Ask a Cat: Keely's Guide to Social Distancing and Staying Inside

It's been a year this week, hasn't it? I hope everyone's being a good citizen and continuing to stay home and binge watch shows on Netflix. If you're like me, this week was your first week working remotely versus working from home once a week. It takes time to adjust to new work and home situations and not being around people as much. While I don't miss commuting, I do miss quick catch-ups over coffee and lunch breaks. I work with some truly wonderful people, so it's no surprise I'm missing the office. I'm on calls with many of them daily, so it's something.

I've been thinking about how to best approach this new normal, and it dawned on me that the best "person" to provide advice on this topic lives right here in my house. He's currently curled up in his bed napping, but I was able to keep his attention long enough to get some real advice on social distancing and living a primarily indoor lifestyle. Keely may be a cat, but he knows things. He has a very active indoor life, and we can learn much from him.

Welcome to the inaugural Ask a Cat post! Let's get right into Keely's advice for living your best indoor life.

Establish a solid routine to keep your days organized. You humans think that because I sleep 16 hours a day, I don't have a routine. That just means you're not paying attention. All pets have highly structured, scheduled days. We allot a certain amount of time for sleeping (16 hours minimum), eating, using the litter box, cuddles, and running around the house for no apparent reason. I also like to include at least 10 minutes for staring at one spot on the ceiling; it makes my human think it's haunted. Stick to a routine. Work when you're supposed to work. Take a lunch break. Workout when you would normally work out. Watch tv. Sticking to your schedule will help you keep calm in an otherwise chaotic universe.

Find a good napping spot. I like to nap. Napping is my favorite. I have three primary napping spots in the house, and at least six secondary spots. I like to use the secondary spots when my human isn't paying attention to me...she has to look for me when I nap in a secondary spot. My favorite spot for a nap is in front of the sliding glass door. It'a AMAZING! The sun comes in just right. There's some kind of pillow my human left there that I love. I can hide. Rest is an important part of indoor living. You can't keep up your schedule if you don't slow down for a nap every now and then. 

Manage your snacks/food. If I had my way, I'd get to eat whatever I want whenever I want. But my human has completely different ideas about how my diet should work, so I don't get to snack all the time. I know you bought some random things when you went to the store last time; don't eat them all on your first day or first week. The human has been sneaking cookies (she thinks I don't see her), and she's going to run out. You probably have more time to cook. Don't forget to eat some vegetables with every meal, and plan for some comfort foods. My human made a casserole this week and it smelled so good. She didn't share with me, but a cat can dream. 

Prepare your work from home space...and assert dominance over those who may also be working/learning from home. Make sure you create some type of dedicated work space for yourself. It's easy to think that you'll roll out of bed and work from your couch in your pjs all day, but that is a terrible idea. Having some separation between work space and living space, however minimal, is ideal. It may not be realistic to have a whole desk or something, but find a way to create some dedicated working space, even if it's temporary each day. If you're sharing a space with others, make sure you assert your dominance early on in the work from home situation; it's the only way to secure the best spot. I find a cold stare the best way to accomplish this. Pushing their stuff off tables while making direct eye contact also works.

Spend time doing the things you love or develop new hobbies. Besides napping and eating, my primary hobbies consist of running around the house, chasing the red dot, and trying to open the front door (I don't know how the round thing works, but I can reach it). It's important to dedicate time to your hobbies now, or discover new ones. My human is doing so much embroidery; it's tiny stitches for days. She's also practicing needle felting (just another excuse to stab something repeatedly), and has baked so many things. 

Write that novel. Paint that picture. Do that thing you've always wanted to do as long as you can remain in your home while doing it.

When in doubt, there's always Netflix.

Stay active. Run around your house at 2 am for no reason. Maybe running around the house isn't your thing, but staying active is an important part of being successful at social distancing. You can still go outside to walk, run, ride a bike. No one said you couldn't leave your house...just do so sparingly and keep at least 6 feet between you and someone else.

My human has started doing something called yoga. I don't know if you know what yoga is, but it seems like she moves her legs around weirdly and then sometimes lays on her back with her eyes closed. I thought I heard the word "down dog," but there was no dog. I've been trying to help her do her yoga, but she usually shoos me away. I'm really good at the laying on the back pose.

Wash your hands. Grooming is my third favorite activity, after eating and sleeping (in that order). I'm particularly fond of laying against my human at night and cleaning my paws. She doesn't know, but I sleep next to her to protect her. That's what cats do for other hairless, large cats who suck at hunting (basically my human). Anyway, wash your hands, especially if you do go outside or interact with other people. I'm shocked by the fact that basic hygiene seems so novel to so many people. I don't remember my real mom much, but she did teach me how to wash my paws. And don't hoard hand sanitizer!

Get dressed. My human made me wear a tie today. I may, on occasion, like to walk in the path of her video camera when she's talking to people who aren't here. She was on one of those calls today, and made me wear a tie. She told me that I needed to dress for work. I didn't like it, but she has a point. Even if you want to work in your pjs or yoga pants, change into clean ones for your work time. It'll make you feel better. My tie makes me feel important.

Check in with your people, especially your extroverted friends. I'm perfectly fine not being around another person or cat for days. My human's cool because she feeds me and lets me nap on her when I need a little cuddle time. But I get it, humans are inherently social creatures. Use all that technology that you designed to put us cats on the internet, and connect with one another instead. Have virtual lunches and parties. My human is having a virtual crafting party this weekend. If you have extroverts in your life, call them. They are not designed to spend this much time away from actual people. Check in on the older people in your life too. Every other day or so, my human talks to the lady and the man who makes the turkey and they're doing just fine. Maybe he'll bring me a turkey when this is all over. Mmmm, turkey.

Document what's going on! I'm told this is a significant historical event, and it's important for us to document what's going on. My human literally takes 20 pictures of me every day. She can't help herself. I get it; I'm a handsome cat and I pose, but she's getting a little out of control. No one cares that I'm napping in the sun again. I mean, I care, but no one else does. Anyway, taking time out to write down your thoughts from the day or vent your frustrations is a good way to get out some of those feelings you're feeling. My human writes in a pink journal while she eats breakfast, and she jots things down throughout the day. I assume it's all about me, but who knows? I'm a cat. I can't read.

Go to things virtually. My human went to a virtual concert earlier this week featuring something called the Dropkick Murphys. I don't know what they are, but she seemed to be having a lot of fun dancing around the house and singing. I think it was singing? I slept through the whole thing. So much stuff is now available online you'd be silly to not take advantage. Just remember to actually go visit museums, concert venues, and other places that gave you free access once things reopen.

Alone time. Some of you have to deal with other people being around all the time now. While I don't love that my human is here all the time, I would be very lost without her. I'd also be annoyed if there were lots of other people with us. Everyone is adjusting to new schedules and so much togetherness. Remember, you still need some alone time. Read a book, take a bath, sit quietly in a room drinking a glass of wine (if that's your thing). Step away from the laptop and the phone. Use the time to reflect on how awesome you are even if you feel like you're not doing everything right or whatever. Cut yourselves a break, humans.

Don't panic. The dolphins haven't gone anywhere. In fact, they've returned to some places in record numbers. If everyone does their part and stays home, we'll get through this. And then you can look back and fondly remember that time you took advice from a cat.

Just in case you need some extra calm, please enjoy this video of me purring and kneading. Those are my fourth and fifth favorite activities.

Do you have a question or a topic for Keely? Send in your "Ask a Cat" questions and topics, and Keely might respond to you in a future post. Keep in mind, he won't answer anything about politics (except to remind you to vote) or inappropriate topics. He's only three years old, people. Keep it clean. 

Lazy Movie Weekend: This one time at camp...

It's official - summer is over. I'm ready for fall; pretty leaves, sweaters, candy corn, pumpkin spice lattes, online dating. Fall is a magical time that doesn't last long enough. That's why it needs to start now.

I would, however, be remiss if I did not give summer a proper send off. I never went to sleep away camp and I only went to day camp once (it was a theatre camp when I was in the 8th grade). I thank my parents everyday that they knew me well enough to never consider sending me into the woods with ill-equipped teenage camp counselors and some notion that I would enjoy being outdoors for long periods of time, playing sports, and generally being in close proximity to bugs. Instead, we spent most summers in Detroit (for at least a few weeks). I learned survival skills like how to eavesdrop on adults while they gossiped, how to make mud pies, the Chicken Dance (but only at Detroit Tigers games), and how to tell the difference between gunfire and fireworks. These are all skills I use to this day.

For me a successful summer (as a child/teen) included the following:

• Finishing my summer reading list early so the librarian could recommend other books to me that were not necessarily age appropriate but were reading level appropriate for me
• Taping songs off the radio
• Watching a bunch of movies and in high school, re-watching The Stand miniseries at least once
• Working at the theatre (this was also in high school)
• Getting sunburned and being annoyed by it BUT not wanting to admit that I was at fault for not reapplying sunscreen
• Going to a theme park (preferably Kings Dominion when the Wayne's World themed section still existed)
• Staying in air conditioning as much as humanly possible
• Eating Superman ice cream - it's a Michigan thing

If I ever decided to open my own camp I would include all of these things and focus on cabins designed for optimal reading comfort, crafts that include Lego art and unironic needlepoint, movie nights featuring movies I feel every child/teen should know, and lessons on how to be a good rock and roll citizens. Useful skills that the kids these days need to know.

Despite never going to camp, I love movies about camp. Ernest Goes to Camp, Camp, Meatballs, SpaceCamp, the Sleepaway Camp series, Camp Nowhere, Friday the 13th are some of my favorites. Camp seemed cool and fun and not as dirty as I imagined. And this brings me to the subject of today's Lazy Movie Weekend post, Wet Hot American Summer. 

Normally when I write about a movie on LMW, I want everyone to watch it immediately. While I do believe everyone should watch this movie, I will admit that it may not be for everyone. If you don't like absurd genre parody, this movie is not for you. If you don't like every camp movie trope squashed into one movie AND then either ignored or made fun of of, this movie is not for you. It's weird and while it may seem like a long form improv sketch it's actually completely scripted...by two guys who are geniuses at improv and sketch comedy. A ton of really great actors are in the movie and most of them weren't famous at the time so it's a great opportunity to see them early in their careers.

With that in mind, let's gather round the campfire and settle in for Wet Hot American Summer.

• The movie takes place on August 18, 1981 - the last day of camp. I didn't know but people celebrate WHAS day on this date. Maybe next year I'll celebrate too.
• Every possible camp counselor stereotype is here: the stoner, the slutty girl, the couple who only are a couple at camp, the nerdy guy, the guy that brags about sleeping with all the girls but is actually a virgin, the genuinely nice guy who should get the girl but won't, and the cool guy.
• If you love Janeane Garofalo than you do need to watch this movie. She's so hilarious and awkward and perfect. There are some moments in this movie when I think to myself, "I'm Beth. Beth is me." Sometimes at work I just randomly say, "You're in trouble" and expect nothing to happen. Just like Beth.
• Paul Rudd is the literal worst in this movie but you can't help but love him to death and want to date Andy for the exact reasons that Katie is with him. I loved Rudd's description of Andy in "The Ultimate Oral History of Wet Hot American Summer" - "You just try and have fun within those parameters of douchebaggery and bandanna-ism."
• Remember all of the information about astrophysics provided by David Hyde Pearce throughout the film. It will all be important later.
• The indoor kids! These are my people! David Hyde Pearce's Henry actually calls them that when he makes his way back to camp to teach them about science and stuff. And save the day.
• OMG Christopher Meloni! Imagine if you will a character that is the complete opposite of his character on SVU. He says the most bizarre things ("I'm going to go fondle my sweaters.") and has an epic monologue towards the end of the movie about being proud of who you are. Gene has to be experienced to be fully appreciated.
• "We're soul mates right?" Yes, Katie, you're camp soul mates.
• Let's talk about Coop aka Michael Showalter. Showalter wrote the movie with director David Wain. He plays Coop, the camper turned counselor who is in love with Katie (unrequited of course). He also plays the Catskills comic at the talent show. He's so goofy and endearing. And weird. And inappropriate. I think this photo is Coop in a nutshell:

• Amy Poehler is divine. There are so many priceless Susie moments in this movie: the "Hey you guys" at breakfast to drum up interest in the talent show, her pan-pipe playing at the commitment ceremony, and this quote to her drama kids that is perfect: "OK, stop. I feel like I'm watching regional theatre, you guys. God! Am I in the Cleveland Playhouse or something? Your craft is a muscle, you need to exercise it. Take a break; think about what you've done."
• I had no idea that asking someone if they would like a piece of gum and then both chewing a piece of gum equals that you want to make out. I have been living my life incorrectly.
• "It's your job to make sure kids don't drown." Camper to Andy after said camper's swimming buddy goes missing.
• Ken Marino has the greatest hair and the shortest shorts. After you've watched him win this movie so hard, go online and catch up on Burning Love and Party Down. He was even in a Hallmark movie called Falling in Love with the Girl Next Door that isn't terrible.
• We haven't talked about Bradley Cooper and Michael Ian Black. I don't want to ruin this particular part of the story for you. I sort of wish Bradley was in the movie more but he's excellent when he is. You should follow Michael Ian Black on Twitter if you like really inappropriate comedy.
• And then there's Molly Shannon. That is all.
• When Katie breaks Coop's heart, he and Gene and the other counselor that works in the kitchen go through an epic training so that Coop can be the best Coop he can be montage complete with inspirational music and dancing. You can watch it here. The hawk sound effect is my favorite part.
•  Of course the talent show goes on as the camp is threatened with total obliteration by remnants of Skylab on its way into the Earth's atmosphere. The drama kids give a rousing performance of "Day by Day" (of course), the robot kid performs his talent, Coop sort of wins Katie over, and the indoor kids "save" the day with a plot that involves a twenty-sided D&D die. You know, exactly like that one time at camp.

With tearful goodbyes, campers and counselors leave Camp Firewood to return to Bethesda or New Jersey until next summer. Maybe in ten years they'll find themselves back at Camp Firewood at 9:30 (even though we said 9 and we should be on time). Maybe they'll find themselves on Netflix. Wherever they end up, you know it's going to be weird.

Paul Rudd pic

Christopher Meloni pic
Coop picture

I don't want to dress up like a hipster

I knew that my love affair with Diet Coke was on its way to a full out break up when the first Taylor Swift Diet Coke commercial aired. Once the 22 year-olds start singing about being hipsters and hanging out all while drinking a frosty, delicious Diet Coke, you know that nothing will ever be the same again. I feel like Taylor Swift was sitting around one day in some adorable outfit trying to decide what words best described her latest romantic drama and she thought, "You know what? Diet Coke will never leave me or act like a jerk in public so I'll just write songs about how I feel when the caffeine kicks in and the bubbles get in my nose. But then I'll tell everyone it was about falling in love with that guy from that band everyone used to like (or actor that was in that famous movie). I'm a freaking genius."

Some people would just move on and continue enjoying Diet Coke. If they felt really strongly about Taylor's endorsement of Diet Coke maybe they'd switch to Diet Pepsi (if they like to make bad life choices) or maybe they switch to Tab (if they really miss the 1980s). Me, I quit drinking it entirely. Seemed like the right choice to make.

Obviously, this is a lie. Taylor Swift is not the reason I no longer drink Diet Coke. Interestingly enough, I did give this as a reason to one of my co-workers and he believed me. I'm not sure if that means that my co-worker is incredibly gullible or if he just thinks I'm the type of person that would give up soda entirely (not just Diet Coke) because a pop star I don't like endorsed the product. I'm not sure what that says about either of us.

Anyway, I decided to give up soda not too long after I purchased my Fitbit. I'm not what you would call athletic. The majority of my physical fitness comes from cleaning my apartment, dancing around my apartment, and occasional trips to the bowling alley. Or walking to Whole Foods to get a $9 salad for lunch. I'm more of an indoor kid; I like to read, watch movies, be creative, organize things. That's me. I do like to walk, especially outside, so the Fitbit appealed to me because it basically tracks steps. I walk so it's a natural fit. What I was unaware of until my friend told me was that I could also track my food and my sleep with a Fitbit. So it's not just a glorified pedometer. I took the plunge and bought my Flex in February.

And I immediately became obsessed.

The long and short of it is that the Fitbit is a fitness list. The tracker tracks my steps for me and allows me to see my progress day to day (and with lovely weekly reports). I enter my food on either the app or through the website. I track my food like a champ even if it's Twizzlers or that popcorn I had for dinner the other day. I can also add other activities to my log which increases my burned calories for the day. Did you know that shoveling snow burns 200 calories (on the low end) or that vacuuming burns 60? The sleep tracking is interesting too: I am a 98% efficient sleeper. I had a hard time believing this at first but it's been consistent since I got the Flex. More interesting is the fact that most of the times I wake up at night can be attributed to a certain feline that lives in my apartment. Having the Flex has made me more aware of what I do and what I eat. I also drink more water now than I probably have in my entire life. Thanks Fitbit.

This is my best day to date. I'm very proud of it.

I've tried other fitness apps before but have eventually lost interest. I think it's mostly because of the fact that they weren't tied to anything and didn't necessarily provide ways to really track what I was actually doing. I've also connected to several of my friends who have Fitbits. It's a nice encouraging community of people trying to be healthier. It's not really a competition. Really. I mean, I might occasionally think to myself that I want to "beat" one of them but it's all in fun. I also like that Fitbit sends me super encouraging emails and updates on my phone. It would be cool if Fitbit talked and if I could select the voice like on a GPS (I would select "attractive British guy"). That would make Fitbit even better. Oh and if it said things like, "You hit all your goals today. Go ahead and enjoy cupcake happy hour. You deserve it."

Since I bought Fitbit (I realize I'm referring to Fitbit as if it were a person - don't judge) I decided to make some other changes to go along tracking steps and water intake and sleep. Giving up soda was the biggest of these. I'm a fairly healthy eater (although I love cheese, nachos, and Twizzlers) but I do admit to having a soda problem. I never kept track but I probably drank more soda than a person should. I mostly stuck to diet but that doesn't really mean it was better for me. It's still chemicals and unnatural sweeteners so it can't be good. But, as we all know, it's delicious. A perfectly mixed fountain Diet Coke is so refreshing and wonderful. Add some Juan's Flying Burrito black bean and cheese nachos and you basically have the perfect meal. I thought I'd start small so I gave up soda for Lent. If I made it through forty days, I would give it up entirely. I succeeded - I haven't had a soda since March 5.

The first two weeks were the worst. I had occasional headaches which I attribute to my change in caffeine intake. I adjusted my coffee/tea drinking habits a bit and that took care of the headaches (not increasing just spacing out a little differently). I started drinking seltzer water for the bubbles and variety. I have a daily water goal and I usually go over the goal. There were two days that I really craved Diet Coke; I probably would have punched someone in the face if it meant that I could have one. But I did not punch anyone nor did I have a Diet Coke. I can do this.

The forty days of Lent have now turned into sixty-six days total. I have more energy which means I walk more (I'm up to around four miles at least three times a week). I meet my daily step goal of 10,000 steps more often. I don't get as annoyed with myself when I don't hit the goal. You have to take the good and the bad (as The Facts of Life tells us). I can honestly say I don't miss Diet Coke. We had a nice run but it's over.

So Taylor Swift, I give you Diet Coke. I hope you have a wonderful relationship and that Diet Coke treats you better than all the men in all of your songs. I hope when you dress like a hipster people take you seriously (especially the glasses). I hope Diet Coke makes you happy. Treat it well.

And I'm sure my comments have now secured me a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. At least Tina Fey and Amy Poehler will be there with me so I think we'll be good.

Marc Jacobs Diet Coke cans