The more you know...reality television edition

Reality television is not supposed to teach us anything. Not really. That's not why these shows were created. The premise of every show seems to be either "let's throw a bunch of strangers into a house, RV, kitchen, sewing room, jungle, or wherever else we feel like and see what happens" OR "let's film some family we deem weird or odd or stupid living their lives and sort of poke fun of them but really they're in on the joke (sort of)." You know from day one who the villain is and who you're supposed to cheer for. Even before hashtags became a thing we were always "Team Someone"; Twitter just made it more public.

I have watched a healthy amount of reality television. I was a huge Real World fan in the early years and I've been known to indulge in the Real Housewives of New Jersey. My second favorite reality tv show is Project Runway. It would be my favorite but Mondo didn't win his season and Anya won hers. I question the validity of a show that allows those two things to happen. While I don't think any of the shows I enjoy or hate watch aimed to teach me anything in particular, I've learned a few things from watching, intentional or not:

1. In a group of seven strangers, there will be one total tool, a virgin, and a girl who falls in love with everyone. (The Real World, 1992-1994 and 1998-2000 - the only seasons that matter)
2. If you're on a show that's premise is based on the fact that you can design and construct a garment, you should probably have basic sewing skills. (Project Runway)
3. Additionally, if you claim to want to be a fashion designer you should probably know some fashion history. It might be cool to know designers like Chanel and Valentino. (Project Runway)
4. It's okay to cry when a person you don't know but admire dies. (The Real World - San Francisco)
5. "Make it work" - always listen to Tim Gunn. Tim Gunn will never lie to you. (Project Runway)
6. Glen Hetrick's eyebrows deserve their own television show. (Face Off)
7. Every design must look expensive even if you are using place mats and garbage bags. This is the gosepl according to Nina. (Project Runway)
8. Ve Neil and I should be best friends. (Face Off)
9. Never get into an argument about politics, race, or poverty with people you've only just met and have been forced to live with for a year. (The Real World)
10. Michael Kors was a stand up comic in another life. Or he's just really good at reading people. (Project Runway)
11. How to make prosthetic pieces for creature effects. (Face Off)
12. That I probably shouldn't live in New Jersey. And if I ever do, I should always focus on living within my means. (The Real Housewives of New Jersey)

And most importantly:

“Honey, if you can’t love yourself, how the hell you gonna love someone else?"

If you've never seen RuPaul's Drag Race than you are missing out. As any fan of the show knows, the fabulous RuPaul signs off every episode with the above line and follows it up with "Can I get an amen?" I'm fairly certain that everyone watching the show shouts out "Amen" in response. It's just what you do.

If you're not familiar with the radiant RuPaul, watch this video for "Supermodel (Of the World)":

RuPaul's Drag Race is my favorite. It's genius - the premise of the show is that a group of drag queens compete against one another to be America's Next Drag Superstar. What could be better than that? From RuPaul and her girls, we've all learned the true meaning of the word "reading" and how many levels of shade actually exist in the universe. I've also learned a ton about makeup application (which I will never use but it's interesting) and how to perfectly execute an eye roll.

RuPaul is actually one the reasons that Drag Race is so popular and easy to watch: she's genuinely a good person, cares about the competitors, and while the critique may be harsh, it's meant to make the queen in question a better performer. I'm not 100% certain but I think when RuPaul laughs a drag queen in training gets her first wig. Joining RuPaul at the judges' table are Michelle Visage, a singer and radio personality, and Santino Rice, a Project Runway alum (season two - one of my favorite seasons). The trio is joined each week by some fantastic celebrities like Bob Mackie, Jackie Collins, Linda Blair, Khloe Kardashian, Neil Patrick Harris, and Sheryl Lee Ralph (to name a few). The final say is always RuPaul's but the judges' comments are always a treat.

The challenges are always odd and inventive and the runway portion of the show never disappoints. To say that every drag queen is unique is an understatement. This season's cast featured some gems - Milk, Vivacious, BenDeLaCreme, even Laganja (although I could not have taken another episode with her - she should change her name to Laganja Drama). My personal favorite is Bianca Del Rio. Her wit, style, and "realness" is refreshing. Bianca is not on the show to make friends - it's a contest. She's there to win. Thankfully, we have seen a softer side of Bianca emerge over the end of the season (acting as almost a drag mother to Adore and Trinity) and you know Ru likes her winners to be glamorous, talented, able to read a person, but also nice and caring. If Bianca doesn't win, I predict there will be a sequin riot at RuPaul's front door. Incidentally, Sequin Riot would also be the perfect name for a punk band fronted by Adore Delano. Adore, if you're reading this you should seriously consider the band as a career pathway. I will be your tour manager and help you sew costumes.

The crowning of America's Next Drag Superstar is this Monday. In honor of my favorite, Bianca Del Rio, I have created a cupcake that I'm tentatively calling "Rolodex of Hate Marble Cupcakes" - the swirl evokes both the spin of a Rolodex and the black and white wig she wore in episode six.

Maybe the real lesson of reality television is that you need to get out there and do you. Be creative, say ridiculous things, hone your Tim Gunn impression, make the world a more sparkly place - get out there and do it.

#teambianca

Bianca Del Rio image
Cupcakes by me

Never a party girl

I would like a nice, powerful, mind-altering substance. Preferably one that will make my unborn children grow gills. 

Mary (Parker Posey), Party Girl

He-he-hello!

The movie Party Girl was one of my favorite movies when I was in high school. At that time, my goals in life included living in New York, being a struggling theater artist, and generally being awesome. I wanted to be like Mary in this movie (minus the drugs since I don't do drugs). I envied her shoes, ability to wear tights and not look like she was trying to hard, and the fact that she felt no shame in "closet shopping" at a party ("Hello Chanel"). Also, she ends up wanting to be a librarian. Perfect.

Everyone loves a party girl. I thought that this particular type of personality would make my life better and you know, funner. Everyone wants to be funner. But being a party girl is hard. You have to go out all the time, be "on" all the time, have a high tolerance for nonsense and shenanigans, and drink excessive amounts of alcohol. No shame might also be a good trait.

You know what else party girls have to do? Dress like party girls. I don't and never have had the wardrobe. Like Cher in Clueless, I'd rather veg out in comfy clothes because party clothes are way too binding. And the shoes! As much as I love my heels, I don't know how anyone can wear them all the time. How is it possible that any woman makes it through the night without hobbling foot pain or having someone carry her (which I did witness when I got back to Clarendon and was walking to my car)?

Towards the beginning of the evening...

I am not a party girl. I am the most the most responsible person in the room. And when you're the most responsible person in the room, people get a little surprised in those instances when you do go out and enjoy yourself. It's like when you were a kid and you saw your teacher at the grocery or the mall; it was odd and surreal. You couldn't believe they were a real person and did real person things. Well, the same thing is true with the responsible people - when you stay out late and bar hop or whatever it is that you're going to do, people are amazed.

I've spent the past two Fridays out with friends from work. Some of the group were part of my ill-fated trivia team. My team captain skills have left something to be desired and trivia has fallen by the wayside (sorry friends). Anyway, I guess I normally only hang out with the majority of these friends in the structured confines of the after work happy hour. We work in Clarendon so you can literally throw a rock outside our office building and hit a passable/enjoyable happy hour location. Normally, our evenings end early (it is a school night usually) and no one leaves Virginia until they're ready to go home (for those who live in Maryland and DC).

Required stop at a CVS to act silly

But Fridays tend to be a different story especially when it's the last two Fridays before holiday break. Why wouldn't you go out until 2 am? Or move the celebration from Clarendon to DC? What time does the last Metro run back to Virginia? In my quest to be more of a party girl, I can't say no to any of these ideas. Yes, I want to go into DC for one more round even though it's already 11 pm. Sure, let's walk even further away from the Metro for more fun. And a much better jukebox - why didn't we just start here in the first place?

Inevitably at some point in the evening my responsible self kicks in. I decline another drink, switch to water, and start to plot exit strategies. I check my Metro app to see when the next train is and start herding people towards it. The mother hen in me takes over and I start taking care of people. Erin Counselor (what some of my friends call me) comes out and I have to start making sure we're all making smart life choices. Because that's what Erin Counselor does - she makes sure that people make smart life choices.

And this is why I will never be a real deal party girl. I have come to terms with this and I guess I've accepted it. I'd rather sit in a dive bar and listen to good music all night, joking and talking with my friends than to wear heels and an inappropriately short (for the weather and for life) skirt and have to be on the whole time. The world is made up of all types of people. The Erin Counselors and the party girls coexist to keep the natural social order in place.

Video from youtube.com