Lazy Movie Weekend: Fake Eyelashes, Blandly Handsome Leading Men, and Christmas

 "We are a place you can go and feel good."

-Bob Abbott, Crown Media chief executive

"It's like Hallmark or Prozac?"

-Julie Miner as quoted in this WaPo article

A few weeks ago, I read an article on Thought Catalog about the "true" meaning of the term self-care. If you look on Instagram or Facebook or whatever other social media site you follow, there's always someone posting something about "self-care." A lot of the posts include wine or chocolate or bubble baths. The article, which resonated with me, focused on the idea that self-care should really be more about making choices in your life that allow you to live a life you don't need to escape from. It goes on to discuss things like budgeting, working out, and job changes as examples of self-care that we should be doing. Basically, the entire article was one big plug for making smart life choices.

Making smart life choices is my favorite thing.

Now, I'm not saying that I always make smart life choices (hello, perm phase), but I try to live my life in a way that is intentional and drama free. Not risk free, mind you, but drama free. I'm also not advocating for getting rid of things like bubble baths and chocolate cake and wine because that would be bananas. But the core message of the article is important; taking care of yourself is important and it's not always Instagram beautiful. Sometimes it's messy and gross and sad. And that is 100% fine. Embrace it. Live it. Make smart life choices.

Arguably one of the smartest life choices I have ever made was my decision to begin watching Hallmark holiday movies way back in 2011. One of my earliest Island posts was from my first Thanksgiving in California where I spent a good portion of the weekend watching Hallmark and Lifetime movies. Hallmark holiday movies have been referenced many times over the years, including that time I wrote a movie for Hallmark called "The 12 Dates of Christmas." They've yet to contact me about making this happen. (Note: there is a Hallmark movie with this title BUT it's about a woman who experiences a Groundhog Day loop until she figures out life and stuff. My idea is better.) I can't help myself when it comes to these movies. Yes, they are formulaic and yes, they reinforce terrible gender stereotypes, but they're so filled with kindness and love and holiday magic that I have to watch them. I'm only human. As Monica Hesse put it in her recent article on the movies for The Washington Post:

"Watching Hallmark in December this year feels like a metaphor for all of the good citizenship questions we’ve been asking ourselves: Must we watch yet more CNN guests debate the tax bill? Must we have yet another fight on Facebook about Roy Moore? Must we always remain alert, in case the country just curls up and dies?" 

Monica is right; Hallmark movies are our reward for the dumpster fire that is 2017. For just under two hours, I can watch an impossibly perky woman with perfect hair and an amazing wardrobe (for someone who is either out of work or underpaid) deal with whatever career disaster/family drama/evil developer plot line she needs to deal with, while a blandly handsome leading man (I believe Hesse referred to them as an "Old Spice commercial") hangs out and wins her heart by being blandly handsome and non-threatening. Unless he's the evil developer or the evil developer's henchman; then he has to have a magical change of heart because of Christmas and love and cookies and kindness. For just under two hours, I can put my feminist killjoy heart to rest and simply bask in the Christmas lights and the sweetness that feels like what would happen if I only drank hot chocolate and ate candy all day. It's divine.

Do I like all of the movies? Absolutely not. There are some that I've tried watching and had to turn off about 10 minutes in because they were too much for me. Like all Hallmark holiday movie fans, I have very strong opinions about my Hallmark movies. For our final Lazy Movie Weekend of the year, let's dive into my best and worst lists for Hallmark and Lifetime movies. Grab some hot chocolate, your preferred Christmas cookies, and all the Christmas spirit you can muster along with your firm suspension of disbelief.

The Best - Movies

• The Nine Lives of Christmas - This is my favorite Hallmark movie ever. It stars Kimberly Sustad, the perpetual Hallmark movie best friend, as a vet student who falls in love with a firefighter played by the poor man's Superman, Brandon Routh. They bond over their love of cats, restoring old homes, and taco trucks.
• Christmas at Holly Lodge - Allison Sweeney is my favorite Hallmark holiday leading lady. She's also in my father's favorite Hallmark Mystery series about a small town baker. This movie was a delight, mostly because of Allison and Sheryl Lee Ralph. The bland leading man was on my favorite Law & Order universe spin-off, Conviction. He wears a V-neck sweater like the JC Penney catalogue model he is in his heart.
  
• The Most Wonderful Time of the Year - Henry Winkler is the meddling uncle! Brooke Burns is super tall and delightful. Warren Christie is not terrible as the love interest. The kid is a bit annoying, but I'll give him a pass because he meddles like a champ.
• Every Christmas Has a Story - Colin Ferguson! I love Colin Ferguson. He should be in every Hallmark holiday movie because he's not a bland leading man, although he comes very close to the line. Lori Loughlin is our leading lady and she's an absolute delight as a big city reporter who finds her Christmas spirit when she visits a small town after admitting on air that she hates Christmas. I feel you, Lori. Christmas is a lot to handle. Thank goodness you have Colin Ferguson there to help out.
• 12 Men of Christmas - This is actually a Lifetime movie. Because of this, it's a little spicier than the typical Hallmark fare. It's got Kristin Chenowith, Anna Chlumsky, and a bunch of super hot search and rescue guys who put together a calendar to raise money for their town. I only wish there was a musical number. 
• Christmas Connection - Y'all, Tom Everett Scott is in a Hallmark movie! Where has he been this whole time? He is the least bland leading man in a Hallmark movie ever. I love him and I love how charming this movie is. I imagine that this is what would have happened if Hallmark created the movie View from the Top, the only Gywneth Paltrow movie I like. 

The Worst - Movies

• Any movie starring Candace Cameron-Bure - I get it; people love CCB. Apparently, she's the "Queen of Christmas" or some such nonsense. I can't with this woman. She has said some pretty hateful things over the years, particularly regarding the LGBTQ community. Last year, she and our true Queen, Bianca Del Rio, got into a little conversation that was everything I love about Bianca and pop culture rolled into one Instagram post.
  
• Dear Santa - Another Lifetime movie so we do get a gay buddy for our leading lady, although he is so stereotypical it's painful. Amy Acker, from Angel, is the leading lady here and although she's charming and the kid is charming, it's a terrible movie. I want to love it, but I can't. At least the dad is sort of hot in a rugged, made for tv movie sort of way.
  
• December Bride - Regular readers may remember poor Jessica Lowndes from my Halloween post earlier this year. She just can't win in any genre. In this "gem," she plays a woman who pretends to be engaged to Daniel Lissing so she can go to her cousin's wedding and score a new job. Did I mention that her cousin stole her fiance and that's the wedding she's going to? There are so many terrible things in this movie. Listing them would take too much time. Just skip it. Watch The Nine Lives of Christmas twice. 
  
• Broadcasting Christmas - Normally I love Melissa Joan Hart, but not even she can save this one. I blame Dean Cain. He's the worst for lots of reasons, but he's at his worst here. My wish for Hallmark movies in 2018 is that she gets her own, Dean Cain-free movie.
• A Very Merry Mix-Up - There is something about Alicia Witt in this movie and all of the Hallmark holiday movies in which she stars, that annoys me in a profound way. I think it's her earnestness. She's trying so hard in every scene to make us believe whatever nonsense plot or relationship we're supposed to believe. In this one, she meets a man at an airport who she thinks is the brother of her fiance and ends up going home to the family she's supposed to be meeting...but it's the wrong family. Hilarity and feelings ensue. The best part of this movie is the fiance's actual family; they're just on the side of weird that is Hallmark acceptable.

The Best - Plot Points

• A snowball fight will inevitably take place. Everyone will throw perfectly formed snowballs because the prop department is awesome and the bland couple will somehow end up on the ground in an awkward, almost kiss moment.
• There will be a meddling old person. On occasion, the meddling old person is actually Santa Claus. It's best when it's a woman from a 70s or 80s sitcom. Or Henry Winkler.
• An adorable child may also be involved in the meddling. There is a fine line between adorable meddling child and annoying demon seed; these child actors walk that line in every scene.
• The boyfriend the leading lady has at the beginning of the movie will always be a pompous d-bag, although Hallmark would never, ever use that word. This makes it okay for us all to hate him and want her to magically fall in love with the bland leading man. 
• Hot chocolate will solve at least one problem. 
• A meet cute involving a pet, preferably a cat (see The Nine Lives of Christmas) will occur. 

The Worst - Plot Points

•  The leading characters' first kiss will take place with exactly two minutes left in the movie. They may have moments where a kiss almost occurs, but it's always interrupted. Even in movies where the couple is already together, married or dating, the pair seem more like roommates than a couple.
• Someone will lose their artistic way. Sometimes it's the leading lady, sometimes it's the bland leading man. At some point during the movie, they'll leave their corporate life and rediscover their true artist self. I die a little inside every time this happens.
• A lesson is learned. This is basically the core of every one of these movies. The lesson varies from work-life balance, embracing the Christmas spirit, and that home is better than anything in the world. I list this as a worst plot point because just one time it would be cool if no one learned anything and if Christmas was ruined or the town landmark didn't get saved. But then I'd hate that movie so really this is both the best and worst plot point of any of these movies.
• There are a limited number of people of color and any gay character is horribly stereotypical. Most of the time, the person of color is the best friend and she's sassy because STEREOTYPE. 
• You can only find happiness in a small town inhabited by quirky characters, including but not limited to a man who is possibly Santa. My father has, on many occasions, encouraged me to follow the path of many a Hallmark heroine and move to small town, open a bakery or weird, niche market store, and help solve crime, but I'm not sure I'm cut out for that life.
• Candace Cameron-Bure as a doctor. Nope. Nope. Nope.  
• Lacey Chabert in any holiday movie. I love her in Mean Girls, but she's the worst in these movies. I think it's that she comes off as weak in all of the holiday movies. She should stick to the non-holiday ones. I like two non-holiday Hallmark movies and she stars in one of them, All of My Heart. It could also be the goats. Do you think people on the set tell her that "you can't sit with us" or wonder about all the secrets in her hair? I'm curious.  

To all Hallmark holiday movie monsters I've helped to create, my parents included, you're welcome. You deserve every holiday movie you've watched and love. You earned it. Maybe consider spicing up your next viewing with this drinking game I found. Enjoy!

Drinking game image

Next week: It's the last post of 2017! To close the year of the dumpster fire, I thought we'd focus on my favorite f-word, which also happens to be Merriam-Webster's Word of the Year.