Old Lady Concert Rules: A Frivolous Army

Old Lady Concert Rule #37: Just because you can, doesn't mean you should. 

I own all four solo KISS albums on vinyl. I don't share this because I think I'm cool (I'm not). It doesn't mean I'm a devoted KISS fan either; I only own the solo albums, The most devoted KISS fans would say that means I don't get to be in the club. I have a few singles in my iTunes library...all of which came from my brother's extensive KISS music collection. My top five favorite KISS songs are:

1. "Beth"
2.  "God of Thunder"
3. "Detroit Rock City"
4. "Strutter"/"Hard Luck Woman"
5. "God Gave Rock and Roll To You"

I'm not a deep cut kind of KISS fan. I own all four solo albums because I like collecting ridiculous things. These albums exist for no real reason except it was 1978 and KISS was the most famous band in America (maybe the world, but that might be pushing it). KISS's popularity wasn't just because they put out hit after hit; they put on a damn good show. It was theatrical and included pyrotechnics and costumes and makeup. They were making a ton of money, selling out stadium shows, and being rock and roll stars. The band, their manager, and their label thought, "Let's capitalize on this success by putting out four solo albums. Yeah, that's exactly what we should do." And they did! They made four full solo albums for the sole reason to make money. If this isn't an example of rock and roll hubris, I don't know what is. The albums failed spectacularly, and marked the beginning of the end of the original lineup of the band (Gene Simmons, Peter Criss, Paul Stanley, and Ace Frehley). Obviously, KISS never really went away, both in music and merchandising. You can legit buy anything with some level of KISS branding on it (I type this while looking at a Hello Kitty version of Starchild). I'm seeing them for the second time on Sunday on what is apparently their farewell tour. 

But seriously, these albums. I've owned all of these albums since 2008-ish, but have never listened to them fully or all at one time. I also only paid for one of them; the other three were gifts and they were all used. KISS received nothing from my purchases. In preparation for Sunday's concert, where none of these songs will be played, I thought I'd spend my week listening to all four albums and finally decide if this experiment was the dumpster fire of 1978 everyone says it was.

While there's no agreed upon order in which to listen to these albums, I decided on the bookend approach: Gene Simmons (the most ridiculous album), Paul Stanley, Peter Criss, and Ace Frehley (the best album).  

Like watching crap movies, I do these things so you don't have to. 

Gene Simmons

While my second favorite KISS song is "God of Thunder," Gene Simmons is my least favorite member of the band. I get it, without Gene there is no KISS, but that doesn't mean I have to like him. His solo album feels like what would happen if the 70s threw up on an album. I don't know if Gene has dirt on lots of people or if they were all like, "being on a KISS solo album is really good for my career, so sure I'll sing back up or be the weird talking voice on the worst song ever." Somehow he convinced all of these people to take part.. Donna Summer, Helen Reddy, Bob Seger, Joe Perry, and freaking Cher appear on this album. It's crazy pants and make absolutely no sense at all. 

The song with Donna Summer is a disco song. For a band that hated disco so much, it's weird that all four albums have at least one song that's reminiscent of a disco song or actually is one. 

Best Songs: "See You Tonite," "Radioactive," and " Near You/Nowhere to Hide" 

Worst Song: "Living in Sin" - this is the song that features Cher and the line "I'm living in sin at the Holiday Inn." I can't make this up. 

Song that would be better if someone else sang it: "Mr. Make Believe" - I feel like a Cassidy or maybe Davy Jones should have sang this song. It would have made more sense.
Weirdest Song: Gene singing "When You Wish Upon a Star." It makes no sense, but it exists and you need to listen to it too. 

Fun fact: Katey Sagal is a backup singer on this album. She also dated Simmons at some point.

Paul Stanley

The biggest issue with Paul Stanley's album is that it's not all that memorable. I imagine this is the album Paul would have made if he hadn't been a part of KISS. He would have ended up being a moderately famous solo artist who sang forgettable rock songs. Paul has a great voice, always has, so it's not unpleasant to listen to, just not that exciting. Basically, this is the album KISS would have made if they found their main singer on YouTube and he sounded exactly like Paul Stanley, but was less interesting. 

Best Songs: "Love in Chains," "It's Alright"

Worst Song: I don't remember enough of the other songs to pick a worst song. 

Song that would be better if someone else sang it: "Hold Me, Touch Me" is basically a Carpenters song. 

Fun fact: Keely came out of my bedroom during Paul's album. He hated the rest of this experience, mostly because my listening to records made it hard for him to get in living room window.

Peter Criss

As I was listening to this album, all I could think of was if Quentin Tarantino wasn't the kind of director he is, he could have used this album as the K-Billy's Super Sounds of the 70s soundtrack in Reservoir Dogs. It's the most bluesy (and that's being polite) of the four albums, and feels more old school rock and roll. The other thing that I couldn't help but notice is how quiet the album is. For the album from the drummer, you'd think it would be a little louder, but it's not. I was underwhelmed. 

Best Songs: "You Matter to Me," Hooked on Rock 'N Roll" 

Worst Song: There wasn't really a worst song since most of the rest of the album wasn't memorable.

Songs that would be better if someone else sang it: "Don't You Let Me Down" - another teen idol-y song. "Hooked on Rock 'N Roll" could be a Little Richard song. 

Weird lyrics I can't get over: 

"I was vaccinated with a victrolla needle

And now I'm hooked on rock 'n roll." 

That's not how vaccinations work. I hope everyone knows that. 

Ace Frehley

Hands down, this is the best album of the four. Not only would I listen to this album again in it's entirety, it lives up to the hype of being the best of the solo albums. This is the only album of the four that even comes close to being like a KISS album, and it's just fun to listen to. The single, "New York Groove" was the most successful song from any of the albums, reaching number 13 on the Hot 100. It's a cover of a song by the band Hello, a British glam rock band. Listening to the versions side by side is sort of like listening to Toto and Weezer's versions of "Africa" back to back; a faithful cover that makes you like both songs more than you did before. "New York Groove" is another song that's pretty close to being a disco song. I love this song, so I'm not going to complain, but seriously, it's a disco song. 

By far, my favorite part of the entire album was "Fractured Mirror." It's an instrumental piece and it's awesome. It showcases Frehley's skills as a guitar player. That's really what separates his album from the rest; he wasn't trying to do anything but make something that was going to be fun to listen to. 

Best Songs: "Ozone," "New York Groove," "I'm In Need of Love," and "Fractured Mirror"

There aren't any bad songs on this album. It rocks. All the songs are on YouTube, or you can go out an buy a used version on vinyl and enjoy it the way Ace Frehley and whatever deity you like intended. 

Are these albums terrible? Not really, but in no way were they going to make KISS more popular than they already were in 1978. It was a gamble that didn'tpay off and is one more thing that makes it easy to make fun of KISS if that's a thing you like to do. Ace Frehley's album is the best, and there are seven other songs across the other three albums I'd listen to again. What I find most amusing about these albums is the disco vibe. For a band that hated disco, they sure used it to try to make a buck. But I guess they got the last laugh when disco died and KISS lived on.

Coming soon: I enter a baking contest. Has everyone been lying to me about my baking or can I win a blue ribbon?