When Can I Stop Screaming Inside My Heart?

I had to take my car in for an oil change and for an issue with the AC (as we move into day 18 of 90+ degree weather in the DMV). I didn't really want to do this, but I also don't want to buy a new car right now, so it's best to take care of my car when I can. Of course, AC services are no longer available even though it's on the website. Always call first. But I digress. I was sitting in the waiting area wearing a mask (plain pink cotton, not super cute, but super efficient) waiting for them to finish the oil change, when another woman came in to wait for her car. The waiting area was set up for social distancing, so we were well over 6 feet apart. She was wearing one of those bandanna-style masks that make people look like old West train robbers. I really need to get one of those. 

She said hello to me, which I didn't expect, and then asked if I'd been to this place before. It was my first time as well; I mentioned I moved to this side of town "recently," but had heard good things about this place. She was quiet for a few minutes, then proceeded to ask me if I was married, if my non-existent husband was in the military, and if that non-existent husband happened to be the man in the white SUV who arrived in front of both of us. I politely answered no to all of these questions and wished her a good day, signaling that I was done with our conversation. She gave me a look that could only mean "I don't understand why you're annoyed with such questions; a woman your age should be married with babies and stuff." She was by herself, but heaven forbid, a woman younger than herself be unaccompanied in public. 

I tell you this not to share my annoyance with the woman, although I was annoyed, but to say that she could still be herself while wearing a mask. We would have had this conversation if the mask mandate here in Virginia didn't exist or if we weren't in the middle of a global pandemic because this is the kind of conversation that happens to me all the time when I'm around women I don't know in a public place. I've been asked this question at the dentist, the bank, restaurants, while waiting at the salon for a haircut, and at the grocery store. Even if I was married, why would I bring my husband to the grocery store with me? That sounds terrible; he'd inevitably put things in the cart incorrectly or bag groceries like a crazy person with no respect for order. It's always an older woman, sometimes a few years older, sometimes a few decades older. She's always by herself or with a friend, never with a husband or man-friend, although she always has one. I know this because she always tells me about how wonderful her husband/man-friend is and that I should really find one for myself. Thank you, random woman for the advice. I'll get right on that. (Spoiler: I will not get right on that.)

Anyway, the point of this is not about random conversations with strangers but about the mask. The point is that this woman was wearing a mask, and was completely comfortable asking me questions that were none of her business while we both experienced a public space while wearing masks. Her right to be a busy body was in no way obstructed by her wearing a mask. My right to completely disengage was also not obstructed. In fact, it was probably easier to do so because I didn't have to waste energy fake smiling. Fake smiling takes so much more energy than it's worth. 

I hate that wearing a mask has become some sort of political statement. There is literally nothing political about wearing a mask right now. Mask usage has been promoted as a best practice, at varying levels, since the beginning of the pandemic. I started wearing a mask at the end of March, and now have quite the collection of them, including a cat one and a Detroit Tigers one. Wearing a mask reduces the spread of viruses, not just COVID-19, by putting a barrier between you and others, while still allowing us to be out in public. The CDC, WHO, Johns Hopkins, and hundreds, maybe even thousands, of other legitimate medical journals, hospitals, and experts have shown the effects of mask usage in stopping the spread of COVID-19. Countries who have slowed the spread, and even returned to mostly normal life, can credit mask usage among the reasons. It's science.

So why is it so hard for some Americans to wear a mask? I would love nothing more than to lay the blame at the feet of the 45, but it's not entirely his fault. It's mostly his fault, but not entirely. Since this is my blog, I get to share my observations and theories about things, so that's what this is. I have no scientific proof to back what I'm about to say, but I hope one day, someone way smarter than me, will do a study on this and prove my theory. 

From a very young age, particularly in the US, we're told we can be anything we want to be. We can be successful and make a life for ourselves in this grand experiment called America. If we work hard and do the things, we'll be able to own a home and/or a car, have a fulfilling job or maybe even open our business. We can exercise our right to vote, and also have a right to voice our opposition to those in power if we disagree. Democracy is cool! Capitalism is awesome! This is the story most of us have been told since we were young. For those who come to the US as immigrants, I'm sure some version of this story is told, but with limitations, especially if you're not white. You can still come here, and do the thing, but it's going to be harder and more limited and people are probably going to be assholes. That's the adjacent story. (NOTE: This is a gross simplification of the immigrant experience and the experience of any person of color. I am aware of this; it's not my intention to be disrespectful or dismissive about anyone's experience.) 

So a global pandemic hits. We're told that we "have to" stay home and wear masks when we go out in public. Kids can't go to school because we don't know much about this virus and it could be hard to contain with kids going to school. Lots of jobs move to remote work setups because they can; many more people continue to go to physical work locations because they're essential and have to be there in person. Hospitals fill up. People are scared. There's no national response; states have to figure it out on their own. States, like mine, who put mask orders in place early and moved through reopening phases carefully, see the numbers decrease in positive ways, although we're seeing spikes again because people are being stupid. Other states, do the bare minimum, and their cases skyrocket. They reopen too fast and it's more damaging. People start throwing "COVID parties" to prove the virus exists. I guess 130K+ dead isn't proof enough. 

All of this is to say, people don't want to wear masks because they're no longer controlling anything else about their lives. Mask usage is the most physical and personal thing we're being asked to do after staying home. It requires us to wear something that identifies the fact that a virus exists and that it can do serious harm. A mask says, "I care about you, my community, my family, myself." We're not used to such bold statements of humanity in the US...at least not since November 9, 2016. Every new video featuring another person throwing a tantrum/being horrible in a public place because they're asked to wear a mask is less about the tantrum and more about fear and loss of control. It's hard to all of the sudden be powerless when you're used to getting your way or always being "right." When I watch these videos or read about another "white woman in the wild," I react in three ways: 

1. I feel terrible for the people, usually a cashier or store manager or a dude walking in his neighborhood or a mom in a parking lot with her kid, who have to deal with this person. I physically want to reach through the screen and do something to help the person being yelled at. I want to punch the person causing the problem in the throat.
2. I'm angry at the person causing the problem because I don't understand why being asked to abide by the rules of an establishment you chose to frequent immediately means you have to become violent and hateful. A store or coffee shop or other place of business is private property. You have to follow the rules of the property owner if you want to be there. That's how a civil society works. 
3. I feel sorry for the person throwing the tantrum because all I see in their face is fear (even through the hate and anger), and I think about how awful it must feel to have that much fear over something mundane, like wearing a mask. And I wonder if they've ever experienced actual fear or if this is performative. And then I spiral into thinking about all the "think pieces" written about people who voted for the 45 being scared about their way of life being threatened (translation: they don't get to be hateful people anymore), and I'm back to being angry almost immediately.

It must be exhausting to be that hateful and full of fear all the time. Imagine getting angry at a sign in a store window that says "Masks only" or "Masks required." I'm exhausted listening to these types of people on social media and the rare times I do go out in public. If we don't continue to do the simple things like wearing a mask, social distancing, and washing our hands, AND the big things like staying home as much as possible, we'll never get to do anything again. Your kids will be home in the fall. Concerts, theatre, sporting events - not for you! I hate that we have become a living example of why we can't have nice things. 

If you can't be motivated by simply being kind and caring about others, wear a mask so we can do things again. You want to go on vacation? Wear a mask. You want your kids to go back to school in the fall? Wear a mask. You want to go to a baseball or football game? Wear a mask. Wear a mask and you'll get to do things again. You don't get to be hateful and racist; we're still going to call you out on that behavior, but you'll be able to go places again and return to whatever normal means these days. If this has to turn into the country-wide equivalent of pizza parties for finishing summer reading, I'll support this movement 100%.

Wear a damn mask so I can stop screaming inside my heart.

 

Stay safe. Wear your mask. Wash your hands. Be nice to one another. Vote. Black Lives Matter.