You're Doing Everything Wrong: Procedural Drama Edition

I thought we'd end January on a pop culture note. What better way to mindlessly check out for a as long as it takes you to read this than to talk about procedural dramas? How many of you are settling in for a whole Saturday (or weekend) of watching Law & Order: SVU or NCIS reruns during a USA network marathon? You don't have to answer but always remember: I would never, ever judge you for that. Ever.

I was a huge procedural drama fan when I was younger (say 8th-11th grades, followed by right after college). Give me an episode of L.A. Law, the Mike Logan years of Law & Order, Law & Order: Criminal Intent, or even old school Hill Street Blues and I will be a happy person. My early love of these shows came from the fact that in my early high school years I really wanted to be a criminologist. I thought that was a cool sounding job and I read everything I could about being one. I even got to interview an FBI criminologist who went to our church for a school project. Somewhere between developing my crush on Mike Logan and getting the high school theatre bug, I slowed down on my viewing and my career goal. Later on, when I was working as an admissions counselor at Loyola, I would realize that like every teenager who came to my table at a college fair asking about our forensic chemistry program because they wanted to be a "CSI," I really didn't have the heart for the science part of this world. I know I chose the right path.

Another quality of procedural dramas have that I admire is the structure of the show. Much like a Hallmark holiday movie, there's a certain formula to procedurals. Law & Order (the whole franchise except Conviction) is a perfect example of clear structure: the police detectives (Law) have approximately 22 minutes to track the clues, interview witnesses, and find a suspect, all while smirking a bit and talking unlike any police detective you might actually know. If we're lucky, a suspect will run so Logan has to chase him and we get a little extra drama. Then the district attorneys (Order) have another 22 minutes to criticize police work, question witnesses, deal with slimy (mostly) defense attorneys, and have perfect hair. I'm sold especially if it involves a young Chris Noth (pre-Mr. Big), Jerry Orbach, Sam Waterston, and S. Epatha Merkerson.

If you move away from the highly structured universe of the Law & Order shows, procedural dramas are still structured in a way that most scripted television is not: bad guy/girl commits a crime, detectives/CSI/NCIS/FBI agents follow the clues, lawyers do lawyer-y things, and the case is solved. There can be completely shocking and awful and gruesome moments on these shows but even those moments fit within the very defined structure of the universe of whichever show you're watching. Key characters die (I'm looking at you, Lenny Briscoe), serial killers get away (the Miniature Killer on CSI is one of my favorite continuous plots), but there's nothing compared to many of the fantasy/sci-fi shows that are so popular now. No dragon swoops in and carries off Gil Grissom in any episode of CSI. No zombies chase the Criminal Minds agents through Mardi Gras while they track a killer. (Seriously, they tracked a killer in New Orleans once and it looked like it was Mardi Gras the entire episode and there was a New Orleans-y cop who really had more of a Cajun accent. I don't understand either.) Procedural dramas are completely grounded in reality regardless of the fact that a crime is solved (usually) in 44 minutes or less (an hour long tv show is actually only 44-45 minutes in length because of commercial breaks).

That's probably the other joy of a procedural drama: crime solving is super easy on these shows. We all know there is no way that any crime is going to be solved in 44 minutes or less UNLESS the criminal wrote a big "I did it" note for us to find. In theory, the episode is taking place over the course of a few days but it's always a little hard to tell since no one ever seems to go home and they all keep extra clothes in their lockers so how would you know the actual passage of time? On all of these shows, the very attractive cast finds the clues, uses really advanced technology and science, and occasionally they even have to do experiments to recreate conditions for things like decomposition or something else involving a fetal pig. It's almost always perfect; there's usually one episode a season where evidence is compromised and science is questioned but it always works out in the end. Grissom always figures something out to prove he's the best. I've never been able to figure out the wardrobe and styling on these shows; the women always look somewhere in the middle of casual Friday and business casual and the men are either completely suited up or look like they're heading to a club later. And everyone has perfect hair. Even when they're waist deep in a dumpster looking for clues, their hair is perfect and shiny.

I stopped watching procedural dramas in 2006 and it's all Tim Curry's fault. He started a two episode story arc on Criminal Minds at the end of the 2005 season. He played a serial killer who used a blackout to sneak into the homes of his victims and then kill them. Eventually, he would kidnap the daughter of one of the agents but it's in his first crimes that I completely could not deal with these shows anymore. He waited for his victims to do something like leave a window open a little bit or leave the front door open to go back to get something from the car to sneak into their home to kill them. He also hid in the shower in one part of the show. It was so simple: everyone closes their shower curtain when they leave the house. You wouldn't notice anything amiss because you closed the curtain. It creeped me out so much that I now leave the shower curtain open whenever I leave the house. This was the man who brought the most terrifying clown ever, Pennywise, to life. Now he's playing a serial killer who sneaks into someone's shower? I cannot do this anymore.

I didn't need procedural dramas. I had Gilmore Girls and RuPaul's Drag Race and Project Runway and Face/Off. Eventually I would start hate-watching Girls and Vinyl. Then Westworld would enter my life. And God bless Ryan Murphy and American Horror Story (except seasons 2 and 6). The only exception to this rule is NCIS reruns. My dad is a big fan so I tend to watch it with him when I'm over and I can't help but watch a marathon every now and then on USA. It's not the same level of creepy that the other shows fall into and who doesn't love Mark Harmon? I replaced procedurals with fast dialogue, pop culture references, and drag queens. If television watching is a game, I believe I'm winning.

Then I moved. Here's what happens when I move: I can't help myself with unpacking. I need to get as much done in the immediate 2-3 days after moving into a new place as I possibly can. I don't like boxes hanging around. I don't like not having my stuff where it belongs. I want to be settled in as quickly as possible. I used to listen to music while unpacking but with this move, for whatever reason, music wasn't helping with my unpacking. I didn't want to watch a new show in Netflix (of which I have many in my queue) and I've been slowly re-watching Gilmore Girls again but that's more of an after work "I need me time" kind of show. I happened to find a CSI marathon on the Esquire Network (yes, it's both a magazine and a tv network). The episodes were from the Grissom years (the only years that matter on this show) so I kept it on in the background as I unpacked my kitchen and my books and organized my closet. I remembered many of the episodes from when I originally watched the show and even some of the creepier ones didn't have the same effect on me now as they did when they originally aired. I didn't stop watching the mini-marathons on Esquire or WE Network (both show it during the week). Since moving into my new place, I come home from work and watch an episode or two while I make dinner and decompress from my day.

Then it dawned on me: I've been doing everything wrong when it comes to procedural dramas. The only way to watch them is to binge watch. On general principle, I don't binge watch television shows (Stranger Things and the Gilmore Girls revival being recent exceptions) because I like the idea of a show unfolding over time. That's the way I grew up watching tv shows since we didn't have DVRs or Netflix. I had to wait week after week to see what would happen next. Cliffhanger season finales were the best and worst thing to happen. Coming back to CSI and watching multiple episodes in one sitting has given me a new perspective on the procedural drama. I don't focus so much on the crimes occurring but the personalities and the interactions between the main cast. Sure, the crime they're investigating could be super gross (like the body soup in a bag in desert) or weird (the furry convention episode or the vampire/werewolf convention murder) or totally creepy (the Miniature Killer or the episode with the judge who might be planning to kill Grissom) or bizarre and a little funny (Lady Heather in the original few episodes she was in) but it all sort of blends together in one sitting.

I also know stuff about this show (like Sarah and Grissom are a thing or Warrick has a gambling problem that will eventually lead to his death) so I can watch for those plot lines in a way I didn't when I originally watched the show one episode at a time. Back then, it was about the grisly crime and the amped up science not so much about the characters. Now, I sit back and wait for a a joke about the case and some awkward interactions between at least two of the characters (because they're all so awkward) and I'm set. I count the number of times any of the women wear clothing that might be deemed inappropriate for the line of work they're in (mostly Catherine but it makes sense in the larger world of the show) and I wonder if poor Nick ever decided to get a dog because he always seemed so lonely. And the side characters? The police detectives and the lab techs; they're all so good. I still think there should be a Lady Heather/Gil Grissom spinoff show. I have no idea what it would be about but I'd watch it.

Thank you original CSI cast for your perfect hair, mildly inappropriate wardrobes, and awkward interactions. You've helped me see the error of my ways when it comes to procedural dramas. It's not about watching over time but watching in bulk. It's not really about the gruesome crime but the people solving said crime. Thank you for helping me to stop doing everything wrong.


Coming in February: Stuff I Love is coming back! This February, each weekend's post will focus on something I love in honor of the month of love.

Law & Order image
Grissom
Catherine Willows
Tim Curry meme 
CSI cast

You're Doing Everything Wrong: Civic Duty Edition

I enjoy being a good citizen. The citizenship award in elementary school was one of my favorite things and I wanted to be the good citizen of the month every month. That's probably not fair since a true good citizen would want to share the award but 3rd graders are selfish. Anyway, as an adult I've strived to do the things I can do to be a good, productive member of society. I was a high school Civics teacher which means I'm a super citizenship nerd. I vote and pay my taxes and I always put my cart back at the grocery. When I was younger I was much more of an activist, participating in protests more and being a more active volunteer. I've come to the realization that I don't love crowds as much as I used to so I tend to support the organizations I love and believe in through donations, background activities, and being an advocate. I enjoy writing strongly worded emails and letters to my congressional representatives and the county officials where I live. I describe this as "quiet activism." We all have to opt for the level of activism that we feel comfortable with in our lives.

One thing has been missing all these years: I've never served jury duty. I know most people would jump at the chance to not serve on jury duty but I am not most people. I received a jury summons once before from the state of Hawaii. However, I had recently moved back to Louisiana so Hawaii didn't want to spend the money to bring me back for jury duty. I guess I understand their reasoning but I was a little disappointed. I was never called in any of the other cities/counties/parishes I've lived in since. No jury duty in Metairie (Jefferson Parish), New Orleans (Orleans Parish), the City of Alexandria, or the City of Alameda. Sad. I've even been a little jealous of my friends and family when they've been called. Why did they get picked and not me? Yes, it's weird. I know that and I'm ok with it.

To say that I was pleasantly surprised when I received my jury summons from Arlington County would be an understatement. I was excited - finally I would be able to complete the good citizenship puzzle I've been working on my whole life. I would see the inside of a courtroom. I would listen intently to the lawyers argue their cases and make a decision based on the evidence presented. I would do my civic duty. Finally, my jury duty week arrived.

And I failed. I failed at jury duty.

This is not to say I did anything wrong; I did nothing wrong. I arrived on time (early because it's me). I dressed appropriately. I brought my jury duty lunch (which was super sad but still I did it). I read The Answer Book for Jury Service cover to cover once I checked in. I vowed to answer all the questions asked of me during the selection process truthfully. I binge watched the tv show Conviction (more on this shortly) because that's what one should do to prepare.

I didn't get picked. I didn't even get the option of being an option for a trial. Here's what happened: we watched a surprisingly well made video featuring the Chief Judge and met with the Clerk of Court, an incredibly polite gentleman who took us through what would happen over the course of the week. Apparently, July is a light month for jury trials in the county. There were only three cases set for the week and they couldn't be sure if the cases would actually go to trial. There was also a second jury pool that would be called for the week so they could take the spots on the actual jury instead of any of us. We were told we would all be going into the court for the one case being heard on the first day but it never happened. Between the clerk briefing us and lunch time, the case was either dismissed or settled without the need of a jury. We were let go for the day and told to check the jury site for our next report date.

I gathered my things and made my way back to work (like a good citizen). I was disappointed and I was the only one in the room that was disappointed. I'm 100% sure of that. I checked the jury site over the next few days and was told not to report. On Wednesday afternoon, I received an email from the jury coordinator:

"Your service is complete."

My jury duty had come to an end without ever seeing the inside of a courtroom. I didn't get to make jury summons room friends or find out if the security guard at the court entrance won her Fitbit fitness challenge for the week (because we Fitbit people always find each other). I fulfilled my service but didn't really do anything. My friends tried to convince me that I had fulfilled my duty and should be okay with what I did accomplish by simply showing up and being a good sport. I think they're wrong.

The one thing I truly accomplished was re-watching the show Conviction, a short-lived addition to the Law & Order universe. The show focused on a group of young Assistant District Attorneys (ADAs) headed up by Alexandra Cabot (Stephanie March), before her character fakes her death on SVU, and Jim Steele, played by a favorite actor of mine, Anson Mount. The show only lasted one season which in Law & Order terms is the equivalent of one minute. I was a fan when the show when it originally aired and was disappointed when it wasn't brought back for a second season. I don't really watch procedural dramas anymore; once Lenny Briscoe died (on the show and in real life), I just couldn't do it anymore. But this was for jury duty so I watched. My binge watching brought back the same unanswered questions I had way back in 2006 when the show originally aired:

• Are all ADAs incredibly attractive? Is there a section of the bar that rates attractiveness and somehow that impacts a lawyer's employability? Exhibit A:
  
  
  
• Did Jim Steele ever figure out which lady he really loved? Was it Bureau Chief Cabot, poised to marry another man and a few years away from faking her death on SVU? Or was it Jessica, ADA with amazing cheekbones and a super sassy attitude? How would this have impacted the larger Law & Order universe had it actually been resolved? Steele and Jessica would have had impossibly attractive children. 
• Does Erik Balfour ever look trustworthy? I can't recall any movie or tv show I've seen him on where he didn't look sweaty, shady, and like he has a secret family somewhere. Exhibit B:
• Would my jury service end in a hostage situation as the two part series finale ended? Would I be one of the people forced to stand in a window because the guy holding court hostage thought that meant the SWAT team wouldn't shoot? For the record: they always shoot.
• Why did the priest in the episode about the kid who stole money from the church poor box have an Irish accent in some scenes but not others? Did they think no one would notice?
• Did Finn and Peluso make it? There were an inordinate number of couples on this show who all worked together. Did none of them realize that dating at work is a poor, poor life choice? 
• Did rich boy turned ADA Nick Potter stay with the job or go back to being an insufferable rich person like everyone else in his family? I like to think he stayed.

I'll continue contemplating these questions while I wait for my next jury summons. I can be called again in the next three years or sooner if needed. Or it could be another 15 years before I'm called again (the time between my Hawaii summons and Virginia summons). Or never. I guess I can live with that.

Next week: It's Sharknado Week on the Island of Misfit Toys! During the week I'll repost my previous blogs on the first three Sharknado movies in anticipation of the premiere of Sharknado 4 on July 31st. I'll fulfill my other civic duty by watching the fourth movie so you don't have to. Check it out next week on the Island!

Someecards
Conviction cover
Conviction cast photo
Erik Balfour