Your Resident Single Friend: Grease is a terrible musical

In a few weeks, I'll enter the last year of my thirties. I've loved this particular decade of my life the most. I didn't love high school or my twenties, but my thirties have been pretty awesome. I've done a lot of cool things, spent time with the people in my life who are most important, and gotten comfortable with being my weird, quirky self. I've also embraced the fine art of not caring what other people think. It's a refreshing way to live one's life. I mean, I care about people's opinions of things that matter, like politics or whether they eat Twizzlers or Red Vines at the movies (Twizzlers is the correct answer), but I'm less inclined to care about what others think of me. This works fine in most situations, but isn't always helpful in one particular area: dating.

I haven't quite figured out is this dating thing. Regular Island readers may recall those times I signed up for online dating and that one time I went to a speed dating event, neither of which were particularly successful in the "going out on dates" side of things. However, they were very successful in providing me with amusing anecdotes to share here on the Island and strengthening my belief that more people have secret families than not. I've recently gone the online dating route again, this time on a site I like to describe as "online dating for do-gooders" and an app only site that sends me clever emails everyday with my matches, but doesn't seem to help any of these dudes with writing their profiles. During this time, I've gone on one horrible coffee date, chatted online with a very nice dude who was clearly lonely and then vanished, and filtered through lots of guys who seem like nice guys, just not my nice guy. I'm starting to think I'm missing the dating gene OR I missed the day in school where instead of being separated to watch videos about periods and how our bodies are changing, my classmates went to a class and learned how to date. I did miss the class where they taught us how to dress like a woman, so anything is possible.

A couple of trends have emerged during this go-around online:

• I seem to attract, at least online, much younger guys (like 22) or much older guys (like mid-50s into their 60s). I'm sure there are merits to either group, but I'm really not interested in exploring either.
• Dudes seem to believe saying "you're beautiful" is a good opening line. Am I supposed to reply with a comment about his handsomeness? What if he's not handsome? "Thank you" seems like the best route, but then I'm stuck for where to go next. Maybe start with something a little less grand and build up to that one.
• The fine art of understanding proper grammar has died. It's "you're" not "your" (see above comment) and there is not character limit so please leave text speak to actual texting. I'm such an old lady.
• Why include photos of you with other women? Maybe she's your sister or best friend, but with no context, I see one of two things: secret family or you just got divorced and you're not over her yet.
• Married guys - what are you doing on these sites? You have your own sites so go over there and stay there. 
• Kids! Are the children in the photos yours? Be up front about whether or not you're a parent. It's cool if you are, but I have to make a choice if I want to be involved in that life or not so I'd like to know.
• The amount of specificity in descriptions of physical traits is unnerving and a bit much.

I don't look my age, which is something I thank my parents and my skincare regime for every day. (And by skincare regime, I mean I wash my face, moisturize, and wear sunscreen. Occasionally, I use an exfoliating mask. That's it.) Some of the profiles talk about what a person is looking for in a match and often, they describe a woman's physical appearance and that appearance relative to age. I've seen comments about wearing lots of makeup (seen as both a positive and negative), hair length and color (no gray! long hair only!), "takes care of herself", which is open for lots of interpretation, and my favorite, being "fashion forward." Yes, some dude wrote that he wanted a woman who is fashion forward. This would be fine if he was wearing something other than gym clothes in every one of his profile pictures. I've also seen a few profiles that included comments about women not looking their age (a plus) and interest in women who alter their looks (this one mentioned plastic surgery specifically; he was cool with it).

I've brought this up with a few of my friends recently, and it's been fascinating to hear their responses to the idea of aging and how they discuss physical appearance in their profiles. Literally, everything from dressing differently on a first data to Botox in your 30s has come up. My head is still hurting from some of these discussions. Like me, most of my friends don't describe physical appearance when we fill out the exact same questions these guys are filling out. Each of us seems to have a type, but we don't spell it out in the profile questions. My friends also noticed that we're not allowed to age and it would be cool if we changed ourselves physically. Some of them are okay with this; others are not. The message is pretty clear: once we start to "show" our age, we have to stop dating, get a bunch of cats, and wear caftans OR change our physical self somehow. I'm down for the cats and maybe the caftans, but I refuse to believe anything else.

This is why I hate the musical/movie Grease. If you recall the plot, girl next door Sandy meets greaser Danny while on summer vacation. None of their friends are around when this happens, so Sandy doesn't know Danny is the leader of a gang called the T-Birds. She also doesn't know he gets around and is sort of a jerk. Sandy shows up at Rydell High in the fall and it changes everything. During the course of the musical, Sandy tries to fit her girl next door personality/look into Danny's T-Birds/Pink Ladies world and it doesn't work. It works for a little while, but then the dance happens and Sandy is literally pushed out of Danny's life. Danny, meanwhile, doesn't do much to try to fit into Sandy's life except going out for the track team. It isn't until Sandy becomes a Pink Lady (sort of), with skintight pants and big hair, that all is righted in the world of Grease. Sandy had to change physically, while Danny had to change personally (sort of). I would argue his change isn't really that big either; he doesn't leave his friends behind or get rid of his cool car; he letters in track. I was always disappointed in this ending, even when I was younger. The whole thing is so unbalanced.

I'm not interested in altering my looks for anyone but me. Look, I color my hair, mostly because I like experimenting with different degrees of red over my normally strawberry blonde red, and a little bit because I have some grays that I'm not quite ready to deal with. I will be, at some point, and then I will stop coloring my hair. But you'll notice this statement is all about me. Cosmetic surgery (on any level) is not for me either. I'm not judging anyone who does it as long as you do it for you. I don't wear a lot of makeup so I'm not going to start now. I love fashion, but always dress like me. Maybe Sandy did want to look that way at the end of Grease, but I think that's bullshit. Does anyone really want to wear pants like that? How did she sit down in those pants without them splitting? I refuse to believe that outfit was comfortable and made her feel like she was herself.

It took me a long time to be comfortable and confident in who I am. I know this is true for many of my friends too. Society as a whole is getting better at realizing there isn't one life timeline that works for everyone, but that doesn't stop the questions and the judgement about being single or dressing a certain way or having really short hair. I can embrace not caring about what others think, but that doesn't mean it doesn't sometimes place a little doubt in my head, making me think about all of this and wonder if I'm wrong in my choices or beliefs. In these moments, I turn on Grease 2, which is the better movie, and all is right in the world.


Coming soon to the Island: a Lazy Movie Weekend post about pie, some baking/cooking stuff, and I volunteer for the MLB All-Star game. It's going to be a super fun summer!

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Your Resident Single Friend: Hallmark Holiday Movie Edition

Regular Island readers may recall that I have a mild obsession with Hallmark holiday movies. It's not unusual during the weeks between Thanksgiving and New Year's for me to watch lots of these movies even if I've seen them before; I even have favorites. Yes, they're formulaic and silly and totally devoid of reality and occasionally so traditional/stereotypical it makes my feminist heart hurt but there's something incredibly comforting about them as well. As I shared back in October, I've recently joined an online dating site and to say that it's been a disappointment would be an understatement. My paid subscription ends on, get this, December 24th. It's as if I've been dropped into the perfect scenario for a new Hallmark holiday movie. Today's post is in the form of a "script" for a new Hallmark movie (or what a short story version would look like if such things existed). Yes, it's cheesy and silly but so are all of their movies so it's perfect. You'll need to use your imagination to fill in some of the details and the montages I've indicated. I haven't figured out how to add a meddling older woman and/or an adorable child (staples of all Hallmark holiday movies) but there's always a way and a second draft.

For your enjoyment: The 12 Online Dates of Christmas

A medley of "rock and roll" versions of Christmas songs play over the opening sequence featuring people out and about in a nondescript city getting ready for Christmas (it could be New York or Chicago or Toronto or Cedar Rapids). Families are shopping, couples are pausing to window shop and drink hot chocolate, little kids look in awe at the decorations and at the idea that Santa will be here soon. Our focus shifts to a woman in her thirties (although she doesn't look it) in a seasonally appropriate green coat, juggling several bags, a cup of coffee, and her purse. She's attempting to find her keys and her phone keeps chirping at her, the sign of incoming emails. She sighs, puts down her bags on a nearby stoop and fishes her phone and keys from her purse. She removes her glove and enters her password to access her phone.

"I need to get those smartphone gloves this year," she thinks to herself as her hand immediately freezes. She's only a few blocks from her apartment but stopped to check her email in case it's from work. If she needed to do something to prep for tomorrow's editorial meeting, she wanted to know before she got home so she could plan out her evening.

There are two emails: one from her mother and one from It'sOnlyADate.com, the online dating site she joined back in October. She scanned the one from her mother quickly; details about the cruise her parents are going on for Christmas and then opened the one from the online dating site. She braced herself for yet another "you're not trying hard enough" email that the site thought were helpful. The email never specifically said "you're not trying hard enough" but it was always implied.

The email began friendly enough:

Happy Holidays Charlotte Adams! We here at It's Only a Date hope that you are enjoying the holiday season and gearing up for one of the busiest times of the dating year. 

"This isn't terrible," Charlotte said to herself. Not important enough to have stopped her walk home but now that she was stopped, she decided to continue on.

As we enter peak dating season, this is a friendly reminder that your subscription will end at midnight on December 24th. To take advantage of all the benefits of  your membership, make sure to visit your payments page and select the option for "autorenewal" so we can ensure no disruption of service. We wouldn't want you to miss out on of the person of your dreams! 

Need help with your profile or communications? Add our personalized profile services to your subscription. For an additional $10 a week one of our dating experts will help you maximize your profile and communications with matches. We'll help you be the best possible online dating you! Contact us today!

Happy Holidays,
The It's Only a Date Team

Charlotte sighed and put her phone back in her purse. Seriously, who writes these emails? She found it both amusing and sad that her subscription was set to expire on Christmas Eve. It was sort of maudlin really and very Hallmark holiday movie. She picked up her bags and resumed her walk home. She would call an emergency meeting with her friends this evening. They were the ones who encouraged her to join the site in the first place, threatening to create a profile for her if she didn't do it herself. She needed their dating expertise; she wasn't going to spend any more money on services from this site.

Cut to: Charlotte and her three friends, Marilyn, Beth, and Rebecca, sitting around the table at a cafe. The women each have a coffee in front of them and are sharing an enormous piece of chocolate chocolate cake. The conversation about the dating site is already in progress.

"Obviously you should just renew your subscription and give it more time. Dating takes time, like looking for a new job. You shift through all the entry level options so you can find the right one." Rebecca took a forkful of cake.

"You're comparing dating to a job search? That just makes this even worse." Charlotte sipped her coffee, an excellent vanilla latte, and gave Rebecca a mildly withering look.

"It's just because both activities take time. You can't expect to find "the one" if you don't really try. And admit it, you haven't really been trying. You just rate people and hope for the best." Rebecca put her fork down and gave her friend an equally withering look.

"Fine. I have not truly done everything I could be doing on the site. Maybe I'm too old fashioned for online dating. I still like the idea of the guy asking the girl out and all. I'm not an instigator." Charlotte replied.

Beth chimed in, "I think you should let your subscription go and move on. I know so many great guys and can set you up." The women laughed; Beth was terrible at matchmaking.

"I'll pass given your less than stellar history with setting people up but thank you for the offer." Charlotte looked at Marilyn for an opinion. "You're being suspiciously quiet this evening."

"I was just thinking of what you should actually do. I think you should use the last couple of weeks of your subscription to the fullest. Ask guys out, reply to their messages or chats or whatever the hell goes on. Go out on at least twelve dates and then let it expire. After that, you can do whatever you want. You'll probably go on some terrible dates but at least you'll have given it a try." Marilyn finished her coffee and checked her watch. "I've got to go. I'm meeting Dan at Crate & Barrel; I'm helping him Christmas shop for his sisters." Marilyn had just gotten engaged and was trying to fit in with her fiance's family. The other women packed up and left too.

Charlotte lingered at the cafe after her friends left. This was one of her favorite places and it was right down the street from her apartment. Owen, the owner and baker, was amazingly talented and didn't mind if she worked on her articles when she needed a break from her apartment. He stopped by her table to check on her.

"Are you still working on the cake?" He brought her another latte too.

"No, but I'll grab a box and take it with me. My friends never do their part when we order cake." She smiled at Owen. "Can I ask you something? I think I need a guy's opinion on something."

"Sure. Always happy to be the "guy opinion" on things." Owen sat down across from Charlotte.

"If you were on an online dating site and a woman asked you out, would you go? Or is that too aggressive?" Charlotte thought she sounded like a moron. She was a smart, adult woman with a great job, nice apartment, and a pleasant life. Why was she so awkward when it came to this sort of thing?

Owen thought about it for a minute, "I think if you're on one of those sites you have the expectation that either participant in the conversation could be the one doing the asking. I don't know why you'd go on a dating site if you didn't expect a woman to ask you out or if you weren't comfortable doing the asking if you're interested or if someone expresses interest in you."

"Thank you. That's what I thought but the confirmation is helpful." Charlotte took a sip of her coffee. "I'm going to try a little experiment and see if you're right."

"Which site are you on? Or aren't you allowed to say?" Owen got up to grab her a to-go box for her cake.

"I don't think it matters. I'm on It's Only a Date. It seemed like the only one that wasn't oddly religious, for hookups only, or about getting married. However, I seem to be failing and only have until Christmas Eve to really use my subscription since that's when it expires. I don't think I'm going to extend it." Charlotte put the cake in the box and started putting on her scarf and coat.

"Well, good luck. I hope you find whoever you're looking for." Owen started clearing the table.

"Thanks for the advice and the coffee. See you tomorrow!" Charlotte left for home.

Owen watched her walk down the street. He always liked Charlotte and decided to do something about it. After closing he created his own profile on It's Only a Date. Maybe he'd be one of Charlotte's twelve dates of Christmas.

Imagine a montage sequence of Charlotte diving into her online dating account and going on the first six dates.

Seven days later: The women are sitting around the same table having coffee and discussing Charlotte's progress. This time Charlotte wouldn't allow them to share cake since they always left her with the leftovers. She was enjoying Owen's famous pecan pie. Since the last meeting, Charlotte had been on six dates and had six more scheduled before Christmas Eve. 

"So you've just been accepting whoever asks you out?" Beth still didn't approve of Charlotte's plan to date as many people in the remaining days of her online dating subscription.

"Yes and no. In some cases I ask them out if there's something about their profile I like. I've given them all nicknames." Charlotte finished her pie and smiled.

"And the nicknames are?" Marilyn thought this was all hilarious.

"Date 1: Possibly Has a Secret Family Guy because he has all these photos with women and children in them but doesn't explain who the women and children are so I assume he has a secret family." Her friends laughed. "Date 2: Rugby Guy which was confusing because all of his profile pictures were of him playing lacrosse. Date 3: Awkward Screen Name Guy - seriously used "yolo" in a sentence four times on our date. Date 4: Outdoorsy Guy. We met up for a hike and I thought I was going to die. Date 5: Acquaintance Guy - he's from one of the company's we use at work for online editing software. It was weird since we know each other but don't. And Date 6: Weird Dog Email Guy. He wrote me an email about his dog and then spent the entire dinner talking about his dog. She's a Springer Spaniel named Daisy. At least he didn't bring Daisy with him." Charlotte sipped her coffee while her friends considered her list. Owen waved from the counter. She had brought Possibly Secret Family Guy here and the ridiculousness of the date had made Owen laugh.

"Any promising options for second dates?" Rebecca asked.

"Acquaintance Guy has texted and it wouldn't be terrible. The others are all nos for me. I have six more dates lined up. Want to hear their nicknames?" Charlotte shared the next six names: Date 7: Decoupage Guy (apparently he enjoyed decoupage or sarcasm, Charlotte wasn't sure which); Date 8: Very Into Christmas Guy (they were going to a tree lighting ceremony); Date 9: Hates His Family Guy; Date 10: In Need of Some Grammar Lessons Guy (Charlotte should have turned him down but he was very nice online); Date 11: Marathon Guy (no running would be involved in the date thankfully); and Date 12: Awesome Profile Guy (no photo but his profile was the best she had read).

"Are you concerned that Awesome Profile Guy will be horrifying to look at? I think it's weird that he didn't put up a photo. How hard is it these days to take a picture?" Beth was trying hard to find a flaw in Charlotte's plan.

"It absolutely does not bother me. I'll take no photo over awkward selfie on a bed or weird photo of you on vacation with your bros. It might be better since I'll have no preset notions about him being my "type" which I don't believe I have anyway. His profile was funny, seemed completely truthful, and sincere. I'm holding out hope for Awesome Profile Guy."

"Did you ask him out or did he ask you?" Marilyn finished her coffee and was trying to decide if she wanted a refill.

"We asked each other out although I will give him credit for the date since he picked where we're meeting. I'm going to get a refill. Anyone else?" Marilyn nodded and Charlotte took their cups up to the counter.

Beth spoke in a stage whisper, "I think we should do some spying for these last dates. I don't like this idea but I think we should help."

"Or meddle but help sounds nicer." Marilyn didn't disagree. "We can rotate since I don't think I can spare six nights with all the holiday prep and parties I have to go to. Being engaged at Christmas is the worst by the way. Why didn't either of you tell me that?"

Rebecca ignored the question, "Plan of attack: we'll each take three dates. She'll tell us where they're at and then we can share notes over text and email and intervene if we feel it's necessary."

"Sounds like a plan to me. She's coming back." Marilyn changed the subject back to the upcoming dates. "So where are the remaining dates?"

They spent the rest of their coffee date talking about Charlotte's upcoming dates and everyone's holiday plans. None of them noticed Owen inch closer to their table. He was eavesdropping a bit, getting hints at what Charlotte did and didn't like about her previous six dates and her thoughts on the next six. He wanted whatever information he thought would help. He rather liked his nickname, Awesome Profile Guy.

Several days later, December 24th: Charlotte is in her apartment getting ready for Date 12: Awesome Profile Guy. The pile of discarded clothes has grown over the course of the late afternoon; she's been trying on every outfit in her closet for her date. Nothing seems to be quite right; she refused to buy anything new but is now regretting her choice. Her cat, Cheese, is watching her with feigned interest. Finally she comes up with a winning combination: black skirt, grey sweater with an incredibly flattering neckline, purple tights, boots, and a necklace she found at a vintage store. She feels comfortable and attractive. The final five dates were exactly as she thought they would be: fun, a little awkward, but not worth a second date. Acquaintance Guy never got back to her so Awesome Profile Guy was it. If this didn't work out, she would enjoy her single life and never try online dating again. And maybe get another cat. Her phone rings.

"Hey Marilyn. I'm just getting ready to leave. What's up?" Charlotte had met with her friends once more since starting the second half of her dates. Oddly they were all in agreement with her on each date, even Beth. She suspected they were up to something but didn't know what.

"Just wanted to wish you luck. Where are you going again?"

"We're meeting at the Holiday Market on Main and 14th Street. I'm supposed to meet him by the hot chocolate stand on the 14th Street side of the market. We're going to explore the market and then have dinner somewhere nearby." Charlotte applied some lipstick and threw it in her purse.

"Since you don't know what he looks like, how will you know it's him?" Awesome Profile Guy was technically on Marilyn's list but all three women were going on this one.

"He told me he'd be wearing a Star Wars holiday themed scarf and would have hot chocolates ready for us. He knows what I look like so it'll be fine. I have to go or I'll be late. I'll call you later." They said their goodbyes and Charlotte put her phone in her purse. "Cheese, wish me luck." The cat mewed at her and went back to napping. "Good enough."

Charlotte walked to the market at a quick pace. It wasn't far from her apartment and she didn't mind the cold. She was more excited for this date than any of the other eleven; something about Awesome Profile Guy made her happy. She thought this was a very good sign. The market was crowded more than she expected given that it was Christmas Eve; people were packed around the stalls and the food trucks. The ice skating rink was in the middle of the market and it was full too. Charlotte made her way through the crowds and to the hot chocolate stand on 14th Street. As she was approaching, she could have sworn she saw her friends ducking behind a vendor selling knitwear but she couldn't be sure. Marilyn always wore this very specific red coat and that was what caught Charlotte's eye. She shrugged it off as pre-date nerves and continued to the stand. It wasn't as crowded as the other parts of the market and even had a little sit down area with picnic tables. She didn't see a guy wearing a Star Wars holiday scarf. Was she early? No, right on time. She looked around a bit more, going around to the other side of the stand in case he was over there instead. No Star Wars scarf. She waited a few minutes, watching families and couples walk by. No single guys in Stars Wars scarves. She started to walk back around to the other side."He'll be here," she said to herself.

As she turned to go back she saw two things at once: Owen walking towards her wearing a Star Wars holiday scarf (Wookies in Santa hats and what looked like Yoda as an elf; she couldn't be sure) carrying two cups and Marilyn's distinct red coat. She wasn't sure which image was more surprising. She opted to ignore her friends; she could clearly see all three of them hiding/not hiding behind a neighboring food truck and focused on the person she'd been calling Awesome Profile Guy.

"Hot chocolate?" He asked.

"Don't mind if I do. So, you're my date?" Charlotte took the cup from him and waited for an answer.

Owen smiled. "I figured why not? We've always gotten along well in the two years you've come into the cafe so I thought I'd give it a try."

"You could have just asked me out without having to go through the hassle of the website." Charlotte sipped her hot chocolate.

"Yes, but then I wouldn't have gotten an awesome nickname. The nickname makes the online profile worth it. Would you like to walk around or sit?"

"Walk. We have an audience." She gestured towards the food truck and her friends. "They mean well but are a bit overprotective. I have a feeling they've been following me all week. Also, sorry about the nickname thing. You probably heard us talking about you and the other dates." Charlotte was trying to remember if she or her friends had said anything really embarrassing. "I'm sorry if we said anything super embarrassing."

Owen laughed, "I'd probably do the same thing with nicknames. Actually I refer to you as "Writer Girl" to my friends. Done it for years. And that was more embarrassing of an admission than anything you said to your friends."

"That makes me feel better, I think." They walked closer to the skating rink. "Do you always go on dates on Christmas Eve? I'm usually not here but my parents went on a cruise this year." Charlotte was spending Christmas day with her friends and their families.

"I don't date much and have never been out on a date on Christmas Eve. You said your subscription was ending today so I went with it. It's kind of perfect don't you think?" They stopped just short of the ice skating rink entrance. It really was lovely; sparkly and bright. It was exactly like the end of all the holiday rom-coms she watched incessantly in the lead up to Christmas.

"It's like a holiday card. In a good way. Let's sit over there and watch the skaters; I'm terrible at skating or I'd suggest we give a whirl." Charlotte led the way to an empty bench.

"I can't skate to save my life. I'd probably break something." They drank their hot chocolate and began a running commentary on the skaters. Their conversation eventually veered into more first date type topics. Charlotte noticed her friends only one more time, exiting the market quickly waving at her as they did. She took it as a good sign that they were leaving; it meant they approved or at least were going to leave her alone on this one. It was getting colder and the pair decided to go to dinner. Most places were closed because of the holidays but they eventually found a 24 hour diner that was open and not too crowded. They ordered coffees and breakfast for dinner and spent the rest of the night talking and not paying attention to the time. Charlotte finally realized it was almost midnight.

"We should probably go. Our waitress looks unhappy with our presence despite our additional purchases of apple pie and french fries. That should have been a gross combination but it was surprisingly good." Charlotte smiled at Owen.

"It's not like we ate the pie with french fries on top. They were adjacent items. I see your point on the combination and our waitress. We should go." Owen paid the bill, leaving an excellent tip. They waved at the waitress as they exited. She did not wave back.

It was snowing lightly as they exited the diner. "Do you want to walk or get a cab?" Owen asked.

"Walk. Walking in the snow seems like a very Christmas Eve thing to do" Charlotte replied.

"Okay but remember that statement in a few minutes when the snow picks up and we're both miserable." He took her hand and they walked towards her apartment.

"It's not going to get worse." Charlotte was convinced, although she did not share it with Owen, that there was some sort of Christmas magic working this evening. It had been a perfect evening, after she'd gotten over the shock of date twelve being Owen. They'd known each other for years; it just seemed right. The snow did not get worse but they were at her apartment building much too quickly.

"Here we are," Charlotte stopped in front of her building. "I had a really great time tonight. It was unexpected but I'm glad you're Awesome Profile Guy."

"Good. This would have been a terrible idea if you ended up hating me or something." Owen smiled at her, the same warm smile that had been greeting her for years.

"Well, I'd like to go out again if you're game."

"I think that's a great idea. I'm guessing tomorrow is out of the question with it being Christmas and all. How about the next day?"

"What no three day rule? I'm kidding of course. Yes, the 26th would be great."

"Then it's a date. Merry Christmas, Charlotte."

"Merry Christmas, Owen." As they kissed for the first time, the snow picked up dramatically.

"I told you it would get worse." Owen teased.

"Or better." Charlotte kissed him again as the snow whirled around them.

The snow whirls and swirls around the pair as Christmas music plays. We follow a swirl of snow up into the sky. End Hallmark Christmas movie.

Your Resident Single Friend: Passing notes in class would be easier

I got an email this week from the online dating site I belong to letting me know that "successful" people who have been part of the site for the same amount of time as me (14 days, 18 by the time you read this) sent and received more messages than I have in the same amount of time. I assume this information is supposed to be motivational. I want to believe that this company cares and that the person on the other end of that email was sitting in his/her cubicle thinking "This email will be awesome! It will push those shy/unsure/socially awkward guys/gals out of their comfort zone and help them find their matches and get out there in love!" And then a bluebird landed on their desk and a group of squirrels brought them coffee.

I may be a bit cynical.

I was not motivated by this email. Instead, it made me feel bad. I get it, writing a good email is hard. Intention and tone are challenging and mass emails are even worse. The message is clear: you are not trying hard enough. This email made me want to cancel by subscription and tell this company exactly where they could place that email. Signing up for online dating is stressful enough; why would they want me to feel bad about it in the process?

Back in March I decided I would apply for Date Lab and create an online dating profile. At the time, I only applie for Date Lab. I thought I'd see if I was one of those Date Lab people who immediately got set up with someone or if I would be one who would get matched five years later. I'm guessing five years later is my fate. Anyway, since I had done "the work" of applying for Date Lab I basically had the answers to my profile ready but I didn't move forward with part two of this plan until fourteen-ish days ago when I decided to throw caution to the dating wind and get online.

For someone like me, an introvert with a lot of very specific likes and dislikes who has not had great luck in the dating world, creating an online dating profile is like that dream where you show up at an important presentation completely naked or only speak gibberish - terrifying and ridiculous. It's outside of my comfort zone.Yes, I can talk to a group of employees or museum visitors about my personal life or whatever we're discussing. I have a shared experience with those groups so the interaction is different. Online dating is all about putting yourself out there and creating an image of yourself that is truthful while still be exciting and captivating. You have to stand out and sparkle in some way. Introverts are not great at sparkling. I don't want to lie in my profile (a helpful article in The Washington Post this past weekend assures me that lying on profiles is a myth). While I don't have to use my name in my screen name or even share incredibly identifiable information (although some people do), it's still about talking about myself in a self-promotional way that I'm not very good at. I just want to be myself as this post on Quiet Revolution suggests. My friend Jordana offered a "recommendation" of sorts to add if I wanted to; she described me as "Wes Anderson witty" and as "an organized dreamer." I may or may not have used one of those phrases in my profile. Mostly I want to come across as fun, quirky, smart, and date-able.

I believe I've accomplished that to some extent. In my first day on the site, I received three photo likes (I'm guessing it was because of the dinosaurs in the background), a profile like, and an email from someone who's screen name left something to be desired. Seriously, using "yolo" in any identifying way is a bad life choice. I couldn't take him seriously so it was a delete on my end. I've done my daily check in of reading matched profiles and liking guys I found funny or interesting. And that's about it. I have not emailed, winked, or done any of the other things that feel suspiciously like a more expensive form of passing notes in middle school. And the site agrees; I'm not working to my full dating site potential. I'm not being "successful" and outgoing like those other members. I guess the fear of being rejected is strong even in a somewhat anonymous online world. Sad but true.

Of course I have not given up. The process is far too entertaining to give up and I am hopeful that it will at least lead to meeting a gentleman or two. Nicknames have been fun: "yolo" guy, Spaniel guy (he emailed me about walking his dog in the rain), decoupage guy (I told Jordana I would email him because his profile made me laugh for the right reasons rather than say, the terrible grammar or wildly inappropriate screen name), and possibly has a secret family guy (all of his photos feature a different woman with no explanation as to her identity - I assume it means he has a secret family). I was also matched with someone who I know...kind of. I don't know him well and I'm fairly certain he wouldn't recognize me out of context (we're work acquaintances). I feel like this can only get better; eventually the job search-like quality of the search will become actual communication.

What I'm most comforted by is the support I've received from my friends. There is a group at work who I refer to as "The Ladies Committee." If given access and permission I'm certain they would do all the rating, liking, and winking for me but I have not allowed that. Yet. I hope they'll help me agonize over an email when a potential date arises (because that's what girls do) and keep me from going on painful dates (or at least only a few of them). Two of my friends would like to be present on dates just in case or to be able to interview them. There was some discussion around communications equipment like ear pieces; a bit much but the sentiment is appreciated. One of my guy friends even told me that he would never do this and admired that I had but myself out there despite the awkwardness and potential for disappointment.

As I said back in March, the key to being successful (or at least trying this whole thing) is being comfortable with yourself. I know I'm awesome (just telling the truth). There is someone out there equally awesome who will appreciate my awesomeness.

And dinosaurs. He'll have to appreciate dinosaurs.

The photo that got the likes.

Your Resident Single Friend: Doing things by yourself vs. Being lonely

Loyal Island readers will be happy to know that I completed and submitted my Date Lab application this past Sunday. Y'all keep me honest and now we wait and see what the dating geniuses/mad scientists at The Washington Post come up with when trying to find a suitable match for me. I answered all the questions as best as I could and was honest. I used this as one of my allotted photos:

Teddy is my favorite and I do genuinely like going to baseball games. That makes me a catch right?

Rather than dwelling on the idea that TWP may not find a match for me, I decided that I need to address something that comes up every now and then when I discuss my love life with my friends (both single and attached/married friends). Without fail, we eventually make our way to the topic of doing things by yourself versus being lonely. There is a difference and it's always interesting to see where my friends' opinions fall on this. I could make a lot of grand statements about personality types or the relationship status of the person but ultimately, those things are only part of the equation.The collective we places a lot of importance on having friends and networks of contacts and being social while also praising independence and uniqueness (although not outward weirdness). Quirky is cool as long as you can somehow turn that into something mainstream and can diminish the independence of the subject (this is why the Manic Pixie Dream Girl exists). Frankly, this is messed up and it's what causes my friends (and me) to get into heated debates about how doing things by yourself is not the same as being lonely. They may occasionally be connected but my personal experience has taught me that they are not synonymous despite what society and pop culture would like us to believe.

People, my friends included, assume that because I do things by myself that I am sad and lonely. The truth is that I like to do things by myself. This doesn't mean that I am lonely. I'm a fairly classic introvert and I happen to need time to myself. I'm not a fan of things like small talk and extreme group situations. I love Susan Cain's book and Ted Talk about the power of introversion. It's given me a lot to think about in terms of my relationships and communication style. The true balance of being an introvert is that you need both alone time and meaningful time with trusted friends. I don't need to talk to a ton of people at a happy hour; I need to spend time with a few friends during said happy hour talking, laughing, and enjoying ourselves. When I go home from that happy hour, I want to watch a little tv or read or do some writing. It's how I recharge and think through things. I'm not being a recluse or antisocial; I just need a little down time. That shouldn't be a bad thing.

I'm also incredibly independent and am absolutely fine with doing things by myself. Going to the movies alone is one of my favorite things to do; there is beauty in sitting in a dark theater watching any movie and not having to think about whether your companion is enjoying the movie or what you're going to do after. It's about the film and the story. Now there are some movies that are designed for groups (comic book movies, Magic Mike, the Pitch Perfect movies) but for the most part I prefer going alone. I also have no problem going to a restaurant by myself. I've spent enough of my professional life traveling for work that this is a non-issue for me. I bring a book, observe people (and make up stories about them), or just focus on the meal that I'm eating. There's nothing embarrassing about this. I understand that it's not for everyone though so I'm in no way trying to make anyone feel bad if this isn't their thing. However, I do believe that we have created unnecessary fear about dining alone. Some people have social anxiety about this (which is totally legit); others have simply chosen to believe the lies that dining alone means you are sad and pathetic. You're not.

To me, being able to be by yourself is something that all adults should be able to do regardless of their personality type or sociability. We all need time to recharge, think in a more focused way, and simply not have to be in the noise of daily life. Even the most social people need a break from time to time and you should be able to take a break with yourself.

I will concede that there are some events/situations that do not belong in the "do by yourself" category and can potentially be the stuff that causes a person to feel lonely. I've done several of these things by myself and have, on occasion, felt lonely while doing so. These are the times when it's good to call in your friends or a family member or bribe someone to be your date:

• Weddings - Being the single person at a wedding is the absolute worst (destination weddings are the worst of the worst especially if it's somewhere secluded or on the romantic side). I would never not go to a friend's or relative's wedding because of my single status but I would still know how potentially lonely it can be. Emotions run high at weddings and going alone often makes that worse. I have at least two weddings in the next year or so and I would rather beg/bribe any of my single guy friends to be my date than go alone. 
• Certain types of travel - I love to travel by myself but there are some types of trips that are better with a group or a friend or two. Road trips, cruises, and theme parks are so much better when others are around. I loved my solo trip to Paris but my one regret is not spending as much time out at night because I wasn't comfortable doing so alone. There are also certain countries I won't go to by myself. Traveling alone makes me feel brave and free but I also know that I have to be incredibly careful when doing so. Such is the world we live in.
• Concerts - Yes, I have been to concerts by myself and had a great time. However, I have more fun when I'm with friends or my favorite concert buddy, my brother. I'm especially fond of going to outdoor concerts with groups.
• Sporting events - I don't think I've ever gone to a sporting event by myself. Like concerts, games are more fun with a crowd. And I love to people watch so sharing those observations with someone else makes them even more entertaining. 
• Certain holiday events - I'm mostly thinking of holiday parties from around Thanksgiving through New Year's and then social holidays like Memorial Day and the 4th of July (picnic/BBQ season). It's the small talk that gets me at these types of events. I always want a partner in crime to get me out of awkward social interactions with strangers or acquaintances.
• Parties where you only know the host - This is the one type of social event that gives me social anxiety. I often find excuses not to go to these parties if none of my friends are going or I can't convince a friend to join me. I'm not the type of person that would just walk up to someone new and start a conversation (except at work because it's part of my job). I'd probably end up hanging out with the pet of the host rather than the other guests.
• Buying furniture or other significant purchases - Second opinions are helpful and insightful. Just because you have a vision about that new couch or car doesn't mean that the vision actually works. Or maybe it is absolutely perfect and your friend confirms your awesomeness. Win either way.

I think it's important to consider this as I think about the Date Lab application and the possibility of trying online dating again. Since I do like to do things by myself, how much of that will I lose if I start dating? Do I need a more introverted person in my life or would I be better suited to be with an extrovert? How much of this is tied to the fact that I don't want to have to have the "by myself vs. alone" conversation/argument with my friends anymore?

It goes back to the idea of a balance for the introverted - being able to be confident enough in my own need of alone time while balancing the desire to spend time with those important to me. Maybe I've missed that balance for all these years and that is why I'm Your Resident Single Friend.


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You get a date! And you get a date! And you get a date!

Here's the awesome/challenging thing about writing a blog - you have to do the things you write about because you published it online for the world to see. And then you promoted it on all of your social media accounts. Being a blogger is a wonderful accountability tool.

Several weeks ago I mentioned in a "coming soon" note at the end of one of my posts that I was planning to apply for Date Lab this spring. What's that? You're not familiar with Date Lab? Date Lab is my favorite part of The Washington Post Magazine. I started reading it when I moved back to the DC area in 2006 and quickly turned my mother into another super fan. The basics are this: two people are matched up and go on a date paid for by the paper (and agree to the fact that WP staff are responsible for setting them up). They agree to take photos on the date and be interviewed following the date. Most of them don't end in a second date but it's always fun to read and see how people's expectations differ from reality. My favorites are the older couples (especially the couple in their 70s from a year or so ago); they have their priorities in order.

I've been joking about applying for Date Lab for years. I'm not much of a dater and I'm naturally introverted so things like small talk and bringing attention to myself are not my favorite activities. When you date, you have to do both. It's weird because I talk for a living (teacher, trainer, docent) but it's different in a dating situation. I know I'm making excuses for my lack of a significant dating history but it's my blog so I can. Anyway, I decided that this would be the year that I would apply for Date Lab. There is no guarantee that I will be matched in the near future; the database is pretty big and there have been people who are married by the time Date Lab gets around to them. Maybe that's the real power of Date Lab; you put yourself out there and love or whatever finds you without their assistance.

But let's focus on the task at hand: completing the Date Lab application. When deciding to do any type of online dating you have to be prepared for answering a lot of questions about yourself that are probably not the types of questions you've spent time contemplating. That's probably why dating is hard; none of sit around thinking about the perfect date or even these "would you rather" questions. There should be some sort of class that we're all required to take that forces us to go through the process of really deciding what it is we want in a significant other and how to talk about yourself without sounding like an idiot. I don't think taking this class would mean that we'd never date awful people but at least we'd be more aware of the fact that we're making a poor life choice.

I'm taking some time off later this month (it's March use it or loss it PTO time) and decided that I would spend a bit of my staycation working on my Date Lab application and creating a Match.com account. The Date Lab application does not have a save and return option so I thought it best that I get prepared for this exciting endeavor by going through the questions in advance and having an idea of I will respond. I may have printed out the online form. My inner planner must control everything. It's not a long application but I do have to find some photos of me that I like (up to three!) and answer some rather difficult/interesting questions. Let's examine some of my favorites from the application:

• What is the first thing you do in the morning? Not a challenging question but is it too boring to say I make coffee, feed Pumpkin, check my email, and take a shower? On the weekends, I go to the gym before checking email. That's how crazy my morning gets. Should I have a more significant morning routine?
• Pitch your dating history as a tv show. I have no idea how I'm going to answer this question. How does this sound: Smart, sarcastic, but incredibly nice young woman expects too much from the guys she dates so she never finds the right one. Instead, she dates men that could only be described as man-children and watches more of her friends get married while hanging out with her cat and traveling? I'm guessing that's a bit too bitter. What if I dress it up with a fun friend played by Tina Fey or Neil Patrick Harris? People seem to like them.
• What ways are you very DC? I actually like this question a lot. Part of the challenge of dating for me is that I live here and I have an aversion to being too DC because that means something somewhat unpleasant to many people. I also don't want to be too NOVA because I'm not really from here and don't own it either. This is the problem with growing up with a transient suburban existence. I guess I would say that I'm very DC because I judge people based on whether or not they know how to navigate the Metro, their opinions on commuting, and whether they consider Arlington a suburb or a city. I also know that the best way to experience the monuments is at night. I'm very NOVA because I think it's problematic if a person doesn't know how to get to their house without using public transportation. You're an adult; you should know how to get home.
• What makes you a good catch? I'm sure I'm not the only one who struggles to answer this question. It's not that I can't but you have to strike a balance between talking yourself up and not sounding too full of yourself. I have a lot of varied interests so I can keep up in conversations, I like nerdy things so that will appeal to a lot of people, and I think I'm amusing and fun to be around. That's a start.
• Dream date - whom or what kind of person would you like to date? I'm assuming I  should avoid quoting the Bonnie Tyler song from Footloose so do you think asking for someone who is a combination of Andy Dwyer and Ben Wyatt from Parks and Rec and might also play the drums, hasn't been arrested/convicted of a felony, has a job, and likes cats is too much to ask for? I like slightly goofy and nerdy guys with good hygiene and who can cook. Liking the same/similar music would also be a plus.
• No-go - what would rule someone out? The easy ones would be a convicted felon, someone who clearly hates women (you know what I mean), someone without any manners, and someone who dislikes fun. Being employed would be nice. Should I include that I have an aversion to both Enya and Kid Rock, movies starring James Franco, men who wear incredibly skinny jeans and deep V-neck t-shirts who are not famous rock stars, and professional basketball? How much is too much?

There are about fifteen additional questions but they're fairly straightforward. I need to pick my theme song and the superpower I'd most like to have (I waiver between telepathy and teleportation), whether or not I'm religious (not particularly), eat meat (yes), or drink (yes please), and my Gilligan's Island scenario (three hour tour that gets stranded - who would you want to be with, what foods would you take, and what movies would you bring to watch). I also like the question about what differences I'd like my date to have from me; I had this conversation with several of my guy friends (always have guy friends to help give you perspective) and I feel pretty confident about my response to this question. I'd never want to date my twin in everything; musical tastes need to be similar enough and I don't see myself dating an incredibly conservative man. That would not start or end well.

Introspection is a good thing. When I was younger I didn't feel so great about myself; I was always comparing myself to my friends (skinnier, prettier, knows how to apply eyeliner) so it was just amazing when a guy paid attention to me and wanted to be around. I was less interested in thinking about whether or not we made sense or if he was what I wanted in a partner. Now, I'm less concerned with how I compare to others and more focused on how awesome I am. I think that's the key to dating; you have to be comfortable with who you are so you don't become someone else because of a guy. RuPaul said it best, “Honey, if you can’t love yourself, how the hell you gonna love someone else?"

I guess the only thing left to do is play my theme song over and over again and get this application done.

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