that would kill him. But he didn't die die; he was revived. 
• This prompts the entire band to go to rehab. Where is the documentary about this? I mean, we got a documentary when Metallica went through group therapy together. I guess we got The Dirt so it's sort of the same thing. 
• After rehab, the band released Dr. Feelgood, their most successful album and one that lead to an epic tour. This epic tour would be the start of the decline of the band. 
• And then the movie turns super sad. Vince Neil's first wife leaves, taking their daughter with her. The daughter, Skylar, dies of cancer not too long after, at age four. It's the most emotional part of the movie, and does a lot to humanize Vince Neil. It was hard watching this part of the movie after everything that came before it.
• Nikki figures out his life, and begins apologizing to everyone. Mick gets his hip replaced. The band gets back together. They continued to perform as Motley Crue for 20 years after that. Just a bunch of dudes who like to play glam metal and be around one another. And we all learned a lesson...or something.

I've learned a lot of things from Motley Crue: the names of strip clubs; that I should not go away mad, but just go away; Nikki Sixx will always be the hottest member of the band; we all need to remember that it's our collective jobs to kickstart Vince Neil's heart; that shouting at the Devil is really effective. More than anything, the Crue showed us all that music doesn't always have to be serious. It can be about having a good time and doing wild stuff. Even when you eventually have to be a grown up, you can still rock out. So thank you, Motley Crue. Thank you for this self-indulgent, but also sort of sad movie. I don't know how all of you survived, but you did, and for that, I salute you. 

The Dirt cast image

Lazy Movie Weekend: Smiling is my favorite

Every family has their own unique holiday traditions. Maybe you ride out to the middle of nowhere to cut down a Christmas tree (please make sure you shake it really well before bringing it into the house to remove all the bugs that are living in the tree). Baking is a great holiday tradition - I love holiday baking! Maybe you're the kind of family who wears matching pajamas on Christmas morning or matching sweaters on Christmas day. I don't know your life, but I know that holiday traditions are important.
My family has Christmas traditions that span the mundane (we always have banana bread and citrus salad with maraschino cherries for breakfast on Christmas morning) to the exhausting (how many White House ornaments is too many White House ornaments?). We do a lot of baking, from cutout cookies that look like the Blues Brothers to incredibly involved holiday cakes. My dad always puts a toothbrush in our stockings (yes, I'm 39 and still get a stocking). We've never been traditional Christmas dinner people; we like to rotate countries for spice. If I had to pick my favorite holiday tradition, it would have to be our annual Christmas movie marathons. We've been doing this for years now, and it does not get old. I can watch these movies over and over again and never tire of them. As I've shared before, we keep to the classics for the most part, but typically add a new movie every now and then.

One of the best adds to the marathon also happens to be one of my favorite holiday movies, 2003's Elf. I consider it a grand accomplishment I was able to convince my brother, who doesn't like Will Ferrell, to add Elf to our rotation. He couldn't ignore the genius that is the movie. What is it about a giant man-elf that is so endearing and hilarious? Grab one of your favorite of the four food groups (candy, candy canes, candy corn, and syrup), and let's explore the magic of Elf.

1. Bob Newhart as Papa Elf, our narrator! Newhart is a national treasure. I'll fight anyone who disagrees. 
2. Ed Asner is the only person who should play Santa. It's like he was designed to play Santa. I think he's even been in a Hallmark movie as a meddling Santa. I love him. 
3. There are a ton of classic holiday movie references sprinkled throughout the movie, including the nod to stop-motion animation like that found in Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. I love the puffin and other fun animal friends; they should be in the movie more.
4. A question I've always had about this movie: did the orphanage look for Buddy? Did Santa let them know Buddy was at the North Pole? I mean, Papa Elf has a picture of Buddy's dad and seems to know a lot about him, so that makes me think Santa and the orphanage were in touch. Or they are the worst orphanage. 
5. Of course Papa Elf is in charge of Santa's sleigh. And of course, it used to run on holiday cheer. It make sense that the move to the turbine age had to happen; holiday cheer is hard to come by these days.
6. Y'all it's Ralphie! Yes, Ming-Ming is none other than Peter Billingsely, from the best Christmas movie of all time, A Christmas Story. "We all have special talents" is one of those quotes I think of when I spout off random movie trivia to people or explain the history of the historical markers of Virginia to my boss; we all have special talents. 
7. Shocker - Buddy is not an elf. No one saw this coming at all. 
8. Please enjoy this video of Leon Redbone (Leon the Snowman) singing "Frosty the Snowman" with Dr. John. 
9. Poor Buddy has to find out he's a human and that his human father is on the naughty list all at the same time. It's too much. 
10. "Does someone need a hug?" - step away from the trash panda, Buddy.
11. Apparently, several minor car accidents occurred while filming Buddy in the Lincoln Tunnel. I guess no one expects Will Farrell dressed as an elf in the Lincoln Tunnel.
12. Most of the scenes of Buddy experiencing New York for the first time were filmed with just Ferrell and director Jon Favreau paying people on the street to be in random scenes with Buddy.
13. The Empire State Building elevator scene! I used to do an exercise with new hires about elevator pitches and I'd always make a joke about Buddy. I told this joke to over 200 new people; I'm pretty sure only three of them laughed.
14.  Amy Sedaris! Another national treasure - she should be in every movie.
15. "What's a Christmas-gram?! I want one!" Buddy is one of the most quotable elves ever. 
16. James Caan as Buddy's dad could not be more perfect casting. It's awkward and odd and hilarious. Come for Will Ferrell, stay for James Caan.
17. "I just like to smile. Smiling's my favorite." Buddy somehow becomes a department store elf. Which leads to meeting Zoey Deschanel's Jovie, the manic pixie girl of this movie, a joke about The Santaland Diaries ("Did Crumpet put you up to this?"), and the most magical department store North Pole ever created. The Lite Brite welcome sign is my favorite.
18. James Caan's other son does a spot on impression of Caan. Michael is the best.
19. Buddy and Jovie sing "Baby, It's Cold Outside." The worst part of this scene is not the song (which is a little rape-y, but not that controversial), but that Buddy is randomly in the women's bathroom. 
20. Artie Lang as the Gimbel's Santa is so many shades of wrong, I don't know where to start. "You sit on a throne of lies!" "You smell like beef and cheese. You don't smell like Santa." The fight sequence was filmed in one take because it would take too long to rebuild the North Pole.
21. I'm pretty sure that paternity tests don't work the way they work in this movie. Can you get the results in an hour? That's not how this works. 
22. Also, where did Buddy's pajamas come from?
23. Buddy's breakfast - Ferrell really did eat that mess of sweet awfulness. He got sick on the first take and had to do it again.
24. Epic snowball fight! This snowball fight puts all Hallmark movie snowball fights to shame.
25. Buddy gets a date! And cuts down a tree in Central Park. Successful day.
26. Who knew the mail room could be so much fun?! "Syrup in coffee!" 
27. The cast keeps getting better: Andy Ritcher, Kyle from Tenacious D, Peter Dinklage. So much goodness in less than two hours. 
28. Buddy can't help himself upon meeting Dinklage's children's author character, Miles Finch. He calls Finch and elf which causes a fight and prompts Buddy to run away.
29. Are the Central Park Rangers a real thing? I feel like they should be. Santa crashes in the park, and it's up to Buddy and his family to help save the day.
30. Thankfully, Jovie shows up (just in time) to sing because as we all know, "the best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear."  Everyone starts to sing, the Claus-O-Meter goes off the charts and holiday cheer propels Santa on his way. It's like a Hallmark movie but with more cursing, kissing, and elf culture.

Christmas may not be my favorite holiday, but I love it a bit more once I watch Elf. 

Elf meme

What will the rest of December bring? Glitter purses and planning for my 40th year on Earth. It's going to be an exciting month!

Lazy Movie Weekend: Late Night Double Feature Picture Show

Fall has finally come to the wilds of Northern Virginia, so it's time to put on my unintentional Freddy Krueger sweater, eat way too many mellowcreme pumpkins, and settle in for evenings with my favorite Halloween movies. While I do love scary movies, my favorite Halloween movies tend to fall into one of three categories: scary comedies, creature features, and creepy movies. Creepy movies usually fall into the ghost story/psychological horror category rather than including things like psycho killers or possessed dolls. Give me a House on Haunted Hill or The Others over a Saw any day of the week. Granted, I enjoy all of the classic slasher movies, but stopped watching the countless remakes and the torture porn genre that came to popularity in the early 2000s. Not my thing, but by all means, go watch people be sewn together as a human centipede or cut their legs off to get out of Jigsaw's torture chamber. You do you when it comes to scary movies.

Scary comedies are probably my favorite of the three, since I don't feel the need to sleep with the lights on or watch cartoons after watching a scary comedy. Movies like Shaun of the Dead, Haunted Honeymoon, most of what's shown on Freeform during 31 Days of Halloween (yes, it's 31 days now because they understand that Halloween is superior to Christmas), and the entire Ghostbusters franchise are all part of this category. Most of these movies aren't that scary, but every now and then, there's a little spooky element to keep the audience on their toes. I also happen to love old school creature features like the ones Universal released in the 1930s and 1940s; The Wolf Man, Frankenstein, The Bride of Frankenstein, Dracula, and the original, non-Tom Cruise version of The Mummy are some of the best horror movies ever.

When I was younger, I was fearless about horror movies in a way that I'm not today. This is how I came to watch The Exorcist in my early teens, alone in the dark paneled basement of our townhouse in Burke. I'd watch anything once, and then be terrified later. In the mid-late 1990s, stations like USA, TBS, and WGN played midnight movies and local cable access stations still did a Saturday afternoon movie. It was usually a creature movie, from the 1950s or 1960s, so I saw my fill of Attack of the Killer Tomatoes, The Creature from the Black Lagoon, and all of The Toxic Avenger movies. It's also through these shows that I was introduced to movie hosts like Morgus (in New Orleans only), Joe Bob Briggs, and the greatest of all time, Elvira, Mistress of the Dark. They'd show movies, do commentary, and make fun of the terrible special effects, overacting, and thin plot lines of every movie. They also knew their horror, so I'd get recommendations for other things to watch, some of which I like (old school Vincent Price movies) and some of which I didn't (gore fests by some of the great Italian horror directors).

It also helps that my brother is horror fan too. It's from him that I get my love of Stephen King books and (most) movies. He tormented me with Freddy Krueger when we were younger, but that's part of the job of being a big brother. He'll go see horror movies with me if my friends don't want to, and loves a good zombie movie. As much as I have him to thank for my love all creepy, I know that I have wildly different tastes from him on a lot of these movies. He's not as big into classic horror as I am, and doesn't understand my love of cheesy sci-fi movies of the 1950s. I'll forgive him for that since he's the only person I can text during episodes of American Horror Story with ridiculous questions like "Why does the antichrist have to be a creepy Vampire Lestat/Willy Wonka/Glee club member reject? Why can't he just wear a hoodie and look like a normal person?" and he'll answer me honestly.

Anyway, for my first official Halloween post of October, I thought I'd return to my love of scary-ish comedies and revisit two movies from my childhood that I will love forever and will fight anyone who thinks they're terrible. I haven't really watched either of these movies as an adult and definitely never had anything to drink while watching either, so I thought instead of doing a complete breakdown of each movie, I'd watch them with a little wine and the eyes of an adult (since apparently I am one). So, grab your wine of choice, some popcorn, and maybe some mellowcreme pumpkins and join me for The Monster Squad (1987) and Elvira, Mistress of the Dark (1988).

The Monster Squad was called a lot of things when it was released in 1987, but a great movie was not one of them. Often compared to the more successful Goonies (the mom is the same in both movies, which is funny), The Monster Squad is, at its heart, an homage to the great Universal creature features of the 1930s. The big five villains, Dracula, Wolf Man, the Mummy, the Creature from the Black Lagoon, and Frankenstein's Monster, show up in a modern suburban town to find an amulet and bring about the end of the world. They don't anticipate the Monster Squad, a group of preteen monster movie fans who figure out the plan, and try to put a stop to Dracula's nefarious plan. Released a year later, Elvira, Mistress of the Dark is the type of movie Elvira would have watched on her show. She plays a version of herself, a horror hostess who wants to open a show on Vegas (Cassandra Peterson, the actress behind Elvira, was a Vegas showgirl in her early career). A long-lost great aunt dies and leaves Elvira her house, dog, and recipe book in Falwell, MA. She drives her custom Macabre Mobile (her badass Elvira car) to claim her inheritance and discovers she's actually the descendant of a powerful witch and has to use her powers to save the world from evil great uncle who wants to become an all-powerful being and rule the world.

Basically, these are two versions of the same movie. I've never watched them back to back before, so it wasn't until I planned my double feature that I realized the similarities within the plots. Most 80s movies were about a ragtag group of people trying to save the day, so it's not surprising that these two would share a similar plot. Obviously, they achieve their grand finales in very different ways and with very different stories along the way. Neither were particularly well-received at the box office, but both are huge cult favorites. There's a documentary out about The Monster Squad called Wolfman's Got Nards (which was almost the title of this post), focusing on the fandom of the movie (I haven't seen it yet, but it's supposed to be great). Elvira is a huge draw on the horror con circuit and is genuinely one of the nicest celebrities I follow on Twitter. She even had her own spectacular at Knottsberry Farm

What I love about these movies is how ridiculous they are, but how wonderfully connected to old school horror movies they are. There's nothing hipster-y or modern about either movie and this is exactly why I watch them. I feel like a kid again when I watch them, minus the dark paneled basement. That's Halloween to me: a little scary, a little silly, and always fun.

Happy Halloween! Pleasant Nightmares (as Elvira would say)!

Lazy Movie Weekend: Exile in Guyville

Last week, I put my old lady tendencies aside and stayed up (and out of my apartment) past 9 pm on a weeknight. Our one true queen, Liz Phair, was playing at the 9:30 Club and I couldn't miss the show for a little old thing like a good night's sleep. That would be very un-rock and roll of me.

Phair's debut album Exile in Guyville turned 25 this year. Us 90s girls remember that album, and revel in the experience of listening to it on repeat. For those not familiar with the album (shame on you), Phair has described it as a song for song response to The Rolling Stones' album Exile on Main Street (although not everyone gets that). At its heart, Guyville is about the female voice in the very male dominated 90s indie rock scene. Phair wrote songs that put her in the front rather than on the sidelines of the scene, as so many of her male counterparts wanted. She didn't play the entire album, but did include songs like "Mesmerizing," "Fuck & Run," "Stratford-On-Guy," and "Divorce Song."

When I arrived at the 9:30 Club, I was immediately struck by how many white dudes in polo shirts of a certain age (older than me, but not old) were at the show. I imagine that these were the guys in Phair's Guyville, who have grown up and are now investment bankers or accountants. I texted a friend pre-show, and she wondered if maybe they thought "Guyville" was something else. This is entirely possible. It was just one of those odd occurrences at a show where the audience ends up being made of people who are unexpected.

Seeing Liz Phair this past week, while also working my way through all four versions of the move A Star Is Born, created an interesting counterpoint to what's been going on since I rage-blogged last week. There may not be a direct parallel between Exile in Guyville and A Star Is Born, but in my brain, I can see it very distinctly. At the center of all five experiences, is a woman trying to navigate a male space while also being female.

Each version of A Star Is Born (1937, 1954, 1976, and 2018) has a similar plot: a young woman comes is working her way into the movie business (1937, 1954) or the music business (1976, 2018). She works as a waitress, sings commercials, or at drag shows (one of my favorite parts of the new version). An older, established actor/musician "discovers" her at a bar/as a waitress/at a charity fundraiser and falls in love with her, while also helping her career. She becomes a star, and his career takes a downward turn. This isn't because of her rise to fame, but because he's an alcoholic/drug addict and entirely unreliable, so no one wants to hire him. She falls in love with him anyway, and they marry secretly. Along the way, he completely embarrasses her when she wins an award (Oscar or Grammy, depending on the movie), and eventually goes to rehab. Of course, the story doesn't ever end happily, despite everyone's best efforts.

While each version has this shared plot DNA, they're distinct given the time period in which they were filmed and the lead actors. The 1937 version is an early talking picture. Its stars, Janet Gaynor and Fredric March, were silent film actors who successfully transitioned to talkies (not all actors did). Both is and the 1954 version have that "Golden Age of Hollywood" vibe, but also give viewers a look at how awful the studio system is/was and how actors were basically properties of the studios they worked for in every aspect of their lives. The 1954 version was all about Judy Garland; it's so much about her character that James Mason feels a bit like an afterthought as the male lead (although he's great when on screen). 1976 brought us Barbra Streisand and Kris Kristofferson in the leads, and moves the movie to the music industry. Like Garland, this movie was about revamping Streisand's image (PS - this didn't really work out that way). The newest version stars Lady Gaga, in her first lead role, and Bradley Cooper directing his first feature. Both wrote songs for the film and sing live in the film. This is one of my favorite parts of the new version.

Central to each version is the oldest plot line of movies: a woman trying to save a "broken" man. I went to see this movie with my friend, Emily, and she made the comment that watching this movie as an adult is very different than watching it as a teenager (whichever version you watched). Back then, we were caught up in the epic love story, the fairy tale of being discovered and falling in love with the discoverer. We missed the message. Norman/Norman/John/Jackson all warn Esther/Ally about them as bad choices, but the ladies dive in anyway. It's only when the guy promises to change his ways that the girl says yes to marrying him. Love is that powerful an emotion that they go against their better judgement. Even the producer character in each version knows this is probably going to end up terribly, but they don't stop it. True love can't be stopped, and these ladies are making a choice. I can't say it's necessarily a bad choice, but it's a choice. At the end, of course, Norman/Norman/John/Jackson make a choice too. We can debate their choice forever, but it's also a choice.

 In traditional Lazy Movie Weekend fashion, here are some things I love/hate about all four versions:

• Dorothy Park and Joan Didion have screen writing credits for the 1937 and 1976 versions respectively.
• The hats in the '37 version are a thing of beauty - come for the movie, stay for the hats.
• "Do you mind if I take one more look?" Norman Maine says this in the first version to Esther; there's a variation of the line in the three subsequent films. It's adorable and very sad.
• 1937 Esther and Norman have swans on their property. Swans! Rich people, man, rich people.
• In each version there's a moment when Esther's name (as Vicki Lester in the first two versions), covers up Norman/Norman/John/Jackson that is a symbol of his downfall. 
• "Tragedy is the test of courage." Esther's granny at the end of 1937.
• Judy Garland wears tights as pants in the 1954 version. Seriously, tights as pants.
• Even if you don't want to watch the 1954 version, watch the part where Judy Garland sings "The Man That Got Away." It guts me every time I watch this version. 
• The studio cut a significant amount of the movie from the final version and burned the footage for some reason. The film was digitally restored with film stills and audio for those parts. I would recommend watching an un-restored version the first time you watch this one. It's less choppy.
• "I'm sober as a judge." Too soon, Norman Maine, too soon. 
• The Oscars scene in this version is so painful to watch. It's hard to imagine why Esther stays after this. 
• I'm not entirely sure Kris Kristofferson knew that his shirts had buttons all the way up. There isn't a scene in the 1976 version that doesn't include most of his chest. 
• Barbra Streisand used her own clothes in the movie, which I love more than anything.
• Originally, Elvis was in consideration for the John Norman role, as well Neil Diamond. Col. Tom Parker wouldn't let Elvis be in the film because no one asked Parker first. Elvis died the year after the film was released.
• SPOILER: the 1976 version is the only one where the character's death is ambiguous. The producer for the film was uncomfortable with suicide as a plot line. 
• Blink and you'll miss Freddy Krueger, Robert Englund, as an uncredited patron in a bar.
• "Evergreen" won Streisand an Oscar and is probably the only part of the 1976 version that critics and fans can actually agree on as a good thing. 
• Shangela and Willam, drag performers who both appeared on seasons of RuPaul's Drag Race, are in the new version. I love them and I love that they're here.
• Bradley Cooper does have a weird voice thing going on in this movie, but I think it's because he's trying to sound like Sam Elliott and/or to show how hard drinking and drug use can ruin your voice.
• Concert footage was filmed at festivals like Coachella and Glastonbury, some of which when Lady Gaga was performing during the festival.
• The film opens with Lady Gaga singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" which is a lovely tribute to Judy Garland.
• Lady Gaga is amazing and I would legitimately 
• Jackson's "I'd like to take one more look at you" is not only the latest version of the line, but also a reference to "With One More Look At You" from the 1976 version. 
• That's Bradly Cooper's actual dog, Charlie. So adorable.
• The 2018 version is the only version where Norman/Norman/John/Jackson is disappointed in Esther/Ally because she turns her back on being a singer to be a pop star. He's not jealous of her success, but feels like she sold out and isn't being true to herself as a performer. This makes me appreciate Jackson in a way I don't appreciate the other three men. He wanted her to be the best Ally, not a version a producer told her to be.

I love the new version, but the 1954 version will always be my favorite. I'm sure this is because it was the first version I saw and because I love Judy Garland. But the new version is a very close second. Go see it as soon as you can, and then watch some of the older versions. My ranking: 1954, 2018, 1937, and 1976.

As I watched Ally and Jackson's story unfold, I couldn't help but think of two Liz Phair songs: "Mesmerizing" and "Divorce Song," arguably one of the saddest songs on Exile in Guyville. The song is about a couple on a road trip and how one moment, the woman wanting her own room because they've been in a car together all day, spins out of control and resentments come out and they both say things they may or may not mean. There's no real ending to the song, as there is an ending to Ally and Jackson's story, but it still has that same sadness that I associate with the plot of A Star Is Born. And like Phair in "Mesmerizing", Esther/Ally keep falling back into the same story. Maybe that's why every few decades we get a new A Star Is Born.

I love the song "Shallow" from the new A Star Is Born. If you're not going to see the movie, just watch this video:

Coming soon: Another Lazy Movie Weekend featuring my favorite teen monster movie, I join a Mardi Gras krewe and decorate purses to throw, and we discuss voting and being a good citizen...again.

Lazy Movie Weekend: Sons of Rydell High

There hasn't been a Lazy Movie Weekend in forever! I guess there were just too many things happening this summer to spend time hanging around my apartment watching movies. Granted, that didn't stop me from going to a theatre to watch movies. Today's LMW takes us out of my apartment and to the comfortable reclining chairs at the Alamo Drafthouse Woodbridge. But first, a musical interlude:

Yes, boys and girls, it's time to go back to school with the lovely Pink Ladies and the lovable T-Birds from Rydell High. I've never seen this movie in a theatre (it came out in 1982, I was three), and have always wanted to. The Alamo made that dream come true. If you've never been to an Alamo Drafthouse, I highly recommend that you take a trip to one as soon as humanly possible. There are three in Virginia - Winchester, Ashburn, and the newest location, Woodbridge, so there are plenty of options for you to explore. Alamo is an independent movie theatre chain from Austin, TX. I appreciate many things about the Alamo experience: it's a full service theatre, so servers bring food and drinks to your seat, you can drink beer while watching movies, and their popcorn is amazing.

Even better, is that the Alamo has special events. Events range from special showings of current movies, like that time I went to a ladies only screening of Wonder Woman, to anniversary screenings of movies to sing-alongs and quote-alongs. They even have afternoon tea with themed movies. My mom had a blast at our first tea with a screening of Marie Antoinette. Alamo has this great series called "Champagne Cinema" and Grease 2 was the featured movie on Labor Day. Finally, someone understands the value of this movie as the back to school gem that it is. Did I mention the props and themed drinks? We got a pink bandana, candy cigarettes, a handy guide to using our props, and drank a "Cool Rider."

(Yes, we all waved our flags during "Do It For Our Country." If nothing else, we are patriots.)

I love Grease 2. We can argue all day about Grease 2's superiority to its more famous movie sibling, Grease, but I will always win because Grease 2 is better. It just is. The music is better. The choreography is better. The dream sequence is amazing. I'm not claiming Grease 2 is a feminist movie, but it's not as horrifyingly misogynistic as Grease. The women of Grease 2 are way more interesting than any of the original Pink Ladies and they don't take the T-Birds nonsense. And Rex freaking Manning is in this movie.

And did I mention there are motorcycles? In this installment, the T-Birds have become a motorcycle gang. This is funny for two reasons:

1. There are only four of them. I feel like a gang requires more than four people.
2. I'm currently watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix. This will be very important as I watch Grease 2 at the Alamo.

Sons of Anarchy ran on FX from 2008-2014. I didn't watch it when it originally aired, but decided to start watching the series the day before going to see Grease 2. The show focuses on a fictitious motorcycle club called the Sons of Anarchy. They live in a little town called Charming (which makes me giggle) and are generally badass and awesome, but you know, also participating in criminal deeds like gun running and killing people. Like the T-Birds, the Charming chapter of the SOA seems small; I feel like they could also use some new members especially given the rate at which members are incarcerated, excommunicated/set on fire, and killed. 

I watched the entire first season of SOA in a day and half, so I had approximately 13 hours of motorcycle club drama swirling around in my head as I sat in the theatre to watch Grease 2. A lot happens in season one, including a stalker, club rivalries, the appearance of a horrible ATF agent, a hit gone horribly wrong, and Katey Sagal (she's awesome). I even took an online quiz to determine who my SOA husband would be (I'll let you guess). I'm also planning on starting the FX spinoff show Mayans MC this weekend; it premiered this week and I've been told by my SOA-watching friends that I can watch Mayans even though I've only just started the other show. Thank goodness.

So back to Grease 2. I haven't closely watched this movie in years. It's been on one of the movie channels recently, so I've caught bits and pieces, but like every movie I've seen a hundred times, it's usually just on as background noise. Being surrounded by other people who could quote and sing along with the movie made me feel like I'd found my people, my own gang, although I'll never see most of these people ever again. I always feel on the edges of fandoms, but with this little movie I feel right in center with all the other people singing their hearts out to "Cool Rider."

Since I was watching the movie closely, I have five lingering questions about Grease 2. This is a musical so reality stepped out the door the second the entire student body did a choreographed entrance to the first day of school. Still, I wonder about things. It's how my brain works and I can't help but have these five questions:

1. Why are there only four T-Birds? I get it, we can't have a cast of thousands and we needed an uneven number of guys and girls for the whole love triangle thing, but isn't it better for a gang to have more members? The bowling alley sequence proves this point; the T-Birds would have been pulverized if the Mystery Rider (psst...it's Michael) hadn't shown up. 
2. Where did Michael learn all those jumps? He gets his bike about a month to two into the school year and is somehow an ace rider by spring? This seems completely unrealistic especially given the jumping part. Where was he practicing? How did he never look banged up, given that he probably would have had a few spills as he was learning to ride a motorcycle?
3. Where does the rival gang go to school? Every single member of the Cycle Lords (yep, that's their name) looks to be about 30 years old, but we're supposed to believe that they are the rival gang of the T-Birds, who sort of look like older high school students. Did they go to whatever school the band is shouting about during practice? Are they really adults who can't shake their gang ways, but aren't ready for the big time so they just have a weird rivalry with a high school gang? Balmudo, the leader of the Cycle Lords, was in the first movie too (he brought Cha-Cha to the dance), but again, he looked like he was in his 30s, with three kids at home, and a pack a day smoking habit. This does not compute.
4. Who owns the Pink Lady car? At various points in the movie, a different Pink Lady is driving the car. Do they share it? Does it rotate between the members? Is the car passed down from Pink Lady group to Pink Lady group at graduation? Does Dolores inherit the car at the end of this movie? Did they pay dues and that's how they paid for the car? Do the T-Birds have a role in this since Pink Ladies are tied to being T-Bird chicks. How does this work?
5. How is it that the adults' reaction to the motorcycle gang showdown at the luau is to say "Michael?!" in the same breathy, surprised way Stephanie does rather than calling the cops? Eve Arden as Miss McGee is about as no nonsense as you can get in a principal in a musical (she had to put up with John Travolta in the first movie; she deserves a medal), so I can't imagine her first reaction is to be all jazzed up about the school nerd being a badass motorcycle guy. Yes, she has a place in her heart for the T-Birds, but come on! Someone has to be the adult in the room.

In addition to these five questions, I kept thinking about the Sons of Anarchy and how ridiculous/awesome it would be for them to just randomly break out into song during the show. I get it, SOA is not a comedy. I'm on the second episode of season two; there's literally nothing funny about what's happening right now. I love Henry Rollins, but I'm a hard time with him on this show. But as I was watching Grease 2, I couldn't stop placing the SOA in the songs, particularly the song "Prowling." This is the song the T-Birds sing at the talent show towards the end of the movie (it's Grease equivalent would be "Greased Lightning" which is a horrible song). "Prowling" is about picking up women in a grocery store, which if you've ever been to a Trader Joe's in NOVA on a weekend, is a real thing dudes do.

I could see Bobby, with his propensity for Elvis impersonations, stepping into the Johnny role because he has the star power to do it. I'm torn as to who would be his back up singers, but I think it would be Opie, Juice, and Chibs. They seem like they would take a musical number in stride, have some laughs, maybe do it for charity as Gemma is always trying to keep the club involved in community activities. Maybe Jax could sing Michael's ballad "Charades." It could work, given Jax's knowledge of what really happened to Donna and his disillusionment with the club. If someone who has the talent wants to create a SOA/Grease 2 mashup for me, I will be most pleased.

Until then, I'll keep watching SOA and envisioning musical numbers and trying to figure out if the T-Birds or the Cycle Lords would have been a good chapter addition for SAMCRO (Sons of Anarchy Motorcycle Club, Redwood Original, for those of you who have never watched the show).

Or maybe I'll just head back to the Alamo. There's a screening of Carrie coming up soon or maybe I'll go see Clueless, so I can quote my way to 1990s glory.


Coming soon: I watch all three versions of A Star is Born to prepare for the new version starring Lady Gaga, I'll unveil two major embroidery projects, and I get crafty at a baseball game. 

SOA picture
Back to School
T-Birds
Prowling

Lazy Movie Weekend: Comfort Movies

I never thought that I'd feel the way I feel about January about the month of June. June is my birth month, peonies are in bloom, and a hint of summer is in the air. If we lived in a normal world, June would be the absolute best. But seriously, it seems like June is going on forever. Every day some other terrible thing happens and just when you think people can't get worse, they do. It's overwhelming and depressing. I try not to get caught in the dumpster fire that is Twitter, but I follow a lot of political figures, activists, and regular humans who comment and I can't look away. It's not healthy; I know, but I can't help myself.

It's in times like these that I find myself turning to my old standby to make myself feel better: I watch funny movies and shows that make me feel better. I like to call these movies "comfort movies." A comfort movie (or show) is like mac and cheese or warm brownies; they make you feel loved and cared for no how you really feel.

I encourage you to enjoy some mac and cheese or brownies while watching my Comfort Movie Marathon. You'll thank me for this later.

1. To Wong Foo,Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar (1995) Admittedly, I could write an entire post about this movie, but I feel strongly that it should be included here first. This movie has everything: drag queens, Robin Williams, small towns, strawberries, Chris Penn at his Chris Penniest, RuPaul. In 1995, a movie starring Patrick Swayze, Wesley Snipes, and John Leguizamo as drag queens seemed revolutionary and odd, but in a great way. I will watch this movie anytime it's on and laugh as much as I did the first time. Swayze and Snipes play Vida and Noxxema, two queens on their way to a national drag competition in Los Angeles. They take Leguizamo's Chi-Chi, a less experienced queen, under their wings. On the drive to L.A., they come up with the four rules to becoming a drag queen, look flawless even with the top down, and change the lives of an entire town. There are some wonderful moments and also some problematic things (particularly the racist language toward Chi-Chi and the gay man savior plot line), but all in all, it's a fun movie. Blink and you'll miss Lady Bunny. 
2. Waitress (2007) I saw the musical version of this charming movie back in May and have been thinking about the movie ever since. If you haven't seen Adrienne Shelly's quirky comedy, stop what you're doing right now and watch it. Shelly was an indie movie staple in the late 90s and early 2000s; Waitress was her final film (she was murdered during the film's production) and she wrote the script while pregnant with her daughter, Sophie. The film centers on Jenna, a small town waitress and baker with a terrible husband, who finds out she's pregnant. She spends much of the movie making up pies and writing letters to her unborn baby. She's less than thrilled about becoming a mom. Even if you've never had a baby or a bad husband, there's something so relatable about Jenna and her situation. Shelly plays Dawn, another waitress, who almost steals the movie from Keri Russell (post-Felicity). Andy Griffith plays Old Joe and Nathan Fillion is Jenna's doctor. 
3. Under the Tuscan Sun (2003) Diane Lane stars as Frances Mayes in the movie adaptation of Mayes' memoir. After a horrible divorce, Frances goes to Italy at the encouragement of her best friend (the wonderful Sandra Oh) and ends up buying a villa in Tuscany. You know, as one does. She sets about renovating the villa with the help of a rag tag group of Polish workers, learns about olives from her neighbor, helps two star-crossed lovers find happiness, buys a white dress, and creates a family for herself in Tuscany. One of my favorite characters is Katherine, an aging actress who evokes the elegance and beauty of 1960s Italian cinema and inspires Frances to live her life. I'm not usually a fan of the whole "woman makes over her life in another country" genre (I'm looking at you Eat, Pray, Love), but I can't help loving this movie.
4. Shaun of the Dead (2004) The first of the Three Flavours Cornetto Trilogy movies, Shaun of the Dead is one of my favorite zombie comedies. It has the creepiness and gore of a traditional zombie movie, paired with the humor of every British comedy I love. This is the movie that gave the world Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, and Edgar Wright. Pegg plays Shaun, a lovable loser, who has to save his sort of ex-girlfriend, his mum, and his friends when a zombie plague hits London. One of my favorite parts of the movie is the fight sequence set to Queen's "Don't Stop Me Now." It's genius. The whole Cornetto Trilogy is worth watching over and over, but Shaun of the Dead will always be my favorite. 
5. GLOW (2017) Season two of the Netflix series just dropped this week, so I haven't had a chance to watch it yet. I loved the first season and the documentary about the actual Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling show. It's funny, empowering, and has just enough nostalgia. Come for Alison Brie, stay for Marc Maron. My plan is to binge watch season two this week. The neon is calling.
6. Thor: Ragnorak (2017) I'm a big Thor fan. The Thor movies are my favorite standalone Marvel Universe movies. The first movie of the three is the best one, even if Natalie Portman is the worst. Dark World isn't as terrible as everyone makes it out to be; the Viking funeral is one of the most beautiful scenes and scores in all of the Marvel movies combined. Anyway, Thor: Ragnorak is like living in a 1980s arcade game; it's bright and loud and super fun. The movie was directed by Taika Waititi, the genius behind What They Do in the Shadows. In addition to Thor and Loki, we get a Valkyrie, a bizarre Jeff Goldblum, and the return of the Hulk. Oh, and Hela arrives and destroys everything, as she does. This movie is a set up for Avengers: Infinity War, but what movie in the MCU isn't these days?
7. Queer Eye (2017) If you didn't watch the original Bravo show back in the day, get yourself over to Netflix and watch the new series (seasons one and two are available now). The premise is the same: five gay men spend a week helping a nominated man (in all but one case) turn his life around. This includes a makeover, life coaching, and home renovation. I liked the original show, but love the reboot. There's an emotional element to the new series that didn't exist as strongly in the first series. This show is doing more to help combat toxic masculinity than I ever imagine it could do. The men the Fab Five help show emotions and open up in a way that's powerful and uplifting. There are moments that are stressful, like in season one when the group is pulled over and it doesn't seemed planned and moments that are hilarious (basically anything involving Jonathan). It's a power show on many levels; one of my favorite episodes focuses on a transgender male, who underwent top surgery six weeks before the Fab Five appear. It's an unexpected episode on many levels. Make sure you have Kleenex handy when you watch the show. 
8. Best Worst Movie (2009) Summer is the time to watch a documentary, right? Best Worst Movie is a documentary about the making of the cult movie Troll 2. Troll 2, like most cult movies, is terrible. The plot centers around a family who moves to the country and becomes the target of vegetarian goblins who want to turn them into plants so the goblins can eat them. I saw Troll 2 when I was 11 or 12 and thought it was hilarious, but terrible. The documentary is directed by Michael Stephenson, who starred in the movie as Joshua, the youngest son and hero of the movie. Despite its cult following, Stephenson was embarrassed by the movie, but came to love it after discovering the rabid fan following the movie has. You don't have to watch Troll 2 in order to watch Best Worst Movie, but I would highly recommend watching them together.
9. Brooklyn (2015) I'm going to admit that I have not read the book this movie is based on, although I do own it. It's currently sitting in one of my stacks of books to read around my apartment. I love the fashion of this movie (it's set in the 1950s) and it's beautifully filmed. Eillis comes to America from Ireland to work in a department store and find a new life. She meets a young man and falls in love. Brooklyn is comfort and love and possibility.
10. Girls Trip (2017) I love this movie so much. I missed it in the theatre when it originally came out, and regret that immensely. It's hilarious and raunchy and fabulous. It's everything wonderful and painful about female friendship. And it takes place in New Orleans! Tiffany Haddish is life in this movie; I don't know how they made it through filming some of her scenes without laughing the whole time. Four college friends reunite during Essence Festival under the guise of a girls trip. Of course, they're all going through things in life and need one another to make it through. Queen Latifah, Jada Pickett-Smith, and Regina Hall round out the group and they are amazing. If you want to laugh out loud a lot, this is the movie for you.

We all need to take a break from the news and being part of the resistance every now and then. Comfort movies (and shows) will always be there for you. Embrace the comfort movies!

Coming soon to the Island: more from the front line of being a good citizen, I attempt to get back into writing at work, and the old lady concert rules come out in full effect. Summer is the greatest!