Saturday, January 28, 2017

You're Doing Everything Wrong: Procedural Drama Edition

I thought we'd end January on a pop culture note. What better way to mindlessly check out for a as long as it takes you to read this than to talk about procedural dramas? How many of you are settling in for a whole Saturday (or weekend) of watching Law & Order: SVU or NCIS reruns during a USA network marathon? You don't have to answer but always remember: I would never, ever judge you for that. Ever.

I was a huge procedural drama fan when I was younger (say 8th-11th grades, followed by right after college). Give me an episode of L.A. Law, the Mike Logan years of Law & Order, Law & Order: Criminal Intent, or even old school Hill Street Blues and I will be a happy person. My early love of these shows came from the fact that in my early high school years I really wanted to be a criminologist. I thought that was a cool sounding job and I read everything I could about being one. I even got to interview an FBI criminologist who went to our church for a school project. Somewhere between developing my crush on Mike Logan and getting the high school theatre bug, I slowed down on my viewing and my career goal. Later on, when I was working as an admissions counselor at Loyola, I would realize that like every teenager who came to my table at a college fair asking about our forensic chemistry program because they wanted to be a "CSI," I really didn't have the heart for the science part of this world. I know I chose the right path.

Another quality of procedural dramas have that I admire is the structure of the show. Much like a Hallmark holiday movie, there's a certain formula to procedurals. Law & Order (the whole franchise except Conviction) is a perfect example of clear structure: the police detectives (Law) have approximately 22 minutes to track the clues, interview witnesses, and find a suspect, all while smirking a bit and talking unlike any police detective you might actually know. If we're lucky, a suspect will run so Logan has to chase him and we get a little extra drama. Then the district attorneys (Order) have another 22 minutes to criticize police work, question witnesses, deal with slimy (mostly) defense attorneys, and have perfect hair. I'm sold especially if it involves a young Chris Noth (pre-Mr. Big), Jerry Orbach, Sam Waterston, and S. Epatha Merkerson.

If you move away from the highly structured universe of the Law & Order shows, procedural dramas are still structured in a way that most scripted television is not: bad guy/girl commits a crime, detectives/CSI/NCIS/FBI agents follow the clues, lawyers do lawyer-y things, and the case is solved. There can be completely shocking and awful and gruesome moments on these shows but even those moments fit within the very defined structure of the universe of whichever show you're watching. Key characters die (I'm looking at you, Lenny Briscoe), serial killers get away (the Miniature Killer on CSI is one of my favorite continuous plots), but there's nothing compared to many of the fantasy/sci-fi shows that are so popular now. No dragon swoops in and carries off Gil Grissom in any episode of CSI. No zombies chase the Criminal Minds agents through Mardi Gras while they track a killer. (Seriously, they tracked a killer in New Orleans once and it looked like it was Mardi Gras the entire episode and there was a New Orleans-y cop who really had more of a Cajun accent. I don't understand either.) Procedural dramas are completely grounded in reality regardless of the fact that a crime is solved (usually) in 44 minutes or less (an hour long tv show is actually only 44-45 minutes in length because of commercial breaks).

That's probably the other joy of a procedural drama: crime solving is super easy on these shows. We all know there is no way that any crime is going to be solved in 44 minutes or less UNLESS the criminal wrote a big "I did it" note for us to find. In theory, the episode is taking place over the course of a few days but it's always a little hard to tell since no one ever seems to go home and they all keep extra clothes in their lockers so how would you know the actual passage of time? On all of these shows, the very attractive cast finds the clues, uses really advanced technology and science, and occasionally they even have to do experiments to recreate conditions for things like decomposition or something else involving a fetal pig. It's almost always perfect; there's usually one episode a season where evidence is compromised and science is questioned but it always works out in the end. Grissom always figures something out to prove he's the best. I've never been able to figure out the wardrobe and styling on these shows; the women always look somewhere in the middle of casual Friday and business casual and the men are either completely suited up or look like they're heading to a club later. And everyone has perfect hair. Even when they're waist deep in a dumpster looking for clues, their hair is perfect and shiny.


I stopped watching procedural dramas in 2006 and it's all Tim Curry's fault. He started a two episode story arc on Criminal Minds at the end of the 2005 season. He played a serial killer who used a blackout to sneak into the homes of his victims and then kill them. Eventually, he would kidnap the daughter of one of the agents but it's in his first crimes that I completely could not deal with these shows anymore. He waited for his victims to do something like leave a window open a little bit or leave the front door open to go back to get something from the car to sneak into their home to kill them. He also hid in the shower in one part of the show. It was so simple: everyone closes their shower curtain when they leave the house. You wouldn't notice anything amiss because you closed the curtain. It creeped me out so much that I now leave the shower curtain open whenever I leave the house. This was the man who brought the most terrifying clown ever, Pennywise, to life. Now he's playing a serial killer who sneaks into someone's shower? I cannot do this anymore.


I didn't need procedural dramas. I had Gilmore Girls and RuPaul's Drag Race and Project Runway and Face/Off. Eventually I would start hate-watching Girls and Vinyl. Then Westworld would enter my life. And God bless Ryan Murphy and American Horror Story (except seasons 2 and 6). The only exception to this rule is NCIS reruns. My dad is a big fan so I tend to watch it with him when I'm over and I can't help but watch a marathon every now and then on USA. It's not the same level of creepy that the other shows fall into and who doesn't love Mark Harmon? I replaced procedurals with fast dialogue, pop culture references, and drag queens. If television watching is a game, I believe I'm winning.

Then I moved. Here's what happens when I move: I can't help myself with unpacking. I need to get as much done in the immediate 2-3 days after moving into a new place as I possibly can. I don't like boxes hanging around. I don't like not having my stuff where it belongs. I want to be settled in as quickly as possible. I used to listen to music while unpacking but with this move, for whatever reason, music wasn't helping with my unpacking. I didn't want to watch a new show in Netflix (of which I have many in my queue) and I've been slowly re-watching Gilmore Girls again but that's more of an after work "I need me time" kind of show. I happened to find a CSI marathon on the Esquire Network (yes, it's both a magazine and a tv network). The episodes were from the Grissom years (the only years that matter on this show) so I kept it on in the background as I unpacked my kitchen and my books and organized my closet. I remembered many of the episodes from when I originally watched the show and even some of the creepier ones didn't have the same effect on me now as they did when they originally aired. I didn't stop watching the mini-marathons on Esquire or WE Network (both show it during the week). Since moving into my new place, I come home from work and watch an episode or two while I make dinner and decompress from my day.

Then it dawned on me: I've been doing everything wrong when it comes to procedural dramas. The only way to watch them is to binge watch. On general principle, I don't binge watch television shows (Stranger Things and the Gilmore Girls revival being recent exceptions) because I like the idea of a show unfolding over time. That's the way I grew up watching tv shows since we didn't have DVRs or Netflix. I had to wait week after week to see what would happen next. Cliffhanger season finales were the best and worst thing to happen. Coming back to CSI and watching multiple episodes in one sitting has given me a new perspective on the procedural drama. I don't focus so much on the crimes occurring but the personalities and the interactions between the main cast. Sure, the crime they're investigating could be super gross (like the body soup in a bag in desert) or weird (the furry convention episode or the vampire/werewolf convention murder) or totally creepy (the Miniature Killer or the episode with the judge who might be planning to kill Grissom) or bizarre and a little funny (Lady Heather in the original few episodes she was in) but it all sort of blends together in one sitting.

I also know stuff about this show (like Sarah and Grissom are a thing or Warrick has a gambling problem that will eventually lead to his death) so I can watch for those plot lines in a way I didn't when I originally watched the show one episode at a time. Back then, it was about the grisly crime and the amped up science not so much about the characters. Now, I sit back and wait for a a joke about the case and some awkward interactions between at least two of the characters (because they're all so awkward) and I'm set. I count the number of times any of the women wear clothing that might be deemed inappropriate for the line of work they're in (mostly Catherine but it makes sense in the larger world of the show) and I wonder if poor Nick ever decided to get a dog because he always seemed so lonely. And the side characters? The police detectives and the lab techs; they're all so good. I still think there should be a Lady Heather/Gil Grissom spinoff show. I have no idea what it would be about but I'd watch it.


Thank you original CSI cast for your perfect hair, mildly inappropriate wardrobes, and awkward interactions. You've helped me see the error of my ways when it comes to procedural dramas. It's not about watching over time but watching in bulk. It's not really about the gruesome crime but the people solving said crime. Thank you for helping me to stop doing everything wrong.


Coming in February: Stuff I Love is coming back! This February, each weekend's post will focus on something I love in honor of the month of love.

Law & Order image
Grissom
Catherine Willows
Tim Curry meme 
CSI cast

Sunday, January 22, 2017

This is what democracy looks like

This is what I know is true:
  • I am a patriot.
  • I will not "get over" the fact that Donald Trump is now the President. 
  • I can respect the Office of the President but not the President.
  • I will not be silenced because my beliefs are different from yours or unpopular (they're not by the way) or uncomfortable.
  • I will listen to those who I disagree with and who disagree with me. I will do so with respect.
  • I expect the same level of respect when I share my beliefs with them.
  • I will always question our leaders, at every level of government, on the policies and laws they make.
  • I will be an ally for those who need it.
  • I will not go quietly into the night.
  • I will protest and march and rally and organize and work and work some more. 
As I wrote during the election cycle and have written before, participation is a key element to being a citizen. We have both enormous privilege and responsibility in the way our government works. What often happens is that we forget this. We get wrapped up in the idea that our voice doesn't matter, that no one is listening, that we cannot make change. I disagree. It's not easy for any of those things to happen but they are happening everyday.

I marched in the Women's March on Washington yesterday with approximately 500,000 people who have to believe in the idea that our voice matter. There were 673 sister marches around the world (including all 50 states). An estimated 4 million people marched yesterday in these marches. That is not a small number. If none of us believed that our voices matter, no one would have shown up. Every person came to the march for a different reason; search the hashtag #whyimarch on any social media site and you'll get thousands of results. You might notice a theme after reading through these posts; I certainly did. People marched because they do not want to see their rights taken away. Healthcare, education, gun control, environmental policy, immigrant rights, religious freedom, gay rights, civil rights - all of these things are at risk in the new administration.

I planned on marching since I heard the event was being organized. I believe in affordable, accessible healthcare. I believe women have the right to decide what happens with their bodies. I believe abortion should be legal. I believe Planned Parenthood is an essential part of healthcare options, particularly for women in poverty, for things beyond birth control and abortions. I believe women and girls should not have to fear reporting rape or abuse. I believe men play an important role in feminism. I want the women and girls in my life to know that they can do anything they want. I believe women's rights are human rights. That is why I marched yesterday.

Yesterday was exhilarating, exciting, overwhelming, and exhausting (in a good way). I've participated in smaller protests before and I was a volunteer for the 2009 Inauguration but none of those events prepared me for yesterday. While there were more people in 2009, we didn't feel as closely packed in as yesterday. There was an energy of friendliness that I have never experienced at a march. Where people angry? Yes, but their anger was not towards one another. I saw everyone from little babies with their parents to grandmas with three generations of women from their family to college and high school age participants. There were 60s radicals who really never thought they'd have to be back in Washington again protesting for women's rights. There were people participating in their first march. There were men of all ages marching with the women in their lives or marching together to show solidarity and respect. People came from all over the country to join the march.

I planned to march whether I had a group or not. I lucked out in having an awesome group of ladies to march with: Jordana, her friend Jess, and Janice, a friend from high school who I haven't seen in twenty years. She lives in Ohio now and posted on Facebook last week that she needed a group to march with yesterday. I volunteered our group and away we went. Another friend, Emily, and two of her friends were supposed to meet us but given the logistics and enormity of the crowd, we never connected.

Our plan originally included using Metro but that quickly changed into taking Uber into the city and later a taxi home. The crowds and Metro's ability to not be able to get their shit together started early in the morning and would continue throughout the day. The lines to get into stations were crazy. Thank you to all the Metro workers and Uber and taxi drivers who worked yesterday. Y'all are heroes.

The first thing we saw as we got closer to the start of the rally was the people. It was a sea of pink hats and signs as far as the eye could see. By the midpoint of the rally, the crowd would stretch from 3rd Street SW to 14th Street SW. It would stretch further later and actually make it incredibly difficult to march. We abandoned trying to meet up with Emily and her group since navigating the crowd was becoming harder. We found a little patch of sidewalk near the Hirshhorn at 7th and Independence near one of the screens so we had a great view of the speakers and performers for the rally. Our immediate rally neighbors were super nice; one group was from Ohio. We also had a great view of some protest signs.



The rally began with this song. It was a beautiful start to the morning. From there, the march co-chairs and representatives from groups like Planned Parenthood, Rise, Mothers of the Movement,  and the NAACP spoke about the importance of the movement and the march. Activists, writers, and actors also made their way to the podium (including Michael Moore). My hero, Gloria Steinem, spoke and it was one of my favorite parts of the day. One of my favorite parts of her speech was this: "Pressing send does not allow us to empathize with other people. ... If you hold a baby you’re flooded with empathy. If you see somebody in an accident you want to help them. I love books, but doesn’t happen from a book. It doesn’t happen from a screen. It only happens when we’re together.” Michael Moore gave everyone a to-do list of things we need to do to continue the momentum of the march. He was cut off by Ashley Judd, in possibly the greatest performance of the march. She read Nina Donovan's poem "Nasty Woman" and it was more amazing than I can describe to you; just watch it.

 

There were an abundance of speakers at the rally. If I had one criticism of the march it would be that the rally was too long. I appreciated hearing different voices and perspectives but at some point, it felt like we were losing the momentum of the crowd. I wish organizers had listened to the crowd when we started chanting "March! March! March!" but I also understand why they continued. People started marching even before surprise guests Alicia Keys and Madonna began performing. I would have stopped at Alicia singing "Girl on Fire" and let us go but I get why they didn't. My second favorite moment of the rally was listening to Sophie Cruz address the crowd. Don't know Sophie Cruz? Sophie is the girl who wanted to talk to Pope Francis when he visited the US about her parents, both undocumented, and how she didn't want them to be taken away. She eventually spoke to him and has become an activist in the way that six year olds can be - amazing. Watching her brought tears to my eyes. She shared a message of hope and determination. We can learn from Sophie.

And then we marched...sort of. The crowd grew so large that the march route was blocked by marchers. It took a long time for us to get moving but eventually we did. We walked as far up Independence Avenue as we could, eventually cutting over to the Mall and walking to the Washington Monument. We weren't on the march route at that point but eventually caught up with it on Constitution Avenue and joined all the way to the Ellipse and the White House. We split off and rejoined the march on Pennsylvania Avenue before looping back to Constitution to head home. It was almost 5 pm by the time we did that and people were still marching and setting up protests outside of the White House. We could hear chants of "We will not go away/Welcome to your first day" and "What does democracy look like/This is what democracy looks like" even as we hopped in a taxi to go back to Virginia. It was in a word, amazing.


As I was driving Janice and Jordana home, we talked about what our favorite parts of the day were. For me, it was that people showed up. Months ago when Teresa Shook first posted on Facebook that this should happen, no one could predict that it actually would. Just because people say they're going to do something doesn't actually mean they will. But people showed up. They came from all over to be here yesterday. We marched peacefully. We used our voices. And now the work begins. So many of the speakers yesterday talked about that: getting to work. We can follow Michael Moore's to-do list or we can create our own. I know I've already created mine and will be sharing my to-dos in future posts. A march is not a movement. It is one step towards change. I hope that the people who marched yesterday here in DC and around the world continue forward to the next step and the next.

Thank you to the march organizers and volunteers. We would not have been able to be there without all of your hard work. Thank you to Teresa Shook for having this idea and being there yesterday to share in it with us. Thank you to the speakers and performers. Thank you to the police, first responders, and all others involved in keeping the march safe. You are amazing. Thank you to those who helped get us there - especially our Uber and taxi drivers.

A special thank you to Kirsten, a woman from New York, who made the pussyhat I wore yesterday. You were here yesterday too. And thank you to the three random ladies Jordana and I met in the parking lot at the Shirlington Harris Teeter who gave us the hats for our group.


I'm thankful I got to march with Jordana, Jess, and Janice and all of the other marchers yesterday here and around world. Many of my friends and family couldn't be there yesterday so I made little stickers with their names and wore them close to my heart while marching. Here's a little video of them on the march:





All photos and two videos by me

Saturday, January 14, 2017

The Sixth Annual Answer Your Cat's Questions Day or Why I'm Still Single (probably)

There are fewer things truer than the fact that y'all love Pumpkin. I get it; she's adorable, she's equal parts cuddly and affectionate AND throws shade like she took a master class from RuPaul, and she's hilarious. As I've said before, if Pumpkin were a person she'd be Gretchen Wieners from Mean Girls.


So much cuteness. So much sass. Some days, it's overwhelming to live with such a creature. As has been the practice here on the Island for the past five years, I like to pause every January and let Pumpkin ask me whatever compelling questions she has in celebration of Answer Your Cat's Questions Day. I don't make up these holidays, I simply provide the information you need to move forward in your life and celebrate said holidays. Normally, we'd be celebrating next week but I'll be at the Women's March on Washington so I'm moving this up a week.With that, we begin this year's questions.
  1. Where is my heater? Why is it gone? I don't understand. Well, little one, we moved to a brand new apartment that was built after 1965 so we don't have an ancient heating/air conditioning system. I know you really enjoyed laying on the radiator but we don't have one anymore. What we do have is the cable box (your second favorite place for napping), two huge windows, and a brand new scratch post. The closet is also huge so have fun hiding in there when you're feeling antisocial.
  2. Why does everything smell so new? Where did our house smell go? We've only been in our new apartment for a week and it was renovated right before we moved in so it definitely smells like fresh paint, new appliances, and brand new carpet. I know you've been trying really hard to rub your little face on everything since you arrived last Saturday but it takes time to make everything I own yours again. In between napping for 18 hours, sitting on my lap, and eating, I'm sure you'll get to everything by the end of the month. Even the new stuff I had to buy because new apartment = obligatory trip to Ikea.
  3. What is that noise? Where the hell are we? Paris? When did you watch Spaceballs? Are you changing your sense of humor to align more closely with Mel Brooks? I always thought your sense of humor was more of a feline version of Daria. That sound is what humans call a fire alarm. I don't know if someone pulled the alarm or if it went off for a real reason, but sometimes fire alarms go off and our job is to bundle up, get you in the carrier, and evacuate. Hopefully, it's warmer than 20 degrees and the fire department shows up promptly. 
  4. So I "understand" that we moved so I'll move on to more pressing matters. Did you keep my box? I really liked that box. Which box would that be? I feel like you were attached to multiple boxes during the move. Was that the one you sat in on occasion or the one where you sort of looked like either Gmork from The Neverending Story or like a boss telling an employee some bad news? Also, when did you learn about air quotes? I don't remember teaching you about air quotes. Side eye, yes. Air quotes, no. I know you love boxes but we really can't have them around forever. Most have been recycled and the rest are waiting on our little balcony to be recycled when I feel less lazy and like I want to carry more boxes downstairs. Or we get our fancy concierge trash service recycling box. Yes, that's a thing.
  5. Current events question: Now that Joe Biden is no longer the Vice President, do you think he'll be friends with us? He's my favorite. That is a really great question! He is a national treasure and we need to do everything we can to become friends with him. I don't know that our favorite VP will be in DC much once he leaves office. I have it on good authority that he'll be setting up shop at the University of Pennsylvania doing good things and carrying on his work in cancer research and generally being awesome. Lucky for us, we have an in at Penn so we might just get a picture of him from time to time. If you need a Joe Biden fix, we can re-watch the surprise Medal of Freedom ceremony from earlier this week. We're not crying, not crying at all. 
  6. You realize when I said "us" in the above question, I really meant me? You fully embrace your status as an old lady cat by being just a little mean every day don't you? Here's the thing: You're a cat. It'll be much easier for me to meet Joe Biden than you. You should be nice to me and I'll consider putting in a good word for you.
  7. When are the flannel sheets coming back? You learned about flannel sheets last year during the blizzard. I agree we need to bust them back out this week as it's supposed to be cold again. You've been doing a pretty good job of worming your way under the covers at night so I think you'll be just fine until I do laundry and put the flannel sheets back on the bed.
  8. You bought me a mountain! This isn't so much a question as a statement on you finally realizing that I'm queen of all I see. You like the new scratch post! I admit I was holding out for one with a hammock on top but I couldn't find one of those that would fit in our new apartment without taking all of the space. This new one is pretty good; you do look like you're on a mountain when you sit on top of it. Let's make sure to remember how much you love your mountain when you need to scratch something; I really like our carpet and don't want to replace or repair it anytime soon.
  9. I'm sorry for having an "accident" in the kitchen the other day. Can you forgive me? Wait, are you apologizing for doing something you shouldn't have done? Someone mark this day down in the history books. All jokes aside, moving is stressful and you were simply telling me that you were upset since you can't talk and apparently like me enough not to use me as a scratching post. These things happen; it's why we invest in paper towels and cleaning products. Hopefully, you're feeling less stressed now and can start to enjoy our new place and find some new napping spots. I promise the rest of the boxes will be gone by the end of the weekend. 
  10. Last question: Why can't I go in that other room? Are you keeping secrets in there? Yes, I'm keeping secrets in the laundry room. That's where every human keeps secrets. We store them between the dryer sheets and the stain remover. That's exactly how secrets work. 
If you have more questions that you think Pumpkin would like to know the answers to, post them in the comments and I'll answer them as best as I can. Enjoy some additional photos of Pumpkin in her new home.


Next weekend on the Island: I'm participating in the Women's March on Washington so next week's post will be available on Sunday. I'll recap the march and talk about #WhyIMarch.