Old Lady Concert Rules: A Frivolous Army

Old Lady Concert Rule #37: Just because you can, doesn't mean you should. 

I own all four solo KISS albums on vinyl. I don't share this because I think I'm cool (I'm not). It doesn't mean I'm a devoted KISS fan either; I only own the solo albums, The most devoted KISS fans would say that means I don't get to be in the club. I have a few singles in my iTunes library...all of which came from my brother's extensive KISS music collection. My top five favorite KISS songs are:

1. "Beth"
2.  "God of Thunder"
3. "Detroit Rock City"
4. "Strutter"/"Hard Luck Woman"
5. "God Gave Rock and Roll To You"

I'm not a deep cut kind of KISS fan. I own all four solo albums because I like collecting ridiculous things. These albums exist for no real reason except it was 1978 and KISS was the most famous band in America (maybe the world, but that might be pushing it). KISS's popularity wasn't just because they put out hit after hit; they put on a damn good show. It was theatrical and included pyrotechnics and costumes and makeup. They were making a ton of money, selling out stadium shows, and being rock and roll stars. The band, their manager, and their label thought, "Let's capitalize on this success by putting out four solo albums. Yeah, that's exactly what we should do." And they did! They made four full solo albums for the sole reason to make money. If this isn't an example of rock and roll hubris, I don't know what is. The albums failed spectacularly, and marked the beginning of the end of the original lineup of the band (Gene Simmons, Peter Criss, Paul Stanley, and Ace Frehley). Obviously, KISS never really went away, both in music and merchandising. You can legit buy anything with some level of KISS branding on it (I type this while looking at a Hello Kitty version of Starchild). I'm seeing them for the second time on Sunday on what is apparently their farewell tour. 

But seriously, these albums. I've owned all of these albums since 2008-ish, but have never listened to them fully or all at one time. I also only paid for one of them; the other three were gifts and they were all used. KISS received nothing from my purchases. In preparation for Sunday's concert, where none of these songs will be played, I thought I'd spend my week listening to all four albums and finally decide if this experiment was the dumpster fire of 1978 everyone says it was.

While there's no agreed upon order in which to listen to these albums, I decided on the bookend approach: Gene Simmons (the most ridiculous album), Paul Stanley, Peter Criss, and Ace Frehley (the best album).  

Like watching crap movies, I do these things so you don't have to. 

Gene Simmons

While my second favorite KISS song is "God of Thunder," Gene Simmons is my least favorite member of the band. I get it, without Gene there is no KISS, but that doesn't mean I have to like him. His solo album feels like what would happen if the 70s threw up on an album. I don't know if Gene has dirt on lots of people or if they were all like, "being on a KISS solo album is really good for my career, so sure I'll sing back up or be the weird talking voice on the worst song ever." Somehow he convinced all of these people to take part.. Donna Summer, Helen Reddy, Bob Seger, Joe Perry, and freaking Cher appear on this album. It's crazy pants and make absolutely no sense at all. 

The song with Donna Summer is a disco song. For a band that hated disco so much, it's weird that all four albums have at least one song that's reminiscent of a disco song or actually is one. 

Best Songs: "See You Tonite," "Radioactive," and " Near You/Nowhere to Hide" 

Worst Song: "Living in Sin" - this is the song that features Cher and the line "I'm living in sin at the Holiday Inn." I can't make this up. 

Song that would be better if someone else sang it: "Mr. Make Believe" - I feel like a Cassidy or maybe Davy Jones should have sang this song. It would have made more sense.
Weirdest Song: Gene singing "When You Wish Upon a Star." It makes no sense, but it exists and you need to listen to it too. 

Fun fact: Katey Sagal is a backup singer on this album. She also dated Simmons at some point.

Paul Stanley

The biggest issue with Paul Stanley's album is that it's not all that memorable. I imagine this is the album Paul would have made if he hadn't been a part of KISS. He would have ended up being a moderately famous solo artist who sang forgettable rock songs. Paul has a great voice, always has, so it's not unpleasant to listen to, just not that exciting. Basically, this is the album KISS would have made if they found their main singer on YouTube and he sounded exactly like Paul Stanley, but was less interesting. 

Best Songs: "Love in Chains," "It's Alright"

Worst Song: I don't remember enough of the other songs to pick a worst song. 

Song that would be better if someone else sang it: "Hold Me, Touch Me" is basically a Carpenters song. 

Fun fact: Keely came out of my bedroom during Paul's album. He hated the rest of this experience, mostly because my listening to records made it hard for him to get in living room window.

Peter Criss

As I was listening to this album, all I could think of was if Quentin Tarantino wasn't the kind of director he is, he could have used this album as the K-Billy's Super Sounds of the 70s soundtrack in Reservoir Dogs. It's the most bluesy (and that's being polite) of the four albums, and feels more old school rock and roll. The other thing that I couldn't help but notice is how quiet the album is. For the album from the drummer, you'd think it would be a little louder, but it's not. I was underwhelmed. 

Best Songs: "You Matter to Me," Hooked on Rock 'N Roll" 

Worst Song: There wasn't really a worst song since most of the rest of the album wasn't memorable.

Songs that would be better if someone else sang it: "Don't You Let Me Down" - another teen idol-y song. "Hooked on Rock 'N Roll" could be a Little Richard song. 

Weird lyrics I can't get over: 

"I was vaccinated with a victrolla needle

And now I'm hooked on rock 'n roll." 

That's not how vaccinations work. I hope everyone knows that. 

Ace Frehley

Hands down, this is the best album of the four. Not only would I listen to this album again in it's entirety, it lives up to the hype of being the best of the solo albums. This is the only album of the four that even comes close to being like a KISS album, and it's just fun to listen to. The single, "New York Groove" was the most successful song from any of the albums, reaching number 13 on the Hot 100. It's a cover of a song by the band Hello, a British glam rock band. Listening to the versions side by side is sort of like listening to Toto and Weezer's versions of "Africa" back to back; a faithful cover that makes you like both songs more than you did before. "New York Groove" is another song that's pretty close to being a disco song. I love this song, so I'm not going to complain, but seriously, it's a disco song. 

By far, my favorite part of the entire album was "Fractured Mirror." It's an instrumental piece and it's awesome. It showcases Frehley's skills as a guitar player. That's really what separates his album from the rest; he wasn't trying to do anything but make something that was going to be fun to listen to. 

Best Songs: "Ozone," "New York Groove," "I'm In Need of Love," and "Fractured Mirror"

There aren't any bad songs on this album. It rocks. All the songs are on YouTube, or you can go out an buy a used version on vinyl and enjoy it the way Ace Frehley and whatever deity you like intended. 

Are these albums terrible? Not really, but in no way were they going to make KISS more popular than they already were in 1978. It was a gamble that didn'tpay off and is one more thing that makes it easy to make fun of KISS if that's a thing you like to do. Ace Frehley's album is the best, and there are seven other songs across the other three albums I'd listen to again. What I find most amusing about these albums is the disco vibe. For a band that hated disco, they sure used it to try to make a buck. But I guess they got the last laugh when disco died and KISS lived on.

Coming soon: I enter a baking contest. Has everyone been lying to me about my baking or can I win a blue ribbon? 

I like heavy metal and sea shanties*

Yes, those are three of the four solo KISS albums. I'm missing Ace Frehley's contribution which also happens to be the only one of the four that won't make your ears bleed. Best song on his album - "New York Groove". Interestingly, it sounds exactly like the many of the disco classics that KISS fans railed against in the seventies. That's probably partially why I like this song as much as I do.

Anyway, people are always a little surprised to find out that I like bands like KISS, Metallica, Black Sabbath, and Guns N' Roses. I know all the words to more Motley Crue songs than most normal people probably will admit to and I can honestly say I prefer Whitesnake over White Lion. I like the sound of Tom Keifer's voice and "Don't Know What You Got (Till It's Gone)" is my favorite Cinderella song. I thought the casting of Sebastian Bach on Gilmore Girls was inspired (and I'm assuming he wore his own leather pants since he paid so much for them when Skid Row hit it big). My metal love leans more towards glam metal bands than speed metal bands (with the notable exception of Metallica). I occasionally make Stryper jokes (that no one finds funny). I've seen Def Leppard in concert twice, Metallica once, and recently saw Black Sabbath for the first time. Ozzy is a strange, little man shuffling around on stage but man, he can wail. And Tony Iommi is a boss.

But I'm not a true metal fan; I'd consider myself a casual fan. I do alright when around other metal fans but eventually they'll figure out I that my favorite Crue song is "Without You" and I'll be laughed out of the room. I will never be like the little girl at the Sabbath show who owned it and has probably listened to Sabbath since she was in the womb. I'm sure she knew more of the songs than I did. I recently re-read Chuck Klosterman's heavy metal opus Fargo Rock City. This was the first Klosterman book I read when I started reading his stuff (it's my second favorite; Killing Yourself to Live is my favorite). In the book, Klosterman recounts how he "discovered" Motely Crue and became a metalhead in rural North Dakota. Like me, Chuck found metal because of his older brother. I can't help but enjoy these songs and appreciate bands that can out-glam David Bowie. I often wonder how much hairspray Poison used in the 80s.

I always think about this when I start to make a mix tape. How much metal (glam or othewise) is too much metal? If I listened to my brother the answer would probably be there is no such thing as enough metal and he'd also tell me I picked the wrong Van Halen song (this was an actual conversation we had over email recently). If I asked either of the members of the album club I belong to, they'd probably say none because neither seems to want to listen to any metal. I mentioned Metallica at one of our meetings and they both visibly shuddered.

There are metal songs and bands for mass consumption and then there are metal songs and bands that are only for the true fans. Def Leppard, although one of the more successful bands of the genre, is often dismissed by true metal fans because they're songs are "too commercial" (which really just means sorority girls know the words and dance to the songs at bars). Bon Jovi, Cinderella, Skid Row, and Whitesnake probably all fit into the same world as Def Leppard. Most of my friends would probably admit to knowing and/or liking a song by one of these bands and might even sing one at karaoke. Even Guns N' Roses could go on this list because most people like "Paradise City" and/or "Patience" (my 2nd and 3rd favorite GNR songs). I am not a true metal fan because I like to many of the commercially successful bands and their radio friendly songs. The crowd at the Sabbath show probably wouldn't have appreciated me bringing up the fact that Twisted Sister was in the first Pee-Wee Herman movie ("Burn in Hell" was playing and it was in the movie towards the end when Pee-Wee is on the film set stealing his bike back). Those are the ways that I enjoy metal bands and for that I will never truly be a member of the KISS army or whatever. My 5th favorite KISS song is "God Gave Rock&Roll To You" from the second Bill and Ted movie so clearly I'm just a girl who likes power guitars and long drum solos.

And this brings me back to the mix tape I'm currently working on for album club. The theme is summer music and I've selected a sub-theme of road trip. I've come up with exactly what I'd want to listen to if I was driving somewhere fun this summer so I guess that the mix works. But I still wonder if it's balanced enough: What is the proper balance of metal to punk to country to pop to The Smiths? So far, the mix includes three metal bands (Metallica, Van Halen, and Guns N' Roses), two punk bands (Rancid and The Stooges), one Smiths song, 70s era Heart, Liz Phair circa 2003, and Dolly Parton. There's also my favorite Bowie song to end the mix and nuggets by Neil Diamond, The Mighty Lemon Drops, and The Replacements. It's a weird road trip but those are the kinds I like best.

*This is a quote from one of my favorite characters, L.P., on the show Treme. I spent all of season three believing that L.P. was going to be killed and was so happy when he wasn't. This was what he told a girl in line at the airport as he left New Orleans.

Lazy Movie Weekend: Can you dig it?

Other than my birth and the introduction of the Happy Meal, probably the most significant event to happen in 1979 was the theatrical release of The Warriors and America's introduction to the only movie about gangs that really matters. I was in my early teens the first time I saw this movie probably on USA Up All Night or WGN midnight movies. I watched a lot of random and age inappropriate movies when I was in my early teens. Since I've started writing this blog and revealed more of these things, my mother has been horrified. I think she should take it in stride; I could have done drugs or had a kid or been arrested (or all three at the same time). Watching age inappropriate movies seems tame.

The Warriors is one of those odd movies that I feel everyone should know but I always have to explain it to people. I do remember meeting the husband of a former co-worker and immediately bonding over our mutual love of this movie. I ended up being one of the few people he ever spoke to at work social events and usually our conversation returned to The Warriors. I will totally be your friend if you like this movie even if we have little else to talk about (or lots to talk about-it doesn't really matter).

I've been wanting to write about The Warriors for a long time. Unlike other movies I've written about, this one is not particularly funny or uplifting. Don't get me wrong - there are some hilarious things in this movie (themed gangs?) but it's not funny. After reading Bad Shakespeare's recent post about thinking about movies like we do literature, I realized that this is ultimately what I do with movies I love. I spend a lot of time analyzing and dissecting these movies. It's like I think I'm going to be graded on my critique of the themes in You've Got Mail. I liked Bad Shakespeare's point about filmmakers constructing novels on screen. That's what The Warriors is for me, a novel on screen.

Around the same time I first saw this movie, I was very into reading Greek and Roman history and mythology. At the time, I had no idea that this movie had source material very closely related to what I was reading but now that I know that it all just makes sense. Both the book (yes, there was a book first) and the film are based in part on the Greek story Anabasis by Xenophon, a student of Socrates. The story is about the Ten Thousand Army, a Greek army of mercenaries, marching to seize the throne of Persia. They ultimately fail and have to march back home. This will all make sense once we start to discuss The Warriors in more detail. Here are two important words for you to know:

• Anabasis: An expedition from the coastline into the interior of a country
• Katabasis: An expedition from the interior to the coastline

Armed with this knowledge, are you ready? Can you dig it?

1. It should be dark when you watch this movie. It's filmed almost exclusively at night so watching during the day is wrong as an experience and makes it hard to see.
2. The Michael Beck conundrum: I previously wrote about Michael Beck and the movie Xanadu. In this movie he plays Swan, the gang's second in command and was poised to become a much bigger star than he actually became because of The Warriors. However, he donned roller skates (and very tiny shorts) and pined and pouted for Olivia Newton-John's muse Kira and (more than likely) the silliness of Xanadu canceled out any credibility from The Warriors. I love both movies equally but I can see why Mr. Beck would be bitter. 
3. The Warriors all wear vests. I probably don't need to say any more but I will. These men can wear vests. Gentlemen, take note. Learn from the masters.
4. Cleon establishes the hierarchy of the gang (through an odd assortment of flashbacks) and the Warriors leave the confines of Coney Island (the coastline) to go to the Bronx (the interior) for a huge gang meeting. Instead of marching, they take the subway. I like to imagine this is how Greek armies would travel today.
5.  I'd like to point out that Cleon uses the word "conclave" in the opening sequence. 
6. Themed gangs! We've got mimes, guys in fatigues, and the Baseball Furies (more on them later). Is this how gangs really work? If I had a themed gang, our theme would probably be characters from musicals. Except Cats. I hate Cats.
7. Many of the gangs actually buy subway tokens to get to the conclave. Like proper gentlemen. And then thousands of gang members converge in the Bronx. This is probably better than thousands of hipsters converging in Brooklyn.
8. "Can you dig it?" Seriously, Cyrus (the leader the Grammercy Riffs and the gang leader of gang leaders) is the greatest. If I could say "Can you dig it?" like him then my life would be very different.
9. Of course, Cyrus is not with us for very long. His death starts the whole thing off and a Warrior knows who did it. The Warriors, not actually realizing they're being framed for murder, do exactly what anyone else would do: they regroup in a cemetery. The plan: make it to the subway platform at Union Square. Once the Warriors get there, they're home free.
10. Quite possibly the greatest DJ voice of all time: Lynne Thigpen. Yes, she was also the Chief on Where In the World is Carmen Sandiego? - but this is just so much better. She dedicates the song "Nowhere to Run" to the Warriors.
11. Tony Danza was originally supposed to play Vermin but took the role on Taxi instead. I'd say he made the perfect choice because I could never take this movie seriously if Tony Danza was in it.
12. "When we get there that's when we made it." Wise words, Swan, wise words.
13. The Gramercy Riffs (Cyrus's gang) is taken over by Masai who begins to get creepy updates from random stooges. Like the Nome King in Return to Oz.
14. So Luther, the actual bad guy. Luther is that dangerous combination of stupid, psychotic, and mean. All I ever want to do is punch him despite his oddly photogenic hair.
15. Ajax (my 3rd favorite Warrior played by James Remar) says the best line of the movie: "When did you turn into a fucking diplomat?" Swan makes a face because that's what he does.
16. In addition to conclave being used, Swan and the Orphans use the word "parlay" like they're pirates.
17. Enter Mercy. Every movie has to have a love interest and so we have Mercy. And her shoes which trouble me the entire movie.
18. One of my favorite moments is when Swan throws a Molotov cocktail like a boss. And a car explodes. That's how you make an exit.
19. You know that part in The Wiz when they're in the station and it comes to life and tries to kill them? I always think of that every time the Warriors enter any subway station. And yes, Fox does get thrown in front of a subway car. By a cop. I did not just hallucinate that moment.
20. Holy cow, the Baseball Furies. Greatest gang concept ever. The director, Walter Hill, is an avid baseball and KISS fan so this gang was his homage to both. What I find creepy is that none of them ever speak. I would have loved if they had spouted KISS lyrics in their taunts. But that's probably not really appropriate for this movie.
21. Never trust a group of women hanging out in the subway late at night or one woman just randomly sitting on a park bench. Gentlemen, think with your brains. That is all. And yes, that is Mercedes Ruehl.
22. The Lizzies - the girl gang. Seriously, boys are dumb (except Rembrandt since he knows this ain't right). My larger question about this gang is how does one acquire a gang lair? Do you have to pay rent? Are you responsible for damages to said gang lair? Because that's going to suck for the Lizzies.
23. Mercy: I can't go in there. It's a men's room. Swan: Are you kidding? Given their earlier conversations about Mercy's profession, this just makes me laugh and laugh.
24. If you're keeping track, the Warriors have defeated five gangs by the time they get on the train home to Coney Island: the Turnbull ACs, the Orphans, the Baseball Furies, the Lizzies and the Punks. Remember, the Warriors were here.
25. The scene where the prom couples get on the subway and sit across from Mercy and Swan who are filthy and beat up. Mercy goes to fix her hair and Swan stops her because they don't need to prove themselves to anyone.
26. The sun rises on Coney Island and it is magical. "This is what we fought all night to get back to?" says Swan with a hint of disdain. He then launches into a weird conversation about leaving Coney Island. I'm guessing he was thinking, "I'll move to California and be an artist. And fall in love with a muse."
27. And of course the most famous quote of the movie: "Warriors, come out to pla-ay." Luther continues to creep me out no matter how much time passes. And the bottle thing is just annoying. Seriously, I want to punch him.
28. Which brings us to the last stand on the beach at dawn. Very Greek epic of the Warriors and the Rogues. Luther proves he is one crazy dude, Swan throws a knife like a boss (this is my favorite way to describe people), and the Gramercy Riffs arrive to exact justice on the Rogues. 
29. And the Warriors walk off into the sunset and do whatever it is gangs do when they're not fighting (Nap? Play cards?) all while "In the City" by Joe Walsh plays in the background. 

Did you get all that symbolism? Are you going to start using anabasis and katabasis in your daily conversations? I had something like 10 pages of notes from watching the movie but distilled it down to the essentials. I think for my birthday this year (in addition to wanting an a cappella group to follow me around all day singing my favorite songs), I'd like to host a double feature of The Warriors and Xanadu - two of my favorite movies, both featuring Michael Beck, both including Greek mythology/stories as major plot points. This sounds like an excellent birthday to me.

If someone wants to come as a Swan/Sonny combo (including roller skates and a Warriors vest), well, you might be my new best friend.


Next time: In anticipation of the new David Bowie album, I discuss my love of all things Bowie and wish that I had been born when cool things happened. Like David Bowie. In concert. All the time.

Helpful Warriors resources:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Warriors_%28film%29
www.imdb.com
http://warriorsmovie.co.uk/
http://photos.lucywho.com/michael-beck-photos-t49395.html