Old Lady Concert Rules: Be really beautiful and really mean...like Diana Ross*

Old Lady Concert Rule #568: Be prepared to stay up very late because concerts never run on time.

I watch a lot of movies about rock bands. One of the constants in movies like Almost Famous, Bohemian Rhapsody, and Rocketman, is that rock stars never show up on time. Shows never start on time and fans have to wait for hours to see their heroes. Being a rock fan sucks sometimes. In my 30-ish years of going to shows, I've never been to a show where the band/musician didn't show up, but I've been to plenty of shows where it felt like an eternity before the show got started. I'm sure some of this is my fault; my family is genetically designed to be at every event early (not on time, early), so I probably get places sooner than I need to. However, modern concerts involve driving to venues, parking millions of miles away, and battling rush hour traffic. Early it is.

Efficiency is not a word I'd usually use to describe a concert. Don't think that I'm disparaging the road crew. These are my people, and I know it's their jobs to organize and orchestrate moving a band and its stage identity from venue to venue over the course of a tour. I was the only person who liked the show Roadies so I get your life. Road crews are amazing. I hope you spend some time thanking the rock show gods for all they do to make your experience enjoyable; this is another way to be a good rock and roll citizen. 

But road crews aren't responsible for the the behavior of the "talent," so it's not their fault when shows don't start on time. I've been backstage at a few shows that were running late and it can be the smallest thing, like trying to find a red t-shirt, that keeps a show from starting on time. I guess this type of thing prolongs the fan anticipation of the first moment when a band steps onstage, but I can't help but think it's also rude when a show starts late. Now venues send out emails a few days before a show with the schedule (opening acts, headliner) including time, but it means nothing. It's an email from a promoter.

When I buy a concert ticket, I've entered into a contract of sorts with the performer. I paid an exorbitant (more than likely) sum of money to come see you, so we agree that:

• I will politely listen to your new songs even if they're not as good as your older work,
• I won't throw anything at the stage,
• I won't shout out "Free Bird!" at any time during the set,
• You show up and start on time,
• You play your hits and not act like a jackass doing so (I'm looking at you, Bob Dylan),
• You get the name of the city right.

I think my requests are pretty fair. None of these things mess with the mystique of the rock star, and I can reasonably assume I'll be home before I have to get up to go to work the next day. Easy.

To say I was pleasantly surprised by my most recent concert experience would be the understatement of the world. I've listened to Diana Ross's music my whole life. My mom is a big fan; she saw the Supremes when she was 16 years old at the Michigan State Fair. My parents grew up 10 minutes away from the original Motown Studios, Hitsville, USA. I know all the words to most of her hits, both with the Supremes and as a solo artist. I follow Diana Ross on Twitter, and it's a treat. I don't know if age has mellowed her, or if the rumors of her legendary meanness were exaggerated, but Diana Ross the performer is a really lovely human being. And also incredibly efficient. 

Not only did the concert start exactly on time (8 pm), but it continued to be a model of efficiency throughout the entire two hour experience. The opening act, Diana's daughter Rhonda and her band, played for exactly 20 minutes. Their drum kit and keyboards were on rollers, so the set strike took about 5 minutes. Diana's band started her opening music, which was surprisingly aggressive, at exactly 8:30. She blazed onto the stage in a canary yellow costume singing "I'm Coming Out" and moved through 18 more songs in the next hour and a half. She changed costumes five times, and had the costume change exit and entrance down to 2 minutes. It was impressive. I know how hard it is to be a dresser, so I'm impressed with the efficiency of any costume change. Diana was rocking dresses from her "archive," so all of her looks were vintage dresses and puffy coats. I enjoyed all of Diana's looks except the purple one; she looked like a grape.

The show was done before 10 pm. This included the opener, Diana's entire set, and an awkward Q&A segment before she sang her closing number "Reach Out and Touch (Somebody's Hand)." I can't remember the last time I was walking out of a concert venue before 11 pm. The old lady in me was excited that despite having to sit in the parking lot for 30 minutes, I was still going to get home before midnight on a school night. It was amazing. Everyone can learn a concert efficiency lesson from Diana Ross and her crew. 

(Inspired by this exchange from the movie Juno: 
Juno: My dad had this weird obsession with Roman or Greek mythology or something and he decided to name me after Zeus' wife.
Mark: Zeus' wife?
Juno: Yeah and I mean Zeus had tons of lays but I'm pretty sure Juno was his only wife. An apparently she was supposed to be super beautiful by really mean...kind of like Diana Ross.)