I don't know if you know this

I had a boss back in college at one of the theatres I worked at who had a horrible habit of saying two really stupid things all the time. He said both with such regularity it sort of negated the fact that he was generally a nice human being. We worked with the theatre donors so when they would call and ask for something he would often reply, "I'll get my gal, Erin, on that." or some variation of  "my gal, Erin" will help you. I'm sure this had less to do with me and more to do with his own confidence level in dealing with rich people, but it still annoyed me. I told him so and eventually, he stopped...at least when I was in the room.

He also had a habit of starting sentences with "I don't know if you know this" and then proceeding to tell me or whoever else something that we obviously knew. I would love to believe he meant this in a helpful way, but honestly, when has starting a sentence with "I don't know if you know this" ever been a good idea? Every time this phrase is used in a sentence, my mind immediately says "This person is an asshole. Stop listening and do something better with your time." It's the phrase equivalent of men explaining things to me except that everyone does this. It's a phrase that inspires Hulk-level rage.

Interestingly, this phrase kept coming back to me over and over again last weekend and throughout this week as I listened to the news and started preparing for a workshop on public speaking I'm delivering this month. Part of the workshop covers transitional phrases and words that might discredit you as a speaker (think "just" and "I think"). "I don't know if you know this" would definitely fall into the latter category. There's also a section on tone of voice which got me thinking, are there any instances when "I don't know if you know this" is an acceptable phrase to include in a conversation? Could there be a way to say this and not come off as a complete jerk? I thought (or overthought) about this over the week and came up with five possible times in which "I don't know if you know this" is acceptable. I started with three and was able, over the course of the week, to add two more. I feel accomplished. I like it when I can add to a list.

1. The School House Rock: "I don't know if you know this, but Twitter is not the law of the land." This use of the phrase could be helpful when addressing anyone involved in the current administration or supporters of said administration's policies when "policies" and "laws" get announced on Twitter. A related use would be "I don't know if you know, but the Constitution is the law of the land. Simply tweeting out a policy on Twitter doesn't make it a law. That's not how it works." You could continue with a discussion of how local and state laws are made. If you're feeling really fun and carefree, go ahead and belt out "I'm Just a Bill" to help reinforce the learning.
2. The Julia Sugarbaker: "I don't know if you this, but your dress is stuck in your pantyhose." Designing Women was a gift to this world. If you didn't grow up in the late 1980s when this show originally began airing, you should do yourself a favor and find it on Lifetime so you can watch it in all its 1980s Southern lady glory. Julia Sugarbaker was played by the wonderful Dixie Carter. Julia owned an interior design firm staffed by her sister Suzanne (Delta Burke), Mary Jo (Annie Potts), Charlene (Jean Smart), and Anthony (Meshach Taylor). Julia was the epitome of classy Atlanta lady and was famous for her cutting remarks, impeccable taste, and loyalty. Julia would rock "I don't know if you know this" in both a helpful way (letting a woman know her backside is showing in public) and in a cutting but always graceful way as displayed in my all-time favorite Julia Sugarbaker moment of the show the episode, "The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia." Her dressing down of the current Miss Georgia is a master class of how to use this phrase in a way that is both classy and catty. It is genius. 
3. The Geography/Civics Teacher: "I don't know if you know this, but Puerto Rico is a US territory. More Americans live in Puerto Rico than 21 US states." Hurricane Maria has caused absolute devastation in Puerto Rico and the US Virgin Islands. Watching the aftermath of all of the recent hurricanes has taken me back to Katrina and it's rough. Even worse, is the absolute lack of concern the 45 has shown for the people of Puerto Rico which is a US territory and most of its residents are US citizens. From the slow response to the insane comments about how "great" the relief efforts are going, he has done everything imaginable to make this situation worse. This shouldn't be about politics, but it clearly is. This is a clearly a president who doesn't know what he's doing and has a visible dislike of people of color. You can argue this with me if you want, but you won't win. If you can help in any of the relief efforts, please do. 
4. The Teacher at the End of a Quarter: "I don't know if you know this, but we're out of bacon, chocolate and wine." This particular use of the phrase was inspired by one of teacher friends who reminded me how awful the end of a quarter or testing period can be. I remember my first year teaching and how stressed I was trying to get everything done. I think I subsisted on Cheez-its, wine, and cereal because I couldn't bring myself to go to the store and my budget didn't allow for takeout every day. The use of this version of "I don't know if you know this" is particularly useful if you're married or have a significant other or roommate who will remedy the lack of bacon, chocolate, and wine. I guess you could order all of those things online, but it feels better when someone does something nice for you. Be nice to teachers and treat them well.
5. The Drinking Wine is More Fun: "I don't know if you know this, but you can drink wine and save the corks for art projects." I was at Target this morning buying cleaning supplies and a bag of mellowcreme pumpkins when I stumbled upon a box of wine corks to use for decorative purposes. Honestly, why would you buy a box of wine corks? I get it, it takes a long time to save enough wine corks to make most art projects. I look at this as a delightful challenge not a reason to go to Target and spend $10 on a box of corks. I'd rather invest that $10 in a bottle of wine. "But Erin, I don't drink." Then you shouldn't be using wine corks for decorative purposes. Find something else to use like pipe cleaners and mason jars.

I don't know, maybe these still make me sound like an asshole. What I do know is that I now have my new life mantra figured out: When in doubt, channel Julia Sugarbaker.