On the next episode of House Hunters Northern Virginia*

*Not a real show.

I had a stress dream about buying a condo. In the dream, I bought this really beautiful condo in Arlington that's just at the top of my budget, but is worth the ridiculous condo fee (because all utilities are included and it's Arlington) and the weird parking lot that's like driving up a hill to a haunted house. At closing, the dude selling the condo tells me that I also have to take ownership of his dog because the dog comes with the condo. We argue about the fact that I don't want a dog as I already have the most handsome cat in the world and he would probably eat the dog. The seller was adamant that I take the dog. This went on for what seemed like eternity until my realtor stepped in and said he would take the dog on my behalf. The seller wasn't happy, but he agreed and I got my condo. My realtor took the dog and I woke up.

I don't know anything about dream analysis, but in terms of oddness, this ranks just after the time I dreamed that all of my leadership development program participants couldn't speak anymore so they needed to present their final projects to the executive team using only interpretive dance. I can make an assumption that the dog represents my apprehension in making a decision about buying a home, not because I dislike the place or it's a bad choice, but because it then becomes a "living" thing that will need care and feeding and my time. Can I manage all of these things? Am I spending too much? Is it the right place for me? It's a lot to think about and you know how I like to overthink everything.

As of yesterday, I've looked at fourteen places. This includes three townhouses and eleven condos. I've driven from Centreville to Fairfax to Kingstowne and all over Alexandria and Arlington looking at places. I've parked illegally three times, hoping my car would still be there when I returned. I've seen the horrors of people who think wall art is a good idea. I've seen so much bad carpet and terrible light fixtures. I've walked out of places asking myself, "Who lives here and why do they think someone else is going to take over this horror show?" I've also left places thinking "That was awesome. Too bad it's in a terrible neighborhood where I'd have to install more security cameras than a bank and get a Doberman." Of the fourteen places, only four have made the "might buy" list and at least one of them is under contract already. The other three are still sitting, waiting for me to do something. 

According to a quick Google search, fourteen viewings is slightly above the average number of places a person will view before buying a home. Apparently, the more places you view, the slower you're evolving as a buyer. I don't think the person who wrote that article has ever purchased real estate in Northern Virginia. I've looked at places within a few miles of each other and you would think I was on another planet. The stark differences between one condo and another is overwhelming. I went to one place yesterday that looked like it hadn't been updated since 1984. Another place had a creepy hallway straight out of The Shining. Thankfully, my realtor laughed when I made a "redrum" joke. Several other places are actually smaller than my one bedroom apartment (although they have more rooms), but they cost way more - what exactly am I getting out of this deal? If I followed the article's advice and purchased a place after only 8-10 viewings, I'd be living in a pit. I'm not evolving slowly, I have taste.

I've never really gotten into the show House Hunters, particularly not the ones where people are buying houses on islands. The couples always seem to have a huge budget for having a job that sounds made up, and don't seem to have ever spoken to one another about what they actually want in a house. However, the more condos and houses I look at, the more I think I might be turning into them minus the ridiculous job and crazy budget. I've actually thought and/or said enough of the phrases on the above card to get BINGO (I'll let you guess which ones). I'm looking at two more places today. I hope by the end of this round, I'll narrow down my contender list and make a decision. My realtor is being very patient (bless him) and is convinced I will find my home sooner rather than later. And then the fun of the offer and closing process begins.

What stress dream will I have next?

House Hunters Bingo

You're Doing Everything Wrong: British Baking Show Edition

It's no secret that I watch reality television. I have, over the years, enjoyed The Real Housewives of New Jersey (although I don't want it anymore), Project Runway, Project Runway All-Stars, Face/Off, RuPaul's Drag Race, Food Network Star, Iron Chef, and The Real World (through the New Orleans cast so 1999?). I watch a lot of Food Network shows which are not really reality tv but they all take place in the chef's homes so I feel like they fit into the category. Is it weird that we all know what Giada's kitchen looks like or that we know where Ina keeps the serving platters in her house? Probably but it's best not to think about it too much.

I've never been into shows like Teen Mom or anything involving a Kardashian. Big Brother, The Amazing Race, and Survivor don't appeal to me at all. I absolutely can't get into The Bachelor although I loved Rock of Love, the show that followed Poison front man Bret Michaels on his quest for love while still living his rock and roll lifestyle. There was something so beautiful and completely bananas about that show. Like a lot of things that existed in the early 2000s, Rock of Love came to us at exactly the right time for what it was. We will never, ever recapture that moment...which is absolutely, 100% the right life choice for us all.

Reality television is a lot of things: voyeuristic, funny, sexist, exploitative, sad, heartfelt, creative. Most of the time, it's great escapist fun. Some of the time, it's dangerous and harmful. Reality television creates great villains and even better heroes. We all become #TeamSomeone at some point in our viewing life. People typically refer to reality television as a "guilty pleasure" because they're embarrassed to admit to watching it. I've written about this before; I hate the concept of guilty pleasures. I don't believe we need to apologize for the things we enjoy or hide our interests because someone considers them too lowbrow. The things we enjoy, from music to books to television to movies, make us the unique and interesting people we are.

With the exception of the Jersey housewives and old school Real World, the reality television I tend to watch are competition shows, specifically creative competition shows. As a creative person myself, I feel like these types of shows help inspire my own work. Cooking and baking shows are great for picking up techniques and new ideas for how to make different recipes OR they make you hungry enough to bust out the old baking pans and create something new. While not entirely devoid of the "drama" of placing a variety of personalities in close quarters for weeks at a time, most of the shows I watch lack the table-flipping, hair pulling antics of members of any Real Housewives casts. There's usually a villain but that villain still likes the way you drape a skirt or make a fruit tart.

However, the relative politeness of a Food Network Star contestant is not even close to the actual politeness of everyone involved in The Great British Baking Show (only called this in the US because Pillsbury owns the trademark on "Bake Off" here - fascinating). I'm late to the GBBO (as the cool kids call it, I'm sure) game but I'm not disappointed I joined in. The show began in 2010 and has been credited with a resurgence in baking, particularly traditional baking, across the UK. PBS broadcasts the show in the US and the last three seasons are currently available on Netflix. I just started season three last night. If you've never watched the show here's the way it works: 12 (although this has varied over the seasons) home bakers compete in a 10-week baking challenge. Each weekend, the group goes through three challenges: Signature (their "best of"), Technical, and Showstopper. The technical challenge is always wild; judges (Mary Berry and Paul Hollywood through the season I'm watching) provide a recipe to showcase technical skills. The recipe is often missing information like baking temperature or time. The bakers have to use what they know to figure it out. Additionally, many of the technical challenges are items no one has ever heard of or they've heard of but never seen. This challenge is my favorite.

This is my favorite cake of the 2 seasons I've watched.

The constant, and what I love most about this show, is how nice everyone is. From the judges to the presenters to the contestants, everyone is absolutely lovely. The contestants don't try to sabotage one another (although there was controversy over the Baked Alaska Showstopper challenge in the first season I watched) and they help each other out when they can. They seem supportive of one another in a highly stressful environment. The presenters, Mel and Sue (in the seasons I'm watching), are hilarious and provide the right amount of sass and encouragement to contestants. They're like a funnier, bawdier Tim Gunns. Even the judges, Paul Hollywood (of icy blue eyes and particular taste in everything), and Mary Berry (just freaking delightful), are polite...even when they're providing a less than positive critique. Mary Berry (I have to say her whole name all the time) is the kind of person that you don't want to disappoint and it's exciting to see the reaction of a baker when she praises them. They're all a little in love with/afraid of Paul so that's fun to watch too. One of my favorite Mary Berry compliments was to Ruby (I think): "That's bit of alright." I want to say that all the time in a British accent when someone does well. It sounds so good.

The politeness is just one of the things that sets GBBO apart from the other reality shows out there. The other two elements of this show that astound me are that bakers go home during the week and they get to practice. Unlike pretty much every reality competition series I've ever watched, the bakers get to go home each week. This makes a huge difference in their demeanor and their behavior. While they may be in a foreign environment to bake, they're not completely cut off from their support networks. It makes a huge difference in the way each person handles stress; they stress about the challenge not missing work or being away from loved ones. It creates, at least as I view it, a level of focus on the challenges that I don't think I've ever seen on other reality competition shows. What's also interesting is how they balance home responsibilities and being in the competition. They go about their normal lives between weekend challenges so they go to work, take their exams (there's always a young baker still in school), and care for their children or grandchildren. They have time to relax between being in the stress of the tent (the "kitchen" is a tent in the countryside complete with cut away shots of lambs and goats...it's enchanting).

They also get to practice. According to several articles I read about the show, bakers are given information in advance for the Signature and Showstopper Challenges. This allows them time to practice in between weeks. Practice is important, especially when you think about what they have to create for the Showstopper Challenge. Getting ingredients right, construction techniques down, and flavor profiles in line makes all of the difference. One of my pet peeves with most competition shows I watch is that it seems like none of the contestants watch previous seasons before they show up for theirs (I know this is untrue but come on). Contestants always seem completely unprepared for what's about to happen to them; that's not the case on GBBO. While there are surprises and mishaps, the bakers always seem to know what they're up against even when they have literally never heard of the recipe they're asked to make for a technical challenge. I truly believe it's the ability to practice that helps with this. They're comfortable with what they're doing and they make beautiful and delicious baked goods.

Did I forget to mention there's no prize? There is a prize, a beautiful cake stand presented by Mary Berry on the finale episode, but there's no monetary prize for winning the show. Bakers spend more money to be in the show than is probably worth it since they have to practice and send samples to producers in advance. Several of the show's winners and finalists have gone on to great success in the baking world, writing cookbooks, opening bakeries, and even doing spinoff shows so they obviously benefit from being on the show. However, I've never gotten the sense that any of them are on the show for this reason. They're on the show to do something they love: bake. I can completely understand.

So while I believe we are doing everything wrong when it comes to reality competition shows, I would not change any of the other shows for the world because it would take a bit of the specialness away from The Great British Baking Show.

As I dive into making a coconut cake this weekend, I'll keep Mary Berry in mind, "That's a bit of alright."

Frances & the finale Showstopper
GBBO cast 
Mary Berry

Aren't there enough things to feel guilty about in the world?

I love The Real Housewives of New Jersey.

I bet you just judged me a little. Or a lot depending on your personal opinions on RHONJ or any of the Housewives shows. It's also possible that you let me off the hook for liking the show because you also know that Anna Karenina is my favorite novel. They cancel each other out in some form of socially acceptable judgmental math. 

It's possible that you too love the ladies of New Jersey especially since Dina Manzo is back this season which means more Grandma Wrinkles and great combinations of Zen-like phrases and shade. You're probably excited that someone else publicly admitted liking the show before you did. I'm going to hazard a guess that you're probably a firm believer in the concept of guilty pleasures and you only admit to liking a show like The Real Housewives of New Jersey if someone else does it first. Or maybe you're in the trust tree of happy hour and have had one more glass of whatever than you would normally have and you decide to bust out your best Melissa Gorga impression. There's absolutely no judgment here. I'm also going to take this opportunity to encourage the producers of RHONJ to institute the "trust tree of happy hour" on every episode.

I'm here to tell you that guilty pleasures are crap. It's a crap idea and we need to strike if from our vocabulary. If you're unfamiliar with the concept of a guilty pleasure, it's something that a person enjoys but feels guilty that they enjoy it because whatever it is (music, tv shows, movies, books, etc.) is somehow considered more lowbrow or are embarrassing. Guilty pleasures are often found in pop culture - the Housewives franchises, most reality tv shows, certain types of pop music, reading People magazine. Other people get their joy from making fun of you for your likes or maybe taking some form of joy in your embarrassment at liking whatever in the first place. The German term for this idea of joy at the expense of others is "schadenfreude" which sounds very unfun and serious.

This idea of implied guilt drives me absolutely crazy. I have never understood why I should feel guilty or embarrassed about liking certain tv shows, books, movies, or music. You don't have to like what I like and I don't have to like what you like but neither of us should feel guilty about liking what we like. I don't like Fifty Shades of Grey for a whole host of reasons but if you enjoyed reading it and plan to see the movie, just own that. Be okay with the fact that you like the book and enjoyed it. Owning what you enjoy is part of being the best you that you can be. Don't apologize for what makes you happy. There is enough unhappiness in the world why add more?

Which brings me to what I what I really want to talk about today - Sharknado 2. 

That's Pumpkin judging me. Because that's what cats do.

If you're a regular reader of the Island you may remember that I wrote two posts about the first Sharknado. You can read them here and here. No one was expecting the kind of reaction to Sharknado that actually occurred. The fact that a ridiculous movie like this took over Twitter when it originally aired was shocking. The SyFy channel appeals to a very specific fan and I have a feeling even the creators of the movie didn't anticipate it's popularity or the social media frenzy that occurred.


It is by no means a great or even particularly good movie but it's entertaining in its badness. So many improbable and bizarre things happen in this movie that you can't help but love it. I also happen to enjoy the unexpected use of a chainsaw towards the end - good stuff. The basic premise is that super tornadoes somehow suck up sharks into their funnel and then the sharks drop on the unsuspecting people below, killing them. Because science.

I missed out on the Twitter party during the first Sharknado. I was at a work event when it premiered and didn't get to watch the movie until a few days later. I was not disappointed in my experience. When I heard that SyFy was already planning a sequel, I was excited. Where would the sharknadoes hit next? And would America be prepared?

Sharknado 2: The Second One was pretty much everything I didn't know I wanted in a sequel to a ridiculous made for tv movie. I'm still astounded by the sheer number of celebrities that participated in this film. There are random musicians (Biz Markie is my favorite), original MTV VJs, Matt Lauer and Al Roker, an Osbourne, Pepa from Salt N Pepa, Robert Hayes, and two members of the cast of Independence Day. Judd Hirsch and Vivica A. Fox helped defeat aliens so I'm sure they're up to the task of taking care of some sharknadoes. Ian Ziering and Tara Reid are back, reprising their roles of Fin and April. Fin has become a national hero and April has written a book about how to survive a sharknado (I like what you did there movie makers). They're on their way to New York for a book tour and to visit Fin's sister and her incredibly awkward family (her husband is Mark McGrath from Sugar Ray - no joke). They don't even make it off the plane before the sharknadoes start again, April loses a hand, and Wil Wheaton (surprise!) dies. Also, Robert Hayes is the pilot. So many things happened in the first ten minutes of the movie it was almost hard to keep up.

Not only did I watch Sharknado 2 as it premiered but I also got to participate in the Twitter event which was so much fun that I want to do it all again. It just so happened that wonderful Neek Confessional, Jessica, joined Twitter just in time for us to watch it together (virtually). I really wanted to get #sharknadosurvivaltips going but that didn't happen (maybe with Sharknado 3 - yep, it's happening). My Twitter habits are typically limited to retweeting celebrities I follow and adorable cat videos. I was surprised at how much I enjoyed live tweeting the movie. I'm sure there are other more clever tweeters out there but I held my own. I'm particularly proud of my MC Hammer "Please Hammer Don't Hurt Em" reference in reply to a friend's query about the casting choice of Biz Markie. He suggested that MC Hammer would have been good too. People I don't know favorited and re-tweeted me. And we all need a little social media love every now and then.

My point with all of this is that millions of people participated in the viewing and tweeting of Sharknado 2. No one, at least to my knowledge, was mean to one another. People didn't act like jerkfaces just because they were behind their keyboards or tried to make people feel bad about enjoying Sharknado 2. The Internet love was strong; for two whole hours we all got along. This rarely happens in life. Let's relish in the harmony that SyFy brought to the world even if it was short-lived. Rarely does a day go by when I don't read about some horrible incident of online trolling so I like the fact that this event had none of that negativity.

I refuse to call this a "guilty pleasure" - I feel no guilt in genuinely having fun watching a ridiculous movie. I'm eagerly awaiting Sharknado 3. Please let it take place somewhere insane like Des Moines.

The more you know...reality television edition

Reality television is not supposed to teach us anything. Not really. That's not why these shows were created. The premise of every show seems to be either "let's throw a bunch of strangers into a house, RV, kitchen, sewing room, jungle, or wherever else we feel like and see what happens" OR "let's film some family we deem weird or odd or stupid living their lives and sort of poke fun of them but really they're in on the joke (sort of)." You know from day one who the villain is and who you're supposed to cheer for. Even before hashtags became a thing we were always "Team Someone"; Twitter just made it more public.

I have watched a healthy amount of reality television. I was a huge Real World fan in the early years and I've been known to indulge in the Real Housewives of New Jersey. My second favorite reality tv show is Project Runway. It would be my favorite but Mondo didn't win his season and Anya won hers. I question the validity of a show that allows those two things to happen. While I don't think any of the shows I enjoy or hate watch aimed to teach me anything in particular, I've learned a few things from watching, intentional or not:

1. In a group of seven strangers, there will be one total tool, a virgin, and a girl who falls in love with everyone. (The Real World, 1992-1994 and 1998-2000 - the only seasons that matter)
2. If you're on a show that's premise is based on the fact that you can design and construct a garment, you should probably have basic sewing skills. (Project Runway)
3. Additionally, if you claim to want to be a fashion designer you should probably know some fashion history. It might be cool to know designers like Chanel and Valentino. (Project Runway)
4. It's okay to cry when a person you don't know but admire dies. (The Real World - San Francisco)
5. "Make it work" - always listen to Tim Gunn. Tim Gunn will never lie to you. (Project Runway)
6. Glen Hetrick's eyebrows deserve their own television show. (Face Off)
7. Every design must look expensive even if you are using place mats and garbage bags. This is the gosepl according to Nina. (Project Runway)
8. Ve Neil and I should be best friends. (Face Off)
9. Never get into an argument about politics, race, or poverty with people you've only just met and have been forced to live with for a year. (The Real World)
10. Michael Kors was a stand up comic in another life. Or he's just really good at reading people. (Project Runway)
11. How to make prosthetic pieces for creature effects. (Face Off)
12. That I probably shouldn't live in New Jersey. And if I ever do, I should always focus on living within my means. (The Real Housewives of New Jersey)

And most importantly:

“Honey, if you can’t love yourself, how the hell you gonna love someone else?"

If you've never seen RuPaul's Drag Race than you are missing out. As any fan of the show knows, the fabulous RuPaul signs off every episode with the above line and follows it up with "Can I get an amen?" I'm fairly certain that everyone watching the show shouts out "Amen" in response. It's just what you do.

If you're not familiar with the radiant RuPaul, watch this video for "Supermodel (Of the World)":

RuPaul's Drag Race is my favorite. It's genius - the premise of the show is that a group of drag queens compete against one another to be America's Next Drag Superstar. What could be better than that? From RuPaul and her girls, we've all learned the true meaning of the word "reading" and how many levels of shade actually exist in the universe. I've also learned a ton about makeup application (which I will never use but it's interesting) and how to perfectly execute an eye roll.

RuPaul is actually one the reasons that Drag Race is so popular and easy to watch: she's genuinely a good person, cares about the competitors, and while the critique may be harsh, it's meant to make the queen in question a better performer. I'm not 100% certain but I think when RuPaul laughs a drag queen in training gets her first wig. Joining RuPaul at the judges' table are Michelle Visage, a singer and radio personality, and Santino Rice, a Project Runway alum (season two - one of my favorite seasons). The trio is joined each week by some fantastic celebrities like Bob Mackie, Jackie Collins, Linda Blair, Khloe Kardashian, Neil Patrick Harris, and Sheryl Lee Ralph (to name a few). The final say is always RuPaul's but the judges' comments are always a treat.

The challenges are always odd and inventive and the runway portion of the show never disappoints. To say that every drag queen is unique is an understatement. This season's cast featured some gems - Milk, Vivacious, BenDeLaCreme, even Laganja (although I could not have taken another episode with her - she should change her name to Laganja Drama). My personal favorite is Bianca Del Rio. Her wit, style, and "realness" is refreshing. Bianca is not on the show to make friends - it's a contest. She's there to win. Thankfully, we have seen a softer side of Bianca emerge over the end of the season (acting as almost a drag mother to Adore and Trinity) and you know Ru likes her winners to be glamorous, talented, able to read a person, but also nice and caring. If Bianca doesn't win, I predict there will be a sequin riot at RuPaul's front door. Incidentally, Sequin Riot would also be the perfect name for a punk band fronted by Adore Delano. Adore, if you're reading this you should seriously consider the band as a career pathway. I will be your tour manager and help you sew costumes.

The crowning of America's Next Drag Superstar is this Monday. In honor of my favorite, Bianca Del Rio, I have created a cupcake that I'm tentatively calling "Rolodex of Hate Marble Cupcakes" - the swirl evokes both the spin of a Rolodex and the black and white wig she wore in episode six.

Maybe the real lesson of reality television is that you need to get out there and do you. Be creative, say ridiculous things, hone your Tim Gunn impression, make the world a more sparkly place - get out there and do it.

#teambianca

Bianca Del Rio image
Cupcakes by me