I'm terrible at being an adult...

I've had one of those weeks where I just felt off. Everywhere I look it's people having babies and getting married and buying houses and inventing something awesome and going on a road trip to figure out their lives. Friends who are dong all these thing: I love you and am happy for you - please don't be offended. Sometimes, it's just a bit much. And the time changed too - why do we even still do this?

To top it all off, I had a realization: I suck at being an adult. Now mind you, I'm super responsible, highly organized, try to make smart life choices, and am a good citizen but there are certain things that I'm terrible at and don't ever believe that this will change. I had this realization while sitting in a health care benefits session at work. It had absolutely nothing to do with the presentation itself or our benefits (which are awesome). I had this moment where I just didn't care so I started making a list of the reasons I suck at being an adult. Because that seemed like the right thing do to.

So here are reasons I suck at being an adult:

• I can't do my own taxes. Math is not my thing and taxes are like math on amphetamines so I get nervous.
• I don't really understand health insurance. I mean, I get why one needs it. I understand what a deductible is but I really don't get it. There were people in this meeting that got it and they asked these complicated questions. My only thought was if I get scurvy, it'll be okay.
• I haven't been saving for retirement as well as I should be. Again, I have a retirement fund and I make contributions but I don't actively engage with it. I know, I'm terrible.
• I don't take vitamins. Not even in gummy form. 
• I'm terrible at scheduling "wellness" doctor's appointments. I have an aversion to doctors and dentists (although I did go to the dentist this year and have a follow up appointment on April 2).
• I loathe the gym. This is not so much me sucking at being an adult as me hating the gym on general principle. Like most people (don't act like you like it because you don't).
•  When people use phrases like "action item", "bandwidth", "pain point", and "white space" I don't just want to punch them, I want to give them the appropriate punk rock beat down that they deserve.
• Car maintenance makes my head hurt. Sorry Dad.
• My lip gloss collection consists primarily of Lip Smackers. My favorites are Dr. Pepper, Vanilla, and Strawberry. Because I'm 10. Did you know they have Girl Scout cookie flavored ones?
• I swear like a sailor - not the captain of the ship but a sailor. 
• I don't own a vacuum. I'm borrowing one from my parents (yes, they have two because they're adults).
• I don't floss.
• I don't own property. Yes, I "own" my car but making car payments isn't really ownership.
• I'd rather watch reruns of Jem and the Holograms than the news. Last year when a counselor called me a "gem" during a training, I wanted to respond that I am truly, truly outrageous.
• I probably overuse the words "awesome" and "whatever". 
• I haven't balanced my checkbook in years.
• I wear socks with owls, hedgehogs, and foxes unironically.
• Occasionally I like to have what I call "eat like an 8 year old" day(s). The menu includes Kraft mac and cheese, applesauce, Cap N Crunch, Goldfish crackers, chicken and stars soup, and strawberry pop tarts - not all at one time but usually within the same day. There's comfort in eating like an 8 year old.

When I got home from work the movie Overboard was on. I happened to turn it on exactly when Goldie Hawn says to Kurt Russell: "I want you to take up some of your grown-up responsibility." His response is something about earning money. I have grown-up responsibility but that doesn't make me the best adult. As I've said before, I know there's not one thing that makes a person an adult. (And PS - I lied in this previous post. See if you can find the lie.) Some people would say it's age or experience. Others might say that it has to do with feeling grounded in your career or life. I currently feel none of these things. I still haven't figured out being an adult or a grown-up. I guess I have to decide if I care anymore.

I think I'll blame it all on the time change. 

When you grow up your heart dies

"Jules, y'know, honey... this isn't real. You know what it is? It's St. Elmo's Fire. Electric flashes of light that appear in dark skies out of nowhere. Sailors would guide entire journeys by it, but the joke was on them... there was no fire. There wasn't even a St. Elmo. They made it up. They made it up because they thought they needed it to keep them going when times got tough, just like you're making up all of this. We're all going through this. It's our time at the edge"

 -Billy (Rob Lowe), St. Elmo's Fire

A couple of months ago, my friend Allison and I attempted to attend a movie night at Nationals Park. The event was promoted by Groupon (which is how Allison found out about it) and we were super stoked to go hang out with other 80s movie fans on a brisk evening and watch St. Elmo's Fire. At a baseball stadium. I had planned to do a Lazy Movie Weekend post about the experience too. It was going to be epic.

But that did not happen. When Allison and I arrived at Nationals Park, the lights were completely off and no one was there. There was no sign of the 80s cover band that was supposed to be playing or the cast look alikes. She and I were it. The one Nationals employee we found had no idea what we were talking about. Four other people would eventually wander over too, unaware of any cancellation. No one at Groupon responded to the email, the tweet or, the Facebook post went sent. Groupon punked us and it was disappointing. And so we got back on the Metro and went back to Clarendon and had dinner. We did see someone almost get arrested so we considered the evening a success.

The next day, Allison and I both got a response from Groupon. The event had been canceled but somehow Allison (who made the reservation) wasn't on the list for notification. They refunded the ticket price and gave Allison credit for future purchases so that worked out.

So, I didn't get to watch the movie after all. And it either hasn't been on tv at all or I come in the middle of the movie which isn't fun. So this isn't a Lazy Movie Weekend post (although I am going to to tell you some great things about this movie). Every year, usually around this time, I find myself suffering from what I can only categorize as ennui. Or a psychological zombie apocalypse. And for some reason, I associate this movie with this feeling. I believe I've finally figured out why.

St. Elmo's Fire is a later addition to the Brat Pack movie world. It's not a John Hughes movie and does not feature Molly Ringwald (Ally Sheedy sort of takes her place in this one). The movie takes place in DC (which is weird because it's not about politics at all and I think only movies about politics should take place here). It focuses on a group of 20 somethings just out of college who are trying to make their way in life. They're moving into their first jobs out of college, trying to figure out their love lives, and generally doing the stupid things that people in the 80s did all the time (at least in movies). Like wear layers of clothes with shoulder pads. Or date Judd Nelson.

There are some things that I absolutely love about this movie:

• Ally Sheedy's character Leslie is who I imagine Claire (from The Breakfast Club) would have become if she was a real person. 
• There's a scene in which Ally (Leslie) and Judd (Alec) have an argument over who gets to keep which records when they break up (sorry for the spoiler). This scene is my favorite because I could envision myself having a similar debate with a boyfriend but I also realize that this scene would probably not exist in a film if it was made today. Because only old people (like me) actually buy albums or CDs anymore. What do people divide up when they break up now?
• This quote by Kevin (Andrew McCarthy's morose character): "I enjoy being afraid of Russia. It's a harmless fear, but it makes America feel better, Russia gets an inflated sense of national worth from our paranoia. How's that?" This is why Red Dawn (and now it's remake) even exist.
• That I learned to be wary of certain types of gifts from boyfriends. Judd Nelson is to blame for this. If you've seen this movie you know what I'm talking about.
• If the club scene in Xanadu was what I envisioned adult night life was like, this movie is how I envisioned being 20ish and on my own would be like. Looking back on this now makes me laugh and feel sort of foolish.
• The end of the movie where they're all standing outside the bar looking in at the new versions of themselves and decide not to go in. Instead, they talk about getting together some other time. Probably for brunch. Because that's what grown-ups do - they go to brunch.

However my absolute favorite thing about this movie is this: Almost all of the characters are the person (or some variation of the person) that Ally Sheedy's character in The Breakfast Club described when she said "When you grow up your heart dies." Whether it's Alec who gives up his ideals to the almighty dollar or cheats on his girlfriend for no apparent reason except that he can or Kevin who should be writing but he's too wrapped up in his obsession with Leslie so he settles for writing obituaries and complaining about everything or Jules living what can only be described as a very 1980s lifestyle, they all represent what happens when you just don't believe in anything anymore. And I think that's what Allison (from The Breakfast Club) was really talking about: when you grow up you have to be so concerned with things like money and status and following some sort of preset path that you forget who you are and what you really believe in or are passionate about.

Wendy and Billy are really the only two that I don't think fall into this camp. I don't really care for Billy but he does get the hell out of dodge to follow his dreams so at least he does something. Wendy could take money from her wealthy family, marry the man that her father wants her to marry (who is terribly boring) and have an easy life. But she doesn't. She has her job (social worker), she lives away from her family, and her heart belongs to Billy (even though this is a horrible idea - remember this is 1980s Rob Lowe so he's basically playing himself in the movie). Wendy is the heart of this movie. She keeps the group together. She doesn't want their hearts to die.

And this is why I equate my ennui with this movie. I think about "When you grow up your heart dies" all the time. I never want to come to a point in my life where I'm not passionate about what I'm doing or the life I'm living. There's something about this time of the year that brings this into focus. Is it the end of the rush and excitement of the holidays? The realization that it's only going to get colder between now and March? That Congress comes back into session? I just don't know. I don't want my heart to die. I don't want to be friends with people who have let their hearts die or if I am, I want to be their Wendy and help them figure it out.

After all, I am Erin Counselor and that's a very Erin Counselor thing to do.

On being a grown-up

Grown-up.

When I was a kid I liked to fantasize about being a grown-up. I wanted to live in New York, be a famous Broadway costume designer, have an amazing husband (think a cross between Lloyd Dobler and Superman), be a great mom to 2 kids, and have a bulldog named Albert. I would be responsible, wise, and sophisticated. And grown-up. I thought that being older and being on my own instantly made me a grown-up.

At work this week (a very grown-up thing to be doing) I sent an email around to my colleagues about working with college prep years (something that we do). I explained what it was and why students might take a 5th year in high school (not always by choice of course). Anyway, one of my co-workers responded to the email whether there was an adult college prep school. He was joking but it also got me thinking-why isn't there an adult college prep school or just adult prep school? It's both hilarious and 100% true - everyone needs a prep year. I think I might have missed my prep year. I don't particularly feel like a grown-up and I'm not entirely sure if I ever will. Of course, Lorelei Gilmore would say I'm definitely not because real adults would never call themselves grown-ups and we all know the Gilmore Girls know all.

When I think about adults I think about my parents not me or my friends. I've only used the word adult when buying movie tickets. I know I'm of the age that one would normally consider an adult but is it just age? I know plenty of guys who are my age who are not adults (or grown-ups) and lots of women who will always be teenagers despite being in their late fifties. I also know a lot of teenagers who are way more grown-up and adult than their parents. Does the fact that I like Hello Kitty and blogging about the 36 things I love about some random movie keep me from being a real deal adult?

Obviously, I do adult things (don't be dirty). I pay taxes, pay bills, vote, act civilly in public (not necessarily something all adults do), sponsor a child in Rwanda, get the tires on my car rotated, care about my health insurance plan. I wear high heels, carry a big girl purse, buy alcohol legally, and vacation in places that don't involve keg parties or 10 people sharing a hotel room. I don't drink bourbon (something I've always felt was the epitome of grown-upness). I only recently bought my first car on my own. I've moved cross-country (about to do it a second time) but I feel like that's something teenagers do; grown-ups put down roots, not act like nomads.

So what makes an adult? Or a grown-up? Is there a difference? Should we all get a prep year?

My 33rd birthday is in about a week. I feel like I should be an adult or at least feel like one. I feel grown-upish and I really do think there's a difference. I just can't figure out what that difference is.

I guess at least I'm not like Charlize Theron's character in Young Adult. I don't pine for my high school days, don't have a high school boyfriend I should have married (or think I should have married), didn't use Patton Oswalt and then treat him like dirt, and don't ghost write young adult novels. I would love to write professionally but I'd prefer to explore my idea of a children's book about a dinosaur named Walter.

Everything is better with dinosaurs...even adulthood.

This is my best attempt at drawing Walter. I never said I was an artist.