Seriously?

A few weeks ago I was talking with one of my guy friends about football. He's not a football fan (more of a baseball/hockey fan) and wanted to know why I continued to support the NFL given the recent events surrounding multiple players and domestic violence. He felt that as an avowed feminist, I should boycott the sport until actual change is made within the organization. I disagree completely. I don't believe that boycotting the NFL will actually have an impact on the organization. The NFL and other organizations (not just professional sports) need to take a look inward at the structures of their organizations and their leadership to change. Fans and supporters need to participate and keep pressure on these organizations to do the right thing and to enforce rules and policies in a consistent and fair way. Forty-five percent of NFL fans are women. We do the sport, fandom, and women a service to to work from within rather than boycott.

I also believe that the issues facing professional sports (it's not just the NFL y'all) don't start the second a player joins a team. It's not just people like Goodell who say one thing but do another, it's a larger culture of complacency, hero worship, and ignorance. It starts in places like Steubenville and ends in places like the NFL or NBA. I do agree with my friend that Roger Goodell needs to go. I don't think the NFL can move forward with him at the helm.

But I don't want to talk about the NFL today. Enough has been said about it and I'd rather spend time talking about Hermione Granger, I mean, Emma Watson's UN speech for the solidarity movement HeForShe. Here's the video so you can watch her elegant and powerful speech.

 

Watson makes some excellent points about the role of men in the feminist movement. Feminism is not about man-hating. It's about equality. Men and women are not equal in this country (or most countries for that matter). This is not my opinion - it's a fact. Have we made strides towards equality? Certainly - more women are in government, leaders in the business world (including many Fortune 500 companies), academics and researchers in all fields, and creative forces in across the arts. But the reality is that we still make less money than our male counterparts in most fields. Our bodies are literal battlegrounds. And by the way, if you're raped, abused, or otherwise violated, somehow it will be your fault.

We teach young girls and women that their only value is in how they look and what boys and men think about them. As my ninth grade English teacher told me, a woman can only be funny, pretty, or smart; she can't be all three. Some of the most anti-women people I know are other women.

I'd like to be able to focus on Watson's message and the messages of other feminists out there. The problem with that is we're not allowed to just do that. Because Emma stands for something they disagree with, Internet trolls decided that it would be cool to threaten her with the release of nude photos. It was announced earlier this week that this was a hoax but the fact of the matter is that it doesn't matter if it's a hoax. The threat was and is there. Women, feminist or not, experience threats of all sorts on the Internet (as do men who support these writers or are feminists themselves). It could be a threat of the release of photos like what's happened with Emma Watson or threats of rape and physical harm. I've read dozens of accounts of authors and bloggers having to leave their homes because some fucking (sorry Mom) jerk posts their address on the Internet and another fucking jerk has threatened to come to their house and murder them. This shouldn't happen to anyone in any situation.

Only Madeline Kahn can truly express how I feel about this:

The pure hatred that is spewed by these cowards with keyboards is incomprehensible to me. I literally (and I mean literally) cannot understand it. I have the same reaction when this happens in conversations about race, sexuality, and religion too. I don't get it and I can't help but wonder what's wrong with people.

Civil discourse seems to be dead these days. Instead of being able to discuss our differences in opinion like rational beings, it seems that the trend is to debase, threaten, terrify, and demean. I can't stand for this and you shouldn't either. Regardless of how you define who you are and what you believe about equality, you should not resort to violence (verbal or physical) to get your point across. That doesn't prove that you're powerful. In fact, it proves that you're scared of losing what power you you have (or believe you have).

We all have to take action if change is going to occur. I thought of a few things we could all try to do that aren't overtly feminist so if you can't get beyond that word, maybe you can get behind being a decent person. Let's try these out for a bit and see what happens:

• Stop gossiping. I'm bad about this but a small thing like not passing on that thing you heard about that woman you don't really like at work or school or wherever stops the cycle of negativity.
• Use language that means something not demeans someone. Tina Fey said it best in Mean Girls, "Well, I don't know who wrote this book, but you all have got to stop calling each other sluts and whores. It just makes it ok for guys to call you sluts and whores." 
• Agree to disagree. I have said this before on this blog. If we don't agree on something and our disagreement leads to a heated discussion that's going nowhere fast, I'd rather just switch topics to something less controversial like the fact that Tom Hiddleston is the absolute best.
• Be nice to people. It takes more energy to be mean and negative. And it's more stressful to you. The Dearborn police can put it on their patrol cars so you should practice it in your daily life. 
• Talk to the girls and boys (and men and women) in your life about appropriate ways to communicate. It is not okay to teach either girls or boys to react with violence (words or actions) when they don't agree or get what they want. That's the type of "education" that leads to the exact issues feminists, domestic violence advocates, and human rights advocates speak about. Domestic violence issues don't start with the NFL; they start in places like Steubenville and on playgrounds where extreme bullying are played out day after day.
• Stop putting the burden of behavior on a specific group of people. I shouldn't have to adjust my behavior or clothing because some guy on the street or at my office can't focus on his life because I wear a shirt that shows off the female body that I have in a way that is appropriate for work. We could also apply this logic to guarding my drink in a bar and walking alone at night.
• Speak up. I am also guilty of not doing this as often as I should. Be brave - say something. It might not make you popular but it means you're doing the right thing.

This isn't complicated. It's common sense and the responsibility of all of us if we really want to live in a civil society.

The flames on the side of my face have subsided for now. I feel a little better now that we've talked this out. I also found this article on my favorite fictional feminist, Leslie Knope, and it brightened my day. There's hope for us yet.

This fall on the Island: It's time to celebrate Gilmore Girls just in time for the rest of you to finally watch the show since it's being released on Netflix. We'll Rock the Suburbs and take Metro to Tyson's Corner to explore all of the things one can do without having to spend forever driving there. And of course, I'll be prepping for National Novel Writing Month so you never know what little nuggets I'll throw on here.

Clue image
Police car picture by me

Return of the Old Lady Concert Rules

There is nothing I like more than going to summer concerts. There's something about listening to music, usually outdoors, on a warm summer evening that makes me feel young and invincible. I remember my first outdoor concert was Huey Lewis & the News one summer in Detroit when I was 12 or 13. I even remember wearing these really ridiculous earrings to that concert. I have no idea why it was important that I wear them but I know it was a big deal. Anyway, I don't remember much else about that concert except that I got to stay up late and hang out with my older brother. Ever since that show, I've made a habit of seeing several shows over the summer months and this summer is no exception.

This year's lineup:

• Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds (July 23 at Constitution Hall)
• KISS & Def Leppard (July 25 at Jiffy Lube Live)
• Heart (July 29 at Wolf Trap)
• Santana & Rod Stewart (August 19 at the Verizon Center)
• Motely Crue & Alice Cooper (August 22 at Jiffy Lube Live)

It's sort of a random group of concerts but in my head it makes absolute sense. I'm hoping that KISS plays this song although I'm sure they won't.

I have two go-to concert buddies: my brother, Scott and my friend, Anita. I've gone to many concerts with them both over the years including the time all three of us went to see They Might Be Giants at Ram's Head in Baltimore. They're both ideal concert buddies in that they'll go to just about any concert if asked even if they're not familiar with the band. Scott had never even heard of The Decemberists prior to seeing them with the Baltimore Symphony Orchestra a few years ago. He liked them enough to go see them with me again the following year. And Anita - she knows exactly four songs by Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds but is going to see them with me on Wednesday anyway. I'm hopeful that she'll enjoy the band as much as I do.

What makes Scott and Anita exceptional concert buddies is their adherence to and support of my Old Lady Concert Rules. In fact, they've both helped to create some of these rules over the years. Just to be clear; just because I have concert rules does not mean that I am a killer of fun. I love fun and love concerts and the Rules help to ensure that we all do, in fact, have fun. Going to see live music is one of my favorite things to do and I enjoy it more when people around me aren't acting like morons or like we're sitting in their living room. Yes, we all enjoy live shows in our own ways but I feel like we need a social contract we can all agree to when we enter the arena or auditorium. That way, we all have fun and no one gets punched in the throat.

So in the interest of fun, let's review the Old Lady Concert Rules.

1. Don't wear the shirt of the band you're going to see. Don't be that guy. (Thank you Jeremy Piven in PCU for this one.)
2. No large bags or backpacks in the pit or other standing room shows. I get that in DC most of us come from work to shows during the week but do you really need that backpack while standing at the 9:30 Club? Doesn't your office allow you to lock up your laptop or something? I'm pretty short so your backpack and my face are probably at the same level so if you do have to bring it at least be aware of the people around you when you're dancing or whatever.
3. I don't like to stand at concerts. This is why I buy seats whenever possible. I don't sit on the lawn and I don't buy tickets in the pit when there are perfectly good seats to be had. If you also spent the money for a seat, SIT IN IT. Unless every other human in the arena is standing, sit down.
4. More pit/standing room etiquette: If you are late, stay to the back of the room. I got here at a reasonable time to get close to the stage and you should have too. This is especially jerky if the show has already started and you're elbowing your way to the front with your stupid backpack. Don't tell me your friend is at the front; she's not. You're lying. Show me your friend and I'll let you pass as long as I have confirmation that you know the person you've sort of gestured at. 
5. Someone has to be the DD for most shows. If you are that friend, congratulations you are a genuinely good person. I hope your friends do you a solid and take their turns at some point. However, being the DD isn't just about driving and making sure they get home safely. You have now been elected the babysitter of the group. I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this but it's true. So when your dudes start spilling beer on people and generally being jerks in public, as the sober one, people are going to look to you to rein them in. It's not fair but know that you have a special place in concertgoer heaven reserved for you. 
6. If you aren't the DD of your group and you've decided to imbibe at the show, please make sure to respect those around you by apologizing if you spill beer on them (especially in their hair - not that this has ever happened to me), know your limits (you don't need that fifth shot of Fireball and a beer chaser), and most importantly watch for stairs. Concerts don't need to end in a trip to the emergency room and a broken nose.
7. Respect the space around you. Even at outdoor shows, it's still not Woodstock and most people aren't interested in your dancing and space invasion. Dance all you want and dance like no one is watching but be respectful of those around you who are also dancing like no one is watching.
8. Don't use words like "merch" and "gig"- you're not with the band. And even if you are it makes you sound pretentious. 
9. Let's keep our cell phone use to a minimum. I like taking pictures of the shows I go to see as much as the next person but I also like watching the show that I'm seeing. So get your pictures done, take a selfie or two, and then put it away. Cell phones and lighters are not the same thing.
10. Don't yell "Freebird." It's not funny, the band doesn't appreciate it, and chances are the vast majority of the audience doesn't get the reference anyway (depending on the show).
11. Control the volume of your voice. This is especially true when you're at indoor shows at smaller venues; your voice carries and we can all hear you during breaks or softer songs. Listen to The Velvet Underground Live at Max's Kansas City for the perfect example of why this is a terrible thing to do at shows. Even if you're famous.
12. And finally, I get that I missed all the great music because it was all made before I was born or when I was small but you know what, these bands and musicians are still playing and we can watch them right now. And it's awesome that we can. Don't ruin that experience just because you think the band has "sold out" or has new members or whatever. Remember what it was like the first time you saw that band and let people have their own version of that experience. 

There you have it - the Old Lady Concert Rules. None of these rules are difficult or impede on your fun.Y'all know I like being a good citizen so these rules are just an extension of my love of civil societies and being nice to one another. That's it - I'm not here to ruin your fun.

I leave you with the immortal words of AC/DC. Get out there and be a good rock and roll citizen!

Old lady concert rules

As I've gotten older I've noticed that I complain about a lot of things I never cared about or complained about before. I haven't decided if it's because I'm settling into the behavior pattern of the old lady that I will become one day or if people are just more annoying now then when I was younger. It's also possible that I have less patience now than I did before but I find that hard to believe given what I do for a living. Maybe it's just that I save my patience and allowances for nonsense for my clients and co-workers rather than strangers.

My old lady behavior is at its worst at concerts. I wasn't always an old lady concertgoer. When I went to my first concerts (New Kids On The Block, Def Leppard, Huey Lewis & the News), I was so wrapped up in the coolness of finally going to a show that I couldn't care less what people around me did or didn't do. It was all about the music and being impossibly grown-up.

I've been to a lot of shows over the years in every type of venue and all sorts of bands and musicians. I've been to Jazz Fest more times than I can count and I went to the first Lilith Fair (1997). I also went to one of the first concerts at what was then Nissan Pavilion (R.E.M., 1995). I even flew to Detroit to see The Stooges reunite for The Weirdness tour in 2007. I'm still sad about the whole "don't play anything from Raw Power rule" that was in place but at least I got to see Ron Asheton play before he died.

My top six concerts of all time are:

1. Patti Smith and Her Band, Ram's Head Live (12.01.12)
2. Pixies, DAR Constitution Hall (12.01.09)
3. The Decemberists and the Baltimore Symphony Orchestra, Merriweather Post Pavilion (07.14.07)
4. Tina Turner, New Orleans Arena (10.25.00)
5. Tori Amos, DAR Constitution Hall (04.26.96)
6. Run DMC, Palm Court at Loyola University New Orleans (10.24.99) - Loup Garou y'all (old school style)

The Patti Smith show on Saturday was amazing. I've never really understood why people follow charismatic leaders and do really stupid things because of said leader but after this show, I totally get it. If Patti Smith ruled the world it would be a better place and I would do whatever she said to do. She's empowered and hilarious and dances like no one's watching and sings the saddest songs with the same spirit as rock anthems. When she sang "Because the Night" I could feel the longing for Fred "Sonic" Smith, her late husband and a founding member of MC5. She dedicated it to him and her reworking of the song was about him (Springsteen originally recorded it but wasn't pleased with the song; Patti took it back and made it a classic rock love song). It was one of the more moving concert moments I've ever experienced. Did I also mention that Lenny Kaye played some songs from The Nuggets and it was badass?

While I was enjoying the awesomeness of Patti, I also had my old lady concert moments. What's interesting about a show like this one is that you're going to have a huge range of ages in the audience. Lots of old punks and rock guys who saw Patti in New York in the 70s, college kids (so many college kids), people my age, and everything in between. A lot of shows at Ram's Head are 21 and up but I'm not sure that this one was. I got there early (as is my habit for most everything) so I had a pretty good spot on the floor (Ram's Head is standing room either in the pit/floor area or upstairs). I never go upstairs. In the space of the 2 hour set (thank you whatever spiritual force was at work for no opening act), there were a whole lot of my old lady concert rules broken. So let's discuss the rules.

1. When you go to a standing room only show and you get there late DO NOT push your way to front. Your friends are not up there waiting for you (we know you're lying) and the rest of us got here early to get our spots. Suffer in the back where you belong (and I don't care how short you are).
2. Don't wear the shirt of the band you're going to see. Don't be that guy (or girl).
3. No backpacks in the pit. When you start dancing (and you know you're going to start dancing girl who cut to the front), your backpack will hit everyone around you. And impede our dancing/headbanging/etc. You deserve the elbows that you get.
4. When you buy a ticket to a seated concert, stay in your seat. I didn't pay the large sum of money I paid for my seat to look at your back for 2 hours. Unless everyone is standing, sit the eff down.
5. I get it - I was born in 1979 and missed all the great shows in the history of great shows. I will never get to say "Remember when Patti sang "Because the Night" for the first time at CBGB's?" or "Did you see that show where the Ramone (insert whichever one) fell off the stage?" You are Captain Cool and I bow to your coolness. However, if we're at the same Patti Smith show and you're going on and on and on about how much better she was two days ago when you saw her in New York or wherever, I reserve the right to tell you to shut up. No one cares because we're trying to enjoy our own Patti Smith experience. 
6. Variation on the rule above: If you want to discuss how you used to go see the band before they were famous and now they're "sellouts" because they booked the Verizon Center or wherever, please be quiet. You bought a ticket to this show and being successful doesn't equal selling out.
7. Strike the word "merch" from your vocabulary. Do you work in the music industry? Are you in a band? Do you want to sound insufferable all the time?
8. If you're going to drink at the show:
1. Don't dance like you're an extra in a movie about Woodstock. You're not in a field and there are other people around you.
2. Apologize if you spill your drink on someone.
3. Don't drive. Have a DD, take a cab or public transportation, stay somewhere nearby. 
4. If you are with this drunk fool, take responsibility for them and don't laugh like it's the funniest thing ever. Also, if your friend is about to get into a fight or hitting on someone who is not interested, get them out of there. For real.
9. Don't yell "Freebird." It's not funny, the band doesn't appreciate it, and chances are the vast majority of the audience doesn't get the reference anyway (depending on the show).
10. Tailgating should be reserved for sporting events (see #8 as well).
11. Cell phones are not the same thing as lighters. 
12. Don't carry on loud conversations during quiet songs (lady on the 2nd floor at Ram's Head, I'm talking to you). If The Velvet Underground's Live at Max's Kansas City teaches us anything, it's that no one cares if you want to go to the movies later or how awful so and so is. Even if you are Jim Carroll. 

I know, I'm turning into such a grumpy old lady. I don't even know what's wrong with me. With the exception of numbers 4, 6, 9, and 10 all of these rules were violated at the show on Saturday. I know the world does not exist solely for me. People can do what they want and live the lives they're going to live but I think we'd all enjoy concerts much more if we all followed the rules. I just want everyone to be a good rock and roll citizen. Is that too much to ask?

I'll leave you with this (I get a little teary):

I'm just behind and to the left of the older gentleman with the ponytail and the green jacket but out of the frame.

Video from youtube.com
Photos by me

O Captain! My Captain!

I have never been the captain of anything. Sports teams, cheerleading squads, debate teams, boats-not things in my life. I'm not sure what else one can be captain of but I'm sure I've never been involved. So I'm both humbled by and a little crazy about being the captain of my trivia team.

Back in June (before I moved from CA), I went to trivia night at the Clarendon Grill with some of my friends from work. I've decided to stop using the phrase "work friends." I think work friends implies that I would only hang out with them if work was involved. Work is just how we met; I'd hang out with these guys regardless of work functions. Do we talk about work? Yes. Do we only talk about work? No, so we're friends who happen to work together.

Moving on.

We weren't the best team but we certainly weren't the worst either. There was a nice balance of trivia skills amongst the group (although we could have used a sports person). I was surprised by my knowledge of assassins and the people they assassinated. (This was a category-I killed it. Pun intended.) Allison likes to say that she knows stuff only old people know (she is not old by the way). We have a good representation of generations and random movie/music knowledge. And of course we said that we should do this again. And of course we did not.

Until this past Wednesday.

One of the original team members and I went to hear Junot Diaz talk about his new book, This is How You Lose Her. During dinner, trivia came up and we decided that we would get the team back together with some new additions. I sent the email around the next day and boom: The Idea Exchange was born. Yes, that's our less than stellar team name but it's actually related to something at work so it makes sense to us.

Of course (which I have used a lot today), my fellow trivia team members decided I would be team captain. I'm sure this has less to do with my leadership skills and more to do with the fact that none of them wanted the responsibility. Here are the responsibilities of a trivia team captain (as defined by me):

1. Fill out the very tedious team information form which includes spaces for team name (which we had to come up with on the spot), team alias (used only for the night-really?), and team member information. I have really clear handwriting (former teacher and all) so I did well here.
2. Write down all of the answers. Honestly, anyone can do this but it's probably best to let it be a consistent person. Again, handwriting is important.
3. Take the answers to the trivia hosts.
4. Pick a prize in each of the three rounds because we came in 3rd (first round) and 4th (second and third rounds) so we got prizes. 
5. Rally the team. This was the longest trivia night ever. There were a lot of teams and the hosts were not very well organized (I really want to help them with that) so it took 3 hours. Can you imagine that? After working a long work day let's play trivia for 3 hours-I'm fairly certain everyone hated me a little bit even though it wasn't my fault (which they pointed out but still). By the end, there were only 3 of us (from the original 8) so let's just say things fell apart. We finished in 13th place. This is an area I need to work on before the next trivia night. I also hope the normal co-host comes back and they get their act together.
6. Make sure we have a regular team even if it's not the same people. This is going to be my new thing (apparently). I've already recruited two non-friends from work and at least one more friend from work who wants to play. A good trivia team captain is always on the lookout for solid trivia skills.
7. Foster a sense of camaraderie amongst the team. I sent out an email the next day with our final score and encouraged everyone to come by to claim one of the prizes (Sweet Tarts candy canes). I imagine this will be my new regular Monday thing to do.

Here's what else I've learned in this one experience of being team captain: I'm ridiculously competitive about really stupid things. I honestly hate the fact that we finished 13th! It's driving me a little crazy. I want us to finish in the top 5 or at least top 10 next time. I want to find a sports person because we will probably need one (although one of the guys did well on this so maybe we're okay). I also think we need to fill out our science and history areas. We have some people with skills in both but need a more rounded trivia knowledge set. Yes, I just used the phrase "trivia knowledge set" in a serious way. The only other time I've gotten this competitive over something was when I bowled with strangers last year. I had fun then too but I was oddly competitive against a group of women I had never met before. It seemed weird to me then and it seems weird to me now.

Maybe this is an after effect of never playing team sports. I've never been really competitive in my work life (back in my admissions days I was a little competitive about application numbers but that was the nature of my office). I wasn't competitive in my theatre days - just bossy. Bossiness and competitiveness are two different things (although being bossy doesn't hurt when you're team captain). Maybe it's the perfectionist in me. Everyone wants to win right?

I will say this: even if we come in 13th place again, it will still be a lot of fun and I will get to hang out with great people. One of the things I've loved about moving back to VA is this feeling of belonging. Yes, I had people to hang out with in CA but I never felt like I was supposed to be there. When I hang out with my friends (from work or otherwise) and we're going to trivia or a book talk or dinner or to get a manicure and have frozen yogurt, it feels like home.

I haven't had that feeling about a place in a very long time.

Yes, we also won Christmas Garland. Please make jokes about my last name and holiday decorations. I've never heard them before.