Old Lady Concert Rules: Twirling, Twirling, Gone

Old Lady Concert Rule #15 (maybe): Keep your twirling to yourself!

It's been almost six years since I first put the Old Lady Concert rules to paper. Of course, by "paper" I mean I wrote an Island post about them. The rules have been modified, added to, and discussed at great lengths since that post. Most recently, I created a new rule for wearing the shirt of the band you're going to see after experiencing an entire city of people being that guy. I refer to this modification as "the Tim Rule" because my friend Tim asked about an exception and he deserves one. What I realized recently is that I've never addressed a very important topic in the Old Lady Concert rules: dancing.

I'm an awkward dancer. I took dance classes as a child and I was in the chorus in musicals, but neither one of those things equals confident dancer. I could blame lots of things for this particular awkward trait, but it comes down to self-confidence in my late teens and early twenties. I'm sure others can relate to this. As I've moved into my thirties (almost to my forties), I've decided I don't really care anymore and want to spend my remaining concert going years rocking out and dancing as awkwardly and exuberantly as I can. However, my dancing should not impede the enjoyment of others at any concert. This brings us to our newest Old Lady Concert Rule: Keep your twirling to yourself.

One of my favorite parts of going to concerts is people watching. This is particularly true when I go to shows featuring bands I'm not as interested in as my concert buddy. People watching gives me something to focus on when I don't know the words to the song or don't have a super emotional connection to what's going on. At shows I'm 100% into, it's a fun way to see how other fans of a band or musician I like react to the same music. Is there a lot of close-eyed swaying or toe-tapping? How many white dudes are doing their best to do something with their bodies that sort of resembles dancing, but also might resemble getting dressed in really tight clothing? Concerts are mini-communities and we all have our role to play in those communities. My decision to create a rule about dancing isn't about judgment or not wanting people to express their joy at a show; it's about being socially and situationally aware. Let's face it, an intense twirler can ruin a concert for everyone.

Let's break down my favorite concert dance forms. I freely admit to being many of these, despite my tendency to dance awkwardly in public. Sometimes, the music is in control and you have to let it be expressed through the muse of dance (thank you, Corky St. Clair).

• The Twirler: I went to Lilith Fair in 1997, so I'm no stranger to twirlers at concerts. I was also a little girl at one point in my life, and while I didn't love wearing dresses when I was younger, I did love to twirl. The fun of twirling really can't be put into words; if you've never twirled, stop reading and twirl around wherever you are for one minute. Don't you feel magical? I get it, sometimes the music is so much that you have to twirl. I want nothing more for you than to embrace your inner Stevie Nicks and twirl and twirl and twirl. Except when we're in a small, somewhat confined space, like say the 9:30 Club or most other small, bar venues. Twirling is probably the least ideal dance form in small spaces. Drink spillage alone could cost you hundreds of dollars if the people impacted want you to buy them a new drink. Or you twirl too much and hit someone right in the eye. Twirl with caution, which is probably a song on Stevie Nicks' next solo album.
• The White Dude Shuffle: White dudes dancing is one of my favorite things to watch at a concert. There are many levels to white dudes dancing, but the the White Dude Shuffle is by far the most expressive and fun to watch. The White Dude Shuffle is all about the arms and slight movement from the left foot to the right foot, but it's really about the arms and waist motions. I see this type of dancing at every type of show I go to; it's slightly out of sync with the rhythm of the song. The best White Dude Shuffle happens at punk and hard rock shows when a guy doesn't join the mosh pit melee, but still wants to groove. Nothing says concert entertainment more than a bunch of burly, heavily tattooeed white dudes shuffling to a Dropkick Murphys or Violent Femmes song. (Confession: This dude is my type. I can't help it. If he looks like the diner owner in season one of Stranger Things, I'm done.) The one thing to watch out for is eye closing; for whatever reason, a lot of eye closing happens with the White Dude Shuffle. This could be bad for you if they shuffle too intensely because it could quickly devolve into elbowing and then you're attending a hockey game you didn't want to attend.
• The Swayer: My brother is a swayer. A swayer is a person who sways in time to a song. Swayers are the most unobtrusive concert dancers; they have virtually no impact on anyone else; most of us are a swayer at some point in our concert-going life. Swaying is easiest when you attend a show where you don't have any vested interest in the band because you're involved, but not heavily involved. Where the Swayer becomes problematic is when he or she (I'm sometimes a swayer) gets so into the swaying that they dance dangerously close to the line of twirling. If you see a swayer moving past their personal space, hold your drink and prepare for modified twirl.
• The Air Guitarist/Drummer: When I went to see AC/DC two years ago with my brother, Dave Grohl was in attendance. Dave is from NOVA and is a huge AC/DC fan so it made sense that he'd pick this show to attend. We were directly across the arena from him. This meant we could see a blurry Dave Grohl the entire night. He did what I thought he might do for much of the concert: he air drummed. Air drumming and its cousin, air guitar playing, are a lot like twirling in that they can take up a lot of space and possibly cause injury if no one is paying attention. Both of these activities can be great if a person is at a seated show because they only have some much in which to rock out.
• The Rock Chick from a 1980s Video: Bless the 1980s rock video. Most of these videos have very formulaic plots, and almost all of them involve one "hot" girl dancing for extended shots, usually on the hood of a car. Enjoy Whitesnake's "Here I Go Again" if you've never experienced this type of video. Big hair, big boobs, either super tight clothes or flow-y dresses, high heels; these are the signs of this type of concert dancer. These ladies have mastered the fine art of being able to dance to anything. They're why metal fans complained about Def Leppard and bands like Whitesnake, but continued to attend concerts. Dudes were conflicted about how much a band could truly rock if girls could dance to the music (said in a way more colorful way). If you ever need a good pep talk, say one of two things to yourself: "Have the confidence of an average white male" or "Own a room like a 1980s Rock Chick." Both are surprisingly helpful.
• The Headbangers: My brother often leaves his swaying behind and headbangs during very specific concerts or songs. Take him to a Metallica show and it's headbanging all the way. Metal bands tend to have the most dedicated of headbangers; the fast-paced, heavy music is designed for this type of enjoyment. It takes no actual skill, but a strong attachment to the rhythm and feeling of the music. Headbangers have a gentler cousin, who resembles a bobble head figure, and is usually present at rock shows. Do long-time headbangers have neck problems?
• The Music Feeler: At every show I attend, there is at least one person who is feeling the music so deeply that their body takes over and does whatever it wants to do. It could be a combination of every other dancing type listed or it could be something completely unique. At the Violent Femmes/Echo & the Bunnymen show on Wednesday at the Anthem, there was a couple in front of me that both were part of this category. During the Echo set, they had a ton of real estate to themselves and were just feeling it. For the woman, it manifested as a lot of twirling and intense swaying. She was also into the moves of a nearby 80s Rock Chick. The guy was a combo of a swayer, a twirler (yes, dudes can twirl), and a shuffler. Some people go to church, others go to rock shows.
• The Self-Contained Mosh Pit Guy: A mosh pit is a thing of beauty when viewed from several hundred feet above or from the way, way back of a club. I've been to many shows in my life that involved pits, but have always stayed outside of them for many reasons. The pit can be a violent place, intentionally or unintentionally, and is a culture unto itself. This is not about the mosh pit; it's about that one guy (and it's usually a guy) who creates his own one person pit right next to you during a show. This is a guy who employs his pit moves, like shuffling (which can be a thing in the pit), body slamming, and jumping for himself only. I feel some of these guys want you to join in and others just don't know any other way to express themselves physically when attending a show so they default to the pit behavior they're used to. My reaction to a self-contained mosh pit guy is to shove him back and protect my space at all costs. Elbows out, friends.
• The "Dance With Me" Couple: This has the potential to be the saddest dancing at a show or will end up being something out of an amateur porn film you don't want to watch. The woman in the couple always wants to dance. She tries everything to get the guy to dance with her. In the sad version, he completely ignores her or continually pushes her off, and continues his swaying (he's usually a swayer) until she gets so mad she storms off. Or they get into a fight in the middle of the show. In the porn-lite version, he gets into it and the girl becomes an 80s Rock Chick and he's the car hood. Neither is particularly fun to witness.

I want everyone to enjoy every show they go to. Every time I watch a person dance at a concert, I know in my heart that they are living their best possible lives at that exact moment. Sometimes the behavior awakens my inner Old Lady Concertgoer and I have to work hard at getting her to calm it down. Other times, it makes me joyful and warms a part of my cynical heart. My rule is in place to help us all be the best rock and roll citizens we can be. If we can all work together to be good rock and roll citizens, there's nothing we can't do.

Coming this August: Beer festival shenanigans at a prison, we discuss counter-protesting and the fact that no one should have to have "confronted a Nazi" as something they need to do in 2018, and a random Lazy Movie Weekend will appear.