At least I didn't ugly cry when I voted

I don't know who is going to win this election. In my heart and my head, I believe/know that Hillary Rodham Clinton will win. There's always a little hesitation when I say it out loud because this has been a challenging election to say the least and I feel like I might jinx something. This is also the reason I don't always watch Saints football games because my mere presence might somehow make a difference. It's silly and mildly paranoid but there's nothing I can do about that.

I wasn't sure how I would feel when I voted today. I didn't know how I would react to the opportunity to cast my vote for the first major party female candidate and (probably) the next President of the United States. Would I cry? Would I jump for joy? Would I show my ballot to the other voters so they could see the awesomeness? I couldn't predict how I would feel. I've been preparing for this a long time; ever since I first learned about the voting process in school. I've been a fan of voting since elementary school when we got to mock vote in elections; I was a civics geek then and I'm a civics geek now. I worked on my first campaign in high school for Senator Mark Warner. I cast my first vote in the 2000 election for Al Gore. I canvassed and campaigned for the Landrieus (Mitch and Mary), John Kerry, Barack Obama, and scores of local and state representatives. I have gotten out the vote for years and will get out the vote for years to come.

And I love Hillary Rodham Clinton. I do. I've been a fan of hers since way back when she became First Lady. I read her Wellesley commencement speech back then and was captivated by her idealism and her beliefs. She was a strong female voice when my youthful feminism needed direction. She led me to other heroes like Gloria and to start taking notice of female politicians (there weren't a lot in the 1990s). I knew, even back then, that HRC put up with (and continues to put up with) a bunch of crap as First Lady, the least of which came from her husband. I personally believe she's always been too much for people to handle; she didn't sit quietly by even when she was defending her choice to stay with her husband. During her recent opening monologue, Samantha Bee summed up all of my feelings pretty perfectly. You can watch it here.

So how would I actually feel today? It's hard to sum up my feelings in a way that doesn't make me sound like a blubbering crazy person who watches Hallmark movies for fun and talks to her cat (oh wait). I got up this morning feeling better than I've felt since Friday (I'm getting over a cold), I made some tea, had a little breakfast, and started getting ready for my day. I put on my Hillary '16 shirt, my "love trumps hate" button, and my comfy shoes. I walked to my precinct, checked in with my precinct captain (my shift wasn't starting for another hour), and got in line to vote. The line was decent; not long but not short either. Hats off to the election workers who keep the Drew School polling place moving; y'all are the true heroes of the election. I waited about 25 minutes to get my ballot. And then I got to fill it in. There was her name, right at the top, waiting for me to place my mark in the box. I stared at it for a full minute. My heart tightened. I got a little teary. And then I filled in the box. I finished my ballot with hands shaking, shaking from being excited about this moment and angry that it took so long and that this election was so ridiculous. Shaking for all the women who came before me and made it so I could be here today and vote for this woman to lead our country. Shaking for all the women who will come after, who I hope will continue to fight for what is right and important. Then, still shaking a bit, I actually cast my ballot. I put my ballot on the machine and it took it and registered it and the wonderful election worker gave me my "I Voted in Arlington" sticker. And it was done. I voted for Hillary Clinton. I voted for a woman for President.

On a normal Election Day, I would be done at this point. I'd go home or back to work and go through the rest of my day until it was time to go home and watch the returns. However, today was not a normal Election Day. I didn't go home but instead went right back outside, grabbed some sample ballots and worked my shift as a poll place greeter for the Arlington Democrats. I spent several hours with other dedicated volunteers, met voters in my community, and even saw a few of my neighbors (I think they were surprised to see me). I answered questions about ID requirements and connected voters to the outside poll person to report problems or concerns about the process. I saw women in white and pantsuits and families coming to vote so their children could understand what this process is about. I met my State Senator (I'm even on his Twitter feed today) and watched him meet and greet voters (fascinating on so many levels). I finished my shift, told my precinct captain to consider me on call if someone didn't show up, and walked back home. I spent the afternoon enjoying everyone's posts on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. And now I'm watching the returns and waiting.

We won't have a President when I publish this post. It's possible that we won't know the results of this election for several days if certain states are close as some experts believe they will be. I'm not okay with that but I will be okay with it anyway. I'll be okay with it because today, when I cast my vote, it was a moment that I won't ever forget. It was a moment that said for an entire generation of women that we don't have to be pretty, funny, or smart. We can be all of them or none of them. We can be whatever we want. And our sons and daughters can be whatever they want.

Except maybe dinosaurs. They can dress like dinosaurs but I don't think they can actually be dinosaurs.

It'll all be better on Wednesday

How's everyone doing? Is everyone still breathing and functioning at some human level? I know election seasons are challenging. It sounds like stress eating or drinking are good ideas but they're not. Try to stay healthy.

I've had a version of the "it'll all be better once this election is over" conversation about 40 times this past week with various friends and acquaintances. I'm not exactly sure what "better" actually is: do they mean by "better" that once the election is over we may or may not plunge into a dark abyss of hate and uncertainty? Then yes, things will get better. If they mean that the barrage of awful ads, terrible stories, and general dislike of the entire process will end then they don't understand things very well. I know that most people don't think either of these things. They believe "better" means things will calm down and we can get back to "normal." Or that they won't have to keep their children from watching the nightly news lest they hear the word "pussy" or something else equally inappropriate out of the mouth of a major party candidate.

There is very little I can do for any of these friends and acquaintances as we have these conversations. I know they want to be less anxious and stressed. I know they want to lose the fear of what is coming with the "end" of the election but unfortunately, that's not going to happen. I can pat them on the hand and offer a word of encouragement about having faith and being a good citizen. But that's about it. There is nothing else I can do to make them feel any better. I'm not psychic and I can't predict the future.

Depending on the friend, I usually ask two questions: What have you done? What are you willing to do next?

We don't have to be embedded with a campaign to make a difference. Voting is one way of making a difference; don't forget to vote on Tuesday EVEN if you believe you don't have to vote because your state always does this or that. It's not enough; get yourself to the polls on Tuesday and use your voice. But what else did you do? That's my question. We have become a nation of watchers and waiters. We watch what happens and we wait to see what will happen next. We think someone else will fix the thing or someone else will figure out how to combat institutional racism or sexism. Someone else will mend fences between religious groups or the police and the population. Someone else will figure out poverty and violence and all the other ills in the world. Someone else will do it.

You're right: someone else will. And then you'll be forced to decide where you stand when they do.

I know that I did not sit idly by during this election. I might not have been on the campaign trail and in the HRC headquarters every day but I was out there doing my part. I registered voters, I canvassed, and I phone banked whenever I could. Had I not been able to do that I would have continued to spend my time having conversations about these candidates with people so that they wouldn't just take the latest meme or crazy story and read it as truth. I asked questions and I had uncomfortable conversations with people even when they'd rather not listen. So I ask my friends who tell me they're scared and anxious, I ask them did they do that? Did they have those conversations? I know it's hard and you don't think anyone will listen but having those conversations, on all sides, is important. We can continue to disagree but we will have at least had these conversations and tried to understand one another. That is what being part of a civil society is about.

Don't forget to vote! I'll say it again, your vote matters. Maybe you don't believe that anymore but I do and it's important to keep this promise of democracy going. Maybe you can even wear white on Election Day to honor the women who came before you. On Tuesday, I'll be out casting my vote and making sure members of my community have a safe space to vote. Yes, I live in Arlington County, arguably the bluest part of Virginia, but I will be there so my neighbors can cast their vote however they choose to vote. I will be there to answer questions, provide a sample ballot should they want one, and make sure no one who can vote is prohibited from doing so. When I leave my shift at the end of Election Day, I know I will have done all that I can to make history.

And then the real work will begin. No matter who wins on Tuesday, the real work begins once we have a new President. I'll pose my second question again: What are you willing to do next?

If I have the joy of saying "Madam President" on Tuesday night/Wednesday morning, that does not mean I stop. It becomes my responsibility to hold Madam President accountable for her actions as President and work to make the changes she campaigned on become realities. It is my responsibility to hold Congress accountable for their actions and to question them when they continue to get in the way of progress and what is good and right for our country. It is my responsibility to vote and to question and to pester and to not back down.

If instead I have to choke on the name of our next President every time I say it, it is my responsibility to make sure his campaign promises that support hate and divide do not come to fruition. It is my responsibility to fight for my rights as a woman who does not want lawmakers and politicians making decisions about my body or anyone else's. It is my responsibility to fight against speech and actions that divide because of race, religion, or who a person loves. It is my responsibility to not allow us to step back into a place that we don't need to be as a country.

I am ready to do all of these things. Are you?

Vote on Tuesday. Don't forget to use your voice and exercise one of your fundamental rights. Don't let that right walk away from you because you don't think it matters. It matters.

If you still feel anxious and scared, here's the most adorable picture of Pumpkin (as determined by social media activity). If you click on it, you can probably download it or print it to keep with you always. Look at it when you feel scared; I promise it will help.

Twenty-Two Questions

This is not my originally planned post. I sat down last Sunday and wrote a pretty aggressive post slamming the GOP, their candidate, and the people who still support him. There was a lot of the f-word and anger at their garbage person of a candidate. I expressed disappointment in the system, in humanity, in democracy. It was a lot. Then I had a moment of clarity about what I had written. I was having dinner with some of my friends earlier this week. I don't see these ladies all that often (even though I work with two of them). It was fun and we laughed a lot and shared ridiculous stories. During the course of the evening, what I wrote on Sunday popped into my head and I couldn't bring myself to post it. Not because it's not true (it all is true) but because the anger isn't going to change anything. It's not going to change a person's mind if they're already set on a certain candidate. If his own words haven't changed their mind, my anger isn't going to do it either. The amount of obscenities would only make my mother sad.

So instead of being angry today (although I'm still very angry), I'd like to pose a series of questions that have been stomping around in my head during the last few months of this election. Some will make us all laugh, some channel my anger pretty specifically, some are what they are. I don't expect anyone to have the answers to these questions but I welcome your attempts in the comments. And you know, lists always make me feel better.

1. When did the GOP get so weak? I get that minorities and women aren't their people of choice but when did their rhetoric of hate become the only thing their party is about? Didn't they at least, at one point, talk about their platform and policy? I feel like that used to be a thing.
2. Does Paul Ryan get up in the morning, look at his collection of blue ties (the ones that bring out his eyes in a way us Democratic ladies don't like to admit we enjoy), and say to himself, "Does this shade of blue make me look less like I'm lying when I say I support our nominee? Or was it the sky blue tie? I can never remember."
3. When Hillary Clinton did the shoulder shimmy at the first debate, do you think she thought "Channel Beyonce but also give Kate McKinnon something good to do on SNL?"
4. How many people think having 17 candidates in a primary is a good idea?
5. Can anyone pinpoint the day it became acceptable to question the patriotism of a family who lost their son to war because of their religious beliefs?
6. Exactly where are these locker rooms the Republican candidate hangs out in? I don't think he understands that most people don't stand around discussing how they can get away with sexual assault in locker rooms unless they swim for Stanford or play football for Steubenville. 
7. When did we, as a nation, get so hung up on the word "pussy" being vulgar but don't condemn a candidate who doles out racist, homophobic, and xenophobic speech like he's giving out terrible candy on Halloween?
8. Follow up question: What type of candy do you think each candidate gives out on Halloween?
9. Who would watch a fourth debate if RuPaul was the debate moderator and made the nominees lip sync for their lives? 
10. Does Kellyanne Conway take five showers a day to cleanse herself of the filth she has to go on television and defend?
11. Did John McCain and every other GOP mouthpiece wake up after the bus video and realize "Holy shit, if I leave my mother/daughter/sister/wife in a room with him he might actually assault them? Now I have to go on television and talk about how much I love my wife/daughter/mother/sister because obviously I do all the time but particularly when it will make me look like I care about women generally. I mean, I do care about women generally but mostly when they sit quietly and don't talk about having freedom to make decisions about their bodies or contradict anything else I say."
12. Who would have thought that the Bush who would actually impact this election would be Billy Bush?
13. Does anyone know the appropriate gift to send to the debate moderators for their service to this country? Except Lester Holt - he gets nothing. 
14. Now that Rhianna is endorsing HRC, do you think she and Katy Perry will make up? I want them to be friends. I don't know why but I really want it to happen.
15. Is Melania okay?
16. Do you think Chelsea Clinton texts her dad (after teaching him how to text) every day asking him to make smart life choices? I think I would if I was her.
17. If Mike Pence and Tim Kaine lived in the same neighborhood somewhere in suburban American and one of the teenagers in the neighborhood threw a rager, which one would call the cops?
18. Follow up question: How many times would he call the cops in one evening?
19. Has anyone checked on Ben Carson lately? Is he okay? Does he know where he is and what planet he's on?
20. Which pantsuit was your favorite? It's the white one right? You don't think a white pantsuit is going to be good with her hair color but it just is.
21. Who was your favorite celebrity at the conventions? You pick the convention. 
22. What happened to Rudy Guiliani? I thought being the un-fun Republican from the Northeast was Chris Christie's job.

In the next seventeen days, I'm sure I'll come up with a lot more questions we need to answer. Until then, I'll be over here waiting for my "Icky Trump" t-shirt to arrive and listening to Janet Jackson's Control on repeat.

Happy Democratic Process America!

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Postcards from Charlottesville

"I am constantly roving about, to see what I have never seen before and shall never see again."

-Thomas Jefferson

Thomas Jefferson was an incredibly well-traveled man. His travels are reflected in his writings, his home, and his beliefs all manner of things from governing and liberty to architecture and gardening. When he traveled he often took the following with him:

• ivory leaf notebooks 
• a lap desk
• a small telescope
• a compass
• a thermometer
• drafting instruments
• an architect's scale
• a pocket knife

While my random knowledge of American history is pretty vast, I didn't just know this about Thomas Jefferson. I learned it at Monticello, the first stop on my most recent road trip. I like to think that I was as prepared as Jefferson with my cell phone (also my GPS and camera-multiple purposes! Jefferson would have loved it.), a notebook and pens, a book just in case I stopped somewhere for coffee, a car charger, and an iPod filled with an epic mix/playlist entitled "Postcards from Charlottesville."

I had to take some time off this month (it's use it or lose it time for PTO) so I decided that I would do a bunch of random things with my time including a day trip...somewhere. I usually go to Baltimore but I wasn't really feeling Baltimore this time around. Instead, I decided to take the 2-ish hour drive south to Charlottesville - home of Monticello and the University of Virginia. It's also the setting for one of my favorite books, Love is a Mix Tape. I've talked about this book before and will now admit something a little crazy: I have read this book 12 times. I can't help myself - it's just that amazing. And sad - you know how I like sad things. I sort of idolize Rob and Renee so this trip was a bit of a homage to them. The playlist (100 songs, 6 hours of music) was inspired by Love is a Mix Tape and includes songs referenced in the book as well as my own takes on the artists and songs I thought that Rob and Renee would love. It began with Frankie Valli, Liz Phair, and Martha & the Vandellas - always a good way to start a day.

I decided to start at Monticello because Thomas Jefferson is my favorite Founding Father and he's certainly my favorite part of the musical 1776. He wrote the Declaration of Independence (which is amongst my favorite government/historical documents). Yes, I have a favorite Founding Father and favorite historical documents. That's perfectly normal.
I like the tone of the Declaration of Independence and the boldness of its statements. I haven't been to Monticello since high school so it felt like time to visit again. There are several ways to get to Monticello from Arlington. I opted for the route that goes through Chancellorsville and the Wilderness battlefields and connects to the Constitution Route (VA-20). As I entered the Chancellorsville battlefield, the first Big Star song played on my iPod. Big Star is the band that brought Rob and Renee together (and they happen to be responsible for one of my top five songs). I took this as a sign of a good day ahead - Big Star would be sprinkled throughout the day but for my favorite song to be so early in the trip just felt right. If I had been so inclined, I could have stopped and seen the place where Stonewall Jackson's arm was shot off by his own men during the Battle of Chancellorsville (it was an accident). There's a white historical marker on the side of the highway so you can stop. I was not so inclined today. I also did not stop at the Battle of the Wilderness historical shelter but I did enjoy "Ring of Fire" as I drove through.

One of the things I love most about road trips is organizing the music (in some cases this is the absolute best part of a road trip). I'll be honest, I may have taken this trip just to organize this playlist. I sang along to "I Am...I Said" (not realizing just how sad this song really is until today), belted out "Stand By Your Man" as I turned toward Monticello, realized that Steven Tyler sounds nothing like Steven Tyler anymore, and came to terms with my complicated feelings towards Sir Mix-a-Lot's opus "Baby Got Back". I also finally decided that I am Kate Pierson (if I have to pick a B-52) and that both "Dance the Night Away" and "My Little Corner of the World" would be excellent first dance songs (for a wedding) despite the fact that they are probably really terrible to dance to in real life. I don't think Thomas Jefferson would have been offended that Missy Elliott's fantastic "Get Ur Freak On" was the song playing as I drove up Monticello Loop to the visitor center. I thought it amusing when "I Feel Like Going Home" came on as I kept getting turned around trying to leave downtown Charlottesville (stupid phone navigation). Even more amusing was the fact that "Supermodel (You Better Work)" came on just as I was passing by the exit for Stafford on my way home (amusing because this weekend I go back to Stafford to try on clothes for a "fashion show" that I'm in later in April). I think I'll just keep RuPaul in the back of my head while trying clothes on tomorrow (something I dislike doing) and while I actually participate in the show. It'll keep me amused.

I made it through 87 of the 100 songs before I got home (and I didn't skip or repeat any songs). Had I actually hit traffic either way, I might have made it through the whole list. Roxy Music's "More Than This" was the last song I played and it ended almost exactly as I pulled into a parking space at home. I turned the iPod off so as not to start a new song. I didn't get to the Notorious B.I.G. ("Hypnotize") or Tom Cochrane or Lou Reed or the last Big Star song or the saddest Matthew Sweet song I've ever heard ("Your Sweet Voice" - I think it's sad although it's probably not). And that's okay. The remaining 13 songs will be played before the end of the weekend.

I have a friend who doesn't see the point in road trips. For him, travel is about a destination not how you get there. I don't agree - I think that's a simplified argument and leaves out a lot of what goes into traveling: the nuances and navigation of travel, the need to communicate to fellow passengers (if there are any), getting lost. Every travel writer I've read or have heard speak doesn't ever just focus on the destination - they'd have no story to tell if they did. Interesting things can happen along the way to somewhere. Or to nowhere. That's really the point that my friend is missing - sometimes there isn't a destination at all. Sometimes it's just a journey. You might stop at places along the way but it's really about being out in the world and not really worrying about where it is you'll end up at the end of the day or road or whatever.

As long as you have one more song to listen to, you'll be fine.